Female Libido

[jondoe6]

Basically, lately i've been having a few problems with my girl. She just doesn't seem to want to have sex. When we do it's almost like it's just for me and it's pity sex or something. I've been seeing her for 7 months now and i spend a lot of time with her; i love her and i know she loves me. She also isnt' the type to cheat. She tells me how hot I am and that i turn her on, but she never makes sexual advances, EVER. I am the only one to initate sex. She does work a lot between being a highschool teacher and working twice a week at starbucks. Before this i was an animal and slept with many random girls frequently... i loved being pursued and having girls just want to jump me (not to toot my own horn or anything).. She tells me that she just isn't the type to be the sexual aggressor and she never has been, i can almost accept this but, It's like this, i go over for a sleepover on thurs night, and she says she's to tired to fool around, fine, she says she wants to fool around when she's off work in the afternoon, she gets home and says she wants to take a nap first.. fine, well her nap goes late and we have to go to my house for a family dinner... we are lying in bed after dinner with nobody home and she says she doesn't want to beacuse she's full.. at this point i'm very upset quetioning a lot of things.... i go to work and sleep over at her place friday night, sat morn, she wants to cuddle and not have sex, though there is an hour and half before she goes to work at starbucks... i suggest we have a shower together to try to get something going and it ends up me going "solo" in the shower, which she is aware of and isnt' mad or anything but doens't want to join in. Between this, her constant "i'm tired, not feeling well, etc exuces, and her never being the one to initate, and my final exams, i am at a loss for things to do... I dont know if shes stressed, or it's the BC pill, or what. I dont ask for much but sex 1-2x/week isn't up my ally.... I do believe she is attracted to me, and i do believe she loves me and I spend enough time with her to know what if anything else is going on in her life, i just dont know what to do.... She tells me i'm the hottest guy she's ever been with but ****SIGH****.... i dunno, im at a loss here... all i know is when i jump in the shower with her, its all i can do to run my hands over her body and its all she can do to just to hand me the soap.. i'm just very fustrated. And this morning, this might sound bad but she was like, istayed in bed an extra 30 mins to cuddle with you, i mean thats great, im lying there with morning wood and all she wants to do is cuddle... we used to have a ton of sex in the am cause i'd get home from work late, but now we never have sex in the morning... I've done various things that others have suggested to try and correct this situation. I have asked her to talk to her doctor about her b/c pill, she hans't yet. I have asked her to get another blood test to find out why she gets headaches and is tired all the time, she hasn't yet. I bought her sexy lengerie (not slutty or anything) to try and make her feel sexy and i tell her all the time how beautiful she is and stuff to try to address any self-image issues (which she really doesn't have other than usuall female stuff). I've switched up my bedroom action and go down on her and get her to orgasm first before we have intercourse (which she loves, but it hasn't increased the sex frequency). I also bought her a 'pocket rocket' personal vibrator. I hope i dind't go making myself Obsolete or anything, i was thinking that since she doesn't have a detachable shower head in her new place, somethign that can give her an orgasm in 3 mins might help jump her sex drive. Then the masturbation thing. Yesterday i said dont use your vibrator while i'm at the gym, wait and we'll play with it together at night, and sure enough, ****ing while i'm at the gym she's playing with it, and yup you guessed it, i sure didn't have sex after the gym or after the family dinner after the gym, or this morning! BUt hey we had extra cuddle time, it was fantastic. (sorry, had to get that out) and my gf when i called her on it when i got back from the gym was like, well you do it all the time (masturbate) and i wanted to explode and say well thats cause you're not putting out enough, instead all i said was 'well my masturbation never puts me off or replaces having sex with you).

 

I guess it's just a negative feedback loop, she wont initiate sex or seek it or even go as far as make any comments to advance it, and when i do and she shuts me down i am in a bad mood, it makes me feel like ****, it makes me feel like im doing something wrong, like i'm not attractive enough for her, like she'd rather be elsewhere with someone else etc, however untrue these things may be, they still course through my mind; so when we do have sex i'm finding it less enjoyable now. I can tell this furstrates her too and she says she hates me making her feel guilty for not having sex with me. Which i dont do but hey, my bad mood after being rejected isn't really concealible.

 

 

I m not about to cheat on her cause i love her and i see a future for us but this really depresses me.....she also says that a lot of times that just cuddling with me or lying next to me is enough for her to feel close to me; but then all that goes through my head is there is something i'm not doing, something about me she doesn't like; something she isn't telling me or that she isn't satisfied or something... and if thats the case i cant help but question if she's going to leave me or cheat on me or what.... i just cant help but think of something i read that says physologically women cheat out of desire and emotional shortcomings...

 

 

Things were like this all oct/nov then they seemed to get better for a week or two and now i cant help but feel that little has changed. I love this girl, but i dont want a sexless relationship. I feel sex is incredibly important and i am just at a loss here folks.

[flamingjune]

Hi Jon,

 

Just a note: please use paragraph breaks in your post. It'll make it easier for members to read and post about your issue.

 

On to the matter at hand. Sorry about your frustration. It sounds like you've tried a lot of different things to encourage a more active sex life with her, what with being affectionate and giving sexy little presents. Kudos on your patience and loyalty. Have you actually discussed this with her, that you're feeling sexually frustrated/neglected? It's one thing to initiate or request sex, and then be disappointed or be in a bad mood when you're rejected.

 

It's an entirely different thing to have an open conversation about how your needs aren't being met. Is she aware of how you've been feeling about this? If you haven't brought it up directly, you might want to try and approach her calmly and without attacking. Discuss it when you're both calm and in a good mood, on neutral ground, and NOT when you're wanting sex. Otherwise your frustration will come out negatively and she'll get defensive.

 

You've been dating for 7 months -- at what point did the frequency drop? It's pretty normal for sexual frequency to taper off after the honeymoon flush of the first 3 months wears off. It could be that she's genuinely tired from work, but based on your description it sounds like she's actively avoiding it.

 

You haven't mentioned any feedback form her other than she's tired, or not feeling well, or just wants to cuddle. Stress and fatigue, especially stress, can negatively affect one's libido. When I'm really anxious or worried about something sex becomes a low priority. For some people it might work in the opposite direction. She might have some problems that you don't know about. Does she seem depressed? Depression can manifest itself in constant fatigue, and a lower libido. It could also be her diet, is she a healthy eater? Outside of work, is she physically active? Regular exercise can really help with one's energy level, heighten sexual interest, and help make orgasms better/faster. Heh.

 

Although what you said, that lately she doesn't seem enthusiastic or it's "pity sex," is a worrying sign. Especially because it sounds like you’re putting more effort into meeting her intimacy needs than she is into meeting yours. It’s possible that there's something bothering her within the relationship, but she's not comfortable bringing it up for some reason. Hence, the passive-aggressive behavior. I've found that when something's wrong on an emotional level, it starts to affect the physical relationship negatively.

 

If however, there's nothing bothering her inside or outside the relationship, she may simply have a different level of sexual interest. If you're in your early twenties you're still going to be at your peak. How often are you trying to initiate sex with her? If say, you're wanting it 2x a day, and she only wants it 1-2x a week, try to meet each other halfway. To make this work for both of you, you need to negotiate. Bottom line is, you really need to talk to her about this since you can't read each other's minds. Let her know how this is affecting you and let her know what you're looking for. If you're honest with her without being angry or judgmental it might encourage her to open up. Good luck, I hope you work this out.

[jondoe6]

I have discussed this openly and seriously with her and she assures me that it is nothing to do with me; that she is totally attracted to me and that she loves having sex with me (most of the time, when we actually get down to it, the sex is Great!). She tells me this is really her and initating sex and being the aggressor isn't something she is capable of. She has also just recently mentioned that i'm not the first boyfriend who's complained about this..What else, she exercises 3-5x per week depending on her schedule, often times we go to the gym together, and she eats healthy.

 

However, I am definatly putting more effort into meeting her intimacy needs than she is into meeting yours. And it's not as if every little thing i do is directed towards the end result of having sex, i'm not 16 or anything. I do things like the lengerie and the toy and what not to make her feel good and to hopefully spark her interest. I would love to have sex 2x/day, i will settle for 5x/week, lately it has been 2-3x/week. When we first started goign out it was much more frequent, and it seems it started to taper around the month 5 marker, we are now at month 7.

 

I love her but this is something that yes I can humor with a bit of time, but eventually it will cause a breaking point for myself. A sexless/low sex marriage/life isn't something i can deal with.

 

You know i guess another thing is both our birthdays are coming up, and so is our xmas day celebration (23d as i go on a family vacation on the 24 for a week), i mean, if suddenly there is some "factor" on her part that makes her reject me, I will be crushed.

[Mary3]

You are not married to her right ?

 

Thank God .

 

I just see it as a warning sign because when I lost feelings for my bf I did NOT want to be intimate with him and I had no desire for him and avoided having sex.

 

Now of course , I have a high libido now that I am not with him anymore.

 

I would be cautious here.

 

She could just have a low sex drive. She could be BORED with you and the tedious and mundane act. You have done alot. Its not like you can buy her a new sex drive. Well, I take that back. They have medications that help with that ( I think )

 

Proceed with caution until you get the root of the matter.

[dudex]

hold off engagement--its only going to get worse-- couple times a week is pretty good - I used to get laid once a week but now its more like once every 5-6 weeks

your story is a broken record

wifey sometimes jokes that I should be gay to get laid everyday I said hell yeah if only I was attracted to men but IM not so is this my fate to be attracted to women who loose thier libido because the newness wears off or stress/work/blah blah .....shut the hell up

I could and have many times worked a 20hr day that was stressful and not good, and only had 3 hrs of sleep but still Id come home horny thinking of some wild stuff wifey tells me hoping she'd deliver but she was too tired from her normal 8hr day and went to sleep

hell it was her teasing language that would carry me through my 20 hour day with only 3 hrs of sleep. I hope their is a god or jesus cause when i die I want someone to goto to demand answers--i feel for you buddy sometimes this is just plain misery and suffering

[Outcast]

I just see it as a warning sign because when I lost feelings for my bf I did NOT want to be intimate with him and I had no desire for him and avoided having sex.

 

Yes but losing interest is only one of many, many reasons a woman would be in the state his gf is in.

[Mary3]

Very true. I would ask her to see her family doctor and let he/she advise from there. Could be alot of things.

But in a relationship , I like it everyday so I guess I have a high sex drive . She may like it occasionally. Hard to say...

[jondoe6]

Nobody else out there meet and overcome this problem? I think i've come to grips in my head that this is her issue and not mine. I do think that it's her low sex drive caused by factors other then her attractiveness to myself. (she constantly tells me how hot she thinks I am and that she wants to be with me forever and she couldn't be without me and stuff, also i dont pay for any of her bills or anything so she's not keeping me around for financial reasons) That being said I'll give you folks another example of my misery

Yesterday was supposed to be day for ourselves; now i wake up early after only 4-5hours of sleep ( i worked sat night ), and of course i'd like to fool around, as obviously engaging in that sort of activity when i get home from work at 4am is uttlerly out of the question. But alas the she doesn't feel in the mood in the am (ever). So I lie there with a massive hard on; she asks me not to jerk off and to save it for her for later. So i do. Long story short breakfast, x-mas tree, coffee, xmas movies in the afternoon, dinner with my folks then back at her house, 8pm. I have expressed my interest in going to the bedroom, she has expressed her interest in cuddling on the couch watching another xmas movie, i concede. End of xmas movie, i start to try to play with her through her clothes and make out with her, access denied. "i'd just like to rest my eyes for a bit". She goes to sleep, i watch tv (ironicly enough it was a TLC show about ignighting fire in the bedroom, that was depressing) An hour passes, I decide in my head that it really hurts my feelings to much to keep getting denied when i put myself out there; so i've decided not to whether it be dirty talk before bed or touching her or whatever. So we go to bed and i dont really cuddle with her and pretend i'm a happy guy. She asks me whats wrong, if it was because she fell asleep on me. I said no, blah blah balh. Of course all i wanted to say was "listen, the house is empty, you know i work monday nights and that you're working during the day tomorrow, we've already watched xmas movies today, it'd be just super if you could show the slightest bit of sexual interest in me whatsoever." Of course this may have led to pity sex which would have been horrible so i didn't say this. She fell asleep, i jerked off, lay awake serching for answers. I didn't make any sexual advances this am, and we had a shower together where i usually touch her, today i refrained.

 

-I'd like to blame in the b/c pill, but we had way more sex when we first started going out (first 3-4 months).....she said it's cause she felt like she was obligated too. She also said when she was in australia she took an elevated amount of b/c pill to avoid her peroid and had no sexual desire whatsoever, i dont know what to think

 

-For those of you wondering I have talked to her about this, she has assured me she'd try to be more sexual, initating sex and what not. (she also has a pap test coming up so she promises to speak with her doc about the b/c she's on and libido problems - she's on tri-cyclen right now.)

 

-i've decided I dont want to hear anymore Im feeling tired, feeling sick or whatever else and am not going to initate sex for a long while

 

-I really dont know what esle to do, This makes me very unhappy and if i'm not happy why would i stay in a situation that makes me that way?

 

***SIGH***

[slubberdegullion]

Just be thankful that you didn't discover this after you were married. Sometimes women don't understand that a refusal of sex to a man is not unlike telling a woman she's fat and unattractive. It hurts that much! But it seems that only women's feelings are important when it comes to intimacy.

 

bitter? hell ya..!

[Walk]

Okay... I'm a woman, and I'm gonna give my opinion on this.

 

My bf and I had a lot of problems with this in the past. Hit around the 5 month mark, I think. Anyway. To me, it doesn't sound like the two of you are going to be able to work this out. For one, she isn't showing ANY desire to compromise with you. All cop-outs and excuses. She doesn't feel comfortable initiating, she's tired, she just wants to cuddle. This is bogus! I'm a woman, and I think it's bogus!

 

I'm not sure if this would work for the two of you, and I'm assuming you've discussed the problem with her every single way you can think of. You've been very understanding for quite a while now. But I think you need to put your foot down, or you might as well end the relationship because she isn't getting it. But you'll have to be bluntly honest with her about why you are doing it. No beating around the bush and saying your okay when you're not.

 

Next time she wants to cuddle, refuse. Explain politely that you feel it's unfair that her needs continue to be met every day, while yours are pushed aside as if nothing. Stress the fact that she isn't even willing to COMPROMISE with you on your needs. Lay it out for her black and white. If she feels she can't come even close to meeting you half way on these things, then the two of you should call it quits.

 

If she had never had this problem in the past, if she had a decent reason as to why she doesn't desire to be intimate with you, then I could see continuing to work with her on this. Giving her more time. But she denies there's anything wrong with her, or the relationship, she says its a re-occuring problem for her, and she hasn't made it any kind of priority for her to solve this problem. Maybe by standing up for your needs, she'll understand the severity of the problem, and start to work on trying to resolve this.

 

I'm hung up on the "doesn't feel comfortable initiating". Why? What's all that about? Have you asked her? What's she said?

[Walk]

I just wanted to add a couple more things...

 

The only times I don't desire sex with a SO is if:

1.) My needs aren't getting met.

2.) I'm not being taken into consideration, or I feel like I'm second priority.

3.) I'm highly stressed. (Started a new job, have finals in college, close family member died.)

4.) When I get to complacent in a relationship. Take my partner for granted too much. (Assume he's happy with everything the way it is, I don't need to put any more effort into the relationship to make him happy.)

5.) If I have no respect for the person.

 

Birth control will drop my libido, but not wipe it out completely. When she's off bc, is her libido any different? Does she know if it is?

 

My prior statement should be last choice. When you feel you've exhausted all alternatives.

 

You can stop pressuring her to have sex with you, but I think she'll probably be relieved. And it sounds to me like she's walking all over you. That you give her basically everything she wants, when she wants it, while she just hands you the soap. It doesn't sound like two people who are attempting to make each other happy.

 

Whenever I don't feel interested sexually, I still keep that option available for my SO. I don't always feel very comfortable intiating either, so we came to an agreement on that. If I'm feeling uncomfortable initiating, I just tell him I'm going to the bedroom, and I want him to join me. It takes him 5 seconds to get up the stairs. And although I might not feel sexually aroused at first, he knows me well enough at this point to know what will help. And I always enjoy it when we do, even if I wasn't in the mood prior, and I love cuddling up to him afterwards.

 

He let me know early on that he had a high libido and if I wasn't going to put at least a modicum of effort into our sex life, then he wasn't going to pamper me, and give me everything I wanted while he got nothing in return. (He phrased it less harsh)

 

Might not work, but it's a suggestion if things get to a boiling point for you.

[jondoe6]

I agree with many of the opinions brought forth. I dont like hearing so many "just leave her" comments because that is in my mind a very last resort. We had a talk today, she was very upset that something was bothering me and I wouldn't talk to her about it. She makes a doctor appointment soon and promises to speak about the b/c pill. I picked her up from work today. Before we had this convrosation i picked her up from work and said ok lets go to my gym, she said she though we were going to her gym (closer to her house).. I asked what difference it made and she said cause she wanted to have sex afterwards cause i have to work tonite. I was a bit suprised because she had told me she was doing a dessert thing with her gf's while i was at work, which i had thought ment she wasn't going to have anytime for anything after the gym. I explained to her that this was a perfect example of why she needs to communicate her feelings and intentions more to me. We had a good talk tonite and had amazing sex to boot. I do love this girl so much, enough I will stick through hard times to figure things out. I do know where to draw a line and put my foot down. I explained to her my feelings of rejection and her lack of initation to try to put it in context outside of purley sex... I think she understands now; i dont think she thought little actions spoke so loudly. Also, today I realise she is having self image issues (which statles me cause she's stupidly hot) but nonetheless, i know this could very well be a big issue. Perhaps she is turned on after the gym because she feels better about herself. Anyways I want to say I am a much happier person today and though things arent fixed; I see a light of improvement and feel a momentus push in the right direction.

[Mary3]

Seems you are at last posting ..pretty sex-less at this point.

 

I think she gave you the sex back then because you expected alot.

 

You should CONTINUE to expect the best !

 

There was a previous post ( not sure which listing ) and it was great : The advice is to treat your gf/wife like a job, what expectations do you have ?

 

Would your employer keep you very long if you were sulking in a corner saying " I don't feel like working. I dont wanna work " Now how long do you think you would keep your job ? She has a duty of fulfillment : Your enjoyment as WELL as hers.

 

If she is going frigid consistantly you are either going to have to get used to being sex-less or find someone who can meet your needs. As it stands you won't consider the possibility of leaving her so you are stuck.

 

This is how sexual affairs begin........

 

Caution again.

 

This is not good unless her vagina is closing up and sex is truly painful. She needs to be putting MORE effort into making your sex lives outstanding.

 

Don't settle for less than what you deserve.

 

Give her a Warning Slip

[Walk]

I explained to her that this was a perfect example of why she needs to communicate her feelings and intentions more to me.

 

I explained to her my feelings of rejection and her lack of initation to try to put it in context outside of purley sex... I think she understands now;

 

I'm glad you feel like you're on the right track with her. So, if you're bound and determined to work through this... (Which I think is Great!)

 

Have the two of you sat down and talked about how you would like to comprimise? Instead of each person just saying, I like it X amount of times, come to an agreement where unless there are extenuating circumstances then the both of you will try for 4 times a week. Or whatever.

 

You had said that she will use her vibrator instead of waiting for you. Have you asked her why? Meaning: What specifically about that turns her on? Is it the easier? Maybe she's too concerned about making you happy, that she isn't enjoying sex, therefore avoids it? Or you it turns her on more? Have you tried incorporating it into your sex life?

 

Does she feel comfortable talking to you about what turns her on and what doesn't? If not, you might want to refocus some of your energy towards that. And you may have to lead her to some of her thoughts, ask a ton of questions, and dig into her mind some. Some women have no clue what really does turn them on. They never took the time to explore that in their mind. (Some women get hung up on the "sex is bad" thing. They still have sex, but something tells them it's wrong to enjoy it.) You may need to put more effort into helping her discover these things.

 

Are there areas in her life that you could help with so that she could focus more attention toward your sex life? Take over a bill for her so that she doesn't have to work two jobs? It might help show her how important sex is to you. Plus lower her stress, and increase time available for the two of you.

 

I don't mean this next suggestion as harsh... But when you initiate sex, are you doing more then just gropping her? Really spend some time turning her on, caressing her, talking to her. Talk sexual, but not hard core. I had an ex who thought that grabbing my privates and telling me how hard he was gonna f me was a turn on. I felt like an object with a hole, and wasn't turned on by it. But if you say it in a way that compliments her body, expresses your desire, while being a little more subtle, that might work. Even try subtle to the extreme until you find what turns her on.

 

Have you talked to her about what turns her on? Outside of the bedroom, and with no pressure? Maybe after sex, so she doesn't feel like she has to respond a certain way just for you. There have been times where I've felt the guy only asked for the mental excitment he would get out of it. So I responded in ways that I felt would increase his desire, but not truthful to how my body really works.

 

Did you ask her if working out at the gym makes her more sexually interested? If she said it does, then make time for you sex life afterward.

 

Sounds like she does want to make you happy, and that she loves you. Maybe you just need to dig deeper into what is going on in her head to help her be more comfortable coming to you with her desire, and also find out what really turns her on. I was pretty clueless about my own body for way too long. I spent my entire life focusing on what would make my partner happy and not me. So maybe spend some time asking her more questions specifically about her body, her mind, and her desires.

 

And she may not fully understand your feelings toward sex still. You may have to sit her down a few more times. Maybe get her a book on men's needs/woman's needs. Sometimes it helps to read it, instead of having your partner say it. Emotions sometimes get in the way of really listening to a partners words, so to read it in a non-emotional language from a person she doesn't care about, might help it sink in more.

[MH66]

You mention that she is taking birth control pills. Loss of libido, to my knowledge, is usually NOT a problem with these. On the contrary, just knowing your chances of getting pregnant are slim-to-none can be liberating for many women and they can become more interested in sex.

 

But I can't help but wonder if she is taking other medications. Blood pressure meds can kill it. Antidepressants can have a wide range of effects on libido. Some folks can get into a constant state of arousal while others could go indefinitely without any sexual urge whatsoever.