I want something more

[jf2good]

This is an interesting site that I stumbled across. I guess I will give it a shot since I have no one to talk to about this. I have been married for 19 years, but I feel that I want something more – not that it is a bad marriage, nor is it ideal either, but I need more and have felt this way for some time. I still love my wife and the sex is great (when I get it). However, there were so many years where I felt married and alone at the same time. My wife is Korean, and we would argue over the proper way to raise the children, she being strict and hard, with me being more easy-going and in her opinion spoiling them (but not really by most family standards). Then she started sleeping in a separate bed from me because she complained that my snoring bothered her or she was just mad at me.

 

Well during this time I was in the Air Force reserves and every summer I would spend two weeks in Korea. This was my only chance to let off some steam, I would have fun with the bar girls but never crossed the line and had sex. I met this one club dancer whom I like a lot (my was also a former club dancer – gogo style not topless), and we hit it off. It was actually me trying as hard as hell to catch her, but she knew I was married and she was divorced from a previous marriage to someone else, so she didn’t give in easily.

 

Things came to a head just before my last trip (and 3rd visit with the aforementioned) when my wife had a massive argument with me. What really hurt so bad was the fact that she said that she didn’t respect me. Respect is one of the keystones to a good marriage and that was the straw that broke the camels back as the saying goes. So on this trip I went all out wooing my girl. Well, it wasn’t until the day before I left that she finally relented and let her guard down. That is she had resisted falling for a married man because she knew the problems.

 

During the 3 years of knowing her, I had been close to her. I had seen her naked, and we had sleep together many times, but we never had sexual relationships. Not because of me, but because she wasn’t ready. Well, when I finally had to say goodbye to her she had finally truly had fallen in love with me, so much that when I got on the bus to leave another lady on the bus commented that she could see that the girl I was with was extremely in love with me.

 

So when I landed back in the U.S. my wife was at the airport to meet me. She had come to tell me she was sorry about out argument. I immediately told her I wanted a divorce because I had found someone else. This was a massive shock to her; she had never suspected that I would want a divorce. She said that she couldn’t live without me, as I was her everything and she promised to change.

 

I still loved my wife and still do, and it was a hard decision to stay with her. I feel extremely bad what I had done to the girl in Korea, by making her fall for me and then telling her I was getting back with my wife. The key point is that I had not had sexual relations with her, while my heart was not true to my wife; my body was still pure after many years of marriage, not something everyone can claim.

 

Well things got better between the wife and me. She was sleeping in my bed again, and the sex was fantastic, much better than all the years before. However, deep inside she still resented me for “bringing another women into our marriage”. It was at this time she decided that she needed to open a business (she was worried that I would dump her in the future and she couldn’t live – she never mentioned that, but I know that was the real reason). So she opened a deli, which was a disaster, it drained all of our savings and left us over $40K in debt.

 

Well, she got a job working as a waitress in a sushi restaurant part time to help make money. Not that we needed it as I make enough to pay the bills and still save some money, just not a lot. Well she had to quit that job when she needed an operation. I also allowed her to have a tummy tuck, because she was upset over her looks at getting old.

 

As soon as she was well she said that she couldn’t find work in Dallas that paid enough so one of her Korean women friends offered her a job in Little Rock, Arkansas. I was against this, but she had her mind made up and there was no changing it. There were still issues in our marriage one was the fact she couldn’t stand to be home with the children (18 and 14) because no one listened to her and she had given up. Deep down inside she still resented me for asking for a divorce.

 

I was tired of the fighting so I let her go and in a way I wanted her to go, because there is still this need in me for something else. I love my wife and the sex has been better than ever, especially when I go to visit. But now what? Do I keep on going on like this until she decides to return?

 

Well just before Thanksgiving my mother passed away. My wife and my mother never got along, and she blamed me for not fighting with my mother to defend her. Some of that is true, but some of it was my wife being stubborn as well. I mean, when we had fights it was always one sided, my wife fights and I take the abuse. I just don’t like to fight; it rarely solves anything.

 

Well the funeral after Thanksgiving was the last time I visited with my wife. The problem is that I have fallen head over heels for a stripper I met just a short time ago. I don’t know what it is with dancing girls and me. This girl has a lot of baggage as the saying goes, including having a child. But surprising to me, this doesn’t seem to bother me for some reason. I have even had sex with her (not as good as my wife) and for some reason I don’t feel guilty at all for cheating on my wife. I have had numerous opportunities to have sex before with other women, but always stopped because I could never cross that line while being married.

 

I don’t know what to do. My wife calls me ever day and says she loves me and she is horny for sex. I tell her I love her and I do, but something is missing. I have been seeing this girl almost everyday, sneaking away so my children won’t find out – surprisingly easy to leave teenagers alone, they want their privacy as much as I do. She says that she is in love with me, and I do believe she is really telling the truth.

 

I don’t know how my wife would handle it finding out about my relationship with someone else. She didn’t handle it at all before, when I had previously asked for a divorce. I’m not sure I want to divorce, as I don’t hate my wife. However, I do want something more, thus the current relationship I am in. What to do? Sorry for the long story.

[Nocturnal-Bloom]

Wow, you and those dancing girls! I am just worried for you because someone who is stripping to support a child may be looking at you as a way out. I would hate to see you throw your marriage away for that. But it sounds as if the two of you- you and your wife- need to get into the same BED! Right now you are not even in the same town. That is just too hard on most relationships. And while you're at it peek in on those teens-Lord knows what they could be getting into!

[jf2good]

Well I told my wife yesterday I wanted a divorce. She didn't take it well, she drove home from Little Rock overnight. I don't know what to do. I want to run away so bad, but that won't solve anything. I don't hate my wife, but there is an anger in me, some at her, some at me. She couldn't handle the stress so she left, but she isn't willing to let me go. I am angry at myself for hurting her and for hurting the girl from Korea by falling in love with her and then dumping her. I don't want to do the same agian this time to the person that I am in love with now. You just can't love more than one person, yet in reality you do and it hurts both of them as well as yourself. I need help and there is none.

[lost2005]

I can't possibily know what its like to have been married all those years and then having to make the decision to divorce...but what I do know is that in reading your post, you have had something significant missing from your marriage to your W.

 

The way I read this, it doesn't seem like there was that passion. Yes, you might have loved your wife, got married, had children, lived together...but what I don't read in your story is yes...the passion.

 

For me, I could never imagine being with someone that long and living life in shades of gray. I need color that is bright, bold and exciting. Yes, sometimes, this takes work because one tends to get comfortble over time but for me, love is VERY COLORFUL and PASSIONATE. I would rather venture the world alone to see and meet new and different people, places rather than being in a monotone, status quo life of the predictable.

 

This is how I see love. Perhaps it may sound selfish but I just can't imagine living just a hum drum life with no passion, longing.

 

Your attraction to the strip bars, go go clubs etc...tells me that perhaps you need that excitement, need high levels of stimulation either physically, emotionally or mentally. This is what I think is that lack of passion you have in your life right now.

 

If I were the W and my husband asked me for a divorce not once but twice, I would have let him go. In my mind, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Perhaps its her insecurity of a funding source or being taken care of...in my my personal life, I am VERY financially independent so I guess money would never be a consideration for me. So I'm speaking from the perspective that I DON'T really need someone to help me kind of thing...

 

I would say..yes I know you love me but you are not IN LOVE with me and send you out to the world. I would want another oppty to find someone as I would deserve the same kind of oppty for happiness too. You only have one life in this world. Do what makes you happy. You seen like a good guy who did your duty faithfully through your marriage and I can sense that you really felt bad for leading someone on. You deserve to be happy too. Its your time and you need to think of yourself.

 

If decide to stay and continue your life with your W or if you see the world, do it with both feet in, give it your heart and soul and live it like there is no tomorrow. Grasp your life and do, see, feel things with conviction...that is passion.

 

I wish you well..

[jf2good]

My wife wants a divorce; maybe I want a divorce also. I am so angry inside now. I am not a person to get angry or show it. So why am I angry, if I want to divorce also?

 

I want to punch something, but nothing to hit. I want to break something but I hate to have anything broken. Breaking and throwing away things for me is so very very hard.

 

This isn’t the first time I wanted to divorce my wife. So maybe it is better we finally end it. But is like my wife just wants to cut everything out, throw away all, destroy all. I know that this isn’t all her fault; so much is mine as I want to run-away from the problems as well.

 

I have always held it in my whole life. My wife was able to release her anger and frustration in repeated out bursts of name calling and breaking things and so on. When that wasn’t enough she went away for a while to live with her friend.

 

My outlet too was running away, but not so in the absolute physical sense of moving out of the house. I ran away inwards. I also try to find love from someone else. Once a year I would go to work for 2 weeks in Korea in the Air Force Reserves. How can anyone try to find love in 2 weeks? Doesn’t matter I tried.

 

So I was wrong, but our marriage was bad. The wife constantly fought with me over the kids. She eventually stopped sleeping with my and sex as well. So I put my effort into that once year escapism. I did find someone. So after returning I told my wife I wanted a divorce because I had found someone else. Well there was the gnashing of teeth, and she was shocked I wanted to divorce. After her destroying things like her wedding dress she said she wouldn’t let me go. I agreed to stay together and she started sleeping in bed with me and having sex again.

 

While I did not physically cheat on my wife, I cheated mentally by falling in love with someone else. We never resolved the problems, we tried to go to a marriage counselor one time, but what good does it do if the wife blames you for everything in the session, it won’t work. So we kind of buried the issue.

Well the wife made me give up the Air Force reserves so I couldn’t go away no more. No more escapism for me. So the problems continued, always fighting over the kids. When I mean fighting it was her yelling at me always. Maybe she had the right to be angry at me about the Children, but a one sided argument of her outburst didn’t fix anything. So my son in his teenage years acted out badly, as he was had an anger problem as well.

 

So my wife moves out, and moves to Little Rock to work. She says it was for money, we didn’t need money. Sure my wife lost 50 grand in opening a deli shop, which she did after I wanted to divorce her the first time. It was her attempt to have income, in case I wanted to divorce again. I understood her physiological need, so even though I thought it was a bad idea, I was guilty over trying to divorce the first time.

 

So she moves out over my objections. She was running away from her problems and the stress at home. That left me with 2 teenage kids, which wasn’t your nice to get along teen family on TV. Nope it was constant bickering between them, as well as other problems outside the house. So I tried escapism as well, I hooked up with a stripper in a club, which was the wrong thing to do. But I wanted out too, I was internally very angry at my wife for her running away. Yes, I still loved her, but I wanted out as well. So long story being short, I slept with this stripper one time, which after not physically cheating even when no sex for a long time was a big step for me. Sure I had given my love to other women before, but to actually to cheat physically was a big issue.

 

So I called my wife and told her I wanted a divorce for the second time. She raced back home from Little Rock to Dallas. I was near going insane afterwards; I couldn’t handle the stress of so many problems for so many years. My wife saw how emotionally wrecked I was and didn’t want a divorce me. So for the second time I didn’t divorce, and she moved back home. But she never forgave me for cheating.

 

So fast forward even further. My wife goes to visit her family in Korea this summer after not seeing them for nearly a decade. I was happy for her to go as I wanted some alone time. Not that I was completely alone as our son had moved back home to go to college. But it was someone what peaceful at last. My wife wanted to go to Korea to also have time there to travel around and write poetry. But her parents were old, so she ended up spending most of her time taking care of them which left her frustrated, as her father has the same anger problems she does.

 

Whenever, I called my wife, I told her I loved her, but she didn’t respond back like words on the phone. It was not until more than two months that she started telling me how much she missed me and how much I was a good husband. But I already felt hurt by then that she didn’t care. My wife was nearly gone for five months; that is a long time.

 

The problem started this time in that I wasn’t that happy she came home. I came to realize two things. Number one I was afraid of my wife, afraid of her emotional outburst of anger. Two, is that we had no relationship any more. Sure I still loved her and she still loved me, and we did things together occasionally, we were married, and we had children, however, we had no relationship.

 

I had discussed lightly with people when my wife was gone about the possibility of divorcing her, as I knew when she would be back, I would not be happy. It is not good to be afraid of someone you love. So yes this is my fault for not welcoming her home with love.

 

So she has been home for less than three weeks. I am not one to discuss things like women are, so I told her soon after she came home about the two problems, and she agreed that we had no relationship. So she has been bugging me for a week now to discuss what I wanted to do, and to discuss more about this. So yesterday I talked some more. I don’t know the answer to how to fix our relationship and I don’t know if I want to try. How can I fix it, if I am afraid of her anger? I also can’t trust myself that I won’t cheat again and sleep with someone.

 

So my wife tells me yesterday that she had deiced a week ago we needed to get divorced. She doesn’t want to hold me anymore she says. She has been distant for a week now, but yesterday that is like a flip of a switch. I can’t touch her, and she won’t sleep in the same bed, and she doesn’t want to talk, she says she doesn’t want to get angry at me. Then she want to throw away everything, she want to erase our memories, she even cut up clothes today. She said after the divorce she never wants to see me or the children again.

 

Maybe that is why I am so angry inside now, how can she just cut things off, black and white? Sure I am to fault as much as she is, maybe more for wanting to be divorced in the past. Yes, I even thought about it when she was gone, but I didn’t make the decision this time.

 

Then there is the problem of money. My wife wants a ridiculous amount of money; she wants 300 grand so she can go live in Korea. So I ask her why, and she says none of my business why, and that she can’t work. If I sold our house and liquidated all of my retirement saving, I probably don’t even have that much money. Besides that we have two kids in college, so that isn’t cheap. Texas is a 50/50 state by all that I read. So I know she is going to be pissed off about the money.

 

Breaking up isn’t easy to do. Staying married is damn hard as well.

[You Go Girl]

I didn't read all your rambling on because I read enough in the first two posts.

1--You have some kind of obsession with Korean women.

2--You have an obsession with dancing girls/eye candy.

3--Until you start using your brain instead of your eyes, your life will never improve, it doesn't matter who the woman is.

[jf2good]

1--You have some kind of obsession with Korean women [Well any Asian women it is my weakness].

2--You have an obsession with dancing girls/eye candy [Yes].

3--Until you start using your brain instead of your eyes, your life will never improve, it doesn't matter who the woman is [All men use their eyes before there brains].

 

Well with that said, I have been using my brain lately to realize the problems, it took a long time to understand that. But that doesn't fix the problems, it only identifies them. So even my wife asked me what is my blueprint to fix the problem, and I don't have one. Not that she is willing to accept it. Maybe Divorce is the best solution, and I have thought about it, but instead of reacting like before, I know it isn't the only solution. Problem is I don't have a good solution.

 

I accept my blame for what I have done, but maybe it is like the saying Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. I am upset the egg is broken, and frustrated about not knowing how to put it back together. Maybe making scrambled eggs [getting a divorce] is the only solution.

 

So your point is taken, but it didn't answer why I feel angry inside.