hurtandlonely Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I have been looking over a lot of posts on this site and have realized that venting really does help. Writing my emotions to people who don't know me and won't judge me for how I feel seems to really help. My boyfriend and I just broke up after a three month relationship. Things were great to a point but something was missing. He never wanted to hold me, tell me he cared and was very distant. He was married for 15 years and his wife left him for another man. I knew coming into the relationship how he was and I never thought I would be one of those women who needed that reassurance all the time but I caught myself constantly nit picking and starting arguments I guess in my head to see if he really cared. Our relationship was good and I know that we could have been together probably for a long time but I could have never been truly happy. I told him all I wanted was for him to tell me he cared and missed me when I was gone but he said that was too much for him and that he would do it in his own way and time and that he doesn't take orders. He is very stubborn and always had his way growing up and I know the way I put things to him sometimes made him feel like I was bossing him around. I know a lot of our problems came from me and I am not afraid to admit I was wrong on that one. I caught myself questioning him all the time, and I TRULY hated being that way. I hate having to feel like I can't trust someone. He never really gave me a reason to question him besides the fact that I felt like he wasn't trying. We talked well more like argued yesterday, he said he couldn't handle things the way they were and he really didn't want it to be over but he couldn't handle it. I kept telling him over and over that if he couldn't try any harder to just end it. Finally he did, well he said that he doesn't want it to be over but he couldn't be the man I wanted, that he tried but he just couldn't be who I wanted him to be. I cried and left, but the look on his face is stuck in my head. I don't know if he wanted me to tell him that he was who I wanted or if he was just hurt. I know I should just let it be over, and I am. We broke up once before because he said he couldn't handle things and then called me back three days later. We did get back together, things were good for a while but then just went right back to me feeling the way I did before. I know I will have to be strong, its just so hard because I know I could at least be in a good relationship with him, I know things would work if I could just find a way around this, but the truth is, I can't. So far he hasn't tried to call me, but we just broke up yesterday. I know his kids kind of pushed him to call me back before because they really like me and want me and him to be together. But for some reason I catch myself sitting at the phone and waiting for him to call and I really don't think he will but I can't shake it. Anyway, I know this is long, but thanks for reading.
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Welcome.. I'm sorry you are feeling down.. 2 breakups is a 3 month relationship is not a good sign.. Look at the breakups and fights as a crystal ball to what your future would have been like with him..The fights wouldn't have gone away..they would have just gotten worse. Take care.. post as much as you need
riobikini Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 This man loves you. Learn to bite your tongue at the first thought of making demands, then if you think what you wanted to say was reasonable and you think you can take the tone of DEMAND out of it, say what you think using softer words during a less intense moment. He's running from the tone of demand. He feels pressured. I know you want what every woman wants: you want to know EXACTLY where you are in the relationship. It's normal to want him to confirm his feelings and thoughts to you. You need that assurance. Your emotional side (where all the love you have for him emits from) longs to connect with HIS emotional side in WORDS of confirmation ....and it is screaming for it. But men seem retarded in this area....it alerts their automatic alarm system. They feel that, if they begin making statements, they will be held responsible for things they are saying that may lessen their independence as masculine, powerful leaders. They don't want to feel like 'wussies'.....and talking about feelings, making stated commitments (they believe) puts them in the catagory of a wuss. They feel as if they are cutting off and handing you their family jewels ....and without them where they belong, they are powerless. Talking to women about commitment issues (the 'where-are-we-in- this- relationship?' talk) is, for a man, similar to trying to use a language manual for the first time in a foreign country and get to the right hotel without mistakenly telling the cabdriver that he wanted to go to the church, instead. Once he finds he's at the church, by mistake, he panics because he realizes there's a wedding in progress there. And he still has to pay the taxi driver for the long ride AND explain to YOU he didn't really know what he was saying and that he didn't really MEAN to be HERE so SOON. (Smile) Again, this man appears to love you. Patiently, s-l-o-w-l-y help him to read the language manual. It takes alot of time. True love is patient. And ....P.S. By the way, outdoor weddings are nicer. -Rio
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 He never wanted to hold me, tell me he cared and was very distant. This is not love...I disagree with almost all of Rio's post.. Rio is blaming you for your bf's problems.. Your 3 month boyfriend is taking out his anger on you from losing his 15 year marriage to another . He has never dealt with it and you feel the full brunt of him withdrawing
Author hurtandlonely Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 I agree with art_critic about not being over his wife. They have been seperated a year and she filed for divorce, he has went and picked up the papers so he has well about two more weeks left before it is final. They had tried to work things out after they had split up once and had taken some pictures together which I found that he still has. He swears up and down he doesn't love her anymore and they don' talk except for the kids but I know him and I know even if he did still love her he would never admit it. He doesn't share his emotions and he definitely wouldn't admit when he has been hurt. That is why I was so surprised when he called me back after we broke up the first time. Nevertheless, I know deep down this is for the best its just so hard because I WANT so bad for him to be the one for me because there is a different feeling I have for him that I have had for anyone else.
riobikini Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Mem know men better. That's one of the resons this forum works. Thank you, ArtCritic for a better perspective on this. It is appreciated by myself, as well as, HurtandLonely, I am sure. Take Care. -Rio
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