sunshinegrey Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 We went out a year and four months. He always said he wanted to get married one day, but when I left for college things became strained. About 3 weeks ago he said he needed a break... we got in several arguments, and now he says he wants to be with me forever, and just needs time to himself because he isn't ready for "forever" yet. He's never given me a reason to not trust him, and he still says he loves me and wants me to be happy. Do you think he will actually come back around, or is this a cop out? I don't understand how if you've found your "forever" someone could take a chance at letting them get away... maybe that's what he wants? Yet, when I tell him I don't want him in my life because it hurts he talks me into staying around. It hurts, and I don't understand. He's my best friend, and I love him and want him back.
itwontdawnsooner Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 this can become a vicious cycle - attachment, not wanting to let go. its very strong and eventually someone has to make a harsher break on it. until one of you is sure of "forever" or sure of wanting to break it off, this will continue there's nothing you can do except be honest with what you feel and do what is best for you. you love him and want him back - but do you think this cycle will stop? (not a rhetorical question)
Author sunshinegrey Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 So I'm confused... does that mean I should keep on loving him, or what? I don't understand the cycle thing.
riobikini Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Sunshine... Thing # 1) CHOOSING to love or not love is something we do with our heart, not our head...so if you're reallly truly in love with him you can't just up and say "OK, I don't love you anymore", like a five year old would who's just mad or hurt because her best friend is playing with somebody else on the playground. You can make up your mind to view the facts about your relationship with someone and even be rough on yourself (as you should, sometimes) in facing real issues, concerns and problems...and although coming face to face with the truth about your relationship may cause you to feel something more or something less....you still can't just say " Love take a hike, from my heart". If you love someone, you burn with it. Thing #2) Attachment to the wrong guy. Look...he may be the wrong guy for you but he's the right guy for someone else...do yourself a favor (and someone else, too) -and turn him loose back into the pond where you found him ....there's another little fishy-ette in there who'll make him happy. He doesn't sound like he really, really knows what he wants...but if there's even a grain of hope that you two will ever be in a meaningful lasting relationship, he's gonna have to know more informations about himself. Look at him like the owner of a car (the 'car' represents him) ...if he doesn't enough about the vehicle to operate it, and doesn't know exacly where he's going, do you really want to be a passenger? Give him time to read the manual. Thing #3) You find your OWN pond and jump back in, too. You don't have to hop right into bed with another guy but you should see people. Don't let your life stagnate and become bitter waiting on Wonder Boy to find out what he wants in life. This is a very good time to improve yourself. Start doing new stuff. Choose from these catagories: (a) Something Physical , (b) Something to improve your mind, © Something that explores your 'inner' spirit, (d) Something for your wardrobe and your grooming By the time you've chosen something from each catagory, your list should read something like this: you bought a sexy new outfit with a top you'd never have worn before; you went to a dayspa and got the works; you started taking really fun belly dancing clases with a mystical tone; you found out you love hiking, after all, with a group....and hey- you can always add more. The point is...this break in the relationship is time that both of you should use to improve, soul search, have fun (yes! fun!), and grow in a healthy way towards your future. Now smile...because your reflection in the mirror has been missing that.
ashley83 Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 This is exactly what I'm going through right now. My ex did a 180 in a couple of hours! I'm perplexed.
riobikini Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Sunshine... Thing # 1) CHOOSING to love or not love is something we do with our heart, not our head...so if you're reallly truly in love with him you can't just up and say "OK, I don't love you anymore", like a five year old would who's just mad or hurt because her best friend is playing with somebody else on the playground. You can make up your mind to view the facts about your relationship with someone and even be rough on yourself (as you should, sometimes) in facing real issues, concerns and problems...and although coming face to face with the truth about your relationship may cause you to feel something more or something less....you still can't just say " Love, take a hike from my heart". If you love someone, you burn with it. Thing #2) Attachment to the wrong guy. Look...he may be the wrong guy for you but he's the right guy for someone else...do yourself a favor (and someone else, too) -and turn him loose back into the pond where you found him ....there's another little fishy-ette in there who'll make him happy. He doesn't sound like he really, really knows what he wants...but if there's even a grain of hope that you two will ever be in a meaningful lasting relationship, he's gonna have to know more information about himself. Look at him like the owner of a car (the 'car' represents him) ...if he doesn't know enough about the vehicle to operate it, and doesn't know exacly where he's going, do you really want to be a passenger? Give him time to read the manual. Thing #3) You find your OWN pond and jump back in, too. You don't have to hop right into bed with another guy but you should see people. Don't let your life stagnate and become bitter waiting on Wonder Boy to find out what he wants in life. This is a very good time to improve yourself. Start doing new stuff. Choose from these catagories: (a) Something Physical , (b) Something to improve your mind, © Something that explores your 'inner' spirit, (d) Something for your wardrobe and your grooming By the time you've chosen something from each catagory, your list should read something like this: you bought a sexy new outfit with a top you'd never have worn before; you went to a dayspa and got the works; you started taking really fun belly dancing classes with a mystical tone; you found out you love hiking, after all, with a group....and hey- you can always add more catagories. The point is...this break in the relationship is time that both of you should use to improve, soul search, have fun (yes! fun!), and grow in a healthy way towards your future. Now smile...because your reflection in the mirror has been missing that.
Author sunshinegrey Posted December 17, 2005 Author Posted December 17, 2005 Okay, so Thursday I cam home to go to his little cousin's birthday party 9she's turning 5 and wanted me to come)... so we're doing good, being friends and all, then as usual we get on the subject of us... how he knows he wants to be with me but needs time. So that night I went to a high school band concert with some friends, then calle dhim and told him I needed to talk about something. We met at Jack In The Box... I told him I couldn't do this anymore, that he either wanted to be with me or didn't, because actions speak louder than words. I told him we were either going to be just friends without talking about getting back together or we were getting back together. He said, "You mean we would never get back together?" like he was worried, and I said "Exactly. You are sending me through a meat grinder everytime I see you, and I have to quit being stupid." So he asked to have the weekend to think about everything since he will be out in the middle of nowhere with plenty of time to think. I said okay, and he said he would have an answer by then. Why all of a sudden can he come up with an answer when before it was an indefinite amount of time, and what do you think he is going to say??! I mean, I am fine either way at this point I am just tired of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed again.
monkeybars Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 discoouraging or anything, but, if it'd not an immediate yes, it will most likely be either a--I need more time, which will eventually lead to a no, or an immediate no. Don't torture yourself anymore, if someone lets you go, let them.
Frustrated_in_LA Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 ... if someone lets you go, let them. wow. can I use that??
Author sunshinegrey Posted December 18, 2005 Author Posted December 18, 2005 That's exactly what I started to think last night. If he wants me back as bad as he says he does, he wouldn't take the chance of losing me... What a loser. Or maybe I was for holding on lol... whatever though. Life goes on!
Rebellious Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 We went out a year and four months. He always said he wanted to get married one day, but when I left for college things became strained. About 3 weeks ago he said he needed a break... we got in several arguments, and now he says he wants to be with me forever, and just needs time to himself because he isn't ready for "forever" yet. He's never given me a reason to not trust him, and he still says he loves me and wants me to be happy. Do you think he will actually come back around, or is this a cop out? I don't understand how if you've found your "forever" someone could take a chance at letting them get away... maybe that's what he wants? Yet, when I tell him I don't want him in my life because it hurts he talks me into staying around. It hurts, and I don't understand. He's my best friend, and I love him and want him back. You didn't say what the heck is "forever"? There is no such thing. One day at a time is the best you can do, because there's no "forever"
Recommended Posts