I recently remembered how I felt the last time I experienced mutual infatuation, and this has opened a floodgate of emotionally draining memories

[Peter86]

I am a 38-year-old guy from Sweden, and I very rarely become interested in girls - and the few times when I do become interested in someone, that girl typically turns out to be in a relationship.
However, one exception was back in 2010, when I found out that a girl at my local library liked me and wanted to hang out with me, and I noticed that I felt something special for her as well.
Some of her coworkers were familiar with me, so I guess that they had told her positive things about me, because she was comfortable with being totally alone with me on our very first date, which we had out in nature by ourselves, and we started kissing during that date and felt very good around each other.
I felt super-exhilarated for several days after that date, and I ended up listening to a bunch of cheerful romantic songs - and one particular video that I found myself looping over and over was the US music video for the Ace Of Base song "Lucky Love", since that video perfectly summarised in every possible way just how I personally felt (a bunch of romantic couples acting silly and overjoyed, positive lyrics, and so on), and it amplified my already exhilarated emotions, to a level that is without a doubt one of the most amazing feelings I have ever felt in my whole life.

I broke up with this girl a few months later, and I didn't care about that music video for several years since then;
however, I got curious about that video about a week ago, and decided to check it out again, and my first reaction was to experience almost those same exhilarated emotions.
However, those feelings quickly turned into painful sentimental memories, where I started feeling that I really wanted to be back there again:
it has made me start to feel a strong longing for being in a relationship again, and I have found myself crying several times a day for several days in a row.
And these memories were triggered by a music video, so it was a multisensory trigger;
music by itself can be a very strong memory trigger, but I am associating a music track with descriptive video recordings, so it was an extremely powerful bittersweet memory trigger that was very emotionally draining.
I do feel better now - I can still sometimes feel that I am very close to crying if I think about those memories, but I can control it, and ignore it to some degree.
The weird thing is that I don't actually miss the girl - I miss the way it felt those first several days, when those feelings were most intense.

I am currently studying at university (Engineering Physics), however I am not particularly social (I used to have lots of friends who I hung out with all the time, but I have lost contact with a lot of them, and some of them have moved somewhere else), and I have had to retake one year and have postponed studies because of previous burnouts etc, so I am currently pretty much free-styling my studies by myself, and I am trying to finish whatever I can finish as quickly as possible, and I mostly spend time by myself at the gym a few times a week.
I am making an effort to focus on studies and keep myself active, but this recently triggered longing for relationships has made me feel quite gloomy a lot of the time.
I am thinking of visiting the school's night club this weekend, however I feel like I don't really get any good natural opportunities to speak to people there;
it is mostly groups of friends who hang out on their own, and I feel like I am in my own bubble where nothing ever happens.
Should I just try to look for social activities at the school that I enjoy doing, and let opportunities for relationships come by themselves?
Or will I continue to feel this way until I have found a partner who can fill this "void"?
I am not quite sure what is the best way to handle this situation.

Edited March 15 by Peter86

[smackie9]

It's better to spend your time with activities/hobbies for they build a good intellectual foundation for meeting people, socializing, and creating relationship/friendships, social circle. Being a recluse, surviving on fantasies to get you through the day, hoping a woman will drop into your lap is being a go nowhere sad sap that wouldn't even attract a fly. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Peter86 said:

I am a 38-year-old guy from Sweden, and I very rarely become interested in girls - and the few times when I do become interested in someone, that girl typically turns out to be in a relationship.
However, one exception was back in 2010, when I found out that a girl at my local library liked me and wanted to hang out with me, and I noticed that I felt something special for her as well.
Some of her coworkers were familiar with me, so I guess that they had told her positive things about me, because she was comfortable with being totally alone with me on our very first date, which we had out in nature by ourselves, and we started kissing during that date and felt very good around each other.
I felt super-exhilarated for several days after that date, and I ended up listening to a bunch of cheerful romantic songs - and one particular video that I found myself looping over and over was the US music video for the Ace Of Base song "Lucky Love", since that video perfectly summarised in every possible way just how I personally felt (a bunch of romantic couples acting silly and overjoyed, positive lyrics, and so on), and it amplified my already exhilarated emotions, to a level that is without a doubt one of the most amazing feelings I have ever felt in my whole life.

I broke up with this girl a few months later, and I didn't care about that music video for several years since then;
however, I got curious about that video about a week ago, and decided to check it out again, and my first reaction was to experience almost those same exhilarated emotions.
However, those feelings quickly turned into painful sentimental memories, where I started feeling that I really wanted to be back there again:
it has made me start to feel a strong longing for being in a relationship again, and I have found myself crying several times a day for several days in a row.
And these memories were triggered by a music video, so it was a multisensory trigger;
music by itself can be a very strong memory trigger, but I am associating a music track with descriptive video recordings, so it was an extremely powerful bittersweet memory trigger that was very emotionally draining.
I do feel better now - I can still sometimes feel that I am very close to crying if I think about those memories, but I can control it, and ignore it to some degree.
The weird thing is that I don't actually miss the girl - I miss the way it felt those first several days, when those feelings were most intense.

I am currently studying at university (Engineering Physics), however I am not particularly social (I used to have lots of friends who I hung out with all the time, but I have lost contact with a lot of them, and some of them have moved somewhere else), and I have had to retake one year and have postponed studies because of previous burnouts etc, so I am currently pretty much free-styling my studies by myself, and I am trying to finish whatever I can finish as quickly as possible, and I mostly spend time by myself at the gym a few times a week.
I am making an effort to focus on studies and keep myself active, but this recently triggered longing for relationships has made me feel quite gloomy a lot of the time.
I am thinking of visiting the school's night club this weekend, however I feel like I don't really get any good natural opportunities to speak to people there;
it is mostly groups of friends who hang out on their own, and I feel like I am in my own bubble where nothing ever happens.
Should I just try to look for social activities at the school that I enjoy doing, and let opportunities for relationships come by themselves?
Or will I continue to feel this way until I have found a partner who can fill this "void"?
I am not quite sure what is the best way to handle this situation.

I relate to this a lot. I find it very hard to feel an emotional connection, I've been out with a lot of girls I think are smart, funny, beautiful... but I just feel nothing and start to wonder what my problem is. And then when I do fall I fall HARD, usually for someone emotionally unavailable who I take months to get over.

It's very discouraging, but if you're not in you cant win and as Smackie said you have to fill your life up with as many social activities as you can so you can meet people. Wallowing alone will get you nowhere, and as painful as the bad experiences can be when it goes right it can be wonderful.

Edited March 15 by FredEire

[Peter86]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's better to spend your time with activities/hobbies for they build a good intellectual foundation for meeting people, socializing, and creating relationship/friendships, social circle. Being a recluse, surviving on fantasies to get you through the day, hoping a woman will drop into your lap is being a go nowhere sad sap that wouldn't even attract a fly. 

I realise that;
to be honest, I am not sure if it is even necessarily a relationship that I desire, but more the general feeling of both being somewhat interested in someone and also noticing that she is interested back, because that kind of mutual interest in someone feels great, even if it hasn't turned into an actual relationship.
But I tend to be by myself most of the time, so those situations don't really happen, and I am probably too proud to show interest in someone if I am not 100% sure that that girl has already shown crystal clear interest in me as well.
I remember that I didn't let this bother me when I was a teenager;
back then, I could spontaneously make flirty eye contact with girls and smile at them, as if it were nothing.
I believe that my large social circle of friends back then made me feel empowered and confident, and I feel that I should develop that part of my life as well.
Either way, I feel pretty okay right now, and I keep myself busy with things that I enjoy doing, and that are important in some way.
I also feel that that music video has started to lose its impact on me;
there were a few days when I couldn't stop myself from crying if I watched it, since it triggered way too many emotional memories in a lot of different ways, but now I don't really react to it that much, except maybe a brief sting of longing every now and then, but it doesn't bother me to any great degree.
 

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I relate to this a lot. I find it very hard to feel an emotional connection, I've been out with a lot of girls I think are smart, funny, beautiful... but I just feel nothing and start to wonder what my problem is. And then when I do fall I fall HARD, usually for someone emotionally unavailable who I take months to get over.

It's very discouraging, but if you're not in you cant win and as Smackie said you have to fill your life up with as many social activities as you can so you can meet people. Wallowing alone will get you nowhere.

Yeah, I am already quite used to visiting the night club at my school, so I think I might as well try doing that again this weekend.
I have also heard that there is some sort of chess club or something at the school, and I enjoy chess a lot, so that seems like a good first step towards more social situations.
I basically just have to get more socially involved, so that I feel like I am "part of the gang", so to speak.

Edited March 15 by Peter86

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Peter86 said:

I realise that;
to be honest, I am not sure if it is even necessarily a relationship that I desire, but more the general feeling of both being somewhat interested in someone and also noticing that she is interested back, because that kind of mutual interest in someone feels great, even if it hasn't turned into an actual relationship.
But I tend to be by myself most of the time, so those situations don't really happen, and I am probably too proud to show interest in someone if I am not 100% sure that that girl has already shown crystal clear interest in me as well.
I remember that I didn't let this bother me when I was a teenager;
back then, I could spontaneously make flirty eye contact with girls and smile at them, as if it were nothing.
I believe that my large social circle of friends back then made me feel empowered and confident, and I feel that I should develop that part of my life as well.
Either way, I feel pretty okay right now, and I keep myself busy with things that I enjoy doing, and that are important in some way.
I also feel that that music video has started to lose its impact on me;
there were a few days when I couldn't stop myself from crying if I watched it, but now I don't really react to it that much, except maybe a brief sting of longing every now and then, but it doesn't bother me to any great degree.
 

Yeah, I am already quite used to visiting the night club at my school, so I think I might as well try doing that again this weekend.
I have also heard that there is some sort of chess club or something at the school, and I enjoy chess a lot, so that seems like a good small first step towards more social situations.

I also agree with Smackie in that you can't expect something to fall into your lap. I have a friend who is a 30 year old virgin, never had a relationship and he tells me all the time how lonely he is, but spends 90% of his time alone and it drives me crazy. I feel like telling him sometimes guess what man, if you don't try it ain't ever going to happen.

Chess is a cool hobby, you have to keep in mind though the vast majority of people there will be guys so I would include other hobbies. I do Brazilian jiu jitsu and really like it but I'm well aware I'm very unlikely to meet a partner there haha.

[Peter86]

9 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I also agree with Smackie in that you can't expect something to fall into your lap. I have a friend who is a 30 year old virgin, never had a relationship and he tells me all the time how lonely he is, but spends 90% of his time alone and it drives me crazy. I feel like telling him sometimes guess what man, if you don't try it ain't ever going to happen.

Chess is a cool hobby, you have to keep in mind though the vast majority of people there will be guys so I would include other hobbies. I do Brazilian jiu jitsu and really like it but I'm well aware I'm very unlikely to meet a partner there haha.

Yeah, well I feel that I would like to "get out there" in general, so my first step is to essentially just interact with people, whether they are potential partners or not.

One funny thing that I have noticed is that I seem to become very chatty with people as soon as I actually get into some kind of friendly conversation with them;
it amazes me every time how I go from the quiet and reserved type to someone who suddenly can have a conversation with a total stranger without any trouble.
I guess maybe my interactions with friends from my younger days might have given me some kind of foundation, which "activates" when I actually end up having a casual conversation with someone.

Edited March 15 by Peter86

[FredEire]

Just now, Peter86 said:

Yeah, well I feel that I would like to "get out there" in general, so my first step is to essentially just interact with people, whether they are potential partners or not.

One funny thing that I have noticed is that I seem to become very chatty with people as soon as I actually start some kind of friendly conversation with them;
it amazes me every time how I go from the quiet and reserved type to someone who suddenly can have a conversation with a total stranger without any trouble.
I guess maybe my interactions with friends from my younger days might have given me some kind of foundation, which "activates" when I actually get the opportunity to have a conversation with someone.

Yeah fair enough

You're probably a shy extrovert rather than an introvert then, Id be similar.

I value genuine interactions a lot, I absolutely couldn't be bothered small talking with a hundred people I've nothing in common with

[Alpacalia]

Well that's the beauty of interacting with people that you have nothing in common with, it's not talking about things that you both agree on, it's learning from each other's differences and expanding your perspective. 

[Peter86]

I believe that those rekindled feelings have started to subside now, at least to a degree that they don't trouble me.
I will definitely still aim towards rebuilding my social circle though, and this would then also no doubt make it feel easier to develop romantic relationships.

I am actually not really "shy" of girls in the typical sense;
I wasn't even particularly nervous the first time I had sex, and I feel that my past intimate experiences have gone very smoothly, and felt very natural, and I would definitely feel comfortable with kissing a girl and being flirty towards her if I got to that moment.
My problem is rather that I tend to be way too proud to want to show interest in girls, until I am absolutely sure that they have shown some kind of interest in me, and I definitely notice a big difference in their behaviour around me when I happen to feel extra good about myself, and smile more than I usually do.
I guess my taciturn and reserved mannerisms intimidate them, as well as other people in general, and then causes this vicious circle where I get intimidated because they look intimidated around me as a result of me feeling intimidated. 😋

Edited March 16 by Peter86

[Foxhall]

17 hours ago, Peter86 said:

I have also heard that there is some sort of chess club or something at the school, and I enjoy chess a lot,

You probably enjoyed Beth Harmon (The Queens Gambit)

I dont know- I imagine there are plenty of women out there for you once you open up, on average most of us probably meet at least one potential suitable companion every year whether we are looking or quite possibly while we are not looking.

Im guessing you spend a fair amount of time alone, in your head and dreaming-   from my own experiences it is likely better not to over reminisce on past loves- it is always what is ahead that counts

It can be a challenge then when you meet someone to give that person the support they need- the ladies need reassurance to know that your going to be an engaged partner ,that they feel comfortable and at ease around you, to tell you whats on their mind,

It can be difficult to suddenly go from ten years single to meeting the same person on a regular basis,

so perhaps work on your human side - you know to show them your human and not on another planet (in your head) and so on,

when you do meet someone be prepared to let them into your life and vice versa.

 

 

[Peter86]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

You probably enjoyed Beth Harmon (The Queens Gambit)

I dont know- I imagine there are plenty of women out there for you once you open up, on average most of us probably meet at least one potential suitable companion every year whether we are looking or quite possibly while we are not looking.

Im guessing you spend a fair amount of time alone, in your head and dreaming-   from my own experiences it is likely better not to over reminisce on past loves- it is always what is ahead that counts

It can be a challenge then when you meet someone to give that person the support they need- the ladies need reassurance to know that your going to be an engaged partner ,that they feel comfortable and at ease around you, to tell you whats on their mind,

It can be difficult to suddenly go from ten years single to meeting the same person on a regular basis,

so perhaps work on your human side - you know to show them your human and not on another planet (in your head) and so on,

when you do meet someone be prepared to let them into your life and vice versa.

 

 

That is correct;
I have spent the vast majority of my time at my university by myself, either in my student apartment (where I live by myself) or during lectures, where I usually sit way in the back of the rooms by myself without saying anything, and I am tired of being in that comfort zone, so I have decided to challenge myself with at least one new slightly uncomfortable thing every day from now on, like maybe ask someone that I pass by a question about something, spend a bit more time at the school's night club, and so on.

I believe that one large part of this whole scenario for me is about "getting out there", and feeling like "part of the group", instead of "the guy who is alone while everyone else is part of the group".
I spent a lot of time with friends when I grew up, and this also made it easier to be flirty to girls in a relaxed manner, and that is what I am going to get back.

Edited March 16 by Peter86

[Foxhall]

6 hours ago, Peter86 said:

have spent the vast majority of my time at my university by myself, either in my student apartment (where I live by myself) or during lectures, where I usually sit way in the back of the rooms by myself without saying anything, and I am tired of being in that comfort zone, so I have decided to challenge myself with at least one new slightly uncomfortable thing every day from now on, like maybe ask someone that I pass by a question about something, spend a bit more time at the school's night club, and so on.

I believe that one large part of this whole scenario for me is about "getting out there", and feeling like "part of the group", instead of "the guy who is alone while everyone else is part of the group".
I spent a lot of time with friends when I grew up, and this also made it easier to be flirty to girls in a relaxed manner, and that is what I am going to get back.

Yes I find that fascinating , the mindset,

Ive probably been there,

well good you are on the verge of putting yourself out there- it only takes one spark or meeting the right person by chance and things will appear brighter.

[Peter86]

I feel like strength training helps a lot with managing these feelings, since it is a big outlet that also gives a healthy adrenaline rush.
If I feel that sting of longing while I am at at the gym, then I simply push myself to the max with a challenging weight that is as heavy as I can control, typically in bench press or something like that.

I have seen a few events at my university which will take place at various times this next week;
my plan right now is to basically just be present at those kinds of events whenever I can, and let any opportunities to have conversations with girls come naturally from there.

[smackie9]

The dynamics of attracting a girl is that they want you to be the pursuer. That's just the reality of it. If the girl isn't interested, so what. She's not going to consistently through out her day judge you for doing it....remember you are not THAT important for people obsess over what you have done...that YOU doing that. Being turned down is part of the game. Can't take it personally.

[Peter86]

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The dynamics of attracting a girl is that they want you to be the pursuer. That's just the reality of it. If the girl isn't interested, so what. She's not going to consistently through out her day judge you for doing it....remember you are not THAT important for people obsess over what you have done...that YOU doing that. Being turned down is part of the game. Can't take it personally.

I do have a good feel for the dating dynamics in themselves;
I am aware that they are supposed to be relaxed, without a lot of excessive expectations and jealousy etc, so I "get it" when it comes to that stuff.
My problem is more that I very rarely feel interested in a girl, and if I do feel interested in someone then that girl typically ends up being in a relationship, so it can sometimes feel a bit tricky for that reason.
But I will make sure to be more present in social situations from now on, when I have those opportunities;
I have a similar desire to rebuild the kind of general social net that I used to have back in school anyway, so I might as well start with that.
I generally find it easiest to learn to know people when I do activities with them, so I will look out for those kinds of things.

Edited March 17 by Peter86

[basil67]

On 3/16/2024 at 7:17 PM, Peter86 said:

I guess my taciturn and reserved mannerisms intimidate them, as well as other people in general, and then causes this vicious circle where I get intimidated because they look intimidated around me as a result of me feeling intimidated. 

I can't imagine that your behaviour provokes feeling of intimidation.  After all, intimidation comes from feeling someone is better or smarter or cleverer than us.  Rather, if it's a stranger and you're presenting as taciturn or reserved, I think they would see you as antisocial or just plain rude.

Always better to be your social self who can talk to anyone - this is what would make you far more approachable and likeable.  Then neither you or them feel uncomfortable

[Peter86]

On 3/18/2024 at 7:59 AM, basil67 said:

I can't imagine that your behaviour provokes feeling of intimidation.  After all, intimidation comes from feeling someone is better or smarter or cleverer than us.  Rather, if it's a stranger and you're presenting as taciturn or reserved, I think they would see you as antisocial or just plain rude.

Always better to be your social self who can talk to anyone - this is what would make you far more approachable and likeable.  Then neither you or them feel uncomfortable

I don't think that reserved mannerisms in themselves come off as rude.
I know a few people who are rather quiet and reserved a lot of the time, but they still come off as friendly, since they are polite to people.

As for my original post, I have got over those longing feelings that I started experiencing after that memory trigger about 2 weeks ago;
I had a rough time for a while where I constantly wished that I would become interested in someone again, and re-experience the mutual infatuated feelings and everything, but it doesn't bother me anymore.
My "self-therapy" during that time was to essentially just allow myself to crty when I felt that I wanted to do that, while at the same time focusing a lot on things that I enjoyed doing.
I will definitely still practise general social interactions when I get the chance, since I do feel that I have lost a lot of that side of myself as an adult.
I recently started some new courses at my university during this year's final quarter, and those courses will involve several laboratory work assignments in physics courses, and this will without a doubt involve lots of interactions with other people;
for some reason I seem to "come to life" a lot during situations where I have a concrete reason to talk to people, and I guess maybe this is partly because of the fact that I spent a lot of time with friends and other people during childhood, so that might be a good "foundation".

Edited March 26 by Peter86