Anonymous Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 My husband & I have been married around 3 years. I'm a jealous person I suppose, was brought up porn was wrong, divorce should only be done when adultery takes place, pretty much sheltered my whole life. I get jealous about naked women, porno, his friends who are girls hugging (but in a close, tight & long hug). I started showing signs of my insecurities/jealousy about a year into the marriage I believe. He would get angry after seeing it, and would download porn to "make me get over my jealousy/insecurities". I begged him to stop, that it hurt me more than helped me. Finally he sacrificed it for me. Also, this man hasn't had a job the whole time we've been together, partly because of me I suppose. I had an "at home job" that brought in some money and we did great for awhile (around 1 1/2 years). This online job eventually crushed all the self-esteem I had, and my husband was addicted to the money. I asked him to please let me quit and him to get a job, but he said that I wanted to take the responsibility and that I need to stick to it. Really, I think it is just that he's lazy and spoiled now, and now I know that a woman cannot be the one wearing the pants in the house lol. I asked him for help on working but he refused. So I quit the online job and went out and applied somewhere and got hired. I've worked there for at least a year and he hasn't even gotten a job still...At first I was okay with working there, and then afterwards, it's like "Why the hell do I do this? He's not doing a damn thing"...I'm afraid to quit because I'm afraid we'll lose everything. He's the type of person you can't suggest anything for him to do, he sees it as telling him what to do. He's immature for the most part. The least he could do is clean house, wash some clothes, fix dinner, but instead, I'm the one having to do it. We live in a cold, "shack" but that doesn't motivate him enough to go to work and provide a safer, warmer place to live. Since working at that place, I agreed to not be emotionally jealous about naked women in movies, and he agreed not to look at porn, and so everything was pretty good. Now, there is this girl, who has been his friend about all his life, he tells me. We used to hang out with her, not often, but I've never became "good friends" with her, just a social friend. She's the non-modest, dresses to where her boobs sometimes "fall out" and just her personality isn't modest. She cheats on her boyfriends and she has lied to me about something before (something that was totally stupid), which makes me wonder if she'd lie to me again. My husband, that i know of, has only lied/kept something from me once, and we resolved it and moved on. Now, usually while I'd been working at my current job (have had this job for around a year), he hardly went to his female friend's house. Then he went through this spurt of going to her house for like a week straight, while I was at work. He says, she usually IMs him and asks if he wants to hang out/come over to her house (it's always him going to her house, she never comes to our house , sometimes he'll stop by her house after dropping me off to work, sometimes she calls him and asks) He drives me to work, and picks me up from work, as I have no license. He said he goes over there because he's bored at home, and when our house is too cold to stay in at night (I work night shift). What I find is odd, is that they communicate usually after I'm at work, and that is when he goes to her house. He has drank alcohol over there with her, but he says he only drinks one drink. They watch movies, they play on her computer, they sometimes go out to eat like a trip to JITB or Taco Bell, but they usually never stop to see me on my lunch break, and those places they eat at are on the way or a little past where I work. One time, they came to where I work, while I was on my lunch break, but they didn't come there to see me, they came there to talk to someone for a few minutes then leave. Why couldn't my husband make the effort to come see me while he was there? And him showing up with her looked really strange to other people. He hardly ever cares to come see me anyhow. Well, anyhow, after that week of him hanging out at her house while I'm at work, he stopped doing it, I guess he was occupied in other things to do it. Now, around a week ago today, he started going back over there, just him and her, and of course, the communication is usually done while I'm already at work, after he drops me off. I started getting this feeling that something was going on behind my back. I didn't talk about it until a few days ago. (Now I've asked him before about what he does there, and I guess he felt like he was being interrogated, BUT, since I am his wife, I feel I have a right to know, but I'm not going to ask in a demanding tone, or like I think he's already doing something wrong - I always ask him in a casual friendly way, but automatically gets upset....) Anyhow, after he picks me up from work I ask "So what'd ya'll do last night?" and the first time he said "We watched a movie, played on her computer, then I went to sleep"...He stuttered though, when saying this. It's very very rare that he stutters on his words, the only time he has stuttered is if he's explaining something and he stutters, which then he gets mad and says "**** it" or something. But this time, he didn't get mad - maybe he was too much in thought about making up a lie?? I dunno... Well, the next night I was at work, he was back at her house...When he picked me up I asked him what they did, and this time he mumbles "I dunno...." and I'm thinking "What the hell??"... That morning, he had forgotten something of her's that he took with him, so we stopped by her house to return it. I ran it to the door, it took her a bit to come to the door, after returning it, I got back in the car. He says "So what'd she say?" I said "Uhh, she said "Sorry!!"" (she had apologized to me for coming to the door so late, because it was so cold that morning) and he got all nervous and said "Why'd she say that??" and I said "Because it took her awhile to get to the door" and then he seemed relieved. I said "Why are you so uptight?" He goes "Because you interrogate me and ask me questions about what we do" or something like that...As I said, I feel I have a right, especially if it's the opposite sex and if there was a small "past". So after that morning, I didn't ask anymore what they do. That night, when he took me to work, I said "I've gotta ask you something, are you guys doing anything that would upset me, behind my back?" And he said "No! You don't trust me" blah blah blah. He finally admitted that she's hugged him while it was just him and her, but it was because she was sad. I Know how she hugs and it's not just a casual hug, it's tight, close and she clings on to him, and she does it right in front of me, so I can imagine what it's like behind my back, just them 2 alone) I told him I was uncomfortable with him going over there alone with her, and especially uncomfortable with her hugging/touching him while I'm not there. I asked him if he could at least not hug her or whatever when I'm not there. He says NO! He's gonna do what he wants to do, he says... We argued about it for a bit, then I just told him okay, I trust him and left it alone. One day, I walked into the room with our computers, and he immediately closed an IM window, which he told me was her (his friend). (When I questioned him later, he says that he closed it because he saw me looking at the screen and that I snoop over his shoulder...Like I could really read it from 5 feet away...He also told me doesn't save his browser/IM history and stuff because he knows I'll snoop on his computer while he's gone and that if he leaves history, that'll give me more to find/look at. I've snooped on his computer a few times, when I had a gut feeling and yes I did find porn, I only was caught once, but confessed to all others and promised to stop, and I did stop) Now, the next night, I called in to work. And I think around after the time I'm supposed to be at work, she calls the house and I answer it. She says "Were you off tonight?" I said "No, I called in" and she was offering to come pick us up because it was cold here at the house, and she needed help with her project. So we ride with her to her house, we helped her with her project. My hsuband fell asleep on her couch in the other room, and eventually she wanted to go to sleep. I asked if I could stay on her computer to play games and she said "Sure". When she went to sleep, I played some games online. But I kept thinking, well, he doesn't save history, but I know she does. My gut was still telling me something seemed wrong (my gut had been right before, about my parent's situation, my dad was cheating on my mom, so I felt I should pursue my gut feeling again). she had her instant messenger open, and she has always had it set up to where it shows the previous convos, so I open up the windows to im his screenname and this time there is no history/previous convo. Now this girl is not that computer literate and I assumed my husband set up the option to hide history (he usually does the computer work she needs, and fixes her computer when it's broken). So look in the directory of the IM program to find the logs and I eventually find them. I open the log and read her and my hsuband's convos. I'm shocked that I find him saying "Hope you have a great night" and "I hope you get to feeling better, wouldn't want ya getting sick" and I never hear those things from him. He says I "don't deserve them". I know my past was not the best with him, but since I told him I wouldn't snoop and all that anymore, I led a good life since then, and truthfully I kept myself clean. So in all fairness, I think I did deserve those comments. Hell, I'm the one working a full time job, doing the house work, fixing HIS and my meals, washing the clothes, paying the bills, etc. (and still not make enough money to buy groceries, gas, and whatever else) when all he does is run over to her house, and play video games. Well, he aslso said some other stuff which really kinda said "red flag" to me like "you gonna keep me warm? LOL" (when she was asking if he could come over, and trying to convince him to by saying stuff like "it's warm over here, i'm here, I can light my fireplace, you know that will burn you up")...I was pissed when I saw him say that warming up comment. Something else that stood out - this was around the time he had no computer and I had to help him piece together one, and the last part was a hard drive he was waiting on...He finally got it about a week or so ago...This comment took place on the day he got his hard drive installed, but after I was at work: she IM'ed him asking him how he was doing, he said "I'm awesome, just got my hard drive today" she said "cool" and THEN he says "You're awesome too :D" hmmmm....He never expresses that sort of "enthusiasm" about her in front of me...Well after he said that she says "Well do you want to come down?" and he says "I dunno, I just got my hard drive and want to play around with it some" and then he says later "it is cold, and your house is warmer. XXX's house: Very fun! Playing on my computer: Very fun! This is a hard decision" Then he says "and you're there, that's a plus" and she says "yep" and then he decides he'll go over there. Now I know that if he won't leave his computer for a job, or to even spend time with me, unless it's sex, SOMETHING is going on, most likely. If his fun with her compares to his computer's fun, then what can this be? And why act this way to her when I'm not around verses when I'm around? Why treat her so good, and treat me like crap? Well, after snooping to get what I needed, I printed it all out to confront him at home about it. He walked in and saw me anyhow, so I asked him flat out "Tell me the truth, are you and her doing ANYTHING that would upset me, are you having sex, oral sex, touching, etc??" I think when he told me "No, I can't believe you'd go behind my back and do this! You don't trust me! We've never done anything, and never will! Well, I won't say that because anything is possible!" Now, I forgot to mention that this girl has an STD, a non-curable STD (genital herpes), so you're damn right I'm going to make sure this is true or un-true, because I could be infected right now! Then he said "I'm not telling you this to make you think I did do anything but the other day she said that the disease was cut out, so if I did **** her, you wouldn't get infected anyhow" Now I don't know why he told me this. I think he was looking into my eyes when he told me the supposed truth, but his eyes did look glazed and dialated (altho I think he woke up not long ago). I can't remember if he showed any signs of lying. I asked him to look into my eyes and repeat it, and he said something about he could even lie while looking into my eyes. Well anyhow, I said "Well, look at these" and showed him the convos and pointed out to him what seemed strange and wrong and he was irate at this point, either from being wrongfully accused, or maybe the fact he got caught in something. He said "I was just joking!" referring to the comment "you gonna keep me warm? LOL" and I told him I certainly wouldn't say that to anyone, that it crosses the line. Well, after showing him the convos, he said it was over. I walked into her room, woke her up, told her everything I did, and I guess she forgave me about snooping, but said she was hurt. She kept repeatedly telling me that nothing happened, they never did anything and never will. I had her drop me off at home and he stayed at her house. I told him I was going to move out, but after getting home, I decided otherwise. When he finally came home that day, he was angry that I hadn't moved out. He started shouting and said "You're one of those lying bitches" I guess talking about I told him I'd move out, but I changed my mind (how is that lying? I've moved out once before against my will and I'm not doing it again). I just turned my head and went back to what I was doing on the computer (playing a game to get my mind off things). Then he yells "You're not the one who built this place, you didn't buy it! You weren't here when I got it" He thinks this is HIS house, and I told him "We're married, we're both entitled to live here" and he got even more mad. He got up in my face/ears yelling "**** YOU" and I told him to get out of my face, that just made him get in my face and yell again, even louder. At this point I threatened to call the cops. That made him get so furious, he grabbed my left arm, while I was still sitting in the chair, (knees propped up on chair and close to my chest, how I normally sit at the computer) and grabbed it very hard, and shoved me around, almost knocking me out of my chair. After he let me go, I said "GET AWAY FROM ME!" and he raised his arm up like he was gonna hit me or something and then he stopped and stood still for about a min or so, and said "I'm glad the car and insurance is in my name" turned around and slammed the door and drove off, to her house again. I locked the door to our house that night and refused to let him be here, because of what happened earlier, I didn't feel safe and just wanted him to stay away. This is day 3 and I still want him to stay away. She keeps calling me, and yesterday she kept repeating "We didn't do anything, nothing happened" I finally interrupted her and said "I know, I know.." Why would she keep repeating the same thing over and over? I feel like I'm going crazy...I can't tell if they're both lying to me or what...My husband always told me "Never do anything that is going to make you look suspicious...." so why cant he follow his own advice? He's told me before he goes over there because it gets lonely while I'm gone at work and he gets bored, and I told him to watch out because some kind of feelings can develop. That made him angry and all, but I mean, it's true. I trust him with any other girl, but her, and I even told her that she was the one I didn't trust him with. I may have left out more details, I'm just writing this trying to remember every exact thing that happened, it is hard. I've told his family about what I did day before yesterday, my suspicions, what they've said, about my snooping, and about how he rough handled me. Somehow he must've found out about me talking about him (dunno what he heard) and he came down day before yesterday and said through our window "I don't know what you've told them but they think you're crazy and/or insane. I don't know what they think I'm doing to you!" and then as I open the door to say something he yells "**** you!" and walks back up the hill to his parent's house. Yesterday I slept all day, and he awoke me, by trying to open the door or something and he said something I couldn't understand. I come up there to his parent's house where's he's at, and I said "What did you say down there?" and he said "Just came down there to check on you, see if you were okay". I don't know if that was the real reason, or why he'd even care to come down there. It may have been so he could see if I had gotten on his computer...Which I haven't...I love him just as much, but I don't want him back if he's been ****ing her, cheating on me, or if I'll have to live the same torment again...I think he crossed the line of a "platonic relationship" and emotionally, if not physically cheated on me. Maybe the measures I took were wrong, but, they led me to find something he wouldn't tell me, nor would I ever have the knowledge of, and maybe something was going on, they just never talked about aloud on instant messenger. If I find more details I left out I will update this...Thanks, and so sorry it's so long...
Weye Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 No man should treat his wife like your husband is treating you. From your story, I seriously doubt he's not cheating on you. He is using and abusing you. You deserve a man who loves you and cares for you. You should find a new place to live and prepare to file for a divorce immediately.
JayKay Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I read through some of this.... I know you were pouring out your soul and needed to write a lot,but it's just hard to read if you don't break up things into paragraphs. So I stopped about 1/2 way.... Anyway, I got as far as your husband not getting a job, no money coming in, your 'shack' being ice cold and the immodest friend with her boobs coming out, her emails to your husband. Sounds fishy. Smells fishy. I think your gut is telling you something. Is there a place you can go stay, other than here with him, so you can clear your head? He needs to grow up, PRONTO.
Kenyth Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 This guy sounds like a nut. He makes your life a roller coaster ride. Regardless of what he's doing, you should cut your losses and split. You don't have any kids yet and the house is a "cold shack". No great loss. Chances are pretty good he's screwing around with this other girl. Regardless, he treats you with very little respect.
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I agree with JayKay. Listen to your gut. It is screaming out and sorry to tell you this but the signs and red flags are up EVERYWHERE. The man you're married to is a spoiled lazy child, does what he wants, when he wants and has NO respect for you at all. He uses your jealously against you, so he can continue doing what he wants. Question is, DO you love him enough to try to work on the marriage? Go to marriage counselling? Or is it time to end the marriage...Seems you'd be better off alone as he does nothing around the house or even do nice things with or for you. Would he go to MC? If not, then end the marriage...It will only get worse as time goes on! Good luck and keep posting.
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