susanl Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 A summary of things--been going out with this guy for two years, a while back I met up with a guy and went to dinner with him, talked with him on the internet then broke it off. About 3 weeks ago, arguement with boyfriend, went out with someone else, dinner, tv , talking on the internet. At no time was sex involved. I realize this is cheating, and of course I can rationalize why I did this--yes I know it was wrong. Here is the problem, I was in the hospital for two weeks, boyfriend comes over to my house to get somethings for me and while he was here turns on the computer. Sees names on messenger that he doesn't recognize starts a conversation with these guys as if he were me--goes through my emails , copies them and deletes them---all these conversations were just chit chat. Well he talks to these guys and as he pretends to be me asks very private questions and guys responds as if I had sex with them. Very nasty, dirty conversations--things I would never think of doing--and boyfriend knows it. So he asks me about this and I lie--I shouldn't have but did. I finally come clean about everything but he still believes these guys about the sex--no I didn't have sex. He wants me to call these guys--which I have nothing to do with anymore and ask them if we had sex while he is listening. I won't stoop to that level --I know I didn't do it, and he should also. I want nothing more to do with these guys. ANyhow he asked me again last night to confront them I said no and he said just tell me the truth--if you had sex tell me or call them--I said I didn't have sex and won't call them--so he said bye. Part of me is so upset, crushed, hurt--and part of me thinks this would have never worked because he would never trust me--even if he said he did. So what do you think--what should I do??
sundrop Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 First of all, If nothing happened you should have come clean with him from the beggining and told him the truth. Now you told him a lie to cover up a lie, so he is going to doubt whatever the answer you gave him. .... To be honest with you. You need to decide what you want. It sounds like to me something is missing in your relationship. Because, if it was good and fulfilling you wouldn't be seeeking out other people and going to dinner with other people... IF he chooses to forgive you it will probably be a while, and a long journey to travel..... So you really ned to look at it and see if this relationship is something YOU want to work on......
Walk Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I won't stoop to that level --I know I didn't do it, and he should also. I want nothing more to do with these guys. ANyhow he asked me again last night to confront them I said no and he said just tell me the truth--if you had sex tell me or call them--I said I didn't have sex and won't call them--so he said bye. I understand you're probably feeling hurt that your bf wouldn't take your word, and a little indignent about calling the guys. But he was asking you to Prove you hadn't done anything. And he took your refusal as an admisison to guilt. You'd already lied, so he couldn't believe the rest of what you said. And because the majority of other people who have dates with other men while in a relationship do have sex with them. The facts are against you. I think, if you want your bf back... ask these men to call your bf. Or email him. or instant messanger. Something. Basically, I think you need to go out of your way to prove, although you strayed some, that you didn't sleep with these men. You broke the trust the two of you had. It's your responsibility to rebuild it. It's not his to blindly believe all you say. I would have a terrible time believing my bf if he said he only had "dinner" with other women. The trust is broken at that point. And then you lied about it. (which I understand your position, but still broke the trust even more.) All I'm saying is, it's not your bf's job to rebuild the trust. It was yours. You refused to do something that may have eased him mind, and helped him to heal. (It wouldn't have fixed the problem though) And you need to re-evaluate what drove you to have dinners with, and keep in contact with these men. It doesn't sound as if you were all that happy with your bf on a whole. You're probably wanting your bf back right now, but you might want to take some time and take a good look at you and your relationship. Is it something you wish to repair because it was a good relationship. Or were you looking for more in a relationship, and that is partly what drove you to have dinners with these men. This may be for the best, the break up. But you really need to do some deep searching to find out what you felt was lacking. Most people don't set up dinners and nights out with men over a fight or two. So it leads me to believe there may have been more wrong with your relationship then you're willing to look at.
brashgal Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I think Sundrop pretty much laid it out for you, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was to read your post. I felt in reading your earlier posts that your situation was similar to my own (divorce circumstances, etc) - you gave me hope for my own love life. I think this goes to show that it takes awhile to really get to know someone and it isn't easy to find someone who meets your needs. AND, it's hard to know if the relationship just needs work or if it has run its course and you should move on. *sigh* Hugs Susan - remember that everything works out for the best, I know you'll find your way once you decide what you want.
Author susanl Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 I guess I understand what everyone is saying--but if you could have read what these people had said about me and what we did--you would know it wasn't me. I know I have to rebuild the trust, but this is hard after two years and then all of the sudden its over. I wanted this to work so much--how can someone just turn their back on you. I know like you said, things always work out for the best but this one is hard to see. I made a mistake, I know that--I just thought I had found the perfect guy.
Walk Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I know like you said, things always work out for the best but this one is hard to see. I made a mistake, I know that--I just thought I had found the perfect guy. If he was perfect, though, then why were you out on "dates" with other men? I'm just saying that I don't think your seeing the whole picture. Because he broke up with you, you're looking at the relationship through grandious eyes. Take a step back and figure out why, more then you had a fight, were you going out with other guys?
seachange Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 If he was perfect, though, then why were you out on "dates" with other men? I'm just saying that I don't think your seeing the whole picture. Because he broke up with you, you're looking at the relationship through grandious eyes. Take a step back and figure out why, more then you had a fight, were you going out with other guys? Yes, I agree with Walk - I think this is the most important question, too. susanl, I went back and read some of your most recent posts about your relationship - seems you've been feeling like he's taking you for granted...in fact, your most recent post about that was about 3 weeks ago, which I guess roughly coincides with this latest dinner date? It seems to me like this is a cry for attention, or at least a way to feel like you need his attention/approval less. Why didn't you feel like you could talk about that with him? From reading your posts, I had the impression that maybe you felt like you had tried talking in the past, to no avail - and meanwhile, it seemed at times that he felt neglected too... ...it's hard to say what's really going on between you but a communication breakdown in terms of your duelling relationship needs seems pretty central, and that's something to which you've both probably contributed. So, I think it would probably help you first to think about what exactly those needs are: in other words, why your reaction to feeling ignored/taken for granted was to set up external dates. It sounds like underneath it all, you actually had no intention of really starting anything with anybody else, but were anxiously looking for some sort of external affirmation. And that's something to think about.
NYCmitch25 Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 This guy purposely acted out his suspisions and violated your trust by raiding your computer and having conversations with all these men. I don't condone this at all as I see it as unethical. However, the other side of this is that you *were* being disengenous with him by going out with other guys and seeking relationships on the Internet. Seems strange that you try to sabotage good relationships for little apparent gain? What do you think about him (your soon to be ex) pressuring you about calling these guys, also do you think he's really just blowing this way out of proportion? Also do you know why you were hanging out with these other guys?
Author susanl Posted December 18, 2005 Author Posted December 18, 2005 This guy purposely acted out his suspisions and violated your trust by raiding your computer and having conversations with all these men. I don't condone this at all as I see it as unethical. However, the other side of this is that you *were* being disengenous with him by going out with other guys and seeking relationships on the Internet. Seems strange that you try to sabotage good relationships for little apparent gain? What do you think about him (your soon to be ex) pressuring you about calling these guys, also do you think he's really just blowing this way out of proportion? Also do you know why you were hanging out with these other guys? I wasn't trying to sabatoge a good relationship--he had told me to go out if i wanted to but not out of spite. The one right thing you have said is he was wrong with the computer thing--very wrong--but that does not condone what I did. I realize that. After reading what these guys said about me and it being 150% wrong--there is no way ever that I would call them because what stops them from lying further--and also--if you knew me--I would never do those things. I really can't answer the question if he is blowing this out of proportion because I would love to go forward--everything is out in the open--you know forgive and forget or at least go forward--we are both very unhappy with out each other. Unfortunately, he can't do that. Even when I saw him this morning--he checked the computer (in front of me), asked me things etc. I know I have to earn his trust back. As to why I was hanging out with the other guys--that is a tough one but I think it was what every one has said to gain some exceptence--to realize I could do this--but then realized I didn't want it at all. Please don't get me wrong--I am not saying everything is rosy right now--and I am not sure this will work. As I told him this morning--I don't mind both of us trying to gain the trust back--but he said --every time I see you I think about those other guys and what they said--so really does anyone think this is going to work--or am I just hittting my head on a brick wall. I can't think of life with out him--he is everything to me--but I feel if he cant' have a relationship with me I would rather find out sooner than later. I don't want to be strung along to be dropped later when he feels like he can't do it anymore.
NYCmitch25 Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 You weren't trying to sabotage a good relationship but you *did*, and you don't know why. You act strangely by doing this, you feel this guy has "problems" and you purposely try to get him angry at you. You have no empathy and you exibit many of the signs of someone who has an anxiety disorder.. It seems that the problem with this relationship are chiefly comming from you dispite his inappropiate reactions...
Author susanl Posted December 20, 2005 Author Posted December 20, 2005 Wow, you are right not a very nice post at all. I am sure you have done nothing wrong in life that you are sorry for or was a mistake. Unlike me --no I was not trying to sabatoge this relationship--he told me to go out and I did, I have apologized--yes I did make a mistake--but as the ole saying goes--he who has no sins can throw the last stone--something like that. I figure no one is perfect and there is a time to forgive and forget and gain trust back
NYCmitch25 Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Wow, you are right not a very nice post at all. I am sure you have done nothing wrong in life that you are sorry for or was a mistake. Unlike me --no I was not trying to sabatoge this relationship--he told me to go out and I did, I have apologized--yes I did make a mistake--but as the ole saying goes--he who has no sins can throw the last stone--something like that. I figure no one is perfect and there is a time to forgive and forget and gain trust back Sorry, I need to lighten up! I've done a lot of wrong, I think the shallowest relationship things I done was dumping a perfectly nice girl just because she went away to college for another "prettier" girl. I asked you some specific questions in a certian way to get truthful answers out of you and they weren't answered all that well. I don't know you, and it could have just been a mistake but it seemed more like you purposely created drama and I'm trying to get you to think about why you did it. Maybe you were trying to just make him jealous on purpose because you are young or something or maybe you don't even know that you were trying to do this (i.e. subconciously did it)? So it's not a big deal, and he'll get over it, and you'll be best served by just telling him the truth, "I was trying to get your attention and get you jealous a little, I'm sorry, forgive me, I love you!"... ps. what were you in the hospital for ?
Greg25 Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 I guess the problem with any form of 'cheating', sexual or not, is it very badly undermines the trust between two people, which is so critical to maintaining a relationship. Imagine for a second that your roles in the relationship are reversed, and your b/f is in your shoes, and you are in his. How would you feel if your b/f was doing to you, what you have been doing to him? Certainly if my g/f was spending a lot of her time showing romantic affection to other men, even if no sex is involved, my view would be the days of our relationship would be numbered. Getting involved with other men (or women) is quite often a sign a relationship is faltering or dying, and the 'cheater' is trying to address certain emotional or intimacy needs which aren't satisfied by the relationship. In the end though it depends on whether or not both of you are willing to make the relationship work. The very definition of 'cheating' varies from relationship to relationship, and you need to be clear with your b/f about your behaviour, what you have done, and what you want from the relationship, as he needs to be open to you.
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