HopeInTears Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Hi everyone... it's been a while since I posted... I finally got the courage up to end it with my MM. We have been NC for 2 1/2 weeks, and I was feeling really good and strong. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving. Yes we were intimate. At the time I was a little nervous because I was late, but I am on birth control. He insisted I take a couple tests, both of which read negative. We talked in depth about what the options would be and he said he would never want me to go through it alone. Well, jump ahead two weeks later and I am pregnant. I feel I have made my decision with the help of two VERY close friends and my therapist. My issue now is this.. do I tell him? I have been NC. I hate to destroy that wall between us I have been constructing. I've finally been moving into a saner and healthier place WITHOUT him. My fear is that if I tell him, he will use this experience to bring us closer. My therapist agreed that he is likely to do that. Part of me feels like he has a right to know. But part of me feels he has no need to know anything. I'm kind of on the fence, though leaning toward not telling him. Anyone been in a similar situation? I hate to take a chance that will reconnect us if it's not necessary. HIT
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 If you are deciding to keep this child then he deserves to know. If you have decided not to, then don't say anything. I don't know what else to tell you except go with your heart on this one. You deserve more than just to be an OW to a man, but I think in this case you may end up not having him. I assume he's still with his wife and has no intention of leaving her? Even if you tell him, he HAS to come clean and tell his wife. Good luck.
newbby Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 maybe wait till you are stronger and then tell him. give nc another few months and make full use of that time. wait until past the 4 months pregnancy stage aswell. at some point though, you should tell him, unless you think he is not a nice person.
JayKay Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 I agree with the earlier poster who said if you plan to end the pregnancy, he really doesn't need to know. Of course if you plan to keep the child he absolutely needs to know. I'd wait until the 1st trimester is over though as many woman spontaneously (naturally) abort pregnancies early on in the process. I wouldn't count on that natural process, however, if you really don't want the pregnancy.
newbby Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 i'm sorry i just totally assumed you were keeping it. maybe just because you didnt state otherwise. sorry. do you know what you are going to do?
Author HopeInTears Posted December 15, 2005 Author Posted December 15, 2005 Well i pretty much have decided to not have the baby. There are many reasons for this... it is not an easy decision or one to make lightly. I have seriously considered keeping the baby also, but there are again, many reasons I feel that wouldn't be a wise choice. I have an appointment saturday at a clinic where I will get further testing and an ultrasound first. My MM is still with his wife. He will not leave her now. She just had a baby about the same time I got pregnant. As far as I know, she does not know about me, nor do I feel I should tell her or contact her. Being a mother myself, I know the hormones and emotions you are going through... she has enough on her plate, in addition to having HIM for a husband. I think my biggest fear about telling him is reestablishing contact, when I had done so well at having No Contact. I don't want to have to start over. There is a small part of me that wants his input, and would like him to help financially. The cost is a burden, one I can handle though, so not a major reason for contacting him. He is aware that I have been concerned. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted from this. I really just want it to all be over and him to completely be out of my life. Because we have common situations, I know there is a good chance of running in to him in the future. But for now, I am making every effort to avoid that happening until I am healed. I guess this is just a set back - I will never be truly free of him. Even when all is said and done, he dramatically changed my life.
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 You will be free of him eventually. YOU have the power to take control of that and DO NOT allow him to enter your thoughts. I feel for you and the choice you've had to make. Stay strong and don't call him. There is no need, especially now reading that his wife just had a baby and he has no intention of ever leaving her anyway. DO what is right for you. Forget him and his existance.
Sami_D Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Hello HopeinTears. Firstly, congratulations on realising that you need to end it with him, and for maintaining NC. What you seem to be saying is that you've found yourself pregnant by him, but have decided to have a termination. This being the case, you're considering breaking NC because you would like his financial assistance in terminating..? (apologies if I've read this wrong) If that is the case, then I would say... it would be much, much better if you can find the support you need elsewhere. You've made the break, you know what you want (?), and re-making contact with him for something purely financial seems unwise. Is this how it is, or are there emotional reasons that you are thinking of contacting him..?
newbby Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 there is no reason for you to contact him if you are deciding to terminate the pregnancy. in fact that is hard enough as it is with all the hormones aswell as the emotions involved, you dont need to add stress to your life by keeping him in it, especially if you are already a mother. take care
Author HopeInTears Posted December 18, 2005 Author Posted December 18, 2005 First I want to thank everyone... I am still NC - and am now at 3 and 1/2 weeks NC. I will continue past the 1 month mark and be proud... I have decided against asking him for any support, financial or otherwise... I have worked too hard to get where I am emotionally, and giving him any kind of window would be emotionally crippling to me... I've talked in depth with my therapist about this and decided that MM shouldn't have any knowledge or access to this situation because he is likely to use it to reestablish himself in my life... I am staying strong and I know I will be alright through this... very fortunate to have a small, tighknit circle of friends to support me... The NC will continue as long as I continue to stay on the path to getting healthy... thanks again everyone for their kinds words and opinions...
damwinston Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 Hi - I was in the same situation but before going NC. Now it is 4 months later and he is back with girlfriend (who called me friday night). You are in a lose/lose situation. The only way out is, and this is with the understanding that you have decided not to have the child, to not tell him. In my situation I told him that I thought that I was pregnant. He never came up here. I took the test (negative). I told the guy. Then I went to the doctor and was told that I had probably miscarried. I told him that also. Depending on his mood he either: didn't believe me, told everyone about it, refused to tell anyone about it, told everyone how horrible I was for considering an abortion, refused to talk to me about it, or only talked about it. I wish he I had never told him - he just used it against me when he felt like So now 4 months later I lost him (thank goodness I can say now) and quite possibly a baby. The only thing positive that I can say about it is when my friends say "well it could be worse" I can say that yes, it could. I could have actually had a child with him and my child would be raised (at least part time) by him and his girlfriend (who, I truly believe, abuses at least one of their children - the girl). Please understand this is all with the assumption that you do not plan to keep the child. If you choose to keep the child then my advice would be different. This is just my experience. It is such a personal and private decision - don't give him the power to hold your decision against you. love, dammy
Author HopeInTears Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 Hi everyone... Its been a while but I thought I would post an update... I have had a miscarriage... A friend said it was the work of God, which I truly believe... I had postponed the abortion to go to the doctor and give myself a little more time to consider my options more thoroughly and with the help of my therapist... I believe so strongly that it all happened for a reason... It was hard... I seriously wanted to contact my MM, but is has now been a month NC, and I am proud of that... if I made it through this without him, then I know I will be alright... Thanks for all your support... HiT
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I agree with your friend and I hope you look at it that way too. I'm sorry that happened but I guess it's nature's way of dealing with the situation... I mean that in the kindest way. Keep talking to your therapist, it's still an awful loss and I'm sure you have alot of emotions going on inside you. Keep up with the NC! I'm glad that you've stuck with it! You will be alright, you have some good friends, your therapist, family around you! Take care of you now.
Sami_D Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 Hey Hope in Tears.. read your update and I'm hoping you're ok. Take care of yourself. Love x
damwinston Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 Seems that we were are in similar situations so I know how much it hurts, believe me I do. I am sorry that this is happening to you though. All my best for the New Year and for NC, dammy
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