having some SERIOUS family problems help! (very long)

[NiCoLe20]

ok- if your bored please read all this and give me some feedback. im in a big fight with my mother and need advice...

 

this has been bothering me non-stop the past couple days and i need some advice.

 

ok- this all started when this guy hit my car in a parking lot. i went through his insurance, and did everything i could to get a check for my damages. since my dad is the co-signer of the car, the check was issued to him. fine, no biggie, as long as i get it back. well, my mom cashes it and immediately puts it into HER account, she never gave it to me. so, i didnt fight with her at the time to get it b/c i thought i would eventually put it into my account.

well, this week i went a little overboard shopping for xmas gifts and i thought i might've bounced a check. so i call my mom and ask her for the $ so i can have it in my account INCASE it bounces. she tells me NO and offers me $20! i said no, please give me the check, its for me and my car i need it. she tells me no again and offers $100!! i con't saying no and i need it... i asked her if she spent it and she said no, but for some reason i didnt believe that. so she tells me to talk to my father and i hang up on her.

i try to call my dad but he's already on the phone with her. my mom tells him what to do all the time and he listens so i didnt even bother talking to him.

i email her and say " thats not right that your witholding my $ - what entitles you to do that? thats not fair- why are you doing this? i've paid for everything since iwas 17 years old."

she emails back and says "what do you need the $ for? your going to spend it (assuming i am) , where does your paycheck go? "Don't make me look like a fool. Your father and I said theres no problem giving you the money to pay for your car once its fixed! Your the drama queen whose crying for no reason or maybe I should say the reason is you flushed all your money at Atlantic City (not true once again). Suck it up. Be an adult, and take responsibility for your own actions. Besides i'm sure you got paid today and all you give for your car is $600 a month. So dont call me and blame me for your mistakes. And if you bounced checks, maybe you should go to school and learn how to add again or take your credit card and cut it up because part of being an adult is managing your money."

 

so i ignore that and she send me a real nasty cruel email.. she starts out bashing me about all the mistakes i did when i was 16 yrs old (now 21). saying how i crashed my car, how they bailed me out of situations (never arrested) how she paid for everything of mine. (never worked a day in her life- my dad has 2 jobs to support her & my sis)

 

i wont post every single thing but here are some sentences: "so where do you get off talking to me like you are my mother? I gave birth to you. I gave you everything. You are nothing but a stuck up, selfish, spoiled, insecure, little girl who should be kissing Silvia's ass for getting you the job. So if I were you, I would keep my mouth shut talking to me like Im dirt. Otherwise if you want to play hard ball I can put a call to (my job) and see whose working.." WTF?!! how can she say something like this to me! i never talked back all i did was ask for my $ - then she tells me she will get me fired!!! thats wrong!

 

" On the other hand, if you think your such a big deal you dont even have to give me the $52 (insurance) you can use it to call another insurance company and im taking you off. You can also use that $52 and pay the "checks" you bounced. And find your own insurance company. They wont take you so who needs who now???" - once again i never yelled at her in any of my emails.. she just went on & on putting me down and i thought this was unnessary.

 

"If you ever disrespect me again or ever raise your voice to me again ( i never did!!!) do me a favor dont call me! You only call when you need to use me ( not true i never call her b/c we always fight). Im sure Rich (my b/f i live with) will soon find out how selfish you really are. You think your going to threaten me? Any normal human being will never do that to their mother. ( i never threatened her, i said i wasnt going there for xmas b/c of what she's saying to me) So why dont you tell all your friends at work what a good person you are. Rich will find a new girlfriend once he goes to college so dont plan on coming back here unless you apologize! (who says that to their daughter!!?)Im getting new locks and I know you stole that black suit from me. That was in my closet(this doesnt make sense i never stole from her -accusing me again) "

 

"If you dont want to come here for Christmas, that's your choice, and if you do, you seriously owe your father and I an apology. (never did nothing!)Because this time the door will never be opened again"

 

"I feel sorry for Rich because one day he will wake up and see your true colors" (been with my b/f a year and going strong!)

 

so i email back calmly. i was going to ignore this but it really got under my skin. something she enjoys doing best!

what i said to her:

 

" see, your problem is that you never see when your wrong in a situation. you assume things, and you assume your always correct, when in reality, your the one that is wrong and wont admit it. i am 21 years old. im not 16 and 17 anymore. yes **** happend b/c i was young and stupid. half of that i think is not my fault. you and dad never talked situations out with us, you just punished, hit, and yelled"

 

" i admit when im wrong, apologize when i have to, talk about what i feel even if my point is valid or not. THATS responsible and MATURE. you on the other hand point fingers, blame, assume, and you aren't reasonable. and on the other hand, you didnt bail me out and pay for things, that was my father. thats dads money your talking about not yours. you raised us, dad paid for us"

 

" you treat me and talk to me in a way that truely and honestly disgusts me. your very spiteful and bitter and you dont see this. if you would ever admit sometimes your wrong like this situation, we wouldnt be doing this right now"

 

"i wouldnt make such a big deal out of this if you were to say "gee- you know you are 21 and old enough to take the money and hold it in your account, ill give it to you b/c its yours after all." but nope, you want to hold on to it because once again , you ASSUME im going to spend it when in fact its going to remain in my account untouched."

 

"i love you mom but I can only love you from a distance. everytime i come to that house its the same ****. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HOWS WORK? YOU SAVING ANY MONEY? WHATS YOUR MONEY GOING TO ? WHAT ARE YOU SPENDING IT ON? YOUR SPENDING MORE $ AT RICHS. YOU PAY FOR HIS BILLS. HE'S GOING TO MEET OTHER GIRLS.YOU REALLY LIKE HIM? YOU SEE A FUTURE TOGETHER? IS IT SERIOUS? the same routine. you cant even have a conversation with me without asking any of those questions"

 

"you know the commandment 'honor thy mother and father' - i jsut cant do it anymore... i cant honor someone who talks to me like im dirt and that im nothing ... you put me down, make me depressend, control and reprimand me all the time and i just cant take it anymore"

 

"i just cant even fathom whats going on right now. im very very hurt on how you handled this situation and how you talked to me. i dont want to come there for xmas because in all honesty, i think i am correct in the situation and for once, im not backing down and running to beg for forgiveness. so if thats how you want it fine, i did what i could and i give up. . im backing off and im going to stop fighting back b/c you feed off this."

 

and finally: i wrote out a psalm thinking it would help her solve things

 

"Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice:

have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

 

{8} When thou saidst, Seek ye my face;

my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

{9} Hide not thy face far from me;

put not thy servant away in anger:

 

thou hast been my help;

leave me not, neither forsake me,

O God of my salvation.

{10} When my father and my mother forsake me,

then the LORD will take me up.

 

{11} Teach me thy way, O LORD,

and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

{12} Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies:

for false witnesses are risen up against me,

and such as breathe out cruelty.

 

{13} I had fainted, unless I had believed

to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

{14} Wait on the LORD:

be of good courage,

and he shall strengthen thine heart:

wait, I say, on the LORD."

 

then she emailed me back:

 

"I got your email. Your the one who called me up screaming about the check. I said fine and you went off at me. Im happy your happy. You made the choices you've mad with your life and I made the one with mine. I have no regrets. Remember , Im the one who God let live through cancer. So obviously Im in his good graces. I dont need a prayer to know the word of God, I am a living miracle thank you very much. Practice what you preach. Christmas is a time to celebrate the gift of live and to be thankful to what God has blessed you with. I feel blessed and Im glad your happy so let the gift of hate towards me burn in your heart. Peace be with you.

 

Buh bye!!!"

 

and i emailed my sister asking why shes getting involved and why does she act like my best friend one minute and then stab me in the back the next and she writes:

 

"i pretend im ur best friend one minute, umm we hardly talk nicole. u dont do nuthin to me? ur such a bitch to me..(only b/c all she wants to do when we hang out it smoke weed- or use me to drive her somewhere) idk wats gotten into u. if ur not gonna give me a xmas present tell me so i can go back and return it and get my $ back. im hardly never home. ive been working 2 jobs plus babysitting.. i just think ur the immature one in this situation. u obviously need da money for sumthin. the money is there for ur car to be fixed, not to pay bills, or use it to drink and ****. and if ur not gonna come here for xmas and apologize to mom and dad then ur sick in the head and i dont ever wanna speak to u"

 

so what do i do from here? im so upset about how they talked to me and all i did was ask me for $ that was rightfully mine for my car. i pay my payments and everything else i need in life. i dont know what to do especially b/c xmas is next week... help!

[quankanne]

bottom line question: who is paying for the car insurance? You? Your dad? If it's him, then the money is rightfully his, no matter how well you responded to handling the filing of the claim. However, if you're paying the insurance on your vehicle, the refund is rightfully yours, and you may have to get with both your parents at the same time to present your case.

 

as for all the other crap ... let's just say that it doesn't have a place in this situation, so no matter how much your mother or your sister flick at you, you need to gently remind them that it has nothing to do with the issue at hand – which is the insurance refund. It's easy to get drawn into a fight, especially when someone chooses not to fight fair by dragging in every awful thing you've done, but you MUST remember to stick to issue at hand. Even if you have to use the phrase "I'm not sure how this ties into this particular problem, so let's stick to it instead of fighting dirty over an unrelated issue." Repeatedly.

 

hugs,

quank

[NiCoLe20]

i pay for my car insurance. i never asked for a penny from them in years. the only ties i have with them right now is me under my dads insurance policy, and he is the co-signer of the car... i pay everything. im just so angry at what she said to me it doesnt make sense

[clandestinidad]

Oh my god...this sounds sooooo familiar. Especially all the stuff about your past mistakes, ridiculous comments that come from nowhere, everything about how SELFISH you are, your sister coming into it and doing the same $h!t.....thats my life too, girl!

 

Unfortunately, I dont really have any spectacular advice for you...since I dont know what to do about mine either. It does help a little to not associate w/ my sister. So maybe you could try that. I think you and I need to figure out how to cut them off and move on, without feeling guilty and SELFISH about it!! We'd be much happier people...no depression....no guilt....nothing held over our heads all the time....wow, just think......

[amerikajin]

Unless you have omitted some missing context, I think your mother is way out of line here. Parents disagree with their children and sometimes those disagreements are big, but nothing ever justifies the kinds of things that she has said to you - ever.

 

It seems to me that your mother is a miserable person and that you have tried to make the best of a bad situation. My sister in law has a mother just like this, and she finally got to the point where she just said 'to hell with her'. I don't know if there's really anything you can do except try to put the best face on things.

 

It's just sad that some people are miserable and think they have the right to impose misery on others in return. The right way to deal with their pain is to seek counseling or see if there aren't positive ways to deal with it on their own. But many are either ignorant about how to help themsleves, or simply too proud to. So they end up using others as a punching bag. All I can say is that you should not take it - even from family. Yes, she gave birth to you, but so damn what? Her mother gave birth to her, and something tells me that when she's old and sick she'll be in need of someone to help her get through the day. It goes both ways, if you ask me.