choukyla Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Does anyone has any comments ? When you first meet a girl and start the courtship. You probably begin by 1) buying her flower's, 2) Inviting her out for a romantic dinner 3) Go away on a romantic weekend somewhere nice 4) Buy her gift, like teddy bears, necklace etc etc. During this time I assume she will do the same back to you, right ? Well, after a while things start to get hot and love is in the air. Both of you are secure and in love, the only next move now is to live together, either through marriage or just live together. OK, 6 months of living together do either partner expect these things to continue ? 1) buying her flower's, 2) Inviting her out for a romantic dinner 3) Go away on a romantic weekend somewhere nice 4) Buy her gift, like teddy bears, necklace etc etc. If so, why ? Are we not secure and safe now. There is no need to try to impress the other ? There is no need to try to win the other love anymore ? If not, would we not get bored ? But if we get bored, doesn't that means we don't love each other anymore ? Or correctly speaking, there was no love there at the first place ? It was merely materialistic ? It's like at the bigenning, she/he would do this or that. But now they don't anymore ? This could be in the context of anything...sex, day to day things or gestures. Does love has to be kept alive ? Be feed, pampered and play with ? Or is the silent commitment agreement all we need ? But the arguement point here is, if love doesn't need feeding. Then do we not get bored and leave ? Does anyone has any ideas or comments ?
slubberdegullion Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Does love has to be kept alive ? Be feed, pampered and play with ? Or is the silent commitment agreement all we need ? But the arguement point here is, if love doesn't need feeding. Then do we not get bored and leave ? Does anyone has any ideas or comments ? It's both. The decision to love requires effort, and the silent, agreed-upon commitment should evolve. Some require high drama, all the time: lots of flowers, cards, teddy bears and so on. Others, though, are just as happy with soft words and gentle caresses. So it depends on the personalities of the couple and the nature of the relationship. A quick word of warning though: By showering your lady with gifts all the time and expensive holidays and romantic weekends away, you may be setting yourself up for a fall. When these gestures start to diminish - and they will, because life, careers, kids, etc. do take a toll and take time - you may find yourself on the receiving end of the silent treatment and the "Why don't you do things for me anymore??!!" scenario. So manage the expectations clearly. Good luck.
Author choukyla Posted December 19, 2005 Author Posted December 19, 2005 Thanks slubberdegullion. But that is the problem, hence I asked ? Because isn't the theory is that now we are married or in the agreement. There is no more guestures needed ? No matter what, we should stay together, the saying 'Through sickness and poor' or something like that. I can't remember. Isn't now we together, we SHOULD stay together forever. Both of our life changes and evolve. So do our guesters to each other ?
bab Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Thanks slubberdegullion. But that is the problem, hence I asked ? Because isn't the theory is that now we are married or in the agreement. There is no more guestures needed ? No matter what, we should stay together, the saying 'Through sickness and poor' or something like that. I can't remember. Isn't now we together, we SHOULD stay together forever. Both of our life changes and evolve. So do our guesters to each other ? As a relationship evolves, certainly the gestures do as well. Your feelings for each other deepen, and you should want to express that. Usually these expressions become less materialistic, but they are still there. Watching each other sleep. Doing the housework when it's not your turn. Small kisses for no reason. Cooking something you don't like 'cause your s/o loves it. This is compeletly different then saying that no more gestures are needed. We are always in the need for reassurance from our partners that they still love us. And OCCASSIONALLY, it's nice to have some of the things that happened in the beginning of a relationship. It's like you saying, "You are still worth being wooed".
2p worth Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Do things TODAY as you mean to go on. (or less) When you find the right person and want to start making commitments, you may still have another gear in reserve to jump into with regards to the relationship. That's what happened when I took an ex-girlfriend to Paris for a long weekend around her birthday. It totally blew her mind... Take your time getting to the point of giving 100% and only give 100% when you're ready to and the relationship is ready to. I certainly messed up with my first long term girlfriend by giving 100% from the very start and then not being able to do more. She turned into a complete psychotic nightmare.
quankanne Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 courtship and the stuff that comes with it is a lot like campaign promises in an election. You'll say and do just about anything as you're courting the other person for their attention, but when you win the election, it's up to you to follow through. Are you going to ignore that person now that you've won his or her heart, or are you going to keep a continued attention on him/her as you adjust to the new situation? IMHO, I don't think it's hard to remain attentive, though the emphasis is not so much now on the purchase of little things for him/her, but the attention paid to the other person. I'd prefer the stolen kisses and public hand-holding from my husband to trinkets, because I understand that he's giving himself to me ... relationships will have the blah spots, just like it has the more exciting times. You learn to look past the blah to focus on what makes it exciting.
slubberdegullion Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 I'd prefer the stolen kisses and public hand-holding from my husband to trinkets, because I understand that he's giving himself to me The world needs more quankannes. She gets it!
2p worth Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 ... Agreed! Conversations do it for me... (it also works out cheaper that way).
magda Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 I feel that I love my husband more than ever, but I can't remember the last time he's gotten me flowers. And since I've become pregnant, the sex hasn't been happening all that often. We didn't get each other birthday presents or Christmas presents because we were going to take a trip that never happened. We care about each other a million other ways though. Share things, do meaningful things for each other, play with each other. I think love evolves. We try to do cute things but stress is high and we just don't expect much of that from each other at the moment. It's more of something we understand than something we expect. The every day communication is much more important than teddy bears. Chocolate though, is important.
quankanne Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 that's because Mr. Q is a very good kisser! So I'm not being totally altruistic :D
quankanne Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Chocolate though, is important. *smacks forehead* how could I have left that out? Chocolate can just about cover any screw-up, miscommunication or general "I didn't mean to make you feel like I ignored you" times in a relationship. Kinda like a cure-all...
2p worth Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Quote : "how could I have left that out? Chocolate can just about cover any screw-up, miscommunication or general "I didn't mean to make you feel like I ignored you" times in a relationship. Kinda like a cure-all..." What about obesity? Fear the path of dark / white / milk chocolate...
NYCmitch25 Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Relationships are like anything else, it's what you put into them that will determine (perhaps) what you get out of them. You could treat a relationship like fresh cut roses or freshly planted seeds. The fresh roses require little attention and dispite the best efforts will only wilt and die over time. Potted seeds require more attention but will grow and blossom as time goes on. Like plants, love requires constant attention and care in order to develop. The wrong actions will poison or deny it a chance to grow. Furthermore to answer your question, some may consider marriage like fresh cut roses, I consider it more like planted seeds where the "gestures" need to continue in order to create a flourishing relationship. What you are seemingly arguing is that since the plants are emerging out of the ground, why continue to water them? In this light it can appear rhetorical but the point is just as important -- a piece of paper stating that you should be happy forever does very little to garentee it. However, many people live by this priciple, they put little into their relationships and consequently they simply worsen over time and thus they falsely assume it's "fresh roses wilting". They have been subconciously decieved, it's partly because they have become comfortable/secure/safe with their situation and neglect the neccessary steps to retain a healthy relationship. You speak of material things, and quite frankly if that is only how you show someone you love, perhaps you need to re-think this. The more thoughtful we are in our relationships the more we will get out of them.. hopefully. 2
2p worth Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Nice post, Mitch. Finding out what the seeds are, knowing what to do with them and how to nurture them... Everything right up to the point of planting the seeds in the ground is the relationship up to marriage.
NYCmitch25 Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Nice post, Mitch. Finding out what the seeds are, knowing what to do with them and how to nurture them... Everything right up to the point of planting the seeds in the ground is the relationship up to marriage. thanks, trying to work up my reputation points... LOL except I have no idea what they mean.. I guess I try to live by what I've posted... seems to make sense to me..
2p worth Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 thanks, trying to work up my reputation points... LOL except I have no idea what they mean.. I guess I try to live by what I've posted... seems to make sense to me.. Bit of a side issue... I should have received some rep points (received comments) but my points total hasn't moved so I guess rep points aren't working properly anyway. In addition I'm forced to login everytime I post a reply, which is a different problem entirely yet suggests loveshack.org has its technical issues.
NYCmitch25 Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Bit of a side issue... I should have received some rep points (received comments) but my points total hasn't moved so I guess rep points aren't working properly anyway. In addition I'm forced to login everytime I post a reply, which is a different problem entirely yet suggests loveshack.org has its technical issues. I see, perhaps that your 2nd problem has to do with your browser settings "security too strong" or "cookies" ? Currently I'm using Linux and the "Firefox" browser and I dont have any problems.. ps I suggest using firefox getfirefox.com
2p worth Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 I see, perhaps that your 2nd problem has to do with your browser settings "security too strong" or "cookies" ? Currently I'm using Linux and the "Firefox" browser and I dont have any problems.. ps I suggest using firefox getfirefox.com Heyyyyy Mitch I'm on Firefox too. I disabled cookies by default and only turn them on for the sites I like. Tried it last night (after making my post!) and all seems well with regards to the logon now. Not sure about the rep points though... Hint hint.
Author choukyla Posted December 20, 2005 Author Posted December 20, 2005 What do you all mean by saying all this ? Is that love and relationship is alot of work on both part ? If one of us is not giving then does that mean they are neglecting the relationship ? But what if in their opinion they are, and they dearly love you so much and doing their upmost ? But miss firing the target and you don't feel they giving ? The problem with our human mind is we always remember the bad, disappointed and unhappy things. So the scale between bad and good, the bad always grows and get heavier. How do you reverse this thinking ?
2p worth Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 What do you all mean by saying all this ? Is that love and relationship is alot of work on both part ? If one of us is not giving then does that mean they are neglecting the relationship ? I've never known a relationship that wasn't lots of work! Its easier to neglect a relationship than it is to keep one going. i.e. Do nothing. Doing little things like holding hands (doesn't have to be in public), kisses to say hello or au-revoir, etc... These things sometimes can serve as a reminder to your S/O that you still care. Flowers, presents, meals, etc are still nice to do from time to time, it depends on your budget. If the understanding about $/£ is there, then there shouldn't be a priority on buying presents. But what if in their opinion they are, and they dearly love you so much and doing their upmost ? But miss firing the target and you don't feel they giving ? Its important to keep a good level of communication going. When communication breaks down, that's when people are letting the relationship coast. The problem with our human mind is we always remember the bad, disappointed and unhappy things. So the scale between bad and good, the bad always grows and get heavier. How do you reverse this thinking ? Think about the good things instead - or start making some happen.
Becoming Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Mitch--EXCELLENT POST, MAN! You nailed it with the analogy. Yes, relationships are living things that require nurture. I'm concerned about you, Ch. Something's going on with you to raise the question. Are you in a bad relationship with someone who gives you nothing? Or are you in a bad relationship because you give nothing and feel like there's nothing to give? Or maybe you've been hurt so much you can't see past the dark pain glasses that cast a pall over what you see of life? The problem with our human mind is we always remember the bad, disappointed and unhappy things. So the scale between bad and good, the bad always grows and get heavier. How do you reverse this thinking ? I understand this quotation, having been abused as a child and then thinking that everyone I met would hurt me so that I ended up sabotaging the relationship before they could and hence insuring that my pain glasses remained intact. What helps me now is to intentionally count my blessings each and every day. I have to sit down and consciously think about all the good in my life and deliberately focus my attention there. Then I find the strength to change the bad that keeps me trapped. Let us know what's going on with you, OK? You're really hurting over something. 1
NYCmitch25 Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 What do you all mean by saying all this ? Is that love and relationship is alot of work on both part ? If one of us is not giving then does that mean they are neglecting the relationship ? But what if in their opinion they are, and they dearly love you so much and doing their upmost ? But miss firing the target and you don't feel they giving ? The problem with our human mind is we always remember the bad, disappointed and unhappy things. So the scale between bad and good, the bad always grows and get heavier. How do you reverse this thinking ? Think of it like posting on these forums, someone could post a thoughtful well articulated response to a thread but then only recieve a few broken english sentences in return. Thus the better stated questions stand the best chance of recieving good responses. I guess the first 3 questions you ask are a simplistic form of the message I was trying to get across. What I'm guessing from your next questions, you are asking what it means when the perception of not doing enough in a relationship is affecting one party? What do you think, I would think overcompensate or end it (or something in between)... 1
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