GuestUsername Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 I’m writing this because, as of two weeks ago, my girlfriend of almost six years decided to break it off and head separate ways. Now, I’ll preface this with a lot of details and explanations, but I am really, really hoping that I will be so fortunate enough to find someone on here who will take the time to read what I have to say and throw some advice my way, because I’m fighting for my health right now. I met my girlfriend of six years when we were 16, high school sweethearts if you will, and things were very good. We had problems naturally, but nothing which derailed the relationship. As of September, she decided to approach life differently. She wanted to become very social (which implies a lot more partying, mingling with others, and so forth), and she accomplished just that. For part of this time, she would never invite me out, sometimes because it was a girl’s night, but I would later find out that there were guys there, or that she had invited other guys and not me. I naturally did not like this, we discussed it, and she started inviting me. Back at home, she would hide her online conversations with other guys from me. I could walk into a room, and a message would close almost instantly. If I happened to be sitting close to her while she was online, she would not answer messages from guys – but wait until I left. I really started getting suspicious at this point, and conversely, she started taking offense to it, accusing me of not trusting her. But I maintained that the only reason I started getting suspicious was because she kept hiding her conversations and deleting her history. All this time, she thrived on the attention she was getting from other guys. She did not shy from admitting this to me, either. Throughout this time, my attitude with her got a lot worse primarily because I was trying to cope with how she had become a changed person. She did not like this (rightfully so), and this would later serve as a major reason for leaving me. Additionally, last year one of her friend's went through almost identical phases with her boyfriend of 4 years -- and they ended up apart because she broke up with him to 'find herself'. Two weeks ago, she decided enough was enough and decided to break up with me. She noted that she wanted to be sure I was the one for her. She mentioned that since we got together when we were 16, she wasn’t quite sure what it was like with others. She also said that her mingling with other guys should not be a problem during this breakup. In other words, she wanted her freedom to do whatever she wishes. She wanted to find herself. There are supposedly two reasons why she left: because I did not provide enough romance or spark to the relationship, and because I was so negative. As for romance, I admitted that there was more that I could do – but I also said that there were things she could do, too, because she never initiated anything. She expected to be romanticized. She even went so far as to say that guys do not need romance. For the negativity, I again admitted that my attitude was less than polite, but based on the recent circumstances, it was a little understandable. She left to live at a friend’s house for a week. She was at our place for some of today, but then later took off. As of tonight, she is sleeping at a guy’s house (I don’t even know who) – she lied about where she was going, and I only found this out by talking to her friends because I was not sure where she was going to sleep for the night (her friend could not accommodate her anymore). She is not answering her cell-phone, and I have not been able to find out what exactly is going on. It really is a wonderful situation. Now that I’ve gotten through that, I need to explain her background a bit. She was sexually abused as a younger child, and her father has been a bird-on-a-wire all his life. He has never been a steady father figure in her life, and her family life has been full of turmoil. I’ve shared in all her pain throughout this time. My friends took a different approach to this issue. They argued that the problem wasn’t so much with me as it was her running away from her pain. They say she is running away from the pain in her life, but it’s almost like she doesn’t know it or doesn’t want to recognize it. They say she will just encounter more pain the farther she runs. Part of the reason for this is because a lack of spark is no reason to call off a relationship of six years. I love her so much, but breaking up is not an option. Relationships go through highs and lows, rough and smooth, and it is part of the battle to work through it and emerge stronger. So right now she is off living at another guy’s house, who I don’t know, and I’m left abandoned. I really don’t know what to do. Friend’s say if I try to confront her and say, ‘Look, I know your in pain, here’s why, etc.’, she will view me as the enemy. They say I should just let her go on and keep experiencing pain until she realizes things. But I can’t wait that long. It hurts far too much, but I also don’t really want to leave her (although she left me – but she did say that she really wanted to fix the relationship). But then, something like today where she lies to me and ends up at some guy’s house to sleep? I mean, come on, that just isn’t right. Does anyone have any advice as to what to do? Should I wait, move on, or try to help out as best I can? I really hope someone will take the time to help me out here. Thank you.
riobikini Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Look....I read every word of your problem...it sounds like she is looking for excitement...sex, to be frank with you. She apparently believes she has been missing something by beginning an exclusive relationship (soooo heavy) that early in her life (with you)...and now, she wants to see what she's been missing. It also appears that she's really into online stuff with other guys (dunno...a dating personals service or chatroom or something)...any way, she's keeping contact with someone (maybe more than one 'someone' online...and she definately don't want you to mess with that)... Man, she just found something and someone more exciting than she finds you. She knows you, she knows your habits, your secrets, everything about you...but she just doesn't value you anymore because of this new search for excitement. It has her full attention....it obviously involves a sexual interest...maybe even romance (or at least she thinks of it in terms of romance that she feels like she was missing in your relationship)...she really doesn't want to know how badly she's treating you right now because she's having so much fun. She knows she'll have to deal with you sooner or later but right now, it's all about her. If you love her more than your pride and your dignity and want to be dumped on and made to look like her fool, then keep chasing her and wondering about her. There's no guarantee she'll come back to you. But if you want to live past all the hurt you're feeling...you are gonna have to let go of the hope of her coming back. Start letting go now. Don't call her. Don't email her. Just let her go. If she ever does come back begging, I hope you have had time to do some introspective hinking about YOU- not her. And changed a few things....done some improvement on yourself physically and in your way of thinking. You can use this time away from her to get to know yourself better. Hell...you may find out that if you were to meet her for the first time after you've had some time to yourself...you wouldn't even look her way twice. Which for you, my friend, sets you free to grow, too. You'll come to a place in all this where you'll know she did you a favor. Just wait til you meet someone who'll love you, respect you and value YOU ...the way this girl never did. Give it some time....it'll happen. Take care.
kgal Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Well said, riobikini.. I totally agree with your comment. This is exactly what my ex did to me.. even though it was long distance.. he was always putting me last and chasing other women for the pure excitement sexual thing. Ugh.. enough to make me sick! Here I am, a good, wholesome woman.. I let this man ruin my self esteem and let him manipulate, rob and snake his way through my heart. Guest, I seriously sympathize with you! You're probably broken and overwhelmed, it hurts to have someone you love suddenly change... it does feel like someone robbed you of what you had. My problem is that I constantly compare how he use to be with the monster he turned into the very last phase of our 'ship. I have been obsessed wondering WHY?? HOW?? Why me?? It's been hard. Help is all around you.. so indulge in the best parts of who you are. You belong with a more loving partner... and especially one who will not be swayed to the "internet pool of scums" that lurke all around, trying to ruin relationships. It's a terrible and EVIL thing...though, I am not saying ALL who surf the net are bad.. but the man I messed up with was. The sad part is he may be playing others for a fool at this very moment. Anyways.. I am bitter, I admit.. but I hope you realize that the best thing would be to move far from that "type" of person.. just be you.. love who you are... constantly remind yourself who she gave up.. you are on to better things! God bless and keep up the faith, you will meet someone special who only wants you.
CaliGuy Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 This sounds exactly like my ex. She got everything she needed with me, but it wasn't enough. She reveled in the attention of other men. Annoying, but a big warning sign she has a problem that makes her the wrong girl for me.
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