salmagundi Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 OK I need some help, I swear to god all my friends are sick of hearing about and most of them are her friends too. For the last 8 months I've been in a "relationship" with a woman. When we we dating last spring it was brilliant, but she was freshly broken up. But it was ok, she dumped him and I went away for the summer to do forestry work. She came out from Quebec to BC to visit in July, it was good (and a huge investment in me on her part to drive 3000 km..) When I got back things were good for the first 3 months but then got weird. Partly because we jumped in pretty fast, partly because I was maybe a little keen (not over the top keen but I could have played it cooler) and partly because apparently got a little freaked out about us getting into a committed serious relationship. But we are really close, and extremely intimate and she wanted it to work. Of course she also told me she might be trying to sabotage our relationship. But even though she always told me she didnt want to lose me, the ambiguity and her hot/cold emotions never got any better so I asked her one night if she was still into it or if it was time to call it a day. I had to, I was getting too stressed out. She said it would be better if we broke up. Since the breakup I have kept my distance. Not NC but I make her come after me. And she does, practically every day. Usually under one pretext or another. She'll find me at work, or run into in places she knows I frequent. She found me once at a show and put her arm in mine as we left. Told me she loved me and...thats right "didnt want to lose me". Her friends say she is really confused about us and trying to sort out hher feelings but that she really loves/misses me and hates the idea of me not being in her life. And that she is afraid of passing by the man of her life. And that she was having a hard time accepting her decision but was trying to do it anyway. I give her all her stuff, she tells me its over but "do I want her to give my stuff back?" (?!) Anyway, after 3 weeks of just seeing her a few minutes here and another few minutes there she finds me in a cafe downtown and joins me and tells me she's really sad all the time (wont say why), that her life lacks "magique" (shes french canadian)and that the space has been good for us and maybe we can start hanging out more. I have told her twice in the past that if we're done we're done and that I would work things out with her if she was willing but that I cant see being her friend...it would just hurt to much and be a lie in any case (i love her) So I tell her we shouldn"t be seeing each other. But we do all the time anyway. WHy. Two days ago, she invites me over for dinner. She's really warm, affectionate (of course we never really stopped enjoying each others company since breaking up, we just stopped haveing sex...). She starts reminiscing about when we first start dating and how great it was. Then at the end of the night she hugs me really close and then we look into each others eyes and I say "so, how do you feel about me looking into your eyes like this?" And she says I can only do it to her because shes doing it to me. Then she pulls away and I go home...but only after she sends me off with some books and cds that...well...that sooner or later I'm gonna have to put in a plastic bag and give back to her. Finally I see her at school on friday. I'm leaving to go home across the country that evening and its our last time to see each other in 3 weeks. Maybe I'm stupid but i cant handle the idea of going home for xmas without any idea whats going on so I say "I guess it will be good to get some space so we can figure out how we want to fit into each others lives." She gives me nothing so I tell her she has to think about whats happening between us because I cant find a way to just be her friend feeling the way I do, no matter how much it would hurt me to push her out of my life. She tells me she knows, that she knows that friendship would go nowhere for us then hugs me real REAL close and runs her hands all over my back and through my hair and well...whatever...I'm no further ahead and no less confused. But I am having a real crappy xmas. She says maybe things will be more clear when we get back. What is she doing? Is this normal post breakup behaviour? I'm getting played for a total fool? Or does she love me as much as sometimes I think she does and is just trying to keep me around while she straightens her head out? Feedback would be super, sorry its so long. I could have gone on for another 10 pages.
salmagundi Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Well, I wonder how many of us got emails from our exes on ex-mas? I havent spoken to the above mentioned ex in about 9 days and didnt expect to until after I got back to Québec in two weeks. But on top of everything I've mentioned above I now have an email from her. It goes Joyeux Noel Je pense à toi, VirginieXXXX which means "merry xmas, I'm thinking of you etc..." I'm not going to respond right away but I'm still in the same spot. I dont know if her communication is a sign of some effort at reconciliation or if she is just stringing me along/manipulating me (I have to say its been killing me thinking that she would be capable of doing that to me). What to do? How to tell what she wants? SHould I write her back in some form? Thanks for any advice.. salmagundi
riobikini Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Dear Sal: I am presently in that gray, 'no-where' zone too, but I have made up my mind to wait it out. The person I am involved with (am I ????) , is very low on communication and when he does throw me a crumb, gives strange, mixed, confusing signals, much like your GF. Still, I love him with everything in me, and have chosen to play each card as it is drawn. It is frustrating, to say the least. It is maddening at the worst. I do daily mental assessments of 'where' we're at' and some days, (or moments) when I am weakest, I feel like throwing in the towel. Other days, I manage to reground myself with ALL the information I have about our history so far and find the courage, somehow, to make like a piece of steel and and refuse to cave in. I do this all without him knowing. I guess I appear really cool, calm, and collected from the outside, but you (and other LS ppl) now know the real truth about what I'm dealing with on the inside. That's something I feel HE should NOT know. REASON: Having him know exactly what I'm struggling with with only sap the last bit of dignity from me that I might need to someday (if it ever comes to that) walk away. And we (I) need that in reserve to help me NOW and, perhaps, LATER. It's an element of self-respect and self-preservation. I hope relating to you my personal experience has helped in some small way and let you know you are not alone. Take care. -Rio
salmagundi Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 thanks rio, i do appreciate knowing its not just me hanging out in no man's (woman's) land. I just hope I will be able to know at what point i'm just riding my ex-girlfriends emotional merry-go-round and need to get off. Because its really hard getting all these signals from her that clearly dont mean "lets just be friends" but dont clearly mean anything more either. I guess, like you, I just need to take it as it comes but otherwise just worry about me (something I wasnt as good at doing in our relationship). But I wonder, all this chasing after me after dumping me, this "not wanting to lose me" and wanting to spend time with me so quickly after our break-up...could she just be using me to help her get over me? Is she genuinely still attached to me (and maybe reconsidering her decision) or am I just filling the hole that she made when she broke up with me until someone else comes along? (damn, that hurts to think about...) thanks salmagundi
riobikini Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 It's like someone standing with a pair of scissors in hand poised over heartstrings ready to sever them. The person holding the scissors knows there will be pain in the cutting but is already feeling the pain from the THOUGHT of cutting. It's like cutting the throat of something that was breathing, full of life and gave such happiness, but they, (for whatever reason), have chosen to end it's life. Both of you feel the PRESENT pain as well the IMPENDING pain and loss, -but, while only ONE of you will be the one to do the initial cutting, the other is forced to go along with the decision. It takes TWO ppl to save the life of the relationship. YOU are willing, -SHE is not so sure, so she stands there with the scissors in hand. It's HER decision in a very major sense. But YOU are being tortured by HER drawn-out decision. It all goes back to the 'gray area' I spoke about.....you and I can CHOOSE to stay there and be tortured until we can't take it anymore, or we can take the scissors and do the cutting OURSELVES. We are not without options, my friend. That's where the self-preservation thing comes in that I also spoke about in my previous reply to you; always reserve enough basic dignity to to do what you must, if it's ever called for. THEY only SEEM to control the situation, -we are truly not at their mercy. When things start winding down to that last inning and no one has made a rat's-ass attempt at a hit, -we'll break out the right ball, knock it all the way to the next planet..... and leave the freaking game. Walking, -not crawling. Take care. -Rio
salmagundi Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 thanks Rio for the insight, you dont know how much this forum is helping me deal with this. ANyway, I'll write her today, really briefly, I'll just tell her i've been thinking of her too (its true, obviously) and hope she's well and leave it at that. I've got two more weeks before I go back to Québec and I think that will do a lot to get my head straightened out and, more importantly, get my balls back so I can negotiate this from a position of strength. Because you're right, its not just her decision... Thanks again, salmagundi
salmagundi Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 alright...I sent her an email. Really short just "thinking of you too, hope you're having a good xmas. thats it. But now? Now all that space I've gotten from her (all 3000 kilometres of it) has been filled by me waiting for her response...f*ck! I know that if shes going to send me ambiguous emails that dont do anything to reinforce the idea that its over and/or we're just friends (cause it doesnt) she better have something good in mind because I find myself starting to hope again that we can get reconciled and back together and I know if thats not the case...well...I don't know how I could stand to talk to her again. So heres hoping this game isnt a game....
riobikini Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Sal...I wish I could comfort you with nice soothing words, but I just posted my own decision with my guy and it wasn't in favor, after all, of the relationship. I did it to save ME. I simply had to face facts. I still believe what I said earlier: one of you will make the final decision...the other will have no choice but to (at some point) accept it. Take care. -Rio
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