Please help! I am so broken hearted...

[Nocturnal-Bloom]

Hello,

 

I am new here, so please forgive me if I don't use all the proper abbreviations. I started an online affair 4 1/2 months ago with a man who is 10 years my junior and who lives 1400 miles away. He has been married for 7 years (He married when he was just 20 and for those of you not mathmatically gifted, that makes me 37 and him 27) and he has 2 young children.

 

Things were wonderful online, so we stepped up to talking on the phone. That went great so I figured out a way to sneak off to Chicago and see him. It was the best two days of my life. But it was only two days. And even a romantic fool like me isn't going to cash in a 10 year marriage and ruin the lives of two children (mine are 7 and 5) for two great days.

 

Then Florida got hit by a hurricane and I took my kids and evacuated to Chicago. I got to see him everyday for 3 weeks. It kept getting better and better. My kids love him. My husband came out and joined us for 5 days and we all got together at a playground. It was very strange, but I wanted to meet his children. I got to meet the wife as well. She is nice, but I can't see how they are together, they are so different. It was so hard to leave. I have been seriously considering moving there.

 

Then this weekend he came down to Florida. My husband was out of town and my kids stayed at a friend's house. It was so amazing to have him here. He had talked about us being together, getting married, the whole nine yards. When he got here Saturday, he took me by the shoulders and said that he had come down to show me he was serious about us being together, that it didn't always have to be me going to him. We had a wonderful time.

 

Two days ago he called when my husband was home and I was foolish enough to think I could pull off talking to him just as if he was just a friend. My husband lost it. He started screaming at me, calling me all sorts of filthy names; I thought he was going to hit me. Our relationship has been really bad before, but it hasn't been violent. I should say that this is the first affair I have ever had. My husband has depression and ADD and refuses to get treatment for them. That alone makes living with him very hard. He is so self absorbed and seems to not see me or even care about seeing me.

 

So when I told Chicago guy about what had happened and asked when he was going to be ready to leave his wife he said after his daughter's birthday in January. I had been planning to leave after the school year got out, so that my son could make his First Communion with his class. I know, I'm such a good Catholic, but I do have the guilt part covered!

 

Last night I couldn't get in touch with MM, very unusual. Again today and then I read my e-mail. He sounds so confused. He thought he had more time. He feels sick at the idea of leaving and can't do it. There were parts that sounded final and then confusing parts where he still talked about ending his marriage. So I don't even know if I have been dumped or not. I can't believe we went from the most amazing weekend to this. Maybe it was just too real for him, I don't know. That is what is driving me crazy right now! I DON'T KNOW! He won't answer his phone. It's killing me to be cut off like this. This was also his first affair, so I don't feel as if he was just leading me on. I think this thing just got bigger than we planned on.

 

I e-mailed him, asking for clarity, but I don't know how I am suppossed to go without contact with this man whom I have grown to love so much.

 

I ask one thing, please be kind in your replies. If you want to tell me what a terrible person I am for doing this, you need not bother, I do that myself.

 

Sad Floridain

[newbby]

i dont think you are horrible but i do think you are unaware of the way mm behave. i am sure he felt all those things as he was saying them, but when it comes to the crunch, it doesnt sound as though he is going to leave his wife. give him some space, nc and see what happens. as for your h, do you no longer love him at all? how did you feel about him before you met mm?

[JayKay]

No slam here, I am very sorry for your pain.

 

Unfortunately, it frequently happens that when MM get close to leaving their wives they suddenly freak out. They realize how difficult it will be, how complicated things will get and get cold feet.

Sometimes the marriage isn't all that bad -- it's just that the MM got bored and wanted to meet someone new and exciting. Many times they DO fall in love with the OW, but she's not always enough to get him to leave the wife.

 

It happens frequently.

 

You have a couple of choices;

 

* You can back off, give him 'time' (which may drag out for years) and continue to try and hide the truth from your husband (if you stay with him)

 

 

* You can give MM and ultimatum. He either stays with you or stays with his wife. If he chooses his wife, you need to avoid any further contact with him and move on.

 

 

* You can leave your husband, leave the MM and start fresh on your own. Probably the most scary decision of all.

[Nocturnal-Bloom]

Thank you for your replies. I have never done this before, so any information fromthe more seasoned is welcome.

 

I am so lost and sad, I can't even tell you. I was ready to leave my husband and my home for this man.

 

Now I am so confused. How does one get through NC? It seems impossible.

 

As for my relationship with my husband before, it was poor. I have stayed out of financial neccesity, not love. I don't hate him, but I don't trust him either. He lies so much to me, it just drives me crazy. And he has a get rich quick scheme for every day of the week. I feel like I'm married to Ralph Kramden!

 

I really love my MM. And I thought that he loved me. He promised that we would be together. He told me he was going to leave his wife after the New Year and when i said that I didn't want to move to Chicago until after the school year ended, he was so depressed. That made me think that he wanted to really be with me.

 

I can't believe that things have changed so quickly. last Saturday we were walking hand in hand in this beautiful plaza. He bought me this beautiful ring. It was heaven. Now I feel like I am in hell. What should I do?

[OldEurope]

Be very careful...Men can too very quickly "fall in love", especially if the spark has gone out of his marriage, and naturally if he finds you a more ideal partner--in his mind. He too got caught up in the whirlwind aspect (no less in the Windy City itself!), the new attention, your attractiveness, etc. But the "follow through" on that is another story.....

 

There are many many men who DO wish to leave their wives or end their bad marriages, but those who actually go ahead with resolute, real-live, caution-to-the-wind action are a far smaller amount. Do not confuse his desire to be with you as evidence of his committment to following through on such. A terribly difficult high-wire to cross, and most, I would venture, do not make it.

 

Also, I am prejudiced on such matters, but when I hear such things as "27 year old man" I tend to recoil. Not to say that the ones 30 years older are any more clear-headed, but a 27 year old man is still young by today's standards, and not often mature or self-realized in business, let alone his personal life. They are far more liable when much younger, I think, to romanticize certain outcomes rather than use life's wisdom to try and foresee those consequences. So in a word, be extremely careful. He is backing off, and the worst you could do is to hound him, applying pressure. This is, unfortunately or fortunately, one of those instances where you will just have to wait this out--IN NO CONTACT ("NC" as we call it here)--and let him contact you first.

 

Or, much better advice, end your first marriage if it is so intolerable, before getting involved with someone else. Easier said than done, and this from an ex OW such as myself. BUT, as you scroll through this heartache column that these threads are--you will be doing yourself a favor.

 

OE

[JayKay]

I think Old Europe gave you some excellent advice.

 

I am quite inclined to think that leaving your husband would be a good decision. Certainly a hard one, but you could probably survive on your own and it would do wonders for your self esteem.

 

My mother stayed with my dad for 33 years; she was convinced she couldn't make it on her own. She had never had her own place or lived a financially independent life.

At 52 years of age she became a divorcee. I'm not saying it was easy, but she is far more independent now than she ever was. She is dating again but states she will never ever move in with someone ever again -- he has his home and she has hers. She likes coming and going as she pleases, can fix up the house or renovate any way she wants, decides how her money will be spent and/or invested, etc.

 

I think she grew tremendously as a person. As she no longer has to contend with a grumpy, argumentative, non-communicative husband whose moods she was constantly trying to walk eggshells around.

 

Think of all the years of accumulated stress you could dump by seperating yourself from your unhappy marriage!

 

In a way, this MM may have appeared to be like a 'savior' to you. In truth, he is a mere human, with flaws and irritating characteristics that all of us humans share.

 

You never got to know him on a very 'real' level as all your interactions with him were steeped in romance and mystery.

 

Emotions can run wild when you have to fill in a lot of 'blanks' with your own imagination (i.e. What would it be like if we lived together every day? Would he be good with my kids on a day to day basis?)

 

He really never proved himself a reliable, honest, stable person because you two have never had a major curve balls thrown at you yet....except for now.

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy. But maybe he can't handle confrontation, painful decisions or even major committments.

 

I think he believed everything he was telling you when he was saying it

But Old Europe made a good point --

 

There's being 'in love' with an idea

 

And then there's being actually committed to an idea

[Nocturnal-Bloom]

Well I have some good news to report. The NC that happened was because he left his phone at home and we had a good long chat about everything. Here's a thing that seems strange to me, he was upset that after coming all the way to Florida to see me, I thought that he would be so ready to leave me. It really seemed that way because his e-mail was so full of fear and doubt. He said he was just trying to express it and that he had no intention of ending things. Whew! I do really love him. I have never done this before and yes, I have read the threads. I'm scared, but too stubborn to be sensible. Especially since I haven't felt this alive in years!

[damwinston]

I remember when my guy went NC because his phone was out - his girlfriend was using it.

Watch out and be careful.

dammy

[wv_kieren]

Well I have some good news to report. The NC that happened was because he left his phone at home and we had a good long chat about everything. Here's a thing that seems strange to me, he was upset that after coming all the way to Florida to see me, I thought that he would be so ready to leave me. It really seemed that way because his e-mail was so full of fear and doubt. He said he was just trying to express it and that he had no intention of ending things. Whew! I do really love him. I have never done this before and yes, I have read the threads. I'm scared, but too stubborn to be sensible. Especially since I haven't felt this alive in years!

 

I'm glad things are on the up and up for you bloom. Keep us updated, good luck sweetie!

[Mistaken Identity]

Welcome to the roller coaster.

[Nocturnal-Bloom]

Hello Everyone,

 

This certainly is a roller coaster. I have not heard from MM since yesterday morning. I am a basket case. We usually talk at least twice a day during the week. Often for as much as three hours. He has a killer commute, but it has given us the time to talk. Yesterday was fine, we didn't have any kind of fight, I'm just still shaken from last week when he sent me that awful scary and confusing e-mail. I hate being so scared and needy. I don't do vounerable well. Feeling like this is so terrible. I am sick over it. There is something wrong with me that I take this all to heart. I wish I could be one of those people who could have a casual affair and only get sex or attention or whatever I wanted and be able to take it or leave it. But I'm not that person. I'm the idiot who feel for romance and the idea of 'Happily Ever After'. I'm the idiot who is staring at her cell phone, willing it to ring. Who is trying so hard not to be the one who calls him. What is wrong with me?

 

I wish I was stronger, but today is a hard day for me. My grandmother died 12 years ago today. She raised me, so we were very close. Some years her anniversary passes and I'm just fine, but this year is a tough one for some reason. And the holidays always depress me. At least I have the kids to focus on to get me out of myself.

 

BEING THE OW AT THE HOLIDAYS SUCKS!!!!!

 

Bear with me, I'm new at this. I should be feeling all warm and fuzzy about my family and all I can think of is how warm and fuzzy HE is feeling over his.

 

Everyone tells me how he will never leave them for me. I read it here and get so scared. I wish there was a "It all worked out OK" forum here. I want to be with him so much. When we are together, it's amazing-Who wouldn't want more? I wish I were stronger. I wish I didn't feel like throwing up everytime something changes. But I'm not, and all I can do is come here, vent and ask for guidance on how to get through.

 

Thanks everybody. Hearing from you really helps.

[Sami_D]

So there was a little unintentional/unexpected NC... what's the plan now..? Do you actually have dates from him, or are you still happy with the fact that the NC was 'nothing'..?

[Owl]

Well, I'll be the bad guy and rain on your parade.

 

So have you already started divorce proceedings with your H? If not, why not?

 

Does your H know that you've resumed contact with Chicago guy?

 

Here's the thing. You've made up your mind you're going to be with Chicago guy...fine, your call. So what possible reason would you have to stay with H in the meantime, all the while planning on leaving him for OM anyway???

 

If you really are going to leave your marriage, then do it NOW...BEFORE you're already 'with' Chicago guy. If your ONLY reason to end the marriage is Chicago guy, you're making a tremendous mistake. If you're ending your marriage due to other issues, then end it now, and THEN pursue your relationship with Chicago guy.

 

Staying now is not fair to your H, if you're fully intending to leave him anyway. Tell him the flat out truth, you're leaving. And then go get your own place to live, get yourself set up on your own...don't just USE your husband so that he's paying for you to carry on this affair.

 

If you're not willing to end the marriage BEFORE your relationship with OM is in place, then that's really pretty sad. Using your husband as a 'backup plan' if your relationship with Chicago guy fails is TOTALLY unfair to your husband. Creating false hope that you're willing to stay and work on things with him, that NC is in place with OM, all of these are so hurtful and disrepectful to someone you love (loved) that it's not even funny.

 

Get the gumption to do this right. Don't leave your H to run to someone else, and keep your H as an alternative if things don't pan out with this guy. Get your own situation settled with H FIRST...THEN see where things go with Chicago guy. And if you're afraid/not willing to leave your H before you know that things will work out with OM...you need to stop right now and THINK about your choices. You're either using your H selfishly (which he doesn't deserve), or you're not ready to end your marriage yet.

 

Think about it.

 

BTW, I'm not attacking you...I'm flat out giving you some straight up honest advice on what to think about...

[Sami_D]

Maybe it would be nice to see the MM divorce before the MOW just for once...

 

Just dreaming.

[Owl]

You know Sami...I'd give him the exact same advice I gave her.

 

The only OTHER advice I would give at this point would be to work on the marriage...but from the tone of this post, that doesn't appear to be what she wants/is willing to hear.

 

My real advice would be to go cold-turkey NC with OM/MM for 3 months, while at the same time doing everything you can to work on the marriage. After all, if it IS true love, what difference would 3 months make? And at the end of that, she could honestly say she did her best...as long as she DID stick to it for 3 months, and honestly put forth the effort to work on the marriage that long.