VAGirl Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. I am 28 and he is 34. We have had our ups and downs, as does everyone, but for the most part it's been a wonderful relationship. This summer I purchased an apartment and he moved in with me. Our plan was to live there for a year and then get married-rent to place out or sell it and use the money to move somewhere together. Well, 3 months into living together he told me that he had not been happy since we moved in and that it (of course) was not me but him, that he thought at this point, he should WANT to get married, that he should FEEL IT, but he didn't. So, we took some time apart. He moved back into his old house with his old roommates, for 2 months. He went home for Thanksgiving and when he came back he came over and said that he had been a fool, he loved me, that he didn't want to look back at the end of his life and see that I wasn't in it, I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he wanted to make us work, fix things, do whatever it took...etc. All the wonderful things I wanted to hear. Well, this week, all of 2 weeks later, he has said that he still doesn't feel it, that he convinced himself that coming back to me was the right thing to do, but he still didn't have the "feeling." He said he is just miserable and doesn't know what is wrong with him. He loves me, there is no doubt of this, but he just doesn't want to progress to the next step and he said that I needed to know that. I am on an emotional roller coaster. In those months without him I was depressed, mad, then started to accept things, and then he comes back and I am overjoyed and now I am at rock bottom. I don't know what to do. We are suppose to talk this evening again. Any advice? I love this man more than anything and WANT this to work and I will try anything....HELP!
NYCmitch25 Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I am on an emotional roller coaster. In those months without him I was depressed, mad, then started to accept things, and then he comes back and I am overjoyed and now I am at rock bottom. I don't know what to do. We are suppose to talk this evening again. Any advice? I love this man more than anything and WANT this to work and I will try anything....HELP! Maybe you can't possibly live without him, maybe you define yourself though him, maybe you define your future solely on your terms w/him playing a key part (not role)... In other words maybe you are sufficating him with codependancy issues? Obviously I don't know you but you seem too attached, that generally the best way to push a guy away... are you controlling and needy? It's obvious that I could be 100% wrong since I'm asking/guessing at possible things. I'll wait for your reply before commenting.
Author VAGirl Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 You are right you are 100% wrong. The person you describe is not me at all. Before he came back saying he'd been a fool, etc., I was at the point of being alright with the fact that things were the way they were and could face the possibility of moving on with my life w/o him, etc. In fact, we did not speak but a handful of times in the 2 months that we took time apart. So, thanks, but you are indeed incorrect.
JayKay Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 VA Girl, I don't know what to say except some guys have some major-league freakouts when it comes to long term committment and intimacy. The worst thing you can do is try to convince him or push him into it. I think you gave him a chance already and, sadly, he has not been able to prove he has the maturity level to handle things. It's almost like giving some a promotion at work that they're not designed for. Think about it, many people love the IDEA of being a CEO of a company, but if you put them in that position they would choke under the pressure. So in other words, he may love the IDEA of being with you, but he can't handle the reality. He wants to be with you but he doesn't want the responsibility of a more serious relationship. I'd move on and move forward. He may get his s*** together at some point and you may want to renegotiate things. But at this point, he is messing with your head and your heart. 1
NYCmitch25 Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 You are right you are 100% wrong. The person you describe is not me at all. Before he came back saying he'd been a fool, etc., I was at the point of being alright with the fact that things were the way they were and could face the possibility of moving on with my life w/o him, etc. In fact, we did not speak but a handful of times in the 2 months that we took time apart. So, thanks, but you are indeed incorrect. Thanks for replying, I guess in saying "I'm wrong" would assume I made an educated guess, but I didn't even do that so I guess I "guessed wrong" LOL (but then again many people can't admit their own faults ;-) ). I'm trying to figure out if he just doesn't want to be with you or if he isn't ready for commitment yet, I'm also trying to figure out what issues are going on as well... all from one paragraph which is almost impossible. Sorry, I'm digressing.. From two paragraghs of information I see that you simply just have genuine feelings for him and you rightfully feel that this is the time in life when the big "M" should be on the table. Over four years is such a long time and he obviously had known that it was comming -- and seemingly rejected that idea. Generally moving in together is the last step before marriage, in fact apx 70% of American couples do it these days. In your case, this seemingly failed to work out and asking why is the great question. Not only was he not interested in the big "M" but he felt it neccessary for him to move out and cease even living together. What was the impitus for this and did it seem like a big shock to you? How was the relationship during that time, a lot of fighting, or more of the same, or spent way more time together, did you have "new rules" or in your terms "goals"? Again, it appears that I'm focusing in on you, and in a sense I am because these are things *you* can change, and his potential fear of relationships really is impossible to resolve. Basically you can't can make something happen when two party's aren't in agreement, I suggest you find a good time to discuss your future with him, and in doing so pay attention to his body language and feelings to see if he is still committed. ps. tell us a little about him, is he a 34 year old man-child? Does he still act like he just wants to hang with his buddys (are any of them married/long terms)? what are his parents like married/divorsed?
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