Need some advice please

[GuySimple]

Has anyone ever had a relationship with their ex where you got called to help every time something goes wrong.

 

Tonight my wife apparently had a bit of car trouble when she was shopping with the kids. We had made the kid switch today as usual and I was out on a date after my week with the kids. On the way home I happened to check my phone and saw 3 voice mails, 2 “call me immediately” calls from my ex and one fairly calm one from my daughter explaining the problem. By the time I got them it was very late, too late to call. Besides I don’t really think it is my ex’s business what time I get back home.

 

I will call her in the morning and am expecting to get a cool reception which peev’s me off as I have done nothing wrong. This seems to happen fairly often and I feel tense each time because for some reason I feel the need to semi explain my evening.

 

Has anyone gone through this type of thing?

[Trimmer]

Hey, GS -

 

This is one of the realities of splitting up - you're each on your own. There's nothing wrong with helping her if you feel like it and you're available - and I wouldn't withhold assistance solely as punishment or out of spite - but you're not obliged to be available like a spouse.

 

If she's got an actual emergency, then she owes it to everyone involved to dial 911 first. If it's not a life-or-limb emergency, then you're not each others' on-call roadside assistance backup any more.

 

And I hope she won't try to turn it into some kind of "you owe it to the kids" thing. She's an adult and a parent, and she's now solo. When she's got the kids, she's responsible for their health and safety, and she needs to be able to step up and fully own and handle that task, whatever comes. (And you'd better be ready to do the same when you have the kids...)

 

If she complains about this, I would ask her, can she handle things on her own if you were out of town while she had the kids? No different from being out to dinner, or just plain having your cell turned off for a few hours. This is called "being a parent." If she can't handle this, how can she be a custodial parent?

 

You owe her no explanation. Her cool reception is irrelevant. Don't let her control you. You are justified in saying "My phone was off," which of course is just stating what should already be clear, but don't let her drag you into feeling like you owe her any more than that.

 

The other way to handle it without feeling like you have to explain yourself, is to tell her something like "I fully trust you to keep our kids safe and healthy and to handle anything as well as I would be able to." Is she really going to argue that one with you?

 

Hope you had a great week with the kids, and a good date, too...

[Mz. Pixie]

WOW. I can't believe that. I would never have dreamed of calling my exhusband, even during our separation, should I have needed something!!

And, I have no relatives that are living here, and virtually all of my friends turned their backs on me!

 

My ex will call me about issues relating to his visitation. For instance, if he can't pick up the kids when he is to have them. He'll call me and ask me to keep them during his time, etc. He will want to switch up something. I usually have no problem with this but yet I never ask him to switch. I arrange my schedule around when I'm going to have the kids. His parents keep them alot for him- which is fine- but I hardly ever leave them with anyone else.

 

I asked him once recently to alternate some days with me during Christmas break, because I'll have them for Christmas and I was trying to build some time in there with their dad. He can't or won't do it.

 

Bottom line, do not feel guilty about this. Your wife is the one who wanted the divorce in the first place. She is an adult and she has to understand that you cannot take care of her anymore.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think it's malcious, I just think she knows she can rely on you, even though right now it's not appropriate.

 

Time for that talk...Like - If it involves the kids, I'm there in a flash!!! But if it is because of a leaky sink, car trouble, or anything outside the box, you're on your own and call a friend, a family member.

 

She called you because she had the kids. If she was on her own and did that then I would be abit angry.

 

She needs to learn some independence and how to deal with crisises on her own without having to call you to fix it for her.

[GuySimple]

I talked to her today and one of the questions was how come you didn’t call…I bet you had a late night? So I politely smiled and she realized what she had asked and said that was none of her business.

 

Something else happened today though. A Christmas package arrived while I was at the house seeing the kids. As always my daughter started to unpack the box and take the presents out. The package was from my father-in-law and his wife (he’s remarried).

 

So my daughter say’s, “daddy there is nothing here for you”. My ex say’s “there must be”. Daughter say’s no I looked. I looked at my wife and asked if she told her father about us. We had agreed to only tell certain family and to tell each other who we told. He was not on that list.

 

She reply’s that yes she told him a few weeks ago but that couldn’t have been why he didn’t send a package. My reply was to inform her that he hasn’t talked to his ex wife (her mother) in about 12 years so I am sure his idea of a decent separated relationship is far different from ours. So sending me a Christmas gift would probably not be something he would do. She started to get a bit emotional and said she was sorry and worried about what message that sent to the kids.

 

My reply was that it was just one more sucky human behavior characteristic that I experienced in 2005 from people whom I use to think looked out for me. So I told her not to worry about it and came home.

 

So, I am feeling a little hurt tonight. Part of me wants to tell family the truth about us. Up until this point we have been telling family that “we grew apart” or “we are better friends now”. What I really want to say is that…I wanted to work on the marriage but she had no interest and is a self centered b—ch who put herself before her kids and the family unit she helped create. Because I know that people assume that I was the one the initiated it because I am the one who moved out and appears to be getting on with life. That makes me angry. But I have nothing to gain by being a pri@k about it so I will go along with the politically correct lines.

[penkitten]

is the divorce paperwork started yet?

if so, its time for you to start telling your family and you can be honest with them.

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh GS. I know the feeling you're talking about. It hurts. My ex mother in law still doesn't speak to me unless absolutely necessary.

 

Even though they felt like my family, in essence, they were his family so that's something I had to turn loose of when I got out of that marriage.

[dgiirl]

GS, hmmm first of all, your wife needs to learn some independence. I have trouble with this myself. Anytime a crisis happens, I want to call my exh. It takes a lot of will power not to, but I'm doing it and i'm realizing i can do just as good if not better job than he can. You need to set some boundaries with her. I mean, 10-20-50 years from now, are you still going to be changing the oil in her car or something? You need to nip that behaviour NOW. It'll only get harder to change in the future.

 

Second, why are you not telling people the truth? You dont need to slander her to her family, but you can tell your family the truth. Why are you protecting her? I will say dont tell people the truth when you are angry. But once the anger goes away, why not tell them? You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. She made this decision, she needs to own up to it.

 

Hmm, maybe this is a pattern with you two, kinda like her going to you to help her with stuff? Start changing the relationship and the rules.

[GuySimple]

So…the story goes on…

 

During the conversation the other night it came up that I was out with someone the night she called for help. I don’t even know in what context but I expect given my nature it was very politically correct. She has always said that I need to meet someone etc., etc. Not much else was said and I went home.

 

So today in the emails she mentioned the name of the woman I had an affair with 8 years ago. I should have expected it as I would have thought the obvious as well…that the person I had a date with was the OW, which it wasn’t. I assured her of this. During the conversation she mentioned the name of an old boy friend of hers. Kind of in the context of “that would be like me contacting so and so after all these years”.

 

As soon as I saw his name it was like a huge wave came crashing over me. The year before we got married we had broken up and she started dating this guy. It was like we broke up on a Weds and she was dating him on Sat. I never expected that she dated him at the same time but figured she had wanted to and that is why I got dumped. She dated for about a month and I was distraught. Just when I seemed to get over things she shows up at my place and said she made a mistake and still wanted me. I was overjoyed and took her back. Every time I mentioned the event she would comment by saying that was x years ago and she was just a kid or it was nothing and not form me to worry about it.

 

So we got married and I never dealt with it. All these years and it has still bothered me. Today I replayed all the times that I was upset in our marriage and it was always around trust issues. It was like a huge light going on.

 

My wife was downtown today shopping and calls me. I met her for coffee and we talked about the whole OW think and I mentioned her comment about her old boyfriend and the feelings that it brought out. Basically for me it explained 17 years worth of behavior. She started to cry and said that she had never thought about that but that it explained so much. I never thought that something that happened that long ago could explain something today but it makes since. You get bit by a dog when you are a child and you remember it for a lifetime. Why should relationships be any different.

 

We talked some more about our behaviors. How we were not accountable to each other but rather blamed, that we didn’t listen to feelings and took everything as a personal attack. It was such a deep conversation and one that brought so much clarity to our situation.

 

So next week we are planning to do Christmas together with the kids. I am looking forward to it because there are no expectations or pressures. It has been such a crappy year that we are all just looking forward to having some time to get together and saying good-bye to 2005. I am not sure how this latest thing will play into the equation. I pretty clear headed now but just taking one day at a time.