Better to know or not?

[notmakingsense]

I'm two weeks into NC with a gf that just stopped returning calls and e-mails. Our relationship was on the rocks again because of her unsurity about our long term potential. After a week of her not responding to me, I wrote an e-mail that told her that I was frustrated with her continued distancing, and that it was time for me to move on.

 

We've been on a few breaks before, but we've always had the chance to talk and I've always known exactly what the issue was before (or soon after) the break.

 

This time, I don't have that kind of closure because I basically cut off communication via that e-mail, and she's the stubborn type, so I'm likely not going to hear from her again.

 

Sure, I know that the issues are all bound to be the same as what we've been dealing with over these last months, but I'm finding that without that "talk" I'm having a tougher time moving on.

 

On the other hand, NC is very important to me now, because in the past, I've always been the one to come groveling back for her affections -- and the central issue between us is her lack of commitment.

 

Will hearing from her directly that "we will never work out" help me move on quicker? Would the knowledge that she's found someone new (which is a definite possibility from her history) help me get more pissed off -- with the same result of moving on faster? Or... am I better off just moving on and trying to find closure in some other way?

 

Even after sending her that note, I'm finding a desire to try to contact her just to "let her have it" and air all the things that were wrong, and more fully vent my frustrations -- with the likely outcome that I'd get more finality from the event. Will that added closure help me rid myself of the diminishing hope that she'll come back to me? And yes, much to the dissappointment of folks who have followed my situation here on LS -- I'm still very much in the emotional state of loving her and hoping we can someday make it work.

 

But, as mentioned above, I'm in NC -- and from what I read here, staying in NC is more beneficial for some more final attempt at closure.

 

Thoughts?

[Painwraith]

Mate

 

Their is no point. if you have it out with her you will feel worse. I would love to have the final say with my ex but it will never happen.

 

Be the better person and walk away, if you show them you dont care it will actually hurt them more. if you argue and have it out with them it will reinforce them thinking you are a git. Dont let them have that justification.

 

It works out better than if you argue

 

Pain

[J dub]

I think this really depends on the persons character (identifying which is better: knowing or not): Some will say that knowledge is power, however I am a firm bleiever in "ignorance is bliss".

 

Right now youre in the perspective of, SURELY something will make you feel better so youre trying to identify whiat that something is. Youre thinking its getting closure by hearing once and for all what sent her away this time. But you already know that...you know why she left. Hearing it is not going to make you move on, its going to send you into a downward spiral of overanalyzing ways to negotiate her reasoning. There is no simple way out here and I can assure you that whatever she is going to say wont make you feel any better. And then soon enough you'll think iof more to say to her and this will start all over again.

 

I know you love her but really, dont you think you deserve to be with someone who KNOWS they love you and want to make a commitment to you as you do to them"? It sounds like her leaving is the best option hre ebecause if shes not sure, then taking some time away from you will definitely answer that question. If she comes back to you, you'll know what her decision was. If not, well...at least you have your pride thus far and can move on from there.

 

>Will hearing from her directly that "we will never work out" help me move on quicker?

 

No, moving on quicker will result if you dont contact her and let the situation rest once and for all. This will be an ever ending cycle if you dont.

 

>Would the knowledge that she's found someone new (which is a definite possibility from her history) help me get more pissed off -- with the same result of moving on faster?

 

Again, it'll hurt and piss you off but wont allow for you to move on quicker. There is no way of doing that, besides staying the hell away from them.

 

>Or... am I better off just moving on and trying to find closure in some other way?

 

I definitely think this is the way to go.

 

>Even after sending her that note, I'm finding a desire to try to contact her just to "let her have it" and air all the things that were wrong, and more fully vent my frustrations

 

See like I said, a cycle...

 

hang in there, youre just trying to make sense of it all, thats normal...

[omegaRED]

Good advice from J Dub. I too think it depends on the type of person, but i`m leaning more to the "knowledge is power" side. (Though i find out that "ignorance is bliss" increasingly often nowadays ).

 

Re: The talk. I thought i needed that to move on. You know, the "words". But i didn`t. Had a talk with my best friend, decided that there really is nothing more to say, nothing to be gained. I knew what was going on. So, in a manner of speaking, in my mind i made the decision that it`s over. No need to talk, no explanations, nothing. Over. Been doing better ever since.

 

Re: Her being with someone else. It was a painful sight, but as soon as i saw my ex with the OM, i knew what was going on, i knew the reasons, everything became clear. For me, it was a blessing. Sure it hurt, but it calmed my heart and spirit. There was no "what to do now, how do i get her back, how do i act"... None of that, no more limbo state. You know what`s going on, so you just face it head on. But that`s me. For some it can be a setback i guess.

 

I think that basically closure is in our minds. It`s the moment we decide, consciously, that it`s not gonna work, that we will not work on it, that it`s not worth it, that it`s over. There will be setbacks, bad days, breaking NC and hoping and dreaming but... Our minds are set. The heart`s voice will get quiter with each passing day, and our heads will take over. IMHO, "closure" is a decision... Our decision. Sure, it will be challenged by our emotions on a daily basis, sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly. But when that decision is made, we take the first step on the road to recovery...

 

It`s normal you want to analyze and grasp what`s going on and that there must be something you can do to make things "better". And i`m a firm believer in first-hand experience. But maybe some of our posts will give you some insight. Good luck.

[lindya]

This time, I don't have that kind of closure because I basically cut off communication via that e-mail, and she's the stubborn type, so I'm likely not going to hear from her again.

 

Cutting off all communication with someone, if you're serious about it, is the best form of closure you can get. What better way to tell them (and yourself) that the relationship is dead and buried?

 

I did that (the "no more contact of any type") in respect of a bad, rollercoaster of a relationship. I totally regretted it a few months later, and really wished I'd left some sort of door open. I thought about getting back in touch with him, but I'd done that a few times before when we'd split up; always justifying it on the basis that pride shouldn't be allowed to get in the way of "true love". Consequently, any credibility I once had with him was totally shot to pieces. You can't salvage that, and it hurts you more to try.

 

My regret about closing the door for good ebbed and flowed a few times following the final break up. It was just a case of sticking to my guns when I felt tempted to contact him. Being too stubborn and being too proud served me well, because it allowed me to finally break out of a situation that - sex aside - wasn't doing anyone much good.

 

If someone "isn't sure" about you, that's all the closure you need. What's the point in getting a detailed breakdown of their reasons for not believing you're worth taking a risk on, or making a commitment to? Being with someone who feels that way about you is akin to working in a s***ty, poorly paid, dead end job for an incompetent boss. It can be quite educational and character building in a strange and negative sort of way - but you shouldn't remain in a situation like that for too long, or else your confidence will plummet to a level that's difficult to rise from...and you'll never move onto bigger and better things.

 

This girl was your dead end job, and you did the right thing by leaving her behind.

[Mz. Pixie]

NMS-

 

You know the only reason you want to do this is because you think she will suddenly come to her senses and want to give you what you want.

 

You have two choices- either accept her the way she is- and her not giving you what you want or move on.

 

You know you're going to contact her- you always have in the past.

[Moai]

If someone "isn't sure" about you, that's all the closure you need. What's the point in getting a detailed breakdown of their reasons for not believing you're worth taking a risk on, or making a commitment to? Being with someone who feels that way about you is akin to working in a s***ty, poorly paid, dead end job for an incompetent boss. It can be quite educational and character building in a strange and negative sort of way - but you shouldn't remain in a situation like that for too long, or else your confidence will plummet to a level that's difficult to rise from...and you'll never move onto bigger and better things.

 

This is so true. In my recent situation I would usually call to find out what the deal was, and we'd talk through it and she'd be fine and I'd be in hell longer. After this last one, I haven't called and I won't. And I feel lots better.

[notmakingsense]

Mate

 

Their is no point. if you have it out with her you will feel worse. I would love to have the final say with my ex but it will never happen.

 

Be the better person and walk away, if you show them you dont care it will actually hurt them more. if you argue and have it out with them it will reinforce them thinking you are a git. Dont let them have that justification.

 

It works out better than if you argue

 

Pain

 

Thanks pain.... you are right... this is important for me... an important milestone -- getting to the point of not caring about someone who doesn't care about me.

 

Right now youre in the perspective of, SURELY something will make you feel better so youre trying to identify whiat that something is. Youre thinking its getting closure by hearing once and for all what sent her away this time. But you already know that...you know why she left. Hearing it is not going to make you move on, its going to send you into a downward spiral of overanalyzing ways to negotiate her reasoning. There is no simple way out here and I can assure you that whatever she is going to say wont make you feel any better. And then soon enough you'll think iof more to say to her and this will start all over again.

 

That's exactly how I feel... wanting to hear something that I can latch on to and use for negotiation purposes -- so I can start the cycle all over again. That is soooo wrong...

 

I know you love her but really, dont you think you deserve to be with someone who KNOWS they love you and want to make a commitment to you as you do to them"? It sounds like her leaving is the best option hre ebecause if shes not sure, then taking some time away from you will definitely answer that question. If she comes back to you, you'll know what her decision was. If not, well...at least you have your pride thus far and can move on from there.

 

I do deserve someone better. And I do need her to be the one to break NC, not me (even though I started it). Otherwise, I'll never know what her true decision was. I'm believing less and less each day that this is what will happen.

 

I think that basically closure is in our minds. It`s the moment we decide, consciously, that it`s not gonna work, that we will not work on it, that it`s not worth it, that it`s over. There will be setbacks, bad days, breaking NC and hoping and dreaming but... Our minds are set. The heart`s voice will get quiter with each passing day, and our heads will take over. IMHO, "closure" is a decision... Our decision. Sure, it will be challenged by our emotions on a daily basis, sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly. But when that decision is made, we take the first step on the road to recovery...

 

It`s normal you want to analyze and grasp what`s going on and that there must be something you can do to make things "better". And i`m a firm believer in first-hand experience. But maybe some of our posts will give you some insight. Good luck.

 

Thanks Omega... that's key, isn't it. Closure happens when I'm convinced it won't work. Boy, it felt so good that day I wrote the note and told her I'm moving on. I felt so empowered by feeling like I'VE decided it won't work. Of course, now, its a totally different storry as my emotions go up and down like a yoyo about this.

 

I did that (the "no more contact of any type") in respect of a bad, rollercoaster of a relationship. I totally regretted it a few months later, and really wished I'd left some sort of door open. I thought about getting back in touch with him, but I'd done that a few times before when we'd split up; always justifying it on the basis that pride shouldn't be allowed to get in the way of "true love". Consequently, any credibility I once had with him was totally shot to pieces. You can't salvage that, and it hurts you more to try.

 

Ugh. That sounds like me during our rollercoaster ride...

 

My regret about closing the door for good ebbed and flowed a few times following the final break up. It was just a case of sticking to my guns when I felt tempted to contact him. Being too stubborn and being too proud served me well, because it allowed me to finally break out of a situation that - sex aside - wasn't doing anyone much good.

 

This is what I'm working on now -- my pride. My xgf is a very stubborn/proud person also -- which may now be a benefit (while I'm still believing in NC).

 

If someone "isn't sure" about you, that's all the closure you need. What's the point in getting a detailed breakdown of their reasons for not believing you're worth taking a risk on, or making a commitment to? Being with someone who feels that way about you is akin to working in a s***ty, poorly paid, dead end job for an incompetent boss. It can be quite educational and character building in a strange and negative sort of way - but you shouldn't remain in a situation like that for too long, or else your confidence will plummet to a level that's difficult to rise from...and you'll never move onto bigger and better things.

 

This girl was your dead end job, and you did the right thing by leaving her behind.

 

Thanks for this note lindya -- that was well said. I'm very glad I have LS here to get the support I need, because I am truly hurting right now. I must be growing, because this will be the first time with her that I've cut it off, and it will be the first time that I didn't try to go back.

 

NMS-

 

You know the only reason you want to do this is because you think she will suddenly come to her senses and want to give you what you want.

 

You have two choices- either accept her the way she is- and her not giving you what you want or move on.

 

You know you're going to contact her- you always have in the past.

 

Yes Mz Pixie -- you know me the best. I'm glad you posted your well-justified lack of faith in my ability to do NC -- because it has pissed me off enough that I've got enough resolve to last me at least a few more days. I'm sticking with it, and I'm not accepting her the way she is.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. This has been going on for a very long time for me (nearly 2 years). If it wasn't for LS, I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have today. It isn't much yet, but your help has been priceless nontheless.

[notmakingsense]

This is so true. In my recent situation I would usually call to find out what the deal was, and we'd talk through it and she'd be fine and I'd be in hell longer. After this last one, I haven't called and I won't. And I feel lots better.

 

Thanks for replying Moai -- it is helpful to hear from people who have gotten more information where it didn't help them move on faster. I'm quite convinced now that not asking for more closure is the right way to go. Besides, as Mz Pixie pointed out -- I wouldn't really be doing it to move on faster, I'm just doing it out of a misguided hope that the conversation will talk her out of it.

[Tiny]

This has been going on for a very long time for me (nearly 2 years). If it wasn't for LS, I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have today. It isn't much yet, but your help has been priceless nontheless.

 

Hey NMS I've been where you are too, :/ prob 2 years too, and it took a whole load of pain to get through. The only time it really made any sense, was when I met the next GF which i'm afraid to say, has just ended almost the identical way the first 1 did (Infidelity on her part) after 8 years

sheeeet, I must be doing something wrong.

[Mz. Pixie]

NMS-

 

You know, I hate to be harsh but we've done this dance before.

 

I certainly hope that you hold to the NC thing.

 

Do you think it's her appearance that keeps you tied to her??

You've mentioned before that she's gorgeous.

[notmakingsense]

Hey NMS I've been where you are too, :/ prob 2 years too, and it took a whole load of pain to get through. The only time it really made any sense, was when I met the next GF which i'm afraid to say, has just ended almost the identical way the first 1 did (Infidelity on her part) after 8 years

sheeeet, I must be doing something wrong.

 

Oh man Tiny -- I'm sorry you have had to experience that also. And infidelity to boot -- I don't know how I'd deal with that. The thing is, is that I wouldn't put it past her (my gf) -- which is now why I'm just realizing that I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ELSE -- because if I find out that she's met someone else during her recent withdrawal, I'll spiral waaaaaay downwards for sure. My self-esteem is low enough as it is.

[notmakingsense]

NMS-

 

You know, I hate to be harsh but we've done this dance before.

 

I certainly hope that you hold to the NC thing.

 

Do you think it's her appearance that keeps you tied to her??

You've mentioned before that she's gorgeous.

 

I've totally been wrestling with that thought -- that her looks keep me coming back for more. I can't deny that they play a significant role -- but I'm also being honest when I say there was a lot more to it.

 

When In_Sync let me have it for coming across as a superficial person -- that really had me thinking about this one hard. Could it be that my xgf was just a trophy to me?

 

I've dated very beautiful women before -- but this last one seemed to be perfect for me -- she not only had the looks, but she had the intelligence, fun personality, and down-to-earth attitude I was looking for for so long. And the chemistry -- right now, I'm convinced I won't be able to replicate that!!!

 

In the end, I think she was perfect for me -- except for the fact that I wasn't perfect for her.

[Mz. Pixie]

She was perfect for you WHEN she was involved and into the relationship. Then comes the part where she withdraws, especially when you push her for more.

 

Why not try to find someone who would put you first and not settle for the crumbs that this woman throws you??

[notmakingsense]

She was perfect for you WHEN she was involved and into the relationship. Then comes the part where she withdraws, especially when you push her for more.

 

Why not try to find someone who would put you first and not settle for the crumbs that this woman throws you??

 

Because somehow my lame-ass heart had me convinced that those crumbs tasted better than a four course meal at a five-star restaurant!

 

Damn -- I've got a lot of work to do (on myself)....

[Tiny]

Damn -- I've got a lot of work to do (on myself)....

 

Yeah you and me both