Trapped and broken hearted..help!

[SweptAway]

Hi all,

 

I'm new and in need of advice. This post is probably going to sound the same as everyone elses but I'm hanging desperately onto the tiny hope that my siuation is different.

 

I met the most wonderful man at work. Well boy. He is 22. I am 23. I was instantly attracted to him but was in a relationship at the time but it was a dying relationship. As I became more attracted to this man, I decided to end my relationship of four years. Not because I was after the man at work specifically, but he did help me see that my current relationship was truly over and done with.

 

He flirted with me a lot and I reciprocated. The chemistry between us was so obvious and everyone noticed it. We get along so well, so much in common, so much fun together, endless conversations etc etc. And then I hear a rumour that he has a girlfriend. I assume that because he has never mentioned her, it was not true. Then one day, out of the blue and throws in "...my girlfriend..." into a conversation. I kind of suspected there was a girlfriend but...? I brushed it off. After that, whenever he mentioned her (not often) it was always something negative about her. I figured he wasn't happy and was looking for a way out. I stupidly assumed that the way out was through me.

 

Then one night we went out as a group. I end up at a house with him and a few friends. Later that night, we end up snogging for hours, cuddling etc. The whole night he had been touching me and holding my hand. It was just all going my way.

 

The day after, the awkwardness sets in. I decide to be an adult and demand to know what was going on. I told him that it wasn't the wine talking and I just wanted to be with him. He was confused, upset. He told his g/f and I thought he would leave her for me. But he didn't. He said he didn't want to throw away three years but what the hell...?? He said he wasn't happy with her, its and on and off relationship and he's only 22! I don't know why he chased me like that. He said he didn't want a fling with me, that he wanted more but was so confused. I told him I wouldnt wait around. But it looks like im doing that anyway.

 

Following this, he decides to stay with her but 'doesn't know what will happen with that relationship'. We decide to be good friends because we have to work with each other. Then he tells me all this personal stuff and tells me how much he trusts me and how much he loooooves talking to me. We have such long meaningful conversations and I really like being around him too. I want to be around him all the time.

 

I can't stand this stringing along. He throws all these compliments my way. If he doesn't, I get upset. If he ignores me, I get upset. I know they never leave their partners. I just cant help but think things may go my way. I don't beleive that he is cunning enough to be screwing with my head, just to fuel his ego. Or maybe he doesn't realise he is doing it. I told him I didn't know how I could believe what he says anymore. He is the sweetest person, and he has regretted what has happened and how he could have ruined our friendship. What friendship? We were after each other from the get go. Aaaargh. Why didnt he mention the girlfriend from the start? I never would have become this involved.

 

I'm so torn. Normally I would have told him to hit the road by now but I cant bring myself to do it because of the emotional connection we have. Most days I'm ok with the idea of being just friends, but how can we when there is always going to be sexual tension between us? Why did he come after me like that if he didnt know what he wanted? Why do I think he is so amazing when he has hurt me so badly?

 

I see him everyday. Everyday I pray that he will turn around and say something to change it all and I'm constantly dissapointed when it doesn't happen. He just treats me like a princess and I melt when Im around him. I'm torturing myself. What do I do???!! Am I not seeing him for the person he is? My friends are all telling me to forget him but I just cant help the way I feel. I cant help crying over him all teh time and getting angry. I feel so stupid for all of this.

 

Any advice?

 

Sorry if this makes no sense Im typing through tears and too much wine.

[whichwayisup]

And then I hear a rumour that he has a girlfriend. I assume that because he has never mentioned her, it was not true. Then one day, out of the blue and throws in "...my girlfriend..." into a conversation. I kind of suspected there was a girlfriend but...? I brushed it off. After that, whenever he mentioned her (not often) it was always something negative about her. I figured he wasn't happy and was looking for a way out. I stupidly assumed that the way out was through me.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I think in a way you chose NOT to see the full picture, right from the start. The rumours and he did mention girlfriend briefly. The truth was there...Just he wasn't going to 'announce' loudly and you weren't going to activily ask outright. With that being said, seems he was having fun with you. Not meanly or malciously, just not thinking of what it all could mean...

 

He has already told you he isn't breaking up with her, so you have two choices. Continue flirting and putting yourself out there for a guy who more than likely isn't going to take the bait or just walk away. Keep it casual and light at work but after that DO not call him or see him outside of work.

 

I don't know what else to say. Keep posting!!

[Arianna72]

I am going through kinda the same thing right now only with a couple more complications in the mix. It is hard to let go of someone when you feel that emotional connection. Thus far being friends seems to be working for me but it is definetly hard.

[Sami_D]

I hear a rumour that he has a girlfriend. I assume that because he has never mentioned her, it was not true. Then one day, out of the blue and throws in "...my girlfriend..." into a conversation. I kind of suspected there was a girlfriend but...? I brushed it off. After that, whenever he mentioned her (not often) it was always something negative about her. I figured he wasn't happy and was looking for a way out. I stupidly assumed that the way out was through me.

 

Assumptions and hopes on your part, and conveniently 'not mentioning it but mentioning it like it means nothing' on his part. Not good, and a common beginning to an A.

 

He told his g/f and I thought he would leave her for me. But he didn't. He said he didn't want to throw away three years but what the hell...?? He said he wasn't happy with her, its and on and off relationship and he's only 22! I don't know why he chased me like that. He said he didn't want a fling with me, that he wanted more but was so confused.

 

What did he tell his g/f? And... you don't have to 'leave' a g/f. At the ages you are, it's a formality (sorry if I am offending anyone here, but)... a few years of knowing eachother, no real commitment. Ending it with her is next to nothing. If he can't do that, then just ignore him. 'so confused' HA HA. In this kind of situation, confused = tell me the words that would make it OK for you.

 

Then he tells me all this personal stuff and tells me how much he trusts me and how much he loooooves talking to me. We have such long meaningful conversations...

 

BS words, nonsense... 'I'm confused' blah blah blah.

 

He throws all these compliments my way. If he doesn't, I get upset. If he ignores me, I get upset.

 

HOW come you're upset if he doesn't pile a load of BS in your direction..? You're identifying behaviour of your own which isn't really healthy... you know that.

 

I know they never leave their partners. I just cant help but think things may go my way. I don't beleive that he is cunning enough to be screwing with my head, just to fuel his ego.

 

Never leave their partners... Well, actually 'they' do. Rarely. But those figures are for men who are married, not kids who are just messing around with one or two g/fs... You're talking about someone who has a g/f. There are (presumably) no kids, no joint property, no expectations, no in-laws. 'never leaving' shouldn't even be a consideration for you. There has been no real commitment (to her) on his part.

 

... he has regretted what has happened

 

Well that's nice. If he already regrets what happened between you.. you're history.

 

Why didnt he mention the girlfriend from the start? I never would have become this involved.

 

 

Well you heard 'rumours' there was a g/f. Presumably it was common knowledge. And then he mentioned her, and you imagined her away...

 

I think that most of the things going on in this R would be sorted out with a little clear-thinking. I hope some more people will post on this thread because I think it would help you to see more clearly.

[SweptAway]

It's starting to get clearer now. I've asked 100 people for advice and a different message from each of them just makes all of this even more confusing. I'm normally a completely rational person. I know that this situation is completely stupid, he's not worth this, I deserve better and it boils down to the fact that he is a big fat baby who has put the whole me+him+leaving his girlfriend in the too hard basket and has talked himself into thinking he is totally ok with this situation. Honestly, "dont want to throw away three years.." is BS. I know it translates to "I'm taking the easy option" because at 21, there is nothing to throw away. Like you said, no kids, no mortgage etc etc. Its not like he's going top be with her at 44. Sheesh.

 

I saw him together with her today. I didn't get upset, I laughed and thought of what a pushover he is. And that she was wearing his testicles in a jar around her neck. HA HA.

 

I know what the right answers are. I know that I should walk away. I'm seeing clearly at the moment, but the clarity comes and goes.

 

And reading through other posts I realise how petty my issue is, but I guess it's all relative. It's still hard. I dunno, I'll get there. I'll just try to ignore him or his BS at least. I was stupid to think he was different to the other lying barstads I've dated.

[Sami_D]

Good for you! Just try to keep thinking that way, and you'll be ok. He might be different from the others you've dated... but he's still, as you put it, a 'big, fat baby'. And you can definitely do better than that.