After the dust settles

[sick of it]

This kind of goes along with my earlier thread about picking up the pieces.

 

Ive began rationalizing again. my emotions are in check. the past few months after the breakup, after finding out about the other guy, after the begging and pleading...my mind is back in check.

 

I keep reading about how NC is good because you leave with dignity, respect, all that jazz. i obviously didnt do that. And even though anyone i talk to says shes the bad guy...i end up feeling like the bad guy because of how i naturally reacted to this. pushing her away.

 

Now ive grown up a lot in these months. i understand breakups happen. and im over the breakup. yes i still miss her and everything that was. but i dont think pushing someone out of your life who meant that much to you is really appropriate.

 

is there a way to earn the respect again? is there a way to approach the situation and earn back some dignity. i didnt want to leave like that. for all those people that found this site after theyve reacted. is there an appropriate way to "apologize" for being hurt? does anyone understand what im saying?

[melon]

I don't know how to answer this question, and find myself in the same prediciment. Like you, I didn't go into no contact until I made the classic mistakes as well. Like you, I would like to make things better but don't know how.

 

Does anybody have suggestions other than "just give it time"? What have other people done in this situation? I'm curious too.

[Kengne II]

 

is there a way to earn the respect again? is there a way to approach the situation and earn back some dignity. i didnt want to leave like that. for all those people that found this site after theyve reacted. is there an appropriate way to "apologize" for being hurt? does anyone understand what im saying?

 

I think the only way to earn back some dignity is to LEAVE HER ALONE FOR A WHILE... and then perhaps, if you so choose, call her up to apologize.

 

When I broke up with my ex M of 4 years.. he made a lot of classic mistakes... he was very rude & nasty to me, & said a lot of hurtful things which pushed me further & further away... it got to a point where we HAD to go into NC cuz he was just actin' too crazy...

 

We didnt talk for about 2 weeks the first time.

 

After 2 weeks he called me up calmly... and apologized for all the rude things he'd said. After 2 weeks, my emotions had calmed down enough where I could accept his apology.

 

But that's just me. I'm naturally a very forgiving person. For your ex, 2 weeks or even 2 mths may not be enough time for the dust to settle for her.

 

In any case... there really is nothing more you can do to apologize for hurting her, when she hurt you by breaking up. And better yet, why are you so concerned about HER feelings when from the look of it there was another guy involved???

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

K.

[sick of it]

heres the thing....

i havent said a single hurtful thing. everything has been about loving her and what she means to me and how ive fixed the problems that we had. yes, there is another man. i know that. and i probably made her feel guilty for it.

but never once did i say a nasty, mean, spiteful, dirty thing to her. i cried a lot. i pleaded. i lost my dignity and her respect. thats what im looking to get back.

id also like to point out that i never acted like that to her before. i havent been an overly emotional person. sensitive yes, but not emotional. i let everything hang out because i honestly thought she wanted to see how much i cared for her. so i bashed my dignity and lost her respect. how can i MAYBE or POSSIBLY get that back?

[Becoming]

heres the thing....

i havent said a single hurtful thing. everything has been about loving her and what she means to me and how ive fixed the problems that we had. yes, there is another man. i know that. and i probably made her feel guilty for it.

but never once did i say a nasty, mean, spiteful, dirty thing to her. i cried a lot. i pleaded. i lost my dignity and her respect. thats what im looking to get back.

id also like to point out that i never acted like that to her before. i havent been an overly emotional person. sensitive yes, but not emotional. i let everything hang out because i honestly thought she wanted to see how much i cared for her. so i bashed my dignity and lost her respect. how can i MAYBE or POSSIBLY get that back?

 

Why is showing someone how much you care undignified? I think you have nothing to regret.

 

Could it be that you just want an excuse to break NC? No judgment--it happens.

 

You're gonna make somebody a wonderful SO someday.

[CaliGuy]

heres the thing....

i havent said a single hurtful thing. everything has been about loving her and what she means to me and how ive fixed the problems that we had.

 

You can do that by sticking to NC. Let her come to you, that is the ideal (and only) situation where it's going to work.

 

 

yes, there is another man. i know that.

 

Then all you can do is stay away now. That relationship has to fail on it's own. Any interference from you will just create resentment from her. I recently dealt with a similar situation and have learned that while they are with someone else, rarely (if ever) do they think of you. When the relationship fails, if it does, they might want to talk to you to see if you have changed but more than likely they will try someone else first.

 

and i probably made her feel guilty for it. but never once did i say a nasty, mean, spiteful, dirty thing to her.

 

Neither did I and look, we're in the same boat.

 

i cried a lot. i pleaded. i lost my dignity and her respect. thats what im looking to get back.

 

Once you lose your dignity and respect it's extremely difficult to get it back. The best way is to stick to NC and let her come to you. She might poke around to see if you've changed and any begging to get her back will put a fork in it most likely forever. Focus on improving your confidence and self-respect.

 

id also like to point out that i never acted like that to her before. i havent been an overly emotional person. sensitive yes, but not emotional. i let everything hang out because i honestly thought she wanted to see how much i cared for her. so i bashed my dignity and lost her respect. how can i MAYBE or POSSIBLY get that back?

 

Stick to NC. Don't bug her. Don't make any contact whatsoever. That's the only chance. Anything you do to try and manipulate her or twist her arm will just prove to her she is right about you. Focus on healing yourself. Either way, you're going to win.

 

She either comes back or you'll be healed and find someone much better for you. NC is a win/win situation when it's implemented to the full degree. If she does make contact, make darn sure your head in screwed on straight and never act like you need her. You want her in your life, sure. But you don't need her.

 

Right now she doesn't feel that way. It's too much pressure. She's with someone else now. Chances are she won't be open to any communication or displays that try and prove you've changed. It won't matter.

[In Sync]

I'm one of those newly reformed hardcore believers of NC. If you keep asking yourself why you want to apologize to her, especially since she broke it off from you, underneathe it all, is the simple truth...you want to be in contact with her. You think your actions will change her reaction and feelings towards you. It won't. What's in her mind is in her mind.

Apologies really only serve to you feel better. If you have done nothing why apologize for what being upset because someone broke off their relationship with you, That's understandable and one needn't apologize for feel hurt.

 

Do yourself a favor (because if you are doing NC) see the need for wanting to apologize as equivlent to a junkie who will conjole or smile or do anything for a quick fix. Stick it out and simply live with what happen. There's no perfect breakup. Accept it, forgive yourself and move on.

[itwontdawnsooner]

you reacted the way you did because you cared. you became desperate, you clawed and screamed at what you knew was fading away. natural, understandable, and can be degrading too. dignity now, comes from saying to yourself "yes i acted how i did. it was the only way i could at the time. i don't care about any of that now, it's in the past and so are you. i have nothing more to say, there is nothing to say."

 

silence, no matter what happened before, can be dignity.

[starblitz]

OK here's my situation,

 

Yes, out of desperation to salvage whatever's left, I did beg for him to reconsider. Then we went on a 'break' instead of a 'break-up' for a few months. Then he decided that he wants to close 'our' chapter from his life, so we've broken up.

 

But he didn't want us to go on NC, but I insisted. So the NC is my decision, and I told him that I will be in touch when I am ready. I know that at the moment, I am nowhere near ready, and I don't think I ever will be able to be ready. Although I don't want to lose him completely out of my life.

 

What do I do...? Leave it for a few months and then call him? Never call him? Wait until he calls, and if he never does, means that's it?

[sick of it]

Should i let the ex know about NC?

i ahd been NC for a month and was feeling much better. She called last week to say merry x-mas. we chit chatted and it killed me. i just wanted to tell her how i felt. but she has a new guy and it would be inappropriate. since the phone call, my mind has been working overtime imagining things and creating situations, reading too much into the "merry x-mas".

my birthday is on friday and she may call. and then new years is the next day which has always been a special night for us. do i tell her not to call me even though they are calls out of friendship? i still want her after 7 months. how do i say i want you in my life, dont call me anymore without appreciating the phone calls?

also, im moving away in a few weeks to go back to grad school. do i make one last stand and tell her how i still feel and how ive changed?

[pippen_2k]

Look what that one call did to ya?

 

Its messing you up, so turn your phone off and dont turn it on till after you have moved.

 

So No dont call her, dont put yourself in a situation to get called or text messaged, and DO NOT spill your heart to this women again, especially now that she is with another man.

 

You will look pathetic and do nothing but hurt yourself with another dose of rejection.

[sick of it]

pippen

turning my phone off for 3 weeks isnt an option. but does that mean dont answer her phone calls? if she leaves a voicemail...delete it? isnt that rude? cant i tell her....

listen____, i appreciate the phone calls, and i dont want you out of my life. but you dont want to be in it the way that i want you. you made the decision, not me. as much as i want to talk to you and be friends with you, i cant do it and im sorry that its like that. i wish it werent. you know how i feel about you and ill always be here if you need me. but i read into everything you say because of the way i feel. thats not fair to either me or you. i dont know what will make me stop and even though i want to know about you and your life, i dont see how i can do it and move on (if thats what you want me to do) without not talking to you.

[In Sync]

starblitz and sick of it:

 

Listen guys/gals, You do have control over your actions. Lay off the phones and cell phones to these Ex's. If they truly want to get back with you they would. I am speaking from experience of wanting to have desperately wanting to cntact my ex, in the hopes that something, some little word would change and make everything nice again. I AM GLAD I DIDN'T. Back when I had broken NC, I was a mess. An emotional mess. Then at a crucial point when he didn't really respond the way that I had hope during the time of a personal family loss, I realized he's not a friend, he's offering crumbs and finally I saw the benefit of NC. I was so let down..it was devastating. So when people say NC, it's not lightly...it's to spare you deeper pain and hurt.

Walk away with what pride and integrity you have. There's no need to explain toi them anything..your silence will be enough of an explanation.

If they TRULY love you and want you in their lives..THEY WILL CALL YOU.

Otherwise, build your life and find the love you deserve.

[sick of it]

im sorry...i dont really understand. im not initiating any contact. i havent been. i havent in a long time. i MAY get a phone call on my birthday in a few days. do i say anything like what i said above? do i be rude and not answer or respond?

In Sync, like you, ive been broken up for a long time, 7 months. i feel like i should be over her. and im not by any means. i wish i could be at your place of knowing the ex isnt worth it...but im not. i just plain love her. i wish it were different because it would make things easier. but its not. in the way that you just fall in love with someone...im guessing you just fall out of love with someone and im waiting...still waiting....

she has someone else which makes it really hard but i cant concern myself with that..only with how i feel. everyone says NC is the answer...well in the past 4 months ive spoken with her maybe 7 times. NC has helped with my emotions but my feelings have not changed. this has been my first x-mas/ new years alone in 6 years. im sappy and romantic and dream of the movie reconciliation...as unrealistic as it is. im just waiting for my feelings to go away...is there anything else i can do?

[bendit]

If you contact her again, it will simply further delay the HEALING of your life...at seven months in a strict NC ending, you would be more than ready to move on. You have not been NC at all and that is exactly why you are so stuck. Instead of being mostly beyond it, here you are trying to take more of the blame for what happened and you feel guilty for being dumped or causing the destruction of the relationship and being replaced by another. Its this mentality actually, the weak victim guilty role you play that is a part of the dysfunction of the relationship. Its a DEPENDENCE actually, on this other person, and that can be a burden on this other person who posssibly could not handle your neediness.

 

LET GO. Yes don't take her calls or return them. Never contact her, at least for a long long time when you are DONE with it. Its over and its never ever going to be what you dreamed it would. I am sorry but this is reality. You have to wake up and face reality. You made mistakes she made mistakes.

 

I just read something and this teacher said only when you can SMILE at your mistakes and really really mean it, then you are at the point of accepting them and how it all turned out between her and yourself. NO MORE CONTACT. Change your numbers block the IM block the email and never call her. Don't even tell her you are doing this.

 

Tell yourself you did the very best you could and so did she. It was a massive and profound learning experience and it will continue to be as you move forward inch by inch until you get to the point that you can SMILE about the whole thing. All the best to you.

 

Regards

[bendit]

starblitz and sick of it:

 

If they TRULY love you and want you in their lives..THEY WILL CALL YOU.

Otherwise, build your life and find the love you deserve.

 

 

I have to take exception here. They don't call you because they love you. They call you out of NEED. Yes when they call after telling you they no longer want you in their life, its not because they still love you. Its out of need. So don't fall into the trap that says if THEY call then you can have contact. You can't. If they are doing the back and forth and not letting you move on, that is NOT love. That is ABUSE. Its cruel. What is the exception to this? The exception is that if they BREAK YOUR DOOR down and tell you what has CHANGED in THEM that can make it all work now. And even then, I would be very very careful, go very very slow, and watch what they do and not what they say.

[In Sync]

What is the exception to this? The exception is that if they BREAK YOUR DOOR down and tell you what has CHANGED in THEM that can make it all work now. And even then, I would be very very careful, go very very slow, and watch what they do and not what they say.

 

Who the blazin' devil breaks down doors these days except firemen!

[LexiB]

Who the blazin' devil breaks down doors these days except firemen!

 

 

 

 

But anyway, I agree with bendit. You say it's too painful to just be friends with her so at this point anything short of a full on apology/proclamation of love from her isn't worth considering. It's not being mean it's being healthy and kind to yourself.

[renaissancewoman101]

Then all you can do is stay away now. That relationship has to fail on it's own. Any interference from you will just create resentment from her. I recently dealt with a similar situation and have learned that while they are with someone else, rarely (if ever) do they think of you. When the relationship fails, if it does, they might want to talk to you to see if you have changed but more than likely they will try someone else first.

Caliguy posted this.

 

So, once a ex SO other enters another relationship, they dont give a thought to their ex, even though they might have had a good two year relationship until the end. So, if you leave them alone in their new relationship, if it does fail, the chances of them coming back to you are nil??? Dont they ever miss what they had with you even when at the end it was a bad ending due to neglect on my part??? Dont people have compassion for anybody anymore???

[ashley83]

I looove your avatar LexiB!

[LexiB]

I looove your avatar LexiB!

 

 

thank ya darlin!

[sick of it]

renaissancewoman101, thats what i wish for.

whats the point in fixing problems ina relationship if the person youre fixing it for doesnt want to see the corrections? i was with my ex for 5.5 yrs...obviously we must have gotten along and something changed at the end. well i dont understand how you dont ever want to be with theat person again. maybe its a maturity thing and thats why i dont get it. but i dont understand how you would want to throw everything away especially when one is so willing to fiz the problems.

i want to stick around so that if the ex's rleationship fails, i can show what ive changed and fixed.

[LexiB]

ii want to stick around so that if the ex's rleationship fails, i can show what ive changed and fixed.

 

 

It's not that people are saying you shouldn't want to be with your ex anymore. It's understandable that you do. But hanging around and putting your life on hold for an "IF" (as in "IF" her new relationship fails and "IF" she wants to get back together with you) is not healthy. You said yourself that being around her but not being with her is hurting you. That's why for the time being you need to let go and redirect your energies to yourself.

 

Now IF everything w/ the new guy does fall through and IF she wants another chance with you, you won't have to be around to "show" her anything. She'll find a way to get in contact with you. That's what love and relationships are about--both sides have to be ready and willing to work on things.

 

Your eagerness is sweet but it isn't going to bring you anything but more pain unless she's just as eager as you are (trust me, I've been there!). you gotta move on.

[sick of it]

LexiB, you point out something vey true. Both sides have to be willing. its hard to forget that at one point both were willing. Now only one is willing. Its very hard to accept that. Once both arent willing anymore...its officially dead. I dont think i want to face that.