loony Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I have this special question that is very dear to me and I'm sure it also interests a couple of other posters. Tell me how bad you would feel if you found out your partner cheated on you? Would you care at all? Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner?
lindya Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Would you care at all? Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner? The act of being physically cheated on is distressing to me, but wouldn't necessarily result in the end of a relationship if I felt that I had, with that person, a very special connection that would be very difficult to find again with someone new. It would pose a huge risk to the relationship though. If a guy physically cheated on me more than once...I'd definitely end it. The act of being emotionally cheated on (ie an opposite sex friend who my partner is confiding in a great deal - especially if any of those things involve his feelings or concerns about our relationship)...That is more grievous to me. I would see a situation like that as being a greater threat to the relationship than a purely physical affair. Again, however, I wouldn't automatically end a relationship that was special to me on those grounds alone. I would want to talk to him about the problems I felt it posed for our relationship. The last time I did that, the guy saw it as a green light to jump into bed with his "friend" - so I'd certainly worry about having that kind of talk again. That said, I would still take the risk and have the talk....because a relationship where you can't be open about concerns like that is not a relationship I would want to be in. The combination of emotional and physical infidelity spells the definite end of a relationship for me. Once a man has, whilst in a relationship with me, given himself both physically and emotionally to another woman then he loses his "specialness" in my eyes. I just can't see him as my "partner" any more. In fact I immediately see him as the other woman's partner - whether or not he actually wants to be - because to my mind, men who are unfaithful and disloyal on every level (cheating, lying etc) and "other women" belong together....leaving people who value trust and loyalty to find, and be happy with, eachother.
phyrespryte Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 One time when I had just broken up with my ex (it was like the 2nd or 3rd time we had broken up) He told me that he had cheated on me. Now I had just dumped him, but I felt so awful. Of course it turns out the a**hole was lying and trying to get back at me for hurting him. But man that was just plain awful. I think that finding out someone cheated on you is worse than being dumped. It's like who the heck was I dating? And then it messes up your whole trust thing. Tell me how bad you would feel if you found out your partner cheated on you? Would you care at all? Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner? But by loss do you mean death or do you mean a break up?
tanbark813 Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 As bad as the last 3 times it's happened. The bright side is that it gets a little easier each time, but it's always devastating.
JS17 Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 good post lindya, I agree with you. I would also say that I would only take someone back if they seemed to be sincere in their apology. Now I feel as though I will not trust someone in a relationship again. Cheating will really mess the other person up.
lindya Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 good post lindya, I agree with you. I would also say that I would only take someone back if they seemed to be sincere in their apology. Yes. I think if I met someone else who cheated on me, it would lead to a pretty prolonged analysis about whether or not the relationship could continue. I know in my heart of hearts that if I'd fallen in love with that person I wouldn't be able to just say "that's it, you're dumped" and walk away without trying to work things out. After all, it's very seldom indeed that I fall in love. Remembering how I felt last time, however, I wouldn't feel overly confident that things could be worked out.
Lonestar Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I've never been cheated on that I know of, but if I found out something like that I'd be completely devastated for a long long time. It ripped me apart when my ex was with another woman during one of our off again phases. We weren't together, but it still killed me finding out about it. tanbark, I like your santa hat.
RecordProducer Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Tell me how bad you would feel if you found out your partner cheated on you? Very bad and I would definitely end the relationship. Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner? The loss of my partner would probably be even worse, but I would never see him with the same eyes. He would lose a great deal of his worth if he cheated on me so the loss would be temporary. In other words, I wouldn't regret dumping a cheater for one second. I would be able to forgive emotional affair that never turned into anything physical though, although it would be very painful also.
seachange Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Would you care at all? Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner? Only time it's ever happened, my first reaction was to worry about losing him in a physical sense. But...after a little time had passed, and I began to wake up and realize what it would be like to live every day with the knowledge that he had done this, that became worse than the idea of losing him for good. Because basically, I felt like I already had lost him - at least, the him that I thought I knew. The mourning for that loss was much deeper and more damaging. Oh, and a caveat: to those who have weathered infidelity and stuck it out - I realize that my experience isn't necessarily typical of everyone with a cheating spouse. I think that if the WS owns up and makes sincere efforts at making amends and repairing the relationship, then that healing process can proceed differently. The fact that he continued to lie, though, drove home the point that he wasn't the person I thought he was. So - sayonara.
Cupcake Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 being cheated on gets worse each time. I feel betrayed, unloved, worthless, and sad. And I lose hope thinking that no one will ever be honest with me. I've never ever cheated on anyone. Yet it seems impossible to find a person who won't cheat on me.
Author loony Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 But by loss do you mean death or do you mean a break up? I mean death.
RecordProducer Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I mean death. Death? Do you want to kill someone who has cheated on you? I am looking at your avatar and kinda wondering...
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 1. Tell me how bad you would feel if you found out your partner cheated on you? 2. Would you care at all? 3. Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner? 1. My partner at the time did cheat on me. With my best friend, even - when I was out of town for a week training for a job. Mr. B and J hooked up - I somehow knew it in my gut even from 100 miles away. When I got back, sure enough they had done the deed. First time (and only time so far) I've been cheated on. What did we do? We got past it and moved on with our lives. I guess in my case it was a necessity given our beginnings. What possible good would it have done to focus on that when we had a 28 week preemie struggling to live? We had to prioritize and in the grand scheme of things a drunken hookup was meaningless compared to the new situation we found ourselves in. 2. Sure I cared. Mostly about my best friend though. I had only been with Mr. B for a short while and hadn't had the 'exclusivity' talk yet. So, it was worse because J knew how I felt about him and did it anyway. She was notorious for doing that to people just because she could. I don't know why I thought I was exempt from her doing that to me. 3. Cheating can be overcome. Death cannot. I cannot imagine that someone would rather another human being die than suffer a blow to their own ego needs. Did it make me remorseful about cheating past acts I had done? No. I guess each situation for me is unique unto itself and I focus on foward movement, and reflect only in what lessons I can take from the past. I feel you learn from your mistakes, not your successes, so I prefer to leave my mistakes as is as a constant reminder of the lessons I need to continue to take from them, rather than applying new knowlege to turn the mistakes to successes. Will I cheat again or cheat with someone who is taken? Nope. Not because of past acts or any remorse I feel, but simply because I looked at what I learned from it and realize that a relationship like that simply isn't fulfilling for me. Not something I would seek out again.
TwoCents Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 As bad as the last 3 times it's happened. The bright side is that it gets a little easier each time, but it's always devastating. Are you NUTTS? Why in the world would you stick around for THREE times of cheating? Day um!!!!
Outcast Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I cannot imagine that someone would rather another human being die than suffer a blow to their own ego needs. I don't believe the question is 'would you rather have someone die than cheat'. And it's interesting that you attribute betrayal to a 'blow to ego needs'. How is it that trust suddenly becomes 'ego need' when discussed in the context of infidelity?
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 And it's interesting that you attribute betrayal to a 'blow to ego needs'. How is it that trust suddenly becomes 'ego need' when discussed in the context of infidelity? Objectively speaking, for many people, the need for fidelity is an ego need, just as trust is. A betrayal of that trust is a blow to that ego need on a couple of different fronts - read pretty much any "cheated on" post to see the impact. Not everyone has the same ego needs though, and I was speaking in general as a good deal of people who are cheated on see betrayal as a blow to the ego needs. I'm not certain why its interesting I would say that though. It was fairly general in context of question three and not specific to myself and my personal situations.
Outcast Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Objectively speaking, for many people, the need for fidelity is an ego need, just as trust is. A betrayal of that trust is a blow to that ego need on a couple of different fronts - read pretty much any "cheated on" post to see the impact. Well unless every human need is an 'ego need' then I'm not buying it. Is safety an 'ego need'? Is security an 'ego need'? What about food? Or are they needs because they are vital to our primitive instincts of survival? If the basic instinct of any organism is to survive, then any threat to that survival is a threat to the organism. Trust is an aspect of the need for safety - when trust is betrayed, one's basic feelings of safety are undermined. Same as when someone dies on you - the loss of an existence from your life threatens your security. So does rejection from 'the herd'; the rejection by a significant other touches one's very need to belong to 'the herd' for safety's sake.
RecordProducer Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I think we were all shocked by Loony's question: "Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner?" She was the one who compared cheating with dying! Not anyone of us. Outcast, I don't see why you're explaining what she meant by that as if you're Loony. If you are - then you have a MPD (which I actually suspected previously). Especially since you accused me of posting under another username in my own thread (you probably meant AConcernedCitizen, but I am not sure and it doesn't really matter). It's scary how Loony and you have similar mindsets and you protect each other like twin sisters. I suspect that you're friends or sisters or the same person. Comparing death to cheating in the context Loony made (there was no context!) is sick! 1
Author loony Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 RP, you're such a riot. :lmao: :lmao:
Outcast Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 RP, must you always be so hostile and unpleasant? Lucrezia understood my question and didn't take umbrage at my remarks.
Sami_D Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 (1) How bad would you feel if you found out your partner cheated on you? How bad I would feel, I have no idea at all. That is something I have yet to experience in any of my relationships and I hope I never do.. I would imagine that the depth of sadness and hurt I would feel would be proportional to the amount of trust and belief I had been able to forge with my partner. But I am sure that it would be something I would not get over with that person. I don't ever want to give someone a second chance to feck me over. (2) Do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner? I wish this question had been phrased differently, somehow... like, would I forgive my partner because I would hate to lose them so much, etc etc. Actually, if someone cheated on me then they'd have to be a really heartless, cheating, lying fecker who didn't give a monkeys for someone who was always there for them. SO NO... if they did that, given my character... they'd be useless wasters. I know how great I am... if they can't make a R work with me adoring them... they're only fit for the scrapheap! So adios!
d'Arthez Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 RecordProducer, MPD is not even a recognized disorder. The proper term is Dissociative Identity Disorder nowadays - in fact has been for 11 years.
Craig Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 How bad you would feel if you found out your partner cheated on you? I'm not sure, it has happened once that I know of and I didn't fall into a black pit of despair. What I experienced was initial, but short lived, shock. Then In a few hours I withdrew from the relationship and actually felt relieved that I had found out. The way I see it is that it's their loss and my gain. Of course I would never want it to happen but if it did, it did and there's nothing can do to change it. Would you care at all? I would care but I wouldn't let it get to me. Rather I'd see it as a blessing to have learned that my SO was not worthy of being with me and I could then focus my life on healing and finding one of the right ones for me. Or do you think it would be as bad as the actual loss of your partner? I know the death of my partner would be far worse. PS - Maybe I am influenced by something someone once said to me, "she didn't cheat on you, she broke up with you and didn't tell you."
FataMorgana Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 PS - Maybe I am influenced by something someone once said to me, "she didn't cheat on you, she broke up with you and didn't tell you." really like this. thanks for sharing Craig
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