Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 Exactly. Moma - do you want your kid to turn out like Alp? I don't care if your parents beat you and stuffed you into a box, Alp. The science says that's not the best way to raise a healthy secure child who has a successful adult life including healthy relationships. Funny, that. Outcast is this from personal expierence or is this from stuff your reading?
Art_Critic Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 some of these replys are really harsh almost like i am a bad parent and it is all my fault!!!! It isn't your fault.. or HERS.. but you are the parent and have the responsibility to fix it . It is not on her shoulders but yours and your husbands to create the atmoshere for her to get what she needs Your daughter can't fix this by herself and scare tactics will make things worse.. Please do get her into a therapist
933KJL Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 I don't mean to bash you but you said "do you think that will scare her?" in a previous post, and now you say you will do "anything" to get her respect and so forth. Is she in school? Is there another outlet for her so she can un-connect (not in a bad way) with you? I think part of the problem is that she seems so dependent on you and at 6 they need to be learning a little independence.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 Maybe you would enjoy Dr. Phil's book on parenting. He's got great advice and he explains why some of the things you've been thinking of trying don't work at all and how they actually do harm. He also talks about what does work. You can get the book from his website or from Amazon, I'm sure. You didn't answer my question!!! Do you have kids of your own?
933KJL Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 It isn't your fault.. or HERS.. but you are the parent and have the responsibility to fix it . It is not on her shoulders but yours and your husbands to create the atmoshere for her to get what she needs Your daughter can't fix this by herself and scare tactics will make things worse.. Please do get her into a therapist Word Up Art Critic!!
Outcast Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Outcast is this from personal expierence or is this from stuff your reading? Both. And understand that people need to read 'stuff' written by people who understand what they're doing. People aren't good parents by instinct. Even animals can be bad parents. People have to learn parenting and if they don't have good role models, then reading 'stuff' isn't a bad idea at all.
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 WWIU she knows i love her can't speak for my h nothing in my life comes before her !!! She is always on my list before anyone I am not doubting your love for her...I am just putting myself in the mind frame of your daughter and what she could be feeling. This isn't about you, it's about her and what she thinks and feels. I am sorry if you're feeling attacked. I'm sure you are a good mother, but with that being said, you have to really see what some of us are telling you. By playing a trick on her, it will make things worse. I can pretty much guarantee that. There are other issues going on which I'm sure you're not comfy posting about, home life, step kids, step father etc...I don't know...But something isn't right. She's screaming it by her actions. And I really believe it's not about defying you both, she is telling you in her own way...So stop and listen. Get her the help she may need.
JadeStar Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 I'm not trying to scare her and would never do anything like that JKL that is wrong she would definitely scare her and be very wrong !!! I just want her to listen and respect me and will try anything !! I didn't come here to be bashed or belittled and some of these replys are really harsh almost like i am a bad parent and it is all my fault!!!! I have done the best i could raising my daughter with little help and that probably is the problem ..i have been the only one to do and be there and she can't adjust when i go and get me some time to myself she feels abandon because dad hardly around and mom is !! I may be wrong but looks like if she holds anger/resentment for her dad not being there, or helping you out, then she would have the behavior directed more towards her dad not you. But I guess since you are the one there for her more she takes it out on you. I know from previous posts you have made on the matter she gives you both trouble sometimes but guess you seem to get more of the brunt of it all. I dunno, just my 2 cent. Jade
Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 I don't mean to bash you but you said "do you think that will scare her?" in a previous post, and now you say you will do "anything" to get her respect and so forth. Is she in school? Is there another outlet for her so she can un-connect (not in a bad way) with you? I think part of the problem is that she seems so dependent on you and at 6 they need to be learning a little independence. Your right JKL yes and she hates it but she is above her grade level in reading and writing and i know im doing my job look how smart she is and yes she does depend on me a little too much here lately!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 I may be wrong but looks like if she holds anger/resentment for her dad not being there, or helping you out, then she would have the behavior directed more towards her dad not you. But I guess since you are the one there for her more she takes it out on you. I know from previous posts you have made on the matter she gives you both trouble sometimes but guess you seem to get more of the brunt of it all. I dunno, just my 2 cent. Jade Yeah and i should be use to it everyone treats me bad and im sick of it!! Noone respects me in the house at all so why should my daughter guess she is learning what she sees!!!
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Sorry if you've answered this already...How old is she?
JadeStar Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 I don't mean to bash you but you said "do you think that will scare her?" in a previous post, and now you say you will do "anything" to get her respect and so forth. Is she in school? Is there another outlet for her so she can un-connect (not in a bad way) with you? I think part of the problem is that she seems so dependent on you and at 6 they need to be learning a little independence. I agree with this in the sense that maybe she needs some after school activites. My kids are both in things 2 times a week.Son is in art classes cause he likes to draw, and daughter is in dance classes. Maybe part of it is she feels frustrated in alot of areas, maybe she feels her life is nothing more than school and home. I'm sure you all do things with her like family outings and all, but what about something for herself. A class she could take or do. How about dance? cheerleading? Girl scouts? Something that she could attend by herself, learning a hobby and at the same time learning to seperate from you and a feeling of independence. A sense of accomplishment for her as well that shes doing something she might feel shes good at. Just a thought. Jade
alphamale Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Did you every think that some of your baggage Alpha was created by things that your parents did to you growing up ? nope...I had the best parents in the world. they were both smart and pretty fair. we had what we needed growing up and nothing more. they believed in education and treating everyone the same regardless or religion or skin color. they were two good people and they punished when they had to and they rewarded when they had to...
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 they rewarded when they had to... Now I see where you get that from.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 Sorry if you've answered this already...How old is she? WWIU she is 6
Becoming Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Lilmoma, parenting is the hardest job in the world. And some children are harder than others. My first child was wild. I say she was born an adolescent--sassy, strong-willed, rebellious, etc. I'm an academic. I do life by researching it first (I know, don't bother!). I couldn't find this child in any standard baby or parenting books. I was about to lose my mind. Three things that helped: 1--A book with a horrible title: The Difficult Child. This helped me understand that I have a hyper-sensitive child who has turned out to be a sheer delight. I'm not always a fan of the Dobson materials, but The Strong-Willed Child is another good book, though I don't think spanking is the way to go to earn respect and love. 2--Family counseling. The day my 6-year-old locked herself in her room and said, "Well, I'll just kill myself then!" shocked me into seeing there were things going on in our household that we all needed to attend to together. We went for 5 sessions and the counsellor told us that our child was playing us for attention. The more dramatic the behavior, the more we responded. Duh! 3--Behavior modification. We set up a bean jar where anytime she did something good she got so many beans. Once she had so many beans, she could trade them in for a predesignated reward we'd agreed upon. She got beans taken away for bad behavior, too. We set up the system together so she understood it, why she got so many beans for what behaviors and why she got so many taken away for x, y, z behaviors. Worked like a charm. A chart can work, too. Whatever you do, you have to do consistently. Consistency seems to be everything for some of these kids. But once YOU follow through with the behavior modification, she'll start to fall in. Ever watched Nanny 911? Wish that had been on when my kids were little. But yeah, I agree, this goes far beyond Christmas. I'd bet she needs to know the rules and have them enforced to feel safe. Daddy coming and going probably brings chaos, rule changes, and she doesn't know how to handle it. Hang in there!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 I am not doubting your love for her...I am just putting myself in the mind frame of your daughter and what she could be feeling. This isn't about you, it's about her and what she thinks and feels. I am sorry if you're feeling attacked. I'm sure you are a good mother, but with that being said, you have to really see what some of us are telling you. By playing a trick on her, it will make things worse. I can pretty much guarantee that. There are other issues going on which I'm sure you're not comfy posting about, home life, step kids, step father etc...I don't know...But something isn't right. She's screaming it by her actions. And I really believe it's not about defying you both, she is telling you in her own way...So stop and listen. Get her the help she may need. Please keep in mind this was my h's idea not mine !! i didn't agree that why i posted it!!! Yes ss can be mean to my daughter and acts like she a diease and will mouth her and tell her to get out of his room!! She always trying to get attention from him and dad !! I am the one that does everything with her read play ride bikes whatever dad doesn't !! She loves the outside and wants to play out but it has been cold and we can't go out and she is mad may be she is bored !! i hate winter and hate being inside and it can be depressing !!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 Lilmoma, parenting is the hardest job in the world. And some children are harder than others. My first child was wild. I say she was born an adolescent--sassy, strong-willed, rebellious, etc. I'm an academic. I do life by researching it first (I know, don't bother!). I couldn't find this child in any standard baby or parenting books. I was about to lose my mind. Three things that helped: 1--A book with a horrible title: The Difficult Child. This helped me understand that I have a hyper-sensitive child who has turned out to be a sheer delight. I'm not always a fan of the Dobson materials, but The Strong-Willed Child is another good book, though I don't think spanking is the way to go to earn respect and love. 2--Family counseling. The day my 6-year-old locked herself in her room and said, "Well, I'll just kill myself then!" shocked me into seeing there were things going on in our household that we all needed to attend to together. We went for 5 sessions and the counsellor told us that our child was playing us for attention. The more dramatic the behavior, the more we responded. Duh! 3--Behavior modification. We set up a bean jar where anytime she did something good she got so many beans. Once she had so many beans, she could trade them in for a predesignated reward we'd agreed upon. She got beans taken away for bad behavior, too. We set up the system together so she understood it, why she got so many beans for what behaviors and why she got so many taken away for x, y, z behaviors. Worked like a charm. A chart can work, too. Whatever you do, you have to do consistently. Consistency seems to be everything for some of these kids. But once YOU follow through with the behavior modification, she'll start to fall in. Ever watched Nanny 911? Wish that had been on when my kids were little. But yeah, I agree, this goes far beyond Christmas. I'd bet she needs to know the rules and have them enforced to feel safe. Daddy coming and going probably brings chaos, rule changes, and she doesn't know how to handle it. Hang in there! Thanks becoming and what you described in your child sounds like my daughter thanks for the books i will be sure to get me them to help me in this time of need!! i will go search for them now onlne thanks again!! Yes i am consistant and follow through and dad is now but he use to try and be their friend so i guess it is an adjustment she has to endure and get use to!!! Yes i watch the Nanny 911 and that is where i got the behavior chart so that she could be rewarded for good behavior but she hasn't had enough smileys to get that movie she is wanting to see Chicken Little and she is mad !!!
Outcast Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 ut it has been cold and we can't go out and she is mad may be she is bored !! i hate winter and hate being inside and it can be depressing !! I always played out in the cold when I was little! Why not make snowmen? Snow angels? Get bundled up and go for a walk? Skate? No need to hibernate inside just because it's cold!!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 I always played out in the cold when I was little! Why not make snowmen? Snow angels? Get bundled up and go for a walk? Skate? No need to hibernate inside just because it's cold!! Not snowing here but expecting sleet/freezing rain !! Daughter immune system is down so i won't let her play out in the cold too much.. i let her take the dog out and walk her but thats it!! She has allergies and always out of school have to be careful she catches everything!!
Becoming Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 but she hasn't had enough smileys to get that movie she is wanting to see Chicken Little and she is mad !! Here's where most of us cave, isn't it? Let her be mad. Empathize with her anger: "Gee, it must feel rotten to not have enough smileys to go see that movie, huh?" Listen to her rant, don't take the blame bait she'll try to throw on you. "I understand. But we're gonna stick with this because I know deep down in you want to feel good, and it's gonna feel so good when you see all those smileys . . . " yadayadayada. Honestly, it was easier to cave at this point b/c my kid knew exactly how to push all my buttons. As the family counsellor put it: this child knows all the buttons and is playing you like a church pipe organ with all the stops out. She's running the show, and that feels scary to her because she knows she's not equipped to. She needs you to run things and hold firm. Stay strong! The hardest part is staying in control of our own wits with these kids. So come here and vent!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 Here's where most of us cave, isn't it? Let her be mad. Empathize with her anger: "Gee, it must feel rotten to not have enough smileys to go see that movie, huh?" Listen to her rant, don't take the blame bait she'll try to throw on you. "I understand. But we're gonna stick with this because I know deep down in you want to feel good, and it's gonna feel so good when you see all those smileys . . . " yadayadayada. Honestly, it was easier to cave at this point b/c my kid knew exactly how to push all my buttons. As the family counsellor put it: this child knows all the buttons and is playing you like a church pipe organ with all the stops out. She's running the show, and that feels scary to her because she knows she's not equipped to. She needs you to run things and hold firm. Stay strong! The hardest part is staying in control of our own wits with these kids. So come here and vent! Thanks Becoming glad to see there are people understand that i am doing what needs to be done and going to stand by what i say this has been almost 2 mths since she lost the movie and i will not bend no matter what
Wicker06 Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 How long has she been displaying this behavior? Yes consistancy is the key. Its good you take things away when shes not behaving etc. However, after all the taking away of friends, games, movies previlages etc, and time rolls on, and she is still displaying this behavior, what will you do then? I think theres some deep rooted issues going on here that need to be delt with by a professional. Still be consistant though, I'm not saying give up on that, but along with your consitancy, there needs to be someone that can help you get to the root of the real issue here. You/we all can play the guessing game of'What is wrong with my child?" but the thing is, it can be a number of things. Its probably not just one thing but several all rolled up in one.
Becoming Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Thanks Becoming glad to see there are people understand that i am doing what needs to be done and going to stand by what i say this has been almost 2 mths since she lost the movie and i will not bend no matter what Two months, huh? WHew! She is a tough nut to crack. Is the system set up for her to really succeed? (No judgment. I have a tendency to have unrealistic expectations sometimes, and this was a problem.) If she perceives that she just can't win, that no one sees her acting well, she'll simply give up and quit trying, in which case the chart only reinforces hopelessness, which you don't want. Can she earn a smiley for doing something as simple as "sitting quietly during {whatever}" "talking respectfully to Mom" "brushing teeth" , etc.? In other words, we have to build her potential success into the chart so she makes the connection between good behavior and good things coming to her as a result--not "there's no way I can ever earn enough smileys so why bother I'm just a bad person what's wrong with them that they can't love me anyway" Catch 'em when they're being good and reward then--that really helps!
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