smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I have dated a man that was divorced/had a child and it turned out horrible. Now....I have this in my head to stay away from a man that has been married and has kids. I know this is a bad view, but I want a man who is in the same chapter of life as I am. Is that so bad? Is it unrealistic? I am almost 30 and I know that it is a long shot to find a single-childless man(although I know they are out there becasue I know some) but that is what I want. I want to marry a man who has not gone thru all of the things that I am looking fwd to doing... I do not eevn date anyonoe who tells me they have been married before and I wonder if this is a mistake...
RecordProducer Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 It's extremely important to recognize your needs and set the proper criteria for a partner. There is no stupid criteria as long as it means that you would be unhappy otherwise. Regarding men with children, I wanted a man with no kids too. People told me "But YOU have two children yourself!" Yes, I do, but I wanted a man without children. I also wanted to find a man who was okay with a woman who has kids, because my previous boyfriend was not a kid person and didn't know how to handle them. When I was 23 I married a guy with a little child (her mom was dead) and I had to live with her. We basically divorced because of her. That's when I decided to never marry another man with children even if I have them. Anyway, the epilogue is: I married a guy with no kids who adores mine and they adore him!
curiousnycgirl Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 No it is not awful at all. We all have our specific requirements/things we look for in someone. It is best to know what yours are so that you don't waste your time, or anyone else's. Having said that some people may tell you it's not a good thing, since you are limiting your possibities. But that is your right! I don't know where you live, but I would be very surprised at your age that it would be that hard to find single/never been married men. I know that there was a cultural swing and people were getting married younger (than they did when I was your age) for a while but you are still quite young!
Author smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 It's extremely important to recognize your needs and set the proper criteria for a partner. There is no stupid criteria as long as it means that you would be unhappy otherwise. Regarding men with children, I wanted a man with no kids too. People told me "But YOU have two children yourself!" Yes, I do, but I wanted a man without children. I also wanted to find a man who was okay with a woman who has kids, because my previous boyfriend was not a kid person and didn't know how to handle them. When I was 23 I married a guy with a little child (her mom was dead) and I had to live with her. We basically divorced because of her. That's when I decided to never marry another man with children even if I have them. Anyway, the epilogue is: I married a guy with no kids who adores mine and they adore him! Thanks....It is nothing to do with the guys asking me out.It is not that they are not good people, but I just feel like this is what I want to be happy. And hell, I may be alone for a long time! The crazy part is....I had this idea before I met the ex and he was still married at the time and had a kid and somehow he reeled me in!
Author smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 No it is not awful at all. We all have our specific requirements/things we look for in someone. It is best to know what yours are so that you don't waste your time, or anyone else's. Having said that some people may tell you it's not a good thing, since you are limiting your possibities. But that is your right! I don't know where you live, but I would be very surprised at your age that it would be that hard to find single/never been married men. I know that there was a cultural swing and people were getting married younger (than they did when I was your age) for a while but you are still quite young! thanks...I feel kind of old! It is hard when all my friends are married and now having kids and that is all I have ever wanted. I would not trade my life for theirs-EVER, but I still wonder when it will happen for me. On that same note, a lot of my friends are divorced too, so I do not want to take that path either!
Outcast Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I want to marry a man who has not gone thru all of the things that I am looking fwd to doing.. I do think this is a mistake. 'Being married' isn't that big a deal that it needs to be experienced as though a virgin. In fact, someone who has been married will have more realistic expectations and probably will have realized what went wrong in his earlier relationship to know not to make the same mistakes.
Author smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 I do think this is a mistake. 'Being married' isn't that big a deal that it needs to be experienced as though a virgin. In fact, someone who has been married will have more realistic expectations and probably will have realized what went wrong in his earlier relationship to know not to make the same mistakes. I have to disagree. I want to go thru all of it together. I donot want to be a second wife, or be with someone who has already bought thier 1st home together, already exp childbirth together. It would mean nothing the 2nd time around.
Outcast Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 It would mean nothing the 2nd time around. You are saying that from the perspective of someone who doesn't know because she hasn't done it. I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who does know. It's new and different and wonderful every time. Will you never again eat a piece of chocolate cake or enjoy it because you'd had one? Can you never enjoy sex again because you've had it once? Humans are constructed to forget both pain and pleasure so the experience is new over and over again. Otherwise we'd eat once, have sex once, and die.
Author smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 You are saying that from the perspective of someone who doesn't know because she hasn't done it. I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who does know. It's new and different and wonderful every time. Will you never again eat a piece of chocolate cake or enjoy it because you'd had one? Can you never enjoy sex again because you've had it once? Humans are constructed to forget both pain and pleasure so the experience is new over and over again. Otherwise we'd eat once, have sex once, and die. So if yuo had a child with your first wife and then one with the second, it would be just as exciting? Same for the wedding?
Woggle Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 You are not even 30 yet so it would be very easy to find a single with no kids. You have your standards and that is your right.
Touche Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 So if yuo had a child with your first wife and then one with the second, it would be just as exciting? Same for the wedding? A lot of people (including my husband and I) are of the opinion that the second time around was even BETTER!
Author smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 You are not even 30 yet so it would be very easy to find a single with no kids. You have your standards and that is your right. Thanks..Not sure if it is society or just my friends and family but they make me feel like my life is over if I am not married soon! I hate it!
Author smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 A lot of people (including my husband and I) are of the opinion that the second time around was even BETTER! But it sounds like you both were married before. I would not mind so much if we both had a little baggage.
Woggle Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Thanks..Not sure if it is society or just my friends and family but they make me feel like my life is over if I am not married soon! I hate it! Tell them where to stick it. I am about to marry a 41 year old woman and this is her first marriage. There is no age limit on marriage. Marry when you truly find a man you love not becaus eof what society says.
Author smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 Tell them where to stick it. I am about to marry a 41 year old woman and this is her first marriage. There is no age limit on marriage. Marry when you truly find a man you love not becaus eof what society says. that is great! My grandfather just married a woman who is 73 and never married! Hopefully, i will not have to wait THAT long! Thanks Woggle!
loony Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 But it sounds like you both were married before. I would not mind so much if we both had a little baggage. I don't really followed all your threads, but I know your story roughly and I sincerely doubt that you have little baggage. Marriage won't be a solution if you haven't solved your personal problems before. Neediness won't stop just because you wear a ring and have kids. I panic once in a while, too, actually, I worry quite a lot about marriage and family, but I try to remind myself that life is what you make out of it and life is not about following social conventions or people's expectations. There are some limitations, true, and I'm also slightly pissed off with nature that gave women a biological clock, but if they manage to get a 60 year old woman pregnant, then not all is lost. (Ok, we all know that is not what we want, but I guess you got my point. )
Author smile95 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 Well, maybe baggage was the wrong word. I consider bagagge -kids and an ex wife/husband. All I have is a dog! This is a little off topic, but is there a cut off age to have kids and still be healthy. I have in my head that 35 is when it starts to get ify?
loony Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 This is a little off topic, but is there a cut off age to have kids and still be healthy. I have in my head that 35 is when it starts to get ify? I think so. After that there is an increased risk for the children to have down syndrome. If you just want to take the rational approach, then you can detect this by taking an early test. I heard they developed new tests that would allow it to detect this syndrome at a very earlier age. For other people the ethical dilemma of this approach makes them hesitant to delay family planning to such an advanced age.
Neptune Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Where have you women been? You got to be kidding. All the women out there today having children in there late thirties and early forties! Hell, a guy like me can barely have sex with a woman under 50 and have to watch his step they don`t get knocked up:eek:
Outcast Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Where have you women been? You got to be kidding. All the women out there today having children in there late thirties and early forties! Hell, a guy like me can barely have sex with a woman under 50 and have to watch his step they don`t get knocked up However the medical fact remains that there is less risk of problems for both mother and baby if the children are born before the mother is in her late thirties. I'm thinking women heading for 30 and childless might consider freezing their eggs. The risks to the fetus are that the woman is born with all her eggs and as they age they become less viable. Freezing the 'younger' eggs for use later should pose less risk of problems. So if yuo had a child with your first wife and then one with the second, it would be just as exciting? Same for the wedding? Of course. And, actually, the second time around you know what to expect so the fear/nerves don't stand in the way of you *really* enjoying it.
sparticuss Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I can think of one thing worse than refusng to date a divorced man. Divorced men are in such an emotional mess that one in thirteen suicides within a year of divorce. For comparison consider that less that one in a thousand rape victims is traumatised enough to suicide. One thing far worse is to genuinely expect these men to just "snap out of it", and I've heard many many women use that expression too. Nearly as bad as the words "I understand." You are doing right to avoid divorced men for any sort of serious relaitonship. Casual, is fine, serious, is not.
Woggle Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I can think of one thing worse than refusng to date a divorced man. Divorced men are in such an emotional mess that one in thirteen suicides within a year of divorce. For comparison consider that less that one in a thousand rape victims is traumatised enough to suicide. One thing far worse is to genuinely expect these men to just "snap out of it", and I've heard many many women use that expression too. Nearly as bad as the words "I understand." You are doing right to avoid divorced men for any sort of serious relaitonship. Casual, is fine, serious, is not. This is not true. I am divorced and I am as happy as can be right now. I became a huge success career wise and money wise after my divorce and even when my ex wanted me back I decided I was better off without her. Life is what you make and more divorced men need to realize that you should fall apart because your wife leaves you. My divorce was a blessing in disguise.
Outcast Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 You are doing right to avoid divorced men for any sort of serious relaitonship. Casual, is fine, serious, is not. Oh for goodness' sakes! Please cite your statistics. People divorce for many many reasons and a lot of those reasons are perfectly valid. Doesn't mean that all divorced people are 'spoiled goods' .
Woggle Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I would say to men never get involved with a woman who left her husband for any reason other than divorce or infidelity.
Outcast Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 I would say to men never get involved with a woman who left her husband for any reason other than divorce or infidelity. So a woman should stay married if she's being abused? What about a husband who's a chronic gambler who's lost all the family money and won't quit? What about alcoholics and drug users? What about the many men who hide serious flaws until after the marriage? It's never a very smart idea to try to live by black-and-white type rules. Each situation should be assessed separately.
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