Break up after 6 years, really hurting

[autopsy]

I’m writing this because, as of two weeks ago, my girlfriend of almost six years decided to break it off and head separate ways. Now, I’ll preface this with a lot of details and explanations, but I am really, really hoping that I will be so fortunate enough to find someone on here who will take the time to read what I have to say and throw some advice my way, because I’m fighting for my health right now.

 

I met my girlfriend of six years when we were 16, high school sweethearts if you will, and things were very good. We had problems naturally, but nothing which derailed the relationship. As of September, she decided to approach life differently. She wanted to become very social (which implies a lot more partying, mingling with others, and so forth), and she accomplished just that. For part of this time, she would never invite me out, sometimes because it was a girl’s night, but I would later find out that there were guys there, or that she had invited other guys and not me. I naturally did not like this, we discussed it, and she started inviting me.

 

Back at home, she would hide her online conversations with other guys from me. I could walk into a room, and a message would close almost instantly. If I happened to be sitting close to her while she was online, she would not answer messages from guys – but wait until I left. I really started getting suspicious at this point, and conversely, she started taking offense to it, accusing me of not trusting her. But I maintained that the only reason I started getting suspicious was because she kept hiding her conversations and deleting her history. All this time, she thrived on the attention she was getting from other guys. She did not shy from admitting this to me, either.

 

Throughout this time, my attitude with her got a lot worse primarily because I was trying to cope with how she had become a changed person. She did not like this (rightfully so), and this would later serve as a major reason for leaving me. Additionally, last year one of her friend's went through almost identical phases with her boyfriend of 4 years -- and they ended up apart because she broke up with him to 'find herself'.

 

Two weeks ago, she decided enough was enough and decided to break up with me. She noted that she wanted to be sure I was the one for her. She mentioned that since we got together when we were 16, she wasn’t quite sure what it was like with others. She also said that her mingling with other guys should not be a problem during this breakup. In other words, she wanted her freedom to do whatever she wishes. She wanted to find herself.

 

There are supposedly two reasons why she left: because I did not provide enough romance or spark to the relationship, and because I was so negative. As for romance, I admitted that there was more that I could do – but I also said that there were things she could do, too, because she never initiated anything. She expected to be romanticized. She even went so far as to say that guys do not need romance. For the negativity, I again admitted that my attitude was less than polite, but based on the recent circumstances, it was a little understandable.

 

She left to live at a friend’s house for a week. She was at our place for some of today, but then later took off. As of tonight, she is sleeping at a guy’s house (I don’t even know who) – she lied about where she was going, and I only found this out by talking to her friends because I was not sure where she was going to sleep for the night (her friend could not accommodate her anymore). She is not answering her cell-phone, and I have not been able to find out what exactly is going on. It really is a wonderful situation.

 

Now that I’ve gotten through that, I need to explain her background a bit. She was sexually abused as a younger child, and her father has been a bird-on-a-wire all his life. He has never been a steady father figure in her life, and her family life has been full of turmoil. I’ve shared in all her pain throughout this time.

 

My friends took a different approach to this issue. They argued that the problem wasn’t so much with me as it was her running away from her pain. They say she is running away from the pain in her life, but it’s almost like she doesn’t know it or doesn’t want to recognize it. They say she will just encounter more pain the farther she runs.

 

Part of the reason for this is because a lack of spark is no reason to call off a relationship of six years. I love her so much, but breaking up is not an option. Relationships go through highs and lows, rough and smooth, and it is part of the battle to work through it and emerge stronger.

 

So right now she is off living at another guy’s house, who I don’t know, and I’m left abandoned. I really don’t know what to do. Friend’s say if I try to confront her and say, ‘Look, I know your in pain, here’s why, etc.’, she will view me as the enemy. They say I should just let her go on and keep experiencing pain until she realizes things.

 

But I can’t wait that long. It hurts far too much, but I also don’t really want to leave her (although she left me – but she did say that she really wanted to fix the relationship). But then, something like today where she lies to me and ends up at some guy’s house to sleep? I mean, come on, that just isn’t right. Does anyone have any advice as to what to do? Should I wait, move on, or try to help out as best I can? I really hope someone will take the time to help me out here. Thank you.

[J dub]

I feel your pain, really I do...I went thru it immediately following highschool and it really turned me into a different person.

 

I didnt understand how he could leave me seeing as we had a great time together and whatnot. The problem was, we didnt know WHO we were by remaining together...by seperating we were able to date and get to know others. I've had so many experiences since then, I cant even imagine where I would be had we remained together. I suspect we'd have eventually split due to needing to "sow our oats", which is exactly what your girl is doing.

 

The only thing you can do is support her decision and move on. Maybe someday you will reconcile, maybe not. Someone said to me (as I was going thru this) that it might hurt like hell right now, but there will be a time when I look back on it and understand why he did it and be thankful that it happened when it did. She was right...I still talk to him on occasion and although I wish him the best, I cant see myself with him. Oh, and he DID come back to me, but by then i had already had enough time to realize we werent good for eachother any longer (ironic, of course).

 

If you beg and plea, it will only hurt your chances of remaining on her good side. If you talk to her (Which you shouldnt, but sometimes these things cant be avoided), express to her that you dont like her decision but that you love her and want her to be happy so she has to do what she has to do. If youre supportive, she'll be more open with you and perhaps allow her to see that you are the one for her.

 

Either way, when a girl says she needs to find herself, you gotta believe her. And she does...I did, and I am damn glad I did because I am a better person for it.

 

After some time apart, you may realize you werent so great together, after all. Right now youre being smashed with emotions so you obviously wont see it this way, but give it time...

 

[Lonely and confused]

Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. Except for a few things, like her talking to other men and so forth. My girlfriend and I also met at 16 and were best friends and dated for five years and went through everything. The entire time I dated her she was against drinking and would go to bed even on weekend at 12 or so. I told her we needed to go out more but she was such a sweet girl I didn't push it. She was a part of my family and was there almost every day. Until two months ago.

 

She dumped me out of the blue, a day after telling me she wanted no one but me, wanted to marry me. She completely cut me out of her life, cut my family out and COMPLETELY changed. She claimed she was never truelly happy and felt like we were just friends. Now, this caught me off guard simply because well, she was a damn good actor and a sociopath. Now she goes out drinking every night and gets home at 6 a.m. and is a complete BITCH. She is nasty to me and talks behind my back and everything. She has been incredibly cruel to me that even her friends and her own family members have told me they are sorry and feel terrible for me, they simply cant stand her anymore either. This was a girl that to me was a such a sweetheart and dainty, and just all around a great person to talk to.

 

I had to make the worst choice I ever made in my life and cut my losses and move on. It is now about 2 and half months later, and I have my days. I find myself missing a person who no longer exists. What saved me is cutting contact completely. She has tried to contact me several times but I dont respond.

 

As sad as it is, and as much as it breaks my heart everyday, I build strength knowing it is NOT the end of the world. I was like you for a month after it happened. I could barely eat, I could barely sleep. I just could not understand how another person could be like that.

 

I feel terrible for you, simply because I know how you feel, you not only lost your girlfriend but you lost your best friend. You two were 16 when you met, and breaking up makes no sense. I think being the age you are also signifies the fact you just lost your childhood finally. She was a part of it. Thats atleast how I feel.

 

If there is anything I can tell you it is this. Don't for a second ever think what you did is your fault. As cruel as it is, people change. And do you really want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you? It took me a while to say no. But I can now.

 

You know the things you need to do. At times it will feel like you can't do it, that the world is coming to and end and you may toss and turn and feel sick to your stomach. If you focus on her, you will never focus on yourself and you will fall apart. Part of the greiving process entails that you fall apart, but you cant let it take over your life.

 

A month later I began to make new friends and even though I was emberrased I talked to a school conselour about how I felt simply so I didn't drive away my friends.

 

The biggest step I made was I began working at a children's hospital. It changed my life. The second I stepped in there and saw the horrific things these children were dealing with I felt ashamed I felt sorry for myself. The kids changed my life and made me realize that everything I have lost they will never even have the chance to lose. Everyday broke my heart there and made me stronger. If you could volunteer your time it will help you feel better about yourself and see there is so much more to the world. You will began to find YOURSELF again.

 

I also joined as many clubs as I could even if I didnt feel like getting out of bed.

 

It's a long response but I just know exactly how you feel. You feel forgotten, you feel like you have fallen off the face of the earth. You feel like the only person you "knew" you never knew at all. I feel terrible for you.

 

Take care of yourself, and as hard as it is. DON'T CONTACT HER. ASK YOUR MUTUAL FRIENDS TO KINDLY NOT TALK TO YOU ABOUT HER. Don't try to find out where she is, or who she is with, or what she is doing. Don't check her screen name (if she has one) and don't call her. I know you worry about her, that shows you are a good person. But the best thing to do is completely take every aspect of her out of your life. Dont try to know anything. She may try to be a friend. Tell her you respect her desicion but that she needs to respect yours also and please give you space. It will be incredibly hard, and sometimes feel like the worst decision you made. But, in the end, you will wake up someday and know it was the right one. Maybe it wasnt the best one, but it was right.

 

Sorry this was long, but take care of yourself most importantly and find beauty in life. Sitting around feeling sick about a situation you CAN'T change will destroy you. It isnt attractive, and it makes you look pathetic (YOU ARENT THOUGH! YOU ARE GREIVING).

 

GOOD LUCK. and the thing to remember is that you will be OK. You sound like a good person and you don't need anyone to make you feel complete.

 

Most importantly remember....You are alive, you have infinitie possibilities. What's a little pain compared to that?

[ginger1]

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Being a woman, I can honestly tell you that we get confused with relationships EASILY. I know I've done similar things that she has done because I wasn't sure of what I wanted. You don't really know what you want and what is right, until you have something wrong to compare it to. It's hard to find what you want, if you don't know what you DON'T want, you know what I mean?

 

In my opinion, I know that it hurts, but if you truly love her, you should be there for her, regardless if it's as her boyfriend, or a supportive friend. Even though seeing her with someone else hurts, it makes you a better person to provide her with support and friendship. Trust me, if it's meant to be, she will come back. If not, then at least you won't lose her friendship. If you give up on her, that doesn't say much for your love and dedication. Love is more than a relationship. It's more than being with someone. When you truly love someone, the only thing in the world you should want for that person is their happiness, even if it is not with you. I know it hurts now, but try to find peace in her search for happiness. And if you can provide the support she needs as a friend and can contribute to her happiness, that shows true love.

 

Hang in there, it will get better with time.

Ginger

[patwheel]

Being a woman, I can honestly tell you that we get confused with relationships EASILY. I know I've done similar things that she has done because I wasn't sure of what I wanted. You don't really know what you want and what is right, until you have something wrong to compare it to. It's hard to find what you want, if you don't know what you DON'T want, you know what I mean?

 

Summarized the whole "Why people have a quarter-life crisis?" Excellent!

 

Im sorry that youre going through this difficult pass. But it is just a wrong turn, and soon, you'll realize that it will make you better and set you on the right path again.

Read some posts here, there are some very similar to your tale. I was there about 1 month and a half now, and I thought my whole world collapsed. Well, you know what, instead of collapsing and me sinking in, it gave me a whole new point of view on who I was and what I want. Just like Ginger said, without her breaking up with me, I would have never seen my flaws, and what I should be working on for my own good. I also saw what I was overseeing when I was with my ex, and that I should not be with that kind of person again.

 

Learn how to see the good in the bad, it takes time, I know, but you'll get there.

 

Until then, stay busy, christmas is coming, focus on your friends and family. Get some unconditional loving back into your system!

 

Good luck to you and we're here to help!