notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I'm approaching about a week of NC after being forced to write a "break up e-mail" to my gf. I would have done it in person, but she was ignoring all contact by me at the time. All through our 2 years of an on-again-off-again relationship, I was the doormat -- just suffering whenever she decided to back off and re-evaluate her options and whether or not I was the right person for her. I basically got fed up with her lack of commitment and communication. You can read my numerous posts about her for a full history, but I wanted a few opinions... Even though I dumped her, I really feel like the dumpee in the whole situation. I feel that it was her rejection of me that forced me to write her the note. So now I'm not contacting her any longer, and I'm wondering what I should do if she decides to contact me. Deep down, I love this woman. The way she is now, we could never make it, but there is also a part of me that believes that it would work if she could get over her commitment phobia. So... if she contacts me, should I just ignore it? Should I reply if she shows some sign of acknowledging her faults? Should I reply and give her an ultimatum? Mz. Pixie, If you are reading, I know what you would say! Just humor me. It helps me to post, even though I sort of know the answer....
slubberdegullion Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 So now I'm not contacting her any longer, and I'm wondering what I should do if she decides to contact me. You do nothing. You made the right decision based on the nature of the relationship. Don't go looking back now into a non-existent rosy past. if she contacts me, should I just ignore it? Yup. Should I reply if she shows some sign of acknowledging her faults?Nope. Should I reply and give her an ultimatum? Not applicable, because you know that the right thing to do is to not reply anyway. You may always have feelings for this woman, but the simple fact is that she will not change. It's pretty clear that you've made your feelings known to her about her attitude towards you, and she obviously didn't think enough of the relationship to do the hard work to make things right. So remember your good times together, as well as the bad, and tuck them away in your heart and in your memory so they don't get in the way of the next relationship. Good luck!
J dub Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I agree with slubberdegullion...youre asking for someone to change (her commitment issues) and that's not loving her for who she is...youre getting the "rosy past" syndrome.... hopefully you outlined the situation for her when you broke up with her explaining that you need the commitment portion of her --and if you did, she'll know that it's when she can commit and only then that you'll want to work on things. She may "check in" to say hi or whatever, but my guess is it would be best to ignore it. Not until you are well over her and happy again.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2005 Author Posted December 16, 2005 Good luck! I'm going to need it! Transcending all the pain I've suffered in this relationship, I can't shake the feeling that I won't be able to find a woman that I can fall-for as much as I did with her... and I've been around the block a time-or-two I know, time heals. Thanks for posting.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2005 Author Posted December 16, 2005 I agree with slubberdegullion...youre asking for someone to change (her commitment issues) and that's not loving her for who she is...youre getting the "rosy past" syndrome.... hopefully you outlined the situation for her when you broke up with her explaining that you need the commitment portion of her --and if you did, she'll know that it's when she can commit and only then that you'll want to work on things. She may "check in" to say hi or whatever, but my guess is it would be best to ignore it. Not until you are well over her and happy again. Thanks J dub. Yes, she knows quite well what I want from her (commitment and communicaton). You are probably right -- best to ignore for now... it is going to take me a long time to get over this, and my contact with her will seriously put me at risk of being a doormat again.
slubberdegullion Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Anytime the beautiful and intelligent J dub agrees with me means I must have done something right. *whew* Your mention of "transcending the pain" is very appropriate. Recognizing it, dealing with it, and moving on in spite of it is undoubtedly the best strategy. But it's got nothing to do with luck (even though that was my phrase, not yours). You're gonna be ok. And though it will take time to heal, it probably won't take as long as you think it will.
itwontdawnsooner Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 you can do this! just remember, if youre still worried about falling into the doormat trap - you probably will! when youre convinced that's not going to happen anymore, then youve learned! but until then, youre still putting yourself together - and if youre emotional, youre irrational and weaker, and the resolve you need to learn and change from this wont be strong enough. give yourself time and youll find a strength you didnt know you had!
Author notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2005 Author Posted December 16, 2005 you can do this! just remember, if youre still worried about falling into the doormat trap - you probably will! when youre convinced that's not going to happen anymore, then youve learned! but until then, youre still putting yourself together - and if youre emotional, youre irrational and weaker, and the resolve you need to learn and change from this wont be strong enough. give yourself time and youll find a strength you didnt know you had! Thanks for the post itwondawnsooner! I will try to give myself time -- and rely on NC to help me avoid the doormat trap. Right now, I'm kind of numb -- not too emotional, but I know it all can come crashing down at any moment. I saw her drive by yesterday (she didn't see me), and I felt my heart-rate go up dramatically. Its going to be a while!
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