Waaaaa somebody shoot this man!!!!!!!!!

[Lishy]

Hi guys

 

I need some more advice - A few of you may know my predicament with the guy I was having a casual fling with, but who I fell for.

 

Well I spoke to him and we sorted it out - He told me he didnt want to get into a big relationship as he wants to do things and being in a relationship would stop him.

 

So I was feeling fine about it after getting over the initial upset - I wasnt thinking about him, the obsessing stopped and I was dealing with it fine.

 

Then last night I am driving and I see him, I wave and he waves back. I knew he was on his way to work and he normally drives there. So when I get indoors I go into my bedroom and start to get undressed and as i look out of the wondow he is walking past my house! Now to walk past my house from where he lives is the long way around ....... So why did he do this? He then looks back at my house as he is walking, it was like he couldnt resist the urge to look up. I rang him and said that if I had known he was walking I would have offered him a lift and we had a joke about and spoke until he arrived at work.

 

Now I am back to thinking about him and over-analysing why he went out of his way to walk past here.

 

It is so obvious that we both like and miss each other so why doesnt he just take a chance? Oh I wish I didnt like him so much!!!!!!!!!

[Sevenmack]

He enjoys tripping you out and you're letting him do it. It's like a lot of things in life: People do plenty of things out of mere ego satisfaction, including dragging out things with those who they don't want as lovers -- and let's be honest, if he wanted you, he would figure a way to fit you into the things he wanted to do and you'd be all the happier -- and keeping them unhappily obsessing about relationships.

 

But it only works if you let his tricks work on you. This all comes down to managing your own emotions. That means stifling yourself when thoughts of him come up again and finding other interests to concentrate on. Ultimately you will still have residual feelings for him, but that's natural. However he will no longer get your gander up if you don't let him.

 

Believe me, I've been through these ego trips. Self-control of your emotions is the best way to handle these narcissists.

[Lishy]

So you really think it is all an ego thing? What happened to you?

[Sevenmack]

Most of the time, it's all about ego. For some odd reason, humans need to f--k with other people's heads, either to fill a void in their psyche, to gain satisfaction or just simply, just for the heck of it. And it's so much easier when, as he probably has, figured the other person out. Some of us are more perceptive of other people's weaknesses than others; a few of us advertise our weaknesses without even thinking about it. Either way, it's just so easy for those narcissists to do this without conscience because they're not really thinking about you, but solely about themselves.

 

Back when I was in college, I dated this one girl who really wasn't into me and was trying to get back with her ex. But because I wasn't smart enough to realize she was a waste of my time, she took full advantage. Only after I began becoming self-aware, in other words looking at myself for what I was not for what I wanted to think I was, was when she lost her ability to mess with my head. After all, I allowed her to mess with my head; I wasn't powerless, just unwilling to control my emotional reactions to her wiles.

 

It's still a continual process; I allowed one recent date to stay around too long, even after it was clear that no matter how interested she may have been in me, her issues (namely being stuck on her ex and the reality that as someone who is different from her both career-wise and outlook-wise, I was intriguing to her, but too risky for her as a lover) wouldn't allow a relationship to further develop into anything close to a real relationship. But when she pulled her cancelling date deal (after being "approached," or f--ked really well more like it, by her ex) -- and let me know by e-mail instead of a phone call (coward) -- I calmly replied to her that she shouldn't contact me till she got her head straight. When I ran into her two months -- and some e-mails from her trying to get back with me -- later, she said she was surprised that I didn't either curse her out -- apparently her previous lovers were either young bucks that didn't have much sense or street trash -- or just go along with her and kept the relationship going. My response? As a grown man, I'm not going to lose my hard-earned dignity because of the wishy-washiness of a woman whose mind is less mature than her body. Calmly, of course (it's amazing how people are shocked when you address them calmly, but let them know their worthlessness to you at the same time.)

 

It's time for you to tell him the same. Cut the cord. If it means not talking to him when you see him at events, do so; you're not obligated to talk to anyone except perhaps to say 'hello' and 'pardon me.' If he e-mails you, delete the notice. If he calls you, ignore the call or better yet, return it a week later just to let him know that he doesn't matter.

 

But those are all cosmetic changes. You still have to master your own emotions. He's going to matter to you in a residual way, but that's all it should be until he grows up and proves through his actions that he is into you and has stopped his narcissim. And chances are, if he changes -- and he likely won't; you're probably not the first woman put through his wishy-washiness -- you will have already moved on.

 

It's all about realizing that while you can't help your feelings for him, you are not powerless over your reactions to him or his actions. It means ignoring the feelings and looking at actions. And it's a funny thing how one's actions can turn one's stomach real quick.

[Gold Pile]

For once GP doesn't have an opinion

 

I hope you get feedback from more posters than just sevenmack.

Sevenmck presents a point of view to be considered, along with other (I hope) points of view.

[Maestro]

I think he just was looking for a booty-call.

[Walk]

I think... I think he does really like her. So, maybe he's waiting for her to be more confrontational, and not just text him messages. Maybe he's afraid that if he did start a relationship with her, then she wouldn't be upfront and honest when theres a problem? Or maybe he feels there are several hinderances to a relationship with her (which she's expressed herself).

 

In the same respect, maybe he's too scared to make a move except to walk past your house. Maybe he knows he doesn't want anything serious with you, but wishes to keep that string attached to you. Maybe he likes the feeling of knowing that he can get to you so easily, just by walking past.

 

The text you sent, he may not want to be "just friends" with you. Or maybe his rational brain is telling him a relationship with you wouldn't be in his best interest right now, while his emotional side is making him walk out of his way to see your house. His rational brain can ignore a text, his emotional side might not be able to ignore a call.

 

I see a few choices you need to make. If you want to be with him, then you need to be more proactive then just sending a text message of getting together. You know he'll just ignore it, and it'll leave you feeling worse.

 

If you want to break off from him, then don't contact him at all. No phone calls, no text messages.

 

You seem caught between what you want, and a strong desire not to put yourself in a position to be hurt anymore. If you stay in that place for too long, then your just passively going through life with whatever wind blows hardest. You need to decide, either by calling him and seeing if he will meet up with you. Or by breaking all contact with him for good. You seem stuck in between, not able to fully act, but wanting to.

 

So, what do you want Lishy? Do you want to try to get something started between the two of you (if possible)? Or move on with your life?

[Becoming]

I don't know the original situation, but as you say here, Lishy, you want more than he wants. Why would you be willing to betray your wants for someone whose wants won't allow your desires to be satisfied?

[noclobber]

Lishy baby he is only stroking his own ego by doing such things... don't qualify and over-analyze his actions.. u conveyed ur feelings and he said he cannot allow himself to fall in love with you for whatever warped reasons that he may have.. that's the end of the story... that's the final answer... u just need to move on to somebody else that wud be willing to return ur feelings..

 

remember? my girl keeps doing the same things like ur man... she now knows that i have feelings for her and she is trying to get some words out of my mouth and use it as an ego booster but i make sure that i don't give it to her

[Lishy]

The feedback here has been stunning.

 

You must all think I am such a dope, but honestly this guy says one things and acts the complete opposite. I over-anaylyse simply because he gives me reason to.

 

Obviously I really like him, I have never made so much effort with a guy. But now it has to stop. I really have to realise that if he was interested HE WOULD LET ME KNOW! I have to stop looking at WHY he drives and walks past here and just realised that is is because his ego loves the attention. If he was that into me then I am sure he would find a way to let me know.

 

I think that maybe he would like things to be like they where a few months ago - But that isn't good enough for me and I have to keep remembering how bad I felt a few days after he had been around. I am NOT a booty call girl but I fell into this with him because I liked him so much. It was my call not his - He isnt a bad man - I have just confused him with mixed messages but in the same sense I am sure I had a reason for that. I have great intuition.

 

Well gang, thank you AGAIN so very much for all of your heartfelt and thought about views and advice. I really must get my mind off of this guy (who really does not deserve me) - I couldnt possibly make myself any busier then I am right now but I will get through this.

 

Thanks again

[noclobber]

You must all think I am such a dope, but honestly this guy says one things and acts the complete opposite. I over-anaylyse simply because he gives me reason to.

 

yup they r all the same... say one thing and do the complete opposite. never fall for that trap!

 

I really have to realise that if he was interested HE WOULD LET ME KNOW! I have to stop looking at WHY he drives and walks past here and just realised that is is because his ego loves the attention. If he was that into me then I am sure he would find a way to let me know.

 

there u go!! if he is really into u he will let you know!!! not just walk by or drive by ur home...

 

Well gang, thank you AGAIN so very much for all of your heartfelt and thought about views and advice. I really must get my mind off of this guy (who really does not deserve me) - I couldnt possibly make myself any busier then I am right now but I will get through this.

 

Thanks again

 

we r always there for u sweet Lishy... keep rocking!!!

[Becoming]

He doesn't know what he's missing! Too bad.

[whichwayisup]

Forget what he says, LOOK for his actions!! I'm betting he's scared s***less of being in a relationship and the feelings are overwhelming for him!

 

Just play it cool abit, don't ignore him but don't go chasing him either. Be friends, talk to him and just go with the flow.

 

If things are still happening in afew months, then maybe bring "the conversation" up again...But, just enjoy it for what it is now. Stay in the moment, be happy!

[Sevenmack]

He doesn't know what he's missing! Too bad.

 

Doesn't matter. The reality is that he's not thinking about what he's missing, but what he wants. And that's true for all of us in a way; a woman may not be attracted to a perfectly decent gentlemen because he doesn't appeal to her desires, whatever they may be. I know of a number of women who were interested in me, but I not in them. Since I try to be honorable -- I don't string women along in such situations -- I'm honest about my lack of desire for them and move on.

 

In his case, his lack of interest would be acceptable if he wasn't head-tripping her at the same time (and no, I don't think, as whichwayisup thinks that he's simply scared; a grown man knows what he wants and gets it). It's one thing if this is a purely sex relationship; under such circumstances feelings are at risk of developing, so one must understand that before proceeding. But she's not just interested in sex. At least that's what it seems.

[Lishy]

In his case, his lack of interest would be acceptable if he wasn't head-tripping her at the same time (and no, I don't think, as whichwayisup thinks that he's simply scared; a grown man knows what he wants and gets it). It's one thing if this is a purely sex relationship; under such circumstances feelings are at risk of developing, so one must understand that before proceeding. But she's not just interested in sex. At least that's what it seems.

 

Yes you are right - If he was not interested me I would accept that no problem - BUT that isnt the case - I know he fancies me I know he thinks I am a nice person - He doesnt want a relationship for whatever reason and that is fine too - BUT why is he fking with my head? He isnt silly, he knows what I will think when he walks and drives past my house!

 

He is a nice guy so why the constant need to be in my face? If he didnt want me anymore he would avoid me like the plague (wouldnt he?)

 

I have told him how I feel in no uncertain terms and he is obviously wanting to keep himself in my head or why would he go out of his way to be seen by me?

 

Oh well I will chalk this up to experience and NEVER let this happen to me again. The sad thing was that I really thought all I wanted in my life was a casual thing and I now know that I could never be in that situation again.