Girlfriend doesn't want to live with me, even though we have just had a baby.

[saltnshake]

Hi,

I started going out with my girlfriend in August 2004. She lived with her Mum, and was just 20 miles away from me, 30 minutes in the car, two junctions on the M4. After 4 months she decided that she wanted to train to be a nurse, as she was unhappy with her job. Being madly in love with her, believing she was Miss Right, I offered to support her through the Nursing course, for as long as required until she started earning. She found a course quite close to me, which started in February. Around November I raised the question on whether she would like to move in with me and she said yes. My job means I’m away Mon through to Thursday during the week, sometimes Friday too, but I also try to labour from home when I can. On average I spend 4 nights a week at home.

 

My girlfriend was a little bored being at my home during the day, so it was a joint decision that she spend the days I’m home with me, and when I’m away she would stay at her Mums. Really she never moved in at all.

 

Come end of January, after a nice Christmas, my girlfriend announced to me she was pregnant. She had told me she was on the pill, so I was certainly surprised. We were both very happy, and it just seemed a continuation in our relationship. I certainly worshipped her and wanted to get engaged to her sometime later that year, before the birth of the child.

 

Come the day she was going to start the nursing course she said she was ill, which she was. She decided she couldn’t start the nursing course, as she was feeling ill all the time. I had no problems with this, but did want her to do something to stop her from getting bored.

 

At the end of February with the baby on the way, together we decided to change her car, as I had a two seater, and she had a three door. She was fond of her car, but I didn’t feel her car was particularly safe, and there were fears Rover was going through the hoop. So we traded it in for a lovely family car, which was put, under my name.

 

A couple of days later she regretted selling her car, and when I said why she said that she still had the car loan against her, yet had nothing in her name to show for it. I said to her, are we splitting up then, and she replied no. I was paying her loan anyway, so I said not to worry about it, and that was the end of the matter.

 

As the weeks went by she was still feeling poorly, and I started seeing less and less of her, even when I was at home. She stopped coming up to see me as often, or would come up for short visits. Perhaps she would stay over some nights, go home to her Mums during the day, with the assumption she was coming back later that day, but never did. This started to annoy me slightly as I was supporting her, bought her a car but yet never got to see her. When I say supporting her I was paying her £600 a month, £150 to live off and the rest was to pay off her combined car/credit card loan.

 

March time things had just got worse, and we had had a few arguments by then, because I wasn’t seeing her at all, unless I made the effort to go down to her Mums myself. Here I was supporting my girlfriend, who was supposed to be living with me, but instead was living full time down her Mums. She wasn’t working, so I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to spend time together.

 

Come I think end of March/April, my girlfriend decided that she was not able to live in my house, and wanted me to sell my house and move down close to her Family. To give you a bit of background on my home I live in a 1 year old large 4 bed detached, which is just an amazing family house, in a lovely area, with a nice big garden.

Because I loved this girl so much, I initially said yes, however after a couple of weeks I looked at the costs involved in moving, 3% stamp duty, redemption penalties etc. I realised I couldn’t really afford it and pulled the plug. To get a similar house to mine, it was going to cost me to burn around 20k. Having only moved earlier in the year, I had no savings. I pleaded with her to move in with me when the baby was born, but this wasn’t an option. I asked if I could move in with her mum, but this wasn’t an option either, although I did manage eventually to get a commitment of two weeks out of her.

 

This is where the relationship started to go drastically down hill. Here I was in a beautiful family home, all setup, supporting her, loving her, but she didn’t want to be here with me. She said she loved me, wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, but just hated the area where I lived, and would never live there. I asked her why she hated it, as really she new nothing about the area. She said it was just an emotion, and that she had no friends or family close by. Yet they were only 30 minutes away by car, so I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. Surely if you love someone, being with that person is more important than the place their living. Before she got pregnant she was staying with me all the time, couldn’t wait to come up.

 

The following month we ended up splitting up because of the house issue, but we got back on the premise I would buy a small house near to her home, however, I had to remortgage my home and sell my car in order to pay for everything. We found a house, and had an offer accepted. The following day, we had an argument again, because she wanted us each to have a car, because she likes to go out and about, and didn’t want to be stuck at home, if I happened to be out with the car instead. Because of this I decided her demands had gone too far so I pulled the plug on the house.

 

As a result we split up again. After a few weeks we kind of got back together, and then I started to talk about renting a property instead. She liked the sound of that, so we started looking. However I couldn’t sell my car and the remortgage was taking an age, and we ended up having another argument and split up once more.

 

Finally the remortgage came through. I offered to pay off her £9000 loan because she was going to go bankrupt. I couldn’t let her do this because it would affect her life forever and also would indirectly affect my unborn son too. After I paid this off, she said how could I ever of doubted you and we got back together.

 

In July I surprised her by taking her too a rented property. I said I would rent it out, but I still needed to sell my car, in order to afford everything. She seemed really happy and we both signed the six month contract, and moved in, in August. Rent was £550 a month, and usual bills on top. My car sold soon after and everything was a ok. We had one little tiff on the first weekend but that was it.

 

The baby was born in October and all was fine. A month or so later I started looking at how to manage the costs in order to buy our own home in the area. I didn’t want to rent long term, because it was money down the drain, and I was also paying mortgage and bills on my other home. I had to make a decision fairly quickly due to requiring a two months notice period, before having to sign for another 6 month contract. My bank account seemed to be getting lower and lower each month too.

 

I discussed this with my girlfriend, and thought it would be best that I move back to my home in February, she goes back to her Mums, as I new she wouldn’t come back with me, and then I would save for the move. On hearing this she went ballistic and said she was going to move out. I pleaded with her not too. I phoned up the landlord to see if we could have a shorter period of rental, rather than a six-month renewal, perhaps every two months instead. The landlord agreed. I told my girlfriend that we could stay here now, and I would sell my house, and we would save money that I was paying on the mortgage to help pay for the new house. She didn’t believe me so she packed her and the baby’s bags and moved out, back to her Mums.

 

I was absolutely devastated, not for the first time mind, as I had split up so many times before, but when losing your newborn son as well, I was just heart broken. However a week later we patched things up again and she wanted me back. She said she would move back into the rented house in a couple of weeks once the health visitor and midwife visits had stopped.

 

A couple of weeks went by and she told me she wasn’t going to move back into the rented house, because the bedroom was too small, but she would move back into my home until I sold the house. This was great news, so I was really over the moon with this. The following week, she said she was going to move back into my home and make it her home too. Wowza I thought, everything has now gone full circle and she is finally starting to talk some sense. She even sent me texts saying how she was looking forward to moving in. She sent me pictures texts too of her clothes when she hung them up in my wardrobes. She was so excited, and couldn’t wait to move in fully.

 

Last Thursday after moving in for six days she told me she was unhappy living in Newport. I brushed the conversation off, because I knew where it was going. I didn’t want the thought of losing her again, after what I went through last time. On the Sunday she brings the conversation up again, and say’s she is not happy living at my home, hates driving on the motorway, lots of crashes, and will be moving back to her Mum’s in January, as it wouldn’t be nice doing it over Christmas.

 

At this point I blew my top, and asked her to leave immediately. I contacted her sister and in the end her brother came up and took her and the little one back to her Mum’s, which is where they are now. She did say she would move back to the rented house together, but how could I believe that, after what she has just put me through.

 

I feel so shattered. I have given this girl my life for the past 16 months. I’ve given her every bit of emotion, help, assistance possible and I’ve loved her like nobody else I could ever love. I really don’t know what she wants. I’m at my wits end. For the life of me I can’t understand any of this. I can’t risk selling my house without us living together first, especially after what has happened. Does this seem unreasonable? I can’t face moving again and then losing her, my home, and therefore everything. That really would mess me up.

 

Can anybody help me understand any of this? What do I do now?

[magda]

I have noo idea. You're right though, that if she really loved you, she'd move mountains to be with you. I mean, within reason. And a 20 minute drive is certainly reasonable.

 

I don't get it. But I think you should keep her at a distance after all this. You've put up with more than anyone should have to. Maybe get an attorney to help you figure out custody/child support if that is an issue.

[slubberdegullion]

Her erratic behaviour sounds suspiciously like post-partum depression.

 

While Magda has a point about moving mountains, if your gf is in the throes of depression she's not thinking clearly anyway. So allow her some grace, and do the best you can. That's all you can really do anyway, I suppose.

 

Good luck.

[Rebellious]

Are you sure you are the father?

[Love is blind]

This girl sound like she really has a few problems with commitment. She also sounds incredibly spoilt and is used to getting her own way. How old is she? She definately do not seem to have much experience in the 'real' world.

 

A relationship is about give and take, and from the sound of it she seems to be doing all the taking and none of the giving. She makes a decision one second, then changes her mind the next. However, you are giving in to her and constantly changing your mind as well. You both need to make a decision and stick with it.

 

Firstly, if you want to save your relationship, I would suggest that you both lay down some rules. Firstly, decide where you will live. You have three options 1. Stay in your current house, 2. Keep your current house and rent closer to her family, 3. Sell your current house and buy something new, in an area you BOTH like.

 

You both need to come to a decision and stick with it. Make it very clear that she cannot change her mind once the decision is made, so she needs to think carefully about the decision and be sure that it one she can keep. In fairness to the girl, you also need to stop changing your mind and not give into her in future.

 

You may need to seek some independent advice regarding this, possibly a counsellor or other health services.

 

I would beckon to guess that this issue is not the sole issue in your relationship, and you really need to work out the other issues. I am guessing that your girlfriend is unhappy/dissapointed/confused with more than just the house. You should try (together) to work out what these issues and form a plan to fix them. I also ask about her mother, is she 'toxic' or otherwise a bad influence? I am not trying to be insulting here, but to myself it seems a little strange, that your pregnant girlfriend, now the mother of your child would want to live with her mother and spend so much time there. Surely she has grown up enough to realise her loyalities should lay with you, her boyfriend.

 

You should both remember that the decision is not just about the two of you now. You should be making the best decision for all of you as a family unit. You now have your son to consider in the equation. So think long, hard and carefully about the decision you make. Remember, this girl will always be a part of your life from now on. You cannot erase her from your life and nor can she from hers. In having a child together, whether you like it or not, you HAVE made a commitment to each other. She should realise that she has this commitment and she cannot continue carrying on the way she has been. She really needs to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt child and think what is in the best interests of her child. (and herself too.) You should do the same.

[saltnshake]

I believe I am the biological father based on what she said, we were certainly going at it like rabbits, so i think it's safe to say he's my own flesh and blood.

 

I did have my doubts early on, as to whether she intentionally got pregnant, but I've talked this through with her, and I'm convinced it was just one of those things.