I don't know what to do...

[wannabeloved]

I am going through some BS with my husband. I don't know for 100% fact that he is actually having an affair, or maybe I just don't want to accept it. I just recently found out that he bought himself a cell phone which he already has one, but this one is for him to hide from me. He has been acting strange but also telling me he wants to give us one last try. We went to see a therapist a couple of days ago, but I am not sure if he's going because he's too afraid to tell me it's over. So I don't know what to tell you to do either because I have no clue what I should do myself. But I can tell you to try and be strong, I just wished I could take my own advice. So now I will tell you what I am going through.

 

This is both our 2nd marriage. I have a 16 year old daughter, which she was 11 when he came into out lives. He has 3 kids which live with us full time which I am raising more than he is because he is out doing what he is doing and not being at home. He works about 1 hour & 1/2 away from home. He's originally from there but not myself. I have asked him several times but he says he is not doing anything wrong or anything he shouldn't be. I have not confronted him about me knowing I found out about his secret cell phone. I have even managed to find the ph# for it. I have been screwed around on from my 1st husband, so I know what signs to look for.

 

I truly love him, and I am excellent to his kids and he knows this. There has been an issue with me not doing what he wanted me to do with my daughter because of guilt I have felt because she was so hurt when I kicked her father out. So I have been letting her get away with things that I should not have. So by me doing this, he felt I disrespected him. But that is not what I was trying to do, I was just torn in between making both of them happy. We have fought alot about this, and he has left with his kids before to go stay at his mom's because he was so fed up with it, but he's came back. but I didn't stick to my word. Not intentionally though.

 

I now realize how much he is hurting by me not respecting him. I have admitted to this and have asked him to give me once more chance before he just throws our marriage away which he said he will, but he stays out alot later that he says, and my gut feeling is that he is not being totally honest with me.

 

I can say that other than the issue with my daughter I am a great wife to him, which he has told me. But is it too late for me to prove that I am changing??? He said he is not stopping me from proving myself and also said he's not going anywhere YET, but truly I don't think he's being honest. I am making myself sick over this. I can't eat, sleep or think straight.

 

And to make things worse, I had surgery 7 wks ago and am going through hell, I did not heal as I should have and it's been hell for me as I am sure him too, but I am slowly getting better. But because of all the stress I am going through, my home nurse has been telling I need to stop doing this to myself.

 

But my question is...how and what should I do?

 

I am sorry for this being soooo long, but this is the 1st time I have ever posted anything on the internet. And I just needed some advise and help from anyone who may help me.

 

I appreciate any advise at all!

[wannabeloved]

Sorry that was so confusing. I actually wrote that to a reply to someone else's thread and realized i screwed it up so I and made a thread of my own but didn't change the part where i was talking to the person. Sorry about that.

[VnusMars]

Your first mistake is what information you decided to include here...

 

"I think my husband is having an affair...etc.etc.etc."

 

then...

 

"Here are reasons X and Y why he may not be 100% happy with me..."

 

That's a huge red flag.

That almost sounds like you're saying "if he IS cheating, I guess I can understand because I pushed him to do it, or because things have been rough..."

 

NOT TRUE.

 

Your post should have ended with the part about how you suspect him of cheating, the rest of it is somewhat unrelated.

 

The general word you will get around here is..."if you're suspicious, then you're probably right."

 

Best thing you can do...

Start to try and gather evidence - cell phone bills, bank receipts, emails, web browser history, anything and everything you can get. Install a keylogger on your PC. Dig around in his car to find evidence. Call him unexpectedly when you think he should be at work.

Do this and keep QUIET until you have the proof you need.

 

As a FWH and BH, someone who has both covered the tracks of his own affairs and investigated the tracks left by my wife, I can tell you...

Cheaters are sneaky and cunning and smart, but we're never THAT good. He will slip up somewhere and if you're diligent you will catch it.

 

Once you have the proof, confront him. The more damning the evidence and the more undeniable it is, the better, because he WILL try to back pedal, to make excuses, to put it back on you somehow, like a cornered animal he will do EVERYTHING not to admit his wrongdoing.

 

And if you do all of this research and find nothing at all...then so be it.

One way or the other, you deserve the real truth, and if he won't give it to you, get it for yourself.

 

This is about YOUR needs now - not his. If your suspicions are correct, he's taking care of "his needs" already. Don't back down, and demand full disclosure and compliance, or you leave. Period. You can't play softball with a cheater, it's got to be all or nothing at all.

[wannabeloved]

Hi VnusMars,

 

I realized after doing the post than I didn't say what I wanted, and it came out totally the wrong way. I tried to fix it but I couldn't. But you are right about what you say though. I will say what I should have said in the 1st place. I suspect my husband may be having an affair.

 

But I am not 100% sure. I have found some proof, a secret cell phone that belongs to him, which we both already have 1 phone, so why a secret one from me? I have found a few receipts from a different bank account than ours, I asked him and he said his sister let's him borrow money sometimes when he's short. Not sure to believe if that's true or not. And caught him in lies, but he always finds a way to try and make some bogus story up.

 

But I have let that go and I am not making an issue of it. He workes late, so he says. But never seems to call me from work when he says he's working late, but calls me from his cell phone, not his secret of course :-) And always ends up alot later than he sais he would, doesn't call to tell me. He drives 1 hour & 1/2 from work each day, so I worry about him when I don't hear from him, I always fear the worse and think that he got into an accident, this is why I always ask him to call me so I don't sit & worry. I know...us women worry too much, but that's how God made us.

 

Now if he stayed out 2 nights last week which he's never done, am I not to assume he is cheating on me? He told me the one night he slept at a friends which could be possible because he's from the city he works in, but the other night he said he was too pissed off with how he was feeling and going through that he stayed in the ungarage at is work. Now I don't know about you. But that seems a bit messed up. What do you think?

 

He's left for a couple of days and took his 3 kids with him to go to his moms, which I know is true because the kids have called me. He said he neede to clear his head, now before that happened, we had a very long talk and he fell apart and cried for 2 hours, saying things like I hate myself, I hate what I am doing, ect...which he has never done.

 

So I was thinking this was a guilt thing he was feeling. But I a can't say for sure. By the way, the secret cell phone he has is being used alot. I was able to get his ph: and I am able to track the minutes daily.

 

Now you're a guy, is it possible that he is just do mad and has so much anger that he would buy a phone and hide it from me, just to be a ****? So that when I do confront him about it, he'll say he did it to piss me off. He is a bit of a kid when it comes to him being angry and not being ableto forgive and move on. He likes to hold grudges which to me are a waist of time, life is too short for that sort of thing.

 

I just wanna be happy and enjoy my life as much as I possibly can. I want a partner who will be honest with me and faithful as I am with him. But if I can't get that from me. What do I do? Because of how much I love him?

 

Sounds silly huh? I know there's alot more men who would love to hook up with me, but that does not interest me at all. I haven't put almost 5 yrs to just give up, but I guess if the signs are so obvious, than I will have to accept it and move on.

 

Why does life suck so much? Why is it when we try our best and love as much as we do, that men can't seem to realize that yes we screw up, but guess what? So do men. But when we do it, it's the end of the world. They can't seem to be able to handle it and want to run away from it. Sorry, when I say this I don't mean you. I mean my husband, so please don't take it personally.

 

Wow, I almost forgot to say that the night he broke down, it took him almost an hour to tell me that he had decided it was over but this was Saturday that he told me, he told he he's been fighting it. So I am hoping this is a good sign. Do you?

 

Thanks for your advice!

Hope you have some more for me ;-)

[whichwayisup]

You two HAVE to go to marriage counselling and atleast see if the marriage is fixable. Seems both of you are unhappy. Either he is cheating and met someone or is considering an affair. He already told you it's over but then changed his mind. HUGE red flag! So, take this opportunity to tell him how you feel. Lay it all out on the line! Get him to tell you if there is an affair going on. Find out why he is so unhappy. Maybe each of you have needs that aren't being met, and having this happen now COULD be a good thing if it means each of you are willing to work on the marriage.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[wannabeloved]

That's the thing though, we did see a marriage therapist last week, and we have another apponitment booked which he agreed to wanting to go. I have asked if is he still wants to give us one las chance and he said yes, but I am not sure if he truly means it or if he just says that because he doesn't want to hurt me by saying it is over.

 

I have even said to him that if he has found someone else, which he says has absolutely nothing to do with another woman. I've even said to just come clean and we can just go our seperate ways, if this is what he truly wants. But he says he still loves me, so honestly I don't know what to think. I am almost willing to forgive him if he has, and will try and fight to save our marriage. I am not sure how it would end up, but at least I want to try before we just say the hell with it. Marriage is something so may people take not as serious as they should. I am not like that. I don't want to do that because I really know that we do still have alot of love for each other and want to try and save this marriage. I really believe it can be done, but he needs to feel the same.

 

He says he does, but for some reason my gut tells me otherwise. But the one thing I hang on it, is what he said to me about how he had decided Tuesday it was over, but also admitted he's been fighting it. So this has to mean something right?

 

So should I just sit and see how things go and pray for the best? Or do I approach him with the things I have found that tell me he is being dishonset about something and hiding something from me, possibly not an affair but maybe an emotional thing with the person he's been confiding in which can possibly turn into a full blown affair if it's not confronted. Please give me any thoughts on this. Maybe I am just being paranoid and thinking the worse, but you know what they say about women's intuition, mine is usually right.

 

Thanks :-)

[VnusMars]

WBL - Sorry I didn't reply to your post until now, but I've been out of town and dealing with my own issues with my wife, etc.

 

How has this all turned out?

I still am almost 90% sure your husband is cheating on you.

All the signals point in that direction, and I know because I've told the exact same lies he is telling you ("working late," secret accounts, etc.) and to which I've been subjected (my W got a separate cell phone when she cheated on me).

 

You need to do more secret investigation to find out exactly WHO he is calling on that secret cell phone, WHAT he is paying for out of that secret bank account, WHERE he really is when he says he's working late.

When you have proof, confront him, because if you just go off of circumstantial evidence, he will deny deny deny forever. He will probably STILL deny it even after you have hard proof.

That's how cheaters work - they want their cake and eat it too, and will lie and cheat and steal to keep the status quo at ALL costs.

 

Don't trust one iota of his "explanations" until there is hard evidence to back it up or prove him a liar.

 

SECRECY IS THE ENEMY OF MARRIAGE. You deserve to know everything, and if he's not willing to prove his innocence beyond a doubt, then he's not willing to be truly married. A truly innocent person would open up every nook and cranny to prove they're right. His half-assed answers sound like cover stories to keep you off the scent more than they sound like the real truth.

[EMJ]

Don't know if you are reading wannabeloved, but looks like your paranoia and fear of cheating husbands has made you very sensitive to any percieved threats.

 

He's attending counseling with you and says he loves you & wants to stay. That's huge-HUGE.

 

This previous post: "You need to do more secret investigation to find out exactly WHO he is calling on that secret cell phone, WHAT he is paying for out of that secret bank account, WHERE he really is when he says he's working late. When you have proof, confront him, because if you just go off of circumstantial evidence, he will deny deny deny forever. He will probably STILL deny it even after you have hard proof.That's how cheaters work - they want their cake and eat it too, and will lie and cheat and steal to keep the status quo at ALL costs." IS NOT HELPFUL and feeds into your pre existing fears. It just looks crazy to even read it. Just ask him directly about the cell phone, kindly. You'll know the answer by his response.

 

Regarding your 16 year old, she knows she's getting away with things and does not respect you because you let her run the show. Teenagers look like adults, but don't think like them at all. Remember teenager=narcisist. She's only going to be there a few more years and probably doesn't give a frig about your marriage either way. Give her some rules and boundaries, don't let her be disrespectful & rude. I have raised a teenage daughter and know that disrespectful & rude is pretty much who they are at this point in life. But she's not grown yet. It's your job to keep forcing her back into line, she won't like it and will fight you but will respect you for it later (about 5 years later!).

 

Don't let her be a factor in the dissolution of your marriage. If you love him, work at it. He will be the one there for you if you show him that you love, respect and value him.