thatsme123 Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 My ex is home for winter break now from school, and so am I. We live very close to each other in the same community. I haven't talked to him in person in 8 months (we've talked online 3 times in that duration), and today when I was going to my aunts house (of course he has to live down the block from her), I saw him in his car driving home. It really shook me up. And now I'm just scared of seeing him/running into him! We're not really on "good" terms, but we're not on "bad" terms either. The last time i talked to him online, I told him that I still care about him (it wasnt an attempt to get back with him, I just wanted to tell him how i felt), and of course, big mistake, because he didn't say anything, and that was a week ago. What do i do if we run into each other? Now that hes home, I feel the temptation to contact him more than ever. I really don't like him at all; in fact, knowing what i know about him since our breakup (him sleeping around with people that made me think he was into them before he broke up with me, him dealing and using drugs again, and hearing about the bad people he hangs out with) makes him kind of repulsive to me. But there is still that annoying feeling left inside of me that is still fascinated by him...why is it that I just can't let go of that one shred that seems to link my heart to him?
Just Visiting Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 I have another thread on here about finding out my ex has a new gf. Overall, I know him and I are not compatible (his pill addiction, porn habit, hiding things)...and yet like you, I am still "fascinated" by him. And now knowing that he has moved on and pretty much forgot about me, I am still hurting over us. I saw him drive by my office building about a month ago and I broke down in tears. I have deleted everything I had of him, it is still hard to look at a picture of him, knowing that he doesn't love me anymore. But I have to remind myself that I need to count my blessings, let go, and move on. Take care, I know what you are going through, it's not easy.
Yamaha Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Don't let him see you sweat ( or know that you are not over him ). Get out there and if you see him say hello and go on about your business. If you act scared or avoid him he still has control. The more you do your own thing the easier it will be if you see him. Avoidance just makes it harder.
In Sync Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 thatsme123 Not that you should run away and hide, out of fear of seeing him, but I do think you should consciously not put yourself in vicinities he may be in. Ok. You don't have prove anything to anybody. Who cares if he thinks he's got control...he's going to think it anyway because YOU'VE BEEN E-MAILING HIM. So he already knows he's got you. Because you are in an attached and it still hurts to see him, why pretend and put up a front that seeing him doesn't matter. Now that you know it bothers you go places that don't put you two in the same place. IF you happen to see him, book move on. You're not obligated to have to stay and talk to him. Think of him like a stinky skunk. Would you stay in the same vicinity as a skunk. Quit the little jabs at your heart by e-mailing. You think that's going to reverse the situation..it won't. You can't let go if you keep sending him e-mails and wait for him to respond.
Yamaha Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I think if you avoid someone to much it can become an obsession. I had a gal who avoided me like the plague and it was just so weird to have her leave a room or get real nervous if I was around. If you expose yourself to him it won't affect you as much if you see him.
notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I think I read this in one of No Foolin's posts (can't remember for sure), but basically, if you are still at the point where seeing an ex shakes you up, staying away is best. But, as Yamaha points out, you shouldn't let them see you sweat, which includes seeing you run-away. Finally, rehearse the situation. Have it all figured out in your mind what you would do and say if you were confronted with seeing him. You sort-of blew it with the e-mail (as thatsme pointed out), but don't compound the situation by appearing all freaked out if you two end up seeing each-other. Rehearse how you are going to be all happy but too busy to stay around and chat. "Fake it until you make it!" Not that I'm an expert... I saw my ex drive by this morning, and it was like someone shot me full of adrenaline. My heart started pumping to the point that I felt like I would have a stroke! If we had both been in a place where I would be forced to talk -- she would have detected by nervousness for sure...
In Sync Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 My whole point about leaving if in the same vicinity is not about taking a stand and showing him whether you are sweating or not. Again, WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS. By worrying if he sees if you are uncomfortable misses the point. NO CONTACT means exactly that. Not seeing him, or sticking around gives you less opportunity of watching him and thereby being effected being around him. Therefore you have less reason for getting rattled by him. The more someone is out of your vision the easier it will be to start healing. It's already hell to recover why prolong sticking around someone you really aren't over yet. Sightings of him like UFO's will get you obsessing, with thoughts something like this, is he looking over here? who's he talking to? what am I wearing, do I look ok? How many people when they keep seeing their ex have written 'I feel so much better." This is not about Pride. You have pride, you don't have to prove to him, you can handle being broken up. The very fact that you are alive and standing is testimony to that. But if seeing an ex, makes you sad, and wishing things were back to the way we were. PLEASE...for your own sake move on. As for conversation...hopefully you are not initializing it. And if he says something look at your watch and say, "I have an appointment." Nip it in the bud. It's been 8 months, so why do you owe him the time of day?
notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I agree that this isn't about taking a stand and proving that you are over him. However, not letting him see you sweat is still important... not only does seeing him make you feel bad, but human tendancy is to get down on ourselves for not having more inner strength. Of course, we shouldn't fault ourselves for that -- after all, we are human. So... my point is, if you know you aren't fully healed yet, and you think you might be caught in a situation where you will see your ex, then some simple techniques like rehearsing the situation so that your inner vulnerabilities aren't exposed will only make you feel better and speed your recovery.
In Sync Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 ...and you think you might be caught in a situation where you will see your ex, then some simple techniques like rehearsing the situation so that your inner vulnerabilities aren't exposed will only make you feel better and speed your recovery. unless you are trapped in an elevator, why engage in a conversation. NOT indulging in a conversation will alleviate exposure of one's vulnerabilities. An ex is not your boss, you are not obligated to talking to someone you are attempting to get over. Any conversation other than 'I've got an appointment' will lead to feelings of disappointment. thereby don't do it. even rehearsing what you'll say will be pointless, let's say if the ex decides to oh let's say introduce you to his new girlfriend. gonna stick around for that chit chat? the less or no information one exchanges = the less chance you have at getting info you may not want to hear, because you open a window of opportunity to getting hurt by "playing nice and engaging in senseless conversation."
notmakingsense Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 unless you are trapped in an elevator, why engage in a conversation. NOT indulging in a conversation will alleviate exposure of one's vulnerabilities... Very true... I think we are saying the same thing.... but, for people like me -- just rehearsing the "Hi, I'd love to chat, but I have to get going" part is necessary in order to supress the nervous cough, sweat beads, downward gaze, and agitated desire to get the heck outta there... Conversation? No. Quick exit with a "I'm happy but busy" appearance? Priceless!
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