Not to sure what to do here please help....

[Ruff Ryder]

Hi all..

 

I was engaged to well "the love of my life" anyway to cut a long story short we split up, It was a fairly hash break up with loads of fighting and huge emotions involved.

 

She moved out of my house and broke my heart and my life. So here is the deal we have been in contact for the last few weeks but it was just to sort out who owns what so i ended giving her most of the stuff.

 

So friday comes and we had made plans to go for coffee, she arrives at ny house and isnt feeling to well so we dont go out we stay at my place and have lunch. Then she stays the night (nothing happens at all just cuddling) then saturday comes she goes home goes shopping then comes back to my place for lunch leaves at 5:00pm.

 

She has been seeing another guy (but from what i gather and have been told by her friends he isnt good looking at all and is almost a nerd with his attitude) I know that he was away up till today. I call het to see how she is feeling so all she says is "im fine ill chat to you tomorrow".

 

To put it bluntly i do still have feelings for her and want her in my life. I just dont know what she is doing (what her actions over the last few days are ment to mean) When we together we both have a good time an joke and laugh)

 

Please any advise or help just feed back would be good.

 

Thnaks guys

[bendit]

you are giving her one giant ego trip! here she has broken up with you, has another guy already she is dating and doing the wild thing with, and has you also wanting her to CUDDLE! What a gigantic ego trip you have given her! you are being all sweet and cuddling with her and she realizes how great she is because you want her and so does the other guy. One question, some guy is porking her now so why do you want her? Because of her high moral standard? Her Mother Theresa like saintliness? Here she is in bed with you, staying over with you, and porking some other guy when he is in town? Could it get anymore DRAMATIC? They love these kind of dramatics!

 

Here is my advice. Kick her to the curb and REALIZE she is whoring and playing you. And go full on NC and get your self respect back. If she really wants to come back, and you really want her after some guy has been having her every which way from sundown to sun up, then the only way she will come knocking on your door is after she MISSES you and she will only miss you when you go NC and disappear from her life. Cuz right now she is loving life. She is getting it from the other guy, and here you are making life wonderful for her by cuddling with her and saying its perfectly ok with me that this guy is having his way with you like I used to do. Think man.

 

regards

[pippen_2k]

lol God some women work in mysterious ways.... I will never even attempt to work em out!

 

This women sounds like nothing but stress to me. You know what you gotta do.

[monkeybars]

you need to stop contact--she is disrespecting you and you are disrespecting yourself. Look, I am in the same situation, an ex fiance, been demoted --I did the move out thing, he still has most of my stuff, i don't really want it anymore anyways, I have my important things, books, cds, clothes, sentimental stuff.

 

I decided about a week ago, after he called and did the "i miss you" thing, that I needed to do NC for myself, and only for myself.

 

Look, I am a Recruiter, dating and looking for a job are very similar. In 15 years of doing my job, this I've learned. If a company is stalling about hiring somebody, it means that they hope somebody better comes along. If a company puts somebody on probation, which is what a broken engagement is, that someone is going to get canned soon. Trust me on this, if it's looking for a job, or looking for love, there are similarities.

 

Right now, what your ex-fiance is doing, is sending out her resume, putting her feelers out there, but you, being her steady "job" , are still "paying" her for her work, while the entire time, she's sending out her resume, and interviewing, hoping to get a better job and a raise. Like any employee who's looking, she's slacking off, showing disrespect, and not putting alot of effort into her current "position". My ex even has his resume posted, and like most resumes, it's 75% made up-cos, like job hunters, dumpers want to put a better spin on themselves.

 

I have 100% empathy for you, because we really are going through the same thig. It hurts like hell, like nothing I've felt before, but, I KNOW that I am doing this for me, and my future...whether or not he's in it. So like the employer who just lost a supposed "valued" employee, I am doing hiring as well. I've interviewed a few candidates, a couple might be worth hiring, but I'm going to contiunue searching resume databases, maybe make some recruiting calls, and continue interviewing. Or maybe, I realised that since this employee left, I may not need to replace him right away, and see if my company can run for a while without a replacement. Many companies do that, take up the extra slack themselves, until they are in a position to make an offer to a new candidate.

 

 

I know you still love her, I still love A. as well--however, if A. decided that he needed to add some skills to his resume, who am I to stop him? Let her go, it is truly the only way that you will get peace. And like many employees who leave a stable company, they may not like the new company so much after all--Hell, it happens all the time. And maybe she will like her new company, that just means that there is a more dedicated employee out there for you. So put up a job posting...and SCREEN the candidates to make sure that their resume tells the whole truth. Or. maybe go over your budget for next year and make those employee cuts, they aren't adding any value anyways since they're looking.

 

Good luck, and stop calling her!!--and stop taking her calls and being her emotional gigilo!!! ;o)

[Ruff Ryder]

I see what you are saying and i do appreciate it and see how it does work. However (well not really cause there is no excuse) There was NC for the first month (mostly) and then all of a sudden this.

 

The question is what are the chances she still has feelings for me?

 

I know that sometimes to let go is best but if i have just half a chance of working things out with her i will....

 

Some feed back would be great.

 

Thank you all for your advise it is always a great help and you all have been a blessing....

[whichwayisup]

Read no foolin's thread. I bumped it up tonight. Think it could help ya!

 

OFCOURSE she still has feelings for you. Feelings just don't up and disappear!

 

The thing is, right now it seems she is keeping you around, for her benefit. Kinda like a safety net. There is no mean intent, I don't think, it's more comfort for her. She isn't thinking of how hard it will be on you, she's only thinking of herself and her needs.

 

Once ALL her stuff is out of the house, for your own sanity and peace of mind, talk to her and tell her how seeing her, talking to her is breaking your heart...Making it worse for you. She hopefully will respect that and give you space. The last thing you need in your life is to have her around you and knowing that she is seeing some other guy. (My guess is, he's the rebound.) That isn't right.

[CaliGuy]

She moved out of my house and broke my heart and my life. So here is the deal we have been in contact for the last few weeks but it was just to sort out who owns what so i ended giving her most of the stuff.

 

How long ago? Did you go NC? Why are you still talking to her?

 

So friday comes and we had made plans to go for coffee, she arrives at ny house and isnt feeling to well so we dont go out we stay at my place and have lunch. Then she stays the night (nothing happens at all just cuddling) then saturday comes she goes home goes shopping then comes back to my place for lunch leaves at 5:00pm.

 

Agree with the poster that said she's yanking with your emotions, trying to see how long the chain is around your neck. Don't give her the pleasure of seeing you're still attached.

 

She has been seeing another guy (but from what i gather and have been told by her friends he isnt good looking at all and is almost a nerd with his attitude) I know that he was away up till today.

 

Don't compare yourself to that guy or judge him. That's a sign of a self-esteem and confidence problem. You need to not worry about him or him with her. Nothing you can do about it, just focus on healing yourself and keeping her at a distance. No contact, she's confused and she's using you.

 

 

I call het to see how she is feeling so all she says is "im fine ill chat to you tomorrow".

 

Stop calling her

 

To put it bluntly i do still have feelings for her and want her in my life.

 

She can tell and she'll use that to her advantage as long as you let her.

 

I just dont know what she is doing (what her actions over the last few days are ment to mean) When we together we both have a good time an joke and laugh)

 

Please any advise or help just feed back would be good.

 

She wants to know you'll still be around if the new relationship fails. Stop giving her the pleasure of your time. While she is seeing someone else you should definitely tell her that you can't hang out. That's just how it is. Don't be friends with her, that's settling for less than you feel you deserve. If you want her back in your life, show her what it's like to not have you. Be blunt and tell her "I'm not comfortable hanging out while you're dating someone else. That's not cool with me." Leave it at that. You don't want to be friends with her and she'll keep you around at her beck and call, throwing you breadcrumbs until she doesn't need you anymore.

 

Break it off. I know it's hard, but right now you're not dating and you need to focus on yourself. No hanging out, no sleepovers, no coffee, no lunch.

 

That's my 2 cents. I wouldn't give my ex the pleasure of my company knowing she is dating someone else. I damn sure wouldn't let her sleep over or hang out at my place. Not cool.

 

Thnaks guys

[bendit]

ruff ryder, you are in a fog right now and not thinking clearly. that's why going nc and staying nc is always the way to go because it starts to get you out of the fog and lets you see reality clearly. so let me be blunt. your little "lady" is bangin some other guy. All the stuff you used to do together?...she is now doing, and maybe stuff you didn't do, with her new boy toy......1....2....3.....just giving you some time to let that thought sink in....

 

 

Now, what are you implicitly telling her by cuddling with her and being her emotional tampon? What you are saying is..."It is FINE WITH ME that you are bangin this other guy. YOU GO GIRL! You get yo Phreak on all you want and if he isn't there to help you or he is out of town, come on over! And I will make you coffee and we can cuddle all night just like we are GIRLFRIENDS!!"

 

ruff, you MUST be hurting to allow this to go on. She is disrespecting you. And you are disrespecting yourself. She is BOINKIN another guy, and here you are making life wonderful for her.

 

You have to MAN UP right now and kick her to the curb. Then, give yourself some time to heal (NC), get some perspective on this relationship and yourself, and then figure out if this woman who you were going to spend the rest of your days with, and who MINUTES after you break is doing all kinds of fun and interesting gymnastics with a NEW GUY, is someone you want back. That's something you are going to have to think about hard. Or maybe just maybe one of the thousands of great women you come in contact with in the future, most of whom would NEVER DO THAT to you, even if you did happen to break up, is a better long term match for you.

 

Time to MAN UP and think about what we are all telling you. We all are telling you the same thing. I am being more blunt because I hope the reality of what I am saying is going to sink in for you. Good luck ruff.

 

regards

[Ruff Ryder]

If you put it like that i can see what you mean. Im no pu55y and i think you right take the bull by the horns type of thing?

 

Well havent heard from her today and havent tryed to contact her. I think she needs to experince life without me in it. I treated her well and spoilt her rotten so now its her time to walk the path of life and she what it is like.

 

Big up to all of you for the advise.

 

If anyone has anyhing else to add it would be much appreciated.

 

Kind regards

 

Ruff

[In Sync]

Hey Ruff Ryder,

 

Are you so blinded by this woman that you can't see how she's using you to wipe her feet on you!? I know it's hard to want someone so bad, but you gotta face facts...she's not worth your time and totally she's screwing with your emotions. No two ways about it. Deep down you must know it because there is no way you would be writing here totally naive of this fact.

 

To be honest I don't think you love her. I think we forget we become obsessed when we can't get something we really want...and at the point when you lose your self respect THIS IS NOT LOVE. It's is self hatred to accept that someone is off screwing another guy and you so willingly accept it in he hopes of maybe she'll return to you. I know..I've been there with my ex, and I see how I'd lowered myself by maintaining any contact with him by virtually turning a blind eye to that.

 

Cut that skank loose and NC. Yes its painful to lose the illusion of what you had but now you are settling for her s*** droopings.

[Ruff Ryder]

I can see what your saying. But it is hard to belive that after 5 years of sacrifice and all the time money and effort invested into someone or something could be such a wast of emotion of effort and time.

 

Its hard to think that maybe she wont come back and its hard to see the future without her in it and its hard to think of her with someone else.....

 

Some times you just want to trow the towl in and say thts it im out and you have no were to go no one to turn to nothing left to give the world and thats it you just ready to say goodbye. But then i tink to myself was it really a wast? Yes she broke my heart and destroyed what i got used to calling my life, yes she is with someone else but was it really a wast?

 

I cant answer that question and im not sure i want it answered. Some times i cant sleep at night some times i cant think straight and some days are harder than others. But she is gone and that is something ill have to live with.

 

Yes it is most definitly LOVE and maybe that is gone too but holding on to just the thought that some day she might come back or that i might love again is what keeps me going? How do i know if she isnt in pain too? How do i know this new guy isnt a comfort thing just so she is not alone? Who's to say that maybe a break is all we needed?

 

I dont have those answers either, im not in denial its just a case of who's to know what is happining? Yes i must be ready for the worst and yes my world has fallen apart and may do it again but isnt that risk worth it?

 

Just the chance of being happy is that not worth it?

 

I dont have the answers and i may never but sometimes hope is all that is left and that is what some must hold onto. Im not saying im going to build my life around getting her back, I was happy before her so i will be happy again but it would be great if she came home again......

[In Sync]

I can see what your saying. But it is hard to belive that after 5 years of sacrifice and all the time money and effort invested into someone or something could be such a wast of emotion of effort and time.

 

Its hard to think that maybe she wont come back and its hard to see the future without her in it and its hard to think of her with someone else.....

 

Some times you just want to trow the towl in and say thts it im out and you have no were to go no one to turn to nothing left to give the world and thats it you just ready to say goodbye. But then i tink to myself was it really a wast? Yes she broke my heart and destroyed what i got used to calling my life, yes she is with someone else but was it really a wast?

 

I cant answer that question and im not sure i want it answered. Some times i cant sleep at night some times i cant think straight and some days are harder than others. But she is gone and that is something ill have to live with.

 

Yes it is most definitly LOVE and maybe that is gone too but holding on to just the thought that some day she might come back or that i might love again is what keeps me going? How do i know if she isnt in pain too? How do i know this new guy isnt a comfort thing just so she is not alone? Who's to say that maybe a break is all we needed?

 

I dont have those answers either, im not in denial its just a case of who's to know what is happining? Yes i must be ready for the worst and yes my world has fallen apart and may do it again but isnt that risk worth it?

 

Just the chance of being happy is that not worth it?

 

I dont have the answers and i may never but sometimes hope is all that is left and that is what some must hold onto. Im not saying im going to build my life around getting her back, I was happy before her so i will be happy again but it would be great if she came home again......

 

Listen...I see I'm gonna have to go ghetto on you. Take from a homegirl...YOU ARE IN DEEP S**T DENIAL. And whether you want to see it or not that's what every pathetic sentence you wrote about this 'gf who's not your girlfriend but sleeping with another guy' conveys. You are not only in denial but bordering on obsession. Go ahead be a human doormat.

"How do i know if she isnt in pain too?" ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa WTF??!

Are you just masochistic or thick? If you were so sure about this LOVE you are in what are you doing seeking advise opinions...go out and buy the girl an engagement ring ....ooops I'm sorry you did that didn't you. People hear are trying to help you and giving it to you straight so you no longer continue to be her a**wipe!

[Ruff Ryder]

I can see exacty what you are saying no problem. Sure she is with someone else but some people deal with things diffrently i cant defent her action because i dont know there cause. But if i was with someone else it would be because i dont want to be alone.

 

I know im probly WAY of the mark here and i know things are over with us and hey i know i can live with that (i dont want to but i just have to)

 

So as far as dinale goes no im not in it i know its over and that is all nothing i can do about it.

 

As far as love goes it was there and may still be there but again i cant go one living a dream sometimes you have to face facts. As hard as they may be.

 

As far as she goes well not in my controll but sometimes its nice to think maybe just maybe it will happen.

 

As far as help goes this site and its people have been great and so helpfull and supportive and just awsome but sometimes all hope is not lost.

 

Thanks to you for your help you opened my eyes to things i may have not seen.

 

Have a good one and thanks again...

[In Sync]

goes this site and its people have been great and so helpfull and supportive and just awsome but sometimes all hope is not lost.

 

Thanks to you for your help you opened my eyes to things i may have not seen.

 

Have a good one and thanks again...

 

Your welcome...and I expect no less from you when I go through one of my many phases of wanting to break NC. I don't want to walk away with an inkling of thinking I gotta chance with the person who represents pain for me.

I'm not a that he was a nice guy stage. I need reality slaps and I know when I get weak andd go into denials I can do one of two things, contact him or hear the advice of anyone of you out hear that will be supportive..even if that support is harsh. Best of Luck to you.

[Ruff Ryder]

I think one must hold on to their belifs and their goals and what they expect from life. Its hard because then you get the people like the EX who come along and thow a spanner in the works wierd how life goes.

 

I know the urge is always there just to call and hear the voice of the ONE (well at least at some stage you thought it was the one) But stay true to you and you alone.

 

I have lernt that you are happy in youself and no one can really make you happy.....

 

So stay with what you belive will work best for you.

 

Rock on your awsome

 

Ruff

[Zetter]

Ruff, I know exactly where you are because I'm working through that stage too. The hoping she'll come back and you could forgive her and everything would be fine again stage. I'm married to a woman who left me to find herself, and she found herself with someone else (my ex-friend, no doubt) a week after she moved out to "separate for a month or so." I keep telling myself that I'm moving on while secretly (or not so) hoping that she will come to her senses. She used me for financial and emotional security for the past few months, and it sucks to think that you are being used by someone who you care about so much.

 

You and I both know the right things to do, but that doesn't mean we will believe them 100% and carry them out without thinking about ulterior motives. I got some great advice on this site to try to get in the mindset that you are moving on and if things work out for you and her, then great, and if not you are setting yourself up to heal and move on. It is very difficult to quit thinking about said person, and you almost feel like you are quitting on her. But I also read that most women are "out" of a relationship emotionally long before they physically walk out. That makes them coming back to you a bit of a trick, one that doesn't have a good history of being performed successfully. Over the next weeks and months the amount of hope that you hold onto for her coming back will slowly diminish, and with it you will find that hope for you being whole again with somene new will have an inverse trend, gaining momentum by the day.

 

Don't try to be all happy right now, because you aren't supposed to be. Don't go around moping for too long, either. See this as an opportunity to learn about what happened, what worked for you and her and what didn't, what you did right and wrong, and figure out what kind of person you need to be with for it to work and be unbelievable next time you get engaged and eventually married. I did plenty wrong with my marriage, and while it was too late to redo everything, even though I tried, I learned so much about what I can do to not make the same mistakes over and over. The only failure here would be if you didn't learn from this and apply it in the future. Do me a favor, and go buy a book called "Keeping the Love you Find." It isn't about getting your girl back - it is about finding out what you need and what type of person fits your custom designed profile. It will also help you sort some things out with your past relationship in terms of coming to grips with what happened.

 

And to steal a quote from a great movie, "That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it f%@#ing hurts, but it's sort of all we have."

[Ruff Ryder]

100% correct. I feel your pain to wilst i was not maried to the girl it still hurts. The one thing that i can be thankfull for is the fact that in 3 months we would have been maried and so im glad that this happened now and not after we were married.

 

Its crazy to think that i was going to spend the rest of my life with this girl and then you wake up alone and hurt.

 

Not to sure were to place myself. Some days i dont really think of her but when i do OUCH in all sinks in again.

 

I know were you are coming from and im sorry about your situwation and i do hope that you will find happiness again soon. I know the pain is a killer and that sometimes all you can do is hurt but that is part of the healing process (i think) just never look back in regret always look foward with hope.

 

I know the sun will shine again and the rain will go away its just a case of time.

 

I hate not being in controll of my situwation so maybe the best course of action is to let go forgive and forget.

 

Thanks for the feed back.

 

Have a good one....

[Painwraith]

I know this situation and have been through it.

 

I still get pangs now after two months ago when she dropped me like a sack of spuds for some new bloke.

 

but I also look back at the month and a half she strung me along, staying over mine, cuddling me and telling me that she was deciding whether or not to reconcile before jumping in the sack with the first looser that comes along that piques her interest and I hate myself for being a doormat.

 

Now I can take the moral high ground, I have analysed what I did wrong in our relationship and have hopefully sorted myself out. oh yes I still love her and probably always will do in some form or another, but now I look on her with pity because she is a lost soul and there is nothing I can do to help her, I tried.

 

In return for my efforts I got abuse and used. she will do it again to her new guy.. I on the otherhand can move forward in my life and be safe in the knowledge I am the better person and nobody will ever use me like that again.

 

Pain

[In Sync]

I know this situation and have been through it.

 

I still get pangs now after two months ago when she dropped me like a sack of spuds for some new bloke.

 

but I also look back at the month and a half she strung me along, staying over mine, cuddling me and telling me that she was deciding whether or not to reconcile before jumping in the sack with the first looser that comes along that piques her interest and I hate myself for being a doormat.

 

Now I can take the moral high ground, I have analysed what I did wrong in our relationship and have hopefully sorted myself out. oh yes I still love her and probably always will do in some form or another, but now I look on her with pity because she is a lost soul and there is nothing I can do to help her, I tried.

 

In return for my efforts I got abuse and used. she will do it again to her new guy.. I on the otherhand can move forward in my life and be safe in the knowledge I am the better person and nobody will ever use me like that again.

 

Pain

 

This is addressed To: All of YOU out there who hold love for these phenomenal gf's that threated you like doormats.

When you fall in love again (..and without a single doubt, you will)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come back here and write about all that love that you

still have for the ex, who treated you like crap. I really want to see how that works because I'm pretty much sure when you meet the right woman deserving of you...that love you're holding onto will disappear like a cheap lipstick on a pig.

[Painwraith]

You are probably right but there is always a small tiny place in the heart for all my previous loves, not to say its something new girlfriends should worry about.

 

We will all be fine

[Ruff Ryder]

I agree, The way that i see it is after so much love and pain its nit just a case of let go and youll never feel for them again i think we will always have a soft spot for the ones that hurt you. The reason it hurts is because of love "pain is love"

 

So yes it will always be a soft spot and yes i think you will always have feelings for them. But that doesnt mean that they are No.1 in your life and yes you can love someone else.

 

Big up you all

[In Sync]

I agree, The way that i see it is after so much love and pain its nit just a case of let go and youll never feel for them again i think we will always have a soft spot for the ones that hurt you. The reason it hurts is because of love "pain is love"

 

So yes it will always be a soft spot and yes i think you will always have feelings for them. But that doesnt mean that they are No.1 in your life and yes you can love someone else.

 

Big up you all

 

Look, the new year is approaching. This woman you were going to marry did you wrong. Period. STOP putting a pretty frame around this mess. Now if you two had ended and broken your engagement respectfully for one another coming from both parties sure it would hurt, I could see all this warmth for her because you two ended it like mature adults. But this one d**ked you over. Still is, and the other guy she is with.

The new year is approaching...brush this off like dust. I bet you (and you seem like a nice looking guy) I bet you there's a nice girl around you, right underneathe your nose who'd be more than thrilled if you gave her a smile. For one moment take a look around and say hey, what are you doing for New Year's Eve? (now I'm not pushing have to have a rebound..but I am saying look around and give some nice girl who you probably think doesn't measure up to the "wonderful ex-gf who is sleeping with another guy" a chance and maybe that girl will show you how thrilled she is to be with you. Beats sitting around crying over that slag and tripping down memory lane.

[Ruff Ryder]

I have a date tomorrow night in fact she is comming over for dinner. Look im no fool. I will never sit on my ass and wait for the EX to come back. If she is out having a blast then thats what ill be doing.

 

If by chance she comes back and im single then by all means ill work things out with her. However like i said i can play the game as well as most and alot better than some.

 

It doesnt ease the pain but who knows i might find my someone wils out there having fun.....