artistlover Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 1. When my BF and first started dating we put the porn issue out on the table. I didn't want any surprises like my last BF who was addicted to porn with dwarves, mannequins--and other stuff. so--to my relief it turns out he looks at it on occassion but hardly ever. same with me. 3 months pass and i keep noticing that whenever i check my email--porn comes up in the address bar. so i ask him about it and he says--he's a guy-- he looks at it twice a week. i get pissed b/c he lied to me. its more porn then i'm comfortable with so instead of trying to "change" him--i just say-well-this isn't what i want--and i get up to leave--but he comes after me and --says he doesn't like looking at it--that it makes him feel worse afterwards and that he thinks he should be thinking about us--i was like--geez, we've only been together 3 months--why wouldn't you be... but i feel a bit bad for him. things have been a bit rough--he has no job and is probably feeling very insecure... but i was hurt about the lie and i felt the trust slip away. i think he was embarrassed and i know that he is sweet. i don't think he was trying to hurt me. but the lie--that was hard to handle. onto issue 2. 2. so the trust is in question b/c of the lie and i looked at his profile on a site like friendster. there was a posting from this girl who is 17 (he's 23). i was surprised to see her b/c he said before me he was communicating with this girl--who he had online sex with--and that he was going to "close the door" with that. i thought that it was taken care of. she writes: my favorite part time friend. i miss you. contact me. your pictures is great. your art and writing are great. you are great. *big hug* i haven't said anything to him and i don't know if i should. i think its a problem that i looked at his profile b/c i felt distrustful and that is something i can't ignore. thoughts?
LN8840K Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Hey Chickita we are guys we look at porn its what we do and to put a restriction on him will lead to you feeling betrayed everytime ..thats just the way it is ! Issue 2 " that he was going to "close the door" with that. i thought that it was taken care of. " " she writes: my favorite part time friend. i miss you. contact me. " Sounds to me like thats what he did, closed the door on her. " you " need to stop being insecure before you self destruct
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 1. What he is doing is normal for him (nice touch on the guilt/feeling worse thing though, that is what allows him to keep getting away with it), and what you are experiencing is normal for you - you don't like porn, don't want it used and that is normal for you - since your 'normal' and his 'normal' don't match and unless one of you compromises your 'normal' the relationship is doomed. How to solve the problem? One of you has to sacrifice what is normal and acceptable for you, or you learn to compromise somehow so that you each get a little of what you want - without guilt or emotional blackmail. If you can't compromise, either he gives up porn completely or you give up your aversion to it. Either one of these will harbor resentment and anger, so think carefully before you make a move on this. 2. She said "I miss you" and "contact me" - sounds like he hasn't been contacting her. You can't control whether or not this girl contacts him. All you can do to control that on any level is to ask him to block her, but if he isn't contacting her then he may not see much of a reason to. Handle it carefully, no making demands or threats. Simply tell him what you saw and that it concerns you and that you are not comfortable with her contacting you. Keep it focused on that, not on how you came to see this information.
Author artistlover Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 ok--well--it sounds like he contacted her--i omitted the firts sentence b/c it had his name on it. and i didn't lok into his account--it was like a testimonial on the opening page of his profile which is public--he would have had to accept that posting.
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Hey Chickita we are guys we look at porn its what we do and to put a restriction on him will lead to you feeling betrayed everytime ..thats just the way it is ! I have to disagree with this Simply saying that this is what we do and you are wrong and that is just the way it is not the proper response to believe. Yes men look at porn .. but it isn't just the way it is. If she has a problem with him viewing porn then it isn't neccesarily only her problem.. I agree with LB that someone is going to have to sacrifice in order to let this problem go away.
LN8840K Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Disagree untill your hearts content ..... the only thing I would take back is trying to say all guys do it ..... If I looked at porn and you put a restriction on me then you would be unhappy ....... I might stop in time but it would be my own decision....... everyone on the board can say he should comprimise to work it out but whats her sacrifice .... its all about her, and her insecurity she should deal with it If you did not omit things from your post you could get a better answer, if the answers scare you, maybe you should stop asking scary questions " I have to disagree with this Simply saying that this is what we do and you are wrong and that is just the way it is not the proper response to believe. " why are these boards filled with " my boyfriend looks at porn and I'm hurt posts " whether you like to believe it or not that is " just the way it is "
Author artistlover Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 he guys--its not the porn that's the problem. it was the lie, ok? somethings i want to know up front so i have a clear idea of what it is that i am getting involved with--that way i can make a decision about what i'm comfortable with early on. simple.
LN8840K Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 But if Porn is not the problem then how can I argue with artcritic < evil grin > I understand lies are told to protect or conceal either way it's not so good perhaps you should decide if he has the morals you desire in a partner in my experience any lie is too many lies and just leads to more lies and the eventual sound of a toliet flushing as the relationship swirls in the bowl
Mary3 Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 You should know that both male and females look at porn. You should know that even if you are having sex twice a day , eithr partner can be viewing porn and getting aroused. Until you view it yourself , start with soft core, and see couples making love and move forward from there, you cannot possibly understand why he gets aroused. Now some people like farm animals and some people like bondage films. Some people like all kinds of things. We cannot get inside their heads to find out why they like what they do. But accept that he DOES like porn. It seems absurd to try to " Change " him. He will do it regardless of what you want. He will view porn behind your back. The point is : its not 1963 anymore. Porn is here to stay . Some find it offensive to women. I personally feel it depends on the film and whats going on but to say women are being demoralized and degrated is not quite the case. Then the men in the film are being degrated too ? ( I am not saying you used those exact terms or words I just think your issue is deeper than him viewing Porn. Its the trust issue and that is something you have with him or you don't.
Author artistlover Posted December 18, 2005 Author Posted December 18, 2005 well--thanks everyone. ummmmm for responding to a post i didn't submit. sounds like everyone has their own eager response to the typical porn debate tagt goes on around here. but--i was debating the porn. i'm not trying to change anyone. i NEVER want to change anyone. I want to accept him for who he is and if i can't move on. why is that so hard to get across. it's not the frequencey of viewing--it's the deception. i don't want to make him feel bad for viewing. but it's the lying. it makes me wonder whay else could have been misrepresented--is he hiding other things.... that's the point. so--yeah--that hits the nail on the trust thing, now.
Mary3 Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I still stand my previous response. Its far deeper than the Porn. Its the idea that he is lying to you. And you worry what else is he lying about ? You clearly do not trust him and your relationship is doomed. Because you need to back off and stop playing Spy. He feels all this off you and you are going to lose. He is lying about the frequency of seeing Porn because it bothers you. You have made him feel guilty and possibly a bit dirty for viewing it. Men are visual creatures and some need to get that type of stimulation. They also can get it anywhere they see girls and are drawn to the female form. Because your last bf was a Porn King you are taking your past into your future and making your man regret that he is viewing Porn. MANY many many men view porn. If I were you I would give him his privacy back and leave him alone about it. But you are snooping around and trying to find out all the dirty deeds. Clearly YOU are the problem. No trust = No Nothing
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