Confused

[Frank55]

I'm a 55 year old man. I've been happily married for 25 years...well, most of those years. About a year ago, my wife and I stopped having intercourse. She was date raped many years ago (age 16) and never dealt with it properly. (We now do "everything else" except for intercourse, but it's not as satisfying for me). She's in therapy and so am I (separately).

 

I'm the boss in a small office with five employees. One of these employees is a woman who's about fifteen years younger. She's very good looking, married with three kids. We've been working together for about three years now. Call me dense, but just a few months ago I noticed that she showed avoidance behavior toward me. It happened time and time again. I was puzzled by this for quite some time. Now I think it's because she has feeling for me and doesn't know how to deal with it. (When she knew were would be working alone for three straight days, she would wear sloppy clothes and switch to glasses). I have to admit, I'm limerent. We have days when we talk to each other and have a good working relationship. Other days we seem to avoid each other.

 

Do I ask her if she has feelings for me, or should I remain in this emotional limbo? Is it any advantage to "know," in order to agree to certain "rules?" I'm worried that if she does have such feelings, that she wouldn't be willing to admit it.

 

I would never cheat on my wife. My Mother ran off with another man when I was a teen, and I remember the bitterness and feelings of being betrayal and being abandoned. I would never do that to my wife and children.

 

What should I do?

[Touche]

Why do you feel as if you need to do anything? Get over your emotional limbo. Absolutely nothing good will come of "knowing" one way or the other.

[JayKay]

I'm not quite sure what kind of answer you are seeking....

 

on the one hand you indicated that your sexual life is somewhat less than satisfying. Then you mention a woman you suspect has feelings for you. Then you add you would never think of cheating on your wife.

 

Are you asking;

 

* How do I avoid an affair if in fact this woman really does like me?

 

or

 

* How do I subtly give this woman the 'go ahead' signal and come what may?

 

 

 

Truly, this woman seems to be trying NOT to give you any indications that she is interested in you. If she is showing up in 'sloppy clothes and glasses' perhaps she caught a vibe from you....the fact you find her good-looking might have been somewhat obvious.

 

Perhaps SHE doesn't want anything to happen and is finding body language and signals to let you know that.

 

Trust me, if a woman wants your attention, she will try to look as attractive as possible, not try to turn you off.

 

In which case, you have nothing to worry about.

 

I think a frank conversation might prove embarressing for the two of you and nothing more.

 

With regards to your marriage, I hope you things will get better with counseling.

[travellingman]

What should I do?

 

Nothing.

 

The best possible result here is a good working relationship with this woman, and you can get that by just doing your normal daily routine. There's no point to a chat unless either of you really wants something more to happen, and you don't. Sometimes a little sexual tension between co-workers is a good thing.

 

Issue with your wife is entirely separate, and should be dealt with independently.

[Frank55]

Why do you feel as if you need to do anything? Get over your emotional limbo. Absolutely nothing good will come of "knowing" one way or the other.

 

Hey, I'm confused, remember?

 

I thought that perhaps "knowing" would enable us to "lay all the cards down on the table." I'm a stupid male who's confused by mixed signals. While there have been days that she's avoided me altogether, there have been other days where she's in a good mood and will initiate conversation.

 

One day, I thought "I got it" and that she wanted me to stay away. I bumped into her at the coffee mess. I said to her, "excuse me," got my coffee, and then said "see you later." She said, "Wait, I'll walk to the computer room with you," and she chatted at me all the way. I didn't know what to think.

 

For the most part there is avoidance behavior, but every now and then something like the above will occur...and I scratch my head at it all.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[Frank55]

* How do I avoid an affair if in fact this woman really does like me?

 

Well, yes, that. If I knew her feelings it would help me in any event. If she shared feelings, we could set boundaries.

 

I enjoy being friendly to people I work with (males and females). With her, I go from being friendly to avoiding her the way she is avoiding me. I feel so silly.

 

One day, I did confront her about her avoiding me time and time again that day (which was VERY apparent). She avoided answering the question -- but we had a nice conversation though for about twenty minutes.

[Frank55]

Nothing.

 

The best possible result here is a good working relationship with this woman, and you can get that by just doing your normal daily routine. There's no point to a chat unless either of you really wants something more to happen, and you don't. Sometimes a little sexual tension between co-workers is a good thing.

 

Issue with your wife is entirely separate, and should be dealt with independently.

 

Yeah, but I "ache" inside, wanting attention from her. I hate that, but it's what is going on inside of me. I'm afraid the only way of getting rid of this feeling is to get out of that office and get another job somewhere else. I absolutely hate feeling like this!

[Frank55]

I should add that on days she has conversations with me I somehow feel "satisfied," and when there's avoidance I ache.

[JayKay]

Frank,

 

here's what I think.

 

I think she's on to you. She knows you find her attractive and that you like getting attention from her.

 

I think she wants to maintain a professional relationship and from time to time 'cools' things down a bit. She is probably using her own internal barometer to guage just how much attention is 'OK' to give you and when to pull away.

 

I think she doesn't want things to go any further but wants to remain on friendly terms.

 

You, on the other hand, have a major crush.

 

I think your deepest, inner fantasy is that she will say to you, "Hey, I have feelings for you..."

 

and then would come the talk about 'boundaries' and how if 'only things were different'

 

and from there an 'emotional affair' would blossom.

 

And that would lead to the even more tantalizing fantasy of a physical affair...

[Touche]

You ARE very confused.

 

First of all, the fact that she's chatty one day and "avoids" you another day means nothing. People can be moody sometimes. Doesn't mean she's interested. And if she IS, then what? How will that make your life better? We ALL know that that won't be enough for you. You'll want more after that. You're at the first step of a dangerous road if you keep on it.

 

Mixed signals, as you put it, shouldn't mean a thing to you. You're married. There shouldn't be ANY signals. Signals are signals as much for being received as they are for being sent. See what I mean? Do not interpret her chattiness or avoidance (if that's even what it is) as "signals."

 

If you can manage to do that, you MIGHT have a chance of keeping your marriage intact.

[Outcast]

I'm a stupid male who's confused by mixed signals. While there have been days that she's avoided me altogether, there have been other days where she's in a good mood and will initiate conversation.

 

There are no 'mixed signals' and you better watch your step before she accuses you of harrassment. Of course she's pleasant sometimes. You're a colleague and she's a normal human who wants to be on good terms with colleagues.

 

(When she knew were would be working alone for three straight days, she would wear sloppy clothes and switch to glasses)

 

Short of smacking you over the head with something large and heavy, she was saying to you in no uncertain terms 'Hands off, I'm not interested'. Nothing 'mixed' about it. It was clear as a bell.

 

I bumped into her at the coffee mess. I said to her, "excuse me," got my coffee, and then said "see you later." She said, "Wait, I'll walk to the computer room with you," and she chatted at me all the way. I didn't know what to think.

 

She was going to walk back and figured she'd chat. That's it. No secret meanings.

 

Smarten up. You're either going to make a fool of yourself or get in trouble for harrassment.

[Milo]

In any case, Frank, never fish off the company pier.

[Frank55]

Thank you for the advice.

[whichwayisup]

Don't even cross the line and have that "do you find me attractive" discussion. It opens the door to other things...Maybe it won't be your intent to cheat but by showing any kind of interest, flirting and wondering of talking to her about it DOES put the idea of cheating out there in field...Not good.

 

Your wife is getting help, so are you. Maybe together go to marriage counselling. The thing is, EACH of you now are fixing things and there is NO point in opening a door which in the end could ruin your marriage! And possibly this woman's too as she's married with kids.

[Citygirl17]

Frank,

 

What do you want to happen with this woman?

 

Having just been through this with my MM xBoss, I'm curious about your story and what your thought process has been.

Do you want to be with her and if she returned your feelings you would have an affair or rather a fling? Or if she returned your feelings would you consider ending your marriage to be with her?

 

Is it just sexual or do you want to know this woman for the long haul?

[newbby]

of course you feel like this. its classic falling for someone psychology, you cant work her out. its the hook.

i agree with what jaykay said, you want to get it out in the open because you are burning to know if the feelings are reciprocated.

this is how me and my xmm started. i really tried to avoid him. then i would think that maybe i could break the obsession he seemed to have with me better if i was just normal, pleasant friendly etc. in truth, i didnt know what to do, i was actually quite worried and uncomfortable. i think my behaviour actually did the opposite of what i intended it to, because he must have been trying to work me out, like you are doing with this woman.

word of warning: if she ever gets really really drunk at the same place as you and your wife, do not send your wife packing so you can take advantage of the situation.

[newbby]

p.s, she may have feelings for you, as i did with my exmm, but i never intended to act on them and neither does she.

also, you will regret it.

my xmm regrets it, he couldnt handle the guilt at all. he is still unhappily married, probably because he didnt work on things the corect way.