Lesbian loneliness in mid-30s without positive prospects

[EllieKat]

So this is probably going to be a long post.

First for the general context and background - I've always struggled with intimate relationships of all kinds - be it romantic, sexual, both, you name it, especially as a lesbian transgender woman. During my school days, long before i was even (consciously) aware of my gender issues, i was a very awkward kid, pretty autistic and having a hard time with socialising in general.

I've always wanted to be in relationships, but at that time i couldn't imagine myself being in one,  as the idea of "being the guy of the relationship" disgusted me and pushed away from it. I didn't want to be the one to initiate everything, act manly, etc, etc. I've never been fond of the idea of "being a man" even before i found out i was transgender.

Over time, i've kinda accepted it and started even thinking that i'm fine being alone and just playing games in my spare time, not even having any real friends.

Fast forward to the time when transition came about and it flipped my entire worldview upside-down.

I was 30 at the time and quickly realised that i was not ok being alone all my life, and that it was just a cope, especially after meeting new friends online among the transgender communities and listening to their stories about their relationships and love life. Most of them had quite normal past experiences, and many of them even managed to setttle with a long-term partner at the time of the university. This has got me thinking how bad and unfulfilled my life was in that regard.

At some point i've entered an LDR with a nice trans girl from Latvia, but eventually it proved unsustainable. I needed a real, physical relationship.

Then i met another girl on discord, who thankfully lived nearby, some 60km away from me. I planned to move to the city where she lives earlier, so that only accelerated it. We quickly fell in love with each other and wanted to be together, it felt like as if we're soulmates. We've been in a LDR for a while, and then i moved to the city. She was simultaneously in a relationship with her cis girlfriend, whom she intended to break up with, as their relationship wasn't faring well. She used to hide that fact from her though, and intended to tell her a bit later as she wasn't immediately ready to bear the burden of a breakup after an 8-year long commitment.

Unfortunately the relationship fell apart after some 7 months, not without my fault, but leaving me pretty devastated and directionless regardless. She continues to stay in her previous relationship, hiding the fact that she had an affair with me. We stayed best friends despite all of this. I'm not sure whether this is healthy for me or not, but it's what it is.

And here we are in the present time. I'm alone, without hope to find another girlfriend. Honestly i really miss my ex and wish we could reunite but as the time passes, i feel like it's less and less viable anymore. I decided that i don't want to date another trans girl for the foreseeable future, but with cis girls it seems to be even harder, while being a trans-lesbian.

There aren't enough opportunities to casually meet people anymore, i fear. It's not the same as it used to be during the school life. Single people aren't natually surrounding you on daily basis and having interactions with you anymore. I'm not sure what to do and what my options are anymore. Online dating apps suck and are usually full of uninteresting or unattractive people who ghost you more often that not, and such mode of dating feels very unnatural anyway. Discord is much better, allowing the relationship to thrive natually and casually, evolving from initial friendship without the overt intention of finding a partner or a date, inherent to dedicated dating apps. The problem is that not many cis girls seem to be active on that platform, let alone lesbians which further decreases the possible dating pool for me.

I don't know where i'm going with this post anymore, and i apologise if it reads like an incoherent rant. Perhaps it is. I am just tired of all of this.

Edited March 17 by EllieKat
Typo and small addition

[Gaeta]

It's hard nowadays to find our someone. Once it took me 3 years online dating to find a serious someone.

I think more you expose yourself as single and available more you have chances of finding.

Online dating sucks but unfortunately it's how people meet nowadays, that's where the singles are, avoiding it would be like having a toothache and avoiding the dentist.

You can do other things to meet on top of onliine, you can subscribe to meetup groups, take a school class or take a course in something you enjoy. 

It's ok to feel discouraged at time, even that you enjoy with cookie dough ice cream and a good series.

Yes yes your situation may narrow your dating pool but nothing will happen if you beleive nothing will happen.

[smackie9]

Your ex was emotionally unavailable/unstable. Anyone who has on/off relationships should be completely avoided/not trusted. I get it, you really got something out of the relationship, and your brain matter wants to hold onto those emotions/feelings. We all have been there. Life teaches us a lot of lessons...some of them tough/ hurtful ones....but doesn't reflect that there should be no hope. It should give you the chance to grow, learn more about yourself, what you want and how to get it. Don't give up. there will always be another opportunity for you. If your choices are low where you are located...then make a change a go live where your community is thriving so you don't feel so isolated in your search. For now keep busy, do nice things for yourself, feel better.

[EllieKat]

It's not like she was emotionally unavailable (whatever you meant by that). I don't think she had any other on/off relationships on th side anyway, she's normally a faithful and monoromantic person, who spent 8 long years with her partner without interruptions until she met me. We both suffer from BPD and I did things that pushed her away due to my breakdowns and triggers. I did hurt her emotionally so it wasn't exactly her fault - i too have some homework to do, regarding my emotions and being able to control them.

But anyway, this is not the main point of this thread. It's about the struggle of finding anyone at all in my situation.

Edited March 18 by EllieKat

[Gaeta]

On 3/18/2024 at 1:54 PM, EllieKat said:

It's about the struggle of finding anyone at all in my situation.

You have a situation....I have a situation....many many people have situations, yet eventually we all find our someone. It's just a matter of time & effort. Is it harder for some people? Yes of course, but harder does not mean impossible.  Beleive in it and it will come to you. 

[EllieKat]

Thank you