jen_jen_heartbroken Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 My boyfriend has some serious issues and stress from his job, which demands too much of his time and requires a bit of travel too. As a result, we only see each other for a couple of hours on a weekend night...for dinner or something. This has been going on for a few months now. I know this is putting a big strain on our relationship, but there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. He says he's keeping his eye out for another job, but he hasn't interviewed for anything. How long should I let this go on? How can we progress to the next level when we see so little of each other. In so many ways I feel like he's choosing his job over us. Every time I bring it up, we get into an argument and he withdraws.
itwontdawnsooner Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 i can see how that's very straining! being forced to "choose" between one thing and another is unfair, however. if he isn't able to make time for you, and you need more time from him, you have two choices: 1) wait, 2) don't. not to be so black and white but really, if it's not acceptable to you what he is doing now, and he's not making an effort to change it (assuming youve been clear that you need this, not just subtle hints, etc), it's time to make a bigger change
Gold Pile Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 He might like this situation. He gets to have weekly sex without much of the "work" in a relationship. Lots of guys don't enjoy dinner, movie, and shopping...they do it for the sex.
Walk Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 For nearly 8 months I only saw my bf once every 2 to 4 weeks. He had 34 hours off before he had to be back to work again. And had to sleep part of that time. We'd just started dating about 3 months prior to him taking this job. I went through the same feelings. Whether it was worth staying with someone who was never around. Was I wasting my life waiting for him? Was it ever going to change? He said he was trying to find something so he could get home more, but you don't really know someone after only a few months together. And I couldn't see any change. I didn't know if I should trust that he was really trying to get home more, or just playing me. I used the time he was away to do things that I enjoyed, to work on making myself a better person, to become who I wanted to be. I enjoyed the time we spent together, and I loved him very much. I didn't want someone who was just "there", I wanted him there. I used the rest of the time to pursue things I wanted to pursue. School, snowboarding, guitar, etc. I lived my life. In so many ways I feel like he's choosing his job over us. Every time I bring it up, we get into an argument and he withdraws. Yes. To a degree he is. But what is his alternative? If he quits his job, where will he work? Can he get a job with potential for promotion in his field, with good pay, and something he enjoys? Or are you asking him to quit his job so that he can find one in the area that pays half as much, in something he doesn't like? Is that what you want him to do? Just so he can be with you? I'm assuming he feels this job will afford him a better life in the future. Should he give that up? And why do you want him to? You may unintentially be attacking him. Making him feel guilty. There's a line between discussing your feelings with someone once or twice, and pushing to get what you want from them. If he's anything like my bf was, he's probably feeling bad enough being away all the time. If his being away all the time is not something you can handle, then you need to find someone who will be there for you all the time. It takes quite a bit of confidence and self-sufficiency to be with someone who is gone more then home. But I would strongly suggest, if you wish to stay with him, that you make the most of your time together. Enjoy the time you have, without bringing up how you feel. He'll feel he's failed by not getting a job that gets him home more. You're just adding stress to stress, and if you continue to, then he'll cut one of those stresses from his life. And probably not his job. Instead of spending your time worrying if this is never going to end, work on yourself. Nothing lasts forever. I don't think you're looking at the bigger picture, but are caught up in the "now" of the situation. Best you can do is attempt to lessen the stress he has in his life by not contributing to it. Unless you just need someone who can be around all the time?
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted December 16, 2005 Author Posted December 16, 2005 Thank you "Walk"...you bring up some excellent points. I have a lot of things that I like to do on my own...volunteer work being one of them...so I'm never at a loss for things to do to keep busy when he's not around. I think the hardest part is that I just plain miss him. When I don't see him for days or weeks at a time, I miss his smile, his touch, and sharing our lives with each other. And one thing that really concerns me is that his job demands are causing him so much stress that it is affecting his physical health. He has a serious medical condition that requires regular doctor appointments, and he's been so busy that he's been missing his appointments. I told him that no matter what, no job is worth risking his health for. I'm a natural care-taker at heart, and because I love him I hate to see this job robbing him of his health and taking away from all the other things that are important to him. It's not just me that he doesn't get to see....he hasn't been able to see his friends or family either....and those are important to him too. I think he feels stuck because he hasn't been at this job for all that long, and he simply doesn't have much time to look for an alternative. So I've been trying my best to be as supportive as I can. But I'm human, and I do lose my patience from time to time. I think I just need to focus on setting my needs aside for awhile and hope that the situation will improve in the long run. He is definitely worth waiting for, that's for sure. And he's said that I am the love of his life, so the feelings are mutual. And yes, unfortunately, patience is not known to be one of my strongest characteristics. It's also hard because it's the holidays, and I want to do all the couple-y type things, and it's difficult not to feel like I'm missing out on that with him. But I suppose if I focus on the long-term and our future, I can stay hopeful that we will have these opportunities again in years to come. Thanks again for the words of advice...so much of it is true. I need to help my heart catch up with my rational mind so this won't bug me as much.
Walk Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I think he feels stuck because he hasn't been at this job for all that long, and he simply doesn't have much time to look for an alternative. So I've been trying my best to be as supportive as I can. But I'm human, and I do lose my patience from time to time. I think I just need to focus on setting my needs aside for awhile and hope that the situation will improve in the long run. I hear you on how frustrating it can be. During some of the longer stretches of his being away I found it helped to just vent to someone. There's nothing wrong with feeling a bit of animosity toward the situation, it only becomes a problem if you dwell on it. And it's not something you can really vent to your partner about. They're doing the best they can in the situation, it's just a bad situation is all. My guy got to come home for 10 hours yesterday, and he slept about 8 of those. woo hoo. I won't see him again until sometime Saturday night. It's 3 in the morning here, and he left an hour ago to go back to work. We both really hate his job, but for the moment we're stuck. Any possibility of looking up job opportunities for him to consider when he gets home. Depends on how you think your guy would react. I find a bunch of jobs I think my bf would consider, and give him a list on occasion. If nothing else, I think it sometimes gives him that small glimmer of hope that there are other opportunities out there. But it really depends on your situation, and how you think your guy would react. It's also hard because it's the holidays, and I want to do all the couple-y type things, and it's difficult not to feel like I'm missing out on that with him. This time of year is hard. Plus, when you do finally get to spend time with your man, he's super tired, or has tons on his mind. It seem worse during holidays. Not sure about your guy, but mine is sicker then a dog from October until May. Too much stress, too long of hours, and poor health don't help. I feel guilty for asking him to do stuff with me, but a part of me really wants to go walk around the park and see the christmas lights, or something silly romantic like that. Oh.. one last thing. I still don't get to see my bf as much as maybe a normal couple would, but in the same respect, I think we really appreciate the time we do have together more. He's able to get home almost every weekend now, usually. It's been two years,and although I would love to see more of him, I'm incredibly grateful for the time I do get with him. The hardest parts are when we disagree over something, we dont really get the time together to hash it out. Ends up being a week before we get to sit down and discuss it again, if it's not something easily solved. But we're both very committed to this relationship, and I think we have a stronger relationship then most people I know. Feel free to PM me if you wanna vent sometime! I may not be able to help, but sometimes it helps just to get it off your chest.
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