Am I shellshocked, or what?

[MH66]

I need some help and I don't know where else to turn.

For years my husband verbally abused me. Things started to turn physical so I left, and moved far far away. That was two years ago.

 

I began dating a guy a couple of months ago. And here lately all I can see are red flags.

 

An elderly gentleman friend of mine died, I went to the funeral, but this guy couldn't seem to understand why I had to go and he kept asking me to clarify my relationship with the deceased.

 

We had a discussion about religion and church, and I told him about my faith and that I had not found a church that I felt comfortable enough to join. He had some harsh words about church in general--that people who go are fakes and attend just to socialize and that he prefers to worship at home. I said fine, I'll find one on my own and go by myself. Then the next day he apologizes for what he said and offered to help me find a church so we could go together.

 

He said he was in love with me after three weeks of dating. Wants to get married, said he's up for a job in another state and wants me to move with him.

 

On one occasion, my phone rang, I didn't answer it because I didn't recognize the phone number, so I hit "ignore". He said "what did HE want?" And then makes comments about it days later, that I had been getting phone calls from guys.

 

He has admitted that he asks or does things to see what my response will be. Like he's testing me.

 

I've tried to break up with him, but he keeps coming around, trying to compromise--offering to get joint counseling (we've been dating for less than 2 months). He even confessed to having an abusive relationship with his first of two wives. He says he hit her because she attacked him first. I have to wonder what happened in his second marriage. It's been 10 years since that divorce and he still refers to the mother of his child as "B1tch"

 

My gut is telling me to run like the wind--that nothing good will come from this relationship, but I can't help but wonder if I'm overreacting because I'm shellshocked from my marriage/divorce.

 

Any help is greatly appreciated.

[Outcast]

Listen to your gut. It's right - there were many red flags in your post. This guy is trouble. I just hope he's not a stalker, too.

[Craig]

I see nothing but huge red flags MH66 and lots of them!!!!

 

Trust your gut and run like the wind, nothing good will come of a relationship with him, he is trouble with a capital "T"

 

Prepare yourself for a painful extraction from this relationship, I would be dollars to donuts that he is not going to let go easy. You should seriously consider finding out how to get a temporary restraining order, I get the feeling you may need it.

 

Getting out now may be difficult but it will be infinitely harder the longer you wait.

 

You might want to contact your local domestic violence center and get some ideas about what you can do and how you can protect yourself should the need arise. Call their office, not the hotline and ask to speak with a counselor or an advocate. They have a lot of experience handling situations just like yours.

 

Please, please, please think about your safety and be ready to call 911 at the first hint of a threat from him. If he says he's going to do anything to cause you grief call the police immediately, don't wait for things to escalate. Chances are that he won't be arrested for a minor comment but the police will have a record of your calls, they'll probably talk to him which might deter him and if it becomes necessary to get a restraining order it will be a lot easier with a history of 911 calls.

 

Oh and don't worry about hurting his feelings, if he has the nerve to do or say things to disturb your sense of peace his feelings don't deserve consideration.

 

Best of luck MH66.

[slubberdegullion]

MH, you already know the answer to your own question. While it's certainly comforting to know that others agree, the red flags which you clearly defined are telling you exactly what you need to know.

 

Kick the dude to the curb without apology. And if he comes a'callin after you tell him to buzz off, call the cops and let them deal with him.

 

You've been through enough. You don't need this type of fellow in your life.

[MH66]

A million thanks to all of you. I know it is so stinkin' obvious that I should make a clean break and run for it. I've done some research and have read up on the signs and they do apply to this guy. But the more I thought about it the more I started to think I was making too big of a deal about this.

 

I will call him tomorrow while he is at work. (I know he'll be sober and he won't be able to leave.) Then I'll make a run by the local shelter to speak with a counselor for some safety strategies and possibly head by the police station to "go on the record". Fortunately, my brother lives here in town, I think I'll have him stay with me for a while.

[Outcast]

Good luck! Please check in and let us know you're ok!

[Craig]

I will call him tomorrow while he is at work. (I know he'll be sober and he won't be able to leave.) Then I'll make a run by the local shelter to speak with a counselor for some safety strategies and possibly head by the police station to "go on the record". Fortunately, my brother lives here in town, I think I'll have him stay with me for a while.

You are amazing!

 

You have our support and best wishes.

[Becoming]

You're not shellshocked. You're wiser! Isn't it good to know you can trust your instincts! And you obviously know how to take care of yourself--you came here to test your instincts, you've got a good plan. Yeah for you!

 

There's a good relationship out there for you. Don't settle for someone who doesn't think church is important when it so obviously is for you.

[Outcast]

Don't settle for someone who doesn't think church is important when it so obviously is for you.

 

I think that's the least of her worries!

[Lishy]

Jesus I want to go and GET her out of that relationship!

 

He is trouble - Be on your guard and dont let him bully you - Be strong we are here to help you!

[MH66]

Just wanted to let you guys know I took a chicken-s*** approach to contacting him. I sent him a text message--saying I wanted to him to walk away and don't want him to contact me in any way anymore. No "please" no "sorry". I just couldn't bear calling him and talking personally for fear of getting sucked into one of his filibusters that just keeps going on and on without accomplishing anything other monopolizing my time.

 

He called twice--left voice messages and sent a text message in between. I didn't answer. He said I owed it to him to talk to him. He is NOT a happy camper. I have a tape recorder thingy to offload the voice messages so that I will have a firm record of his communications. I'm also keeping a spreadsheet of each call and such.

 

I got some information on stalking and I'm worried. This guy could go off the deep end. My brother has agreed to stay with me for a while. We'll just need to see what will happen next.

[Lishy]

Oh way to go honey!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You are SO doing the right thing! Just dont let him try to talk you around - He will sound so sincere and you have to stay strong and remember how it feels to be in an abusive relationship. This is most definately the beginnings of an abusive relationship you have done the best ever thing.

 

I wish you a peacful and happy christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ps ..... We are here if you need us

[Becoming]

Yeah! Good for you! Is it possible to stay at your brother's if you need to?

[Craig]

MH66, you're not a chicken-s*** you are just taking care of your emotional health. Contacting him over the phone might have cost you emotionally. Dang girl, you're smart!

 

You have some excellent plans to take care of things that might crop up. Stay with no contact what-so-ever forever would be good (I'm serious).

 

It sounds like you have your support system set up and safety plans in place too. Thank your brother from us.

 

Thanks again for posting your story, it will help more than a few people to find the courage to do the same thing.

[Devildog]

He said he was in love with me after three weeks of dating. Wants to get married, said he's up for a job in another state and wants me to move with him.

 

This was the part of the situation that worried me the most. Moving you away from your family and social network and support system. This is one of the favorite tactics for abusers. Get you away from anyone you can turn to for support. I guarantee if you had gone through with him and moved with him you would have not been allowed any kind of outside interaction with other people.

 

I think this is one of the reasons I think LDRs are such a bad idea. It's easy to put on a good show for a few days at a time. Hide your bad qualities. And then when one person moves to be with them, they are cut off from family and friends by hundreds of miles with nowhere to turn.

 

I am glad you were smart enough to recognize the warning signs and had the strength to get out of this relationship before it was too late. And you handled the situation with a very clear head! You made a lot of good calls, setting up a strategy, making arrangements for your physical and emotional security. Good for you!

[Outcast]

I think this is one of the reasons I think LDRs are such a bad idea. It's easy to put on a good show for a few days at a time. Hide your bad qualities. And then when one person moves to be with them, they are cut off from family and friends by hundreds of miles with nowhere to turn.

 

I think LDRs are OK but people have to spend time together eventually before making any big decisions. Going straight from an LDR to living together or, worse, marrying is a real bad idea, IMHO.

 

To the OP: congratulations on taking the steps you needed to to keep yourself safe

[MH66]

Outcast, Craig, Slubberdegullion, Becoming, Lishy, DevilDog,

 

Thank Goodness for “google” that led me to “loveshack” so we could cross paths and get my mind and heart in line with my gut. Even though I left my husband two years ago, my frame of reference for a “normal” relationship is still waaaaaay out of whack.

 

When I was having a “down-in-the-dumps-feeling-sorry-for-myself moment” a long while back, someone told me, “We go through what we go through to help others get through what we went through.”

 

While I may never really know all of the crap you have had to wade through, I am glad that you learned from it and are strong and open enough to share it. I just hope I have something intelligent and helpful to say when I am called upon.

[Becoming]

Outcast, Craig, Slubberdegullion, Becoming, Lishy, DevilDog,

 

Thank Goodness for “google” that led me to “loveshack” so we could cross paths and get my mind and heart in line with my gut. Even though I left my husband two years ago, my frame of reference for a “normal” relationship is still waaaaaay out of whack.

 

When I was having a “down-in-the-dumps-feeling-sorry-for-myself moment” a long while back, someone told me, “We go through what we go through to help others get through what we went through.”

 

While I may never really know all of the crap you have had to wade through, I am glad that you learned from it and are strong and open enough to share it. I just hope I have something intelligent and helpful to say when I am called upon.

 

 

Aw, shucks . Thanks. But really, isn't this what it's all about?

 

Keep us posted, ok?

[Craig]

I just hope I have something intelligent and helpful to say when I am called upon.

It's ok to have fun on LS too. Some of the threads are great fun.

 

And thank you back for sharing your story and doing something really, really smart about it. Now THAT made my week!

[Lishy]

I am just so pleased that you actually ACTED on your gut feeling. Too many people stick around analysing until it is too late and the damage is done.

 

If someone is treating you wrong you have to get out. But that is easier said then done at times.

 

I am so pleased you made your decision so quickly! Well done that girl!!