meltwithme Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 So, I’m very confused about second chances that do happen. Someone lost enough of their feelings to decide to end a relationship. Then want nothing to do with that person. Are probably cold and quite simply don’t care a wink anymore. So, my question is how do these people find these feelings again? I guess what I’m trying to say is I can’t see it just hitting them out of the blue. My feeling is that a second chance is usually the result of getting lonely and seeing how the ole backup plan works. Or getting screwed over really bad and then trying to rebound back to something familiar. Either scenario for a second chance isn’t really good and I can't think of many more. Anyone get a second chance that’s actually working? Have you asked basically “how” their feelings came back? I’m not sure what exactly I’m getting at but I'm quite intrigued.
CaliGuy Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 So, I’m very confused about second chances that do happen. Someone lost enough of their feelings to decide to end a relationship. Then want nothing to do with that person. Are probably cold and quite simply don’t care a wink anymore. So, my question is how do these people find these feelings again? I guess what I’m trying to say is I can’t see it just hitting them out of the blue. My feeling is that a second chance is usually the result of getting lonely and seeing how the ole backup plan works. Or getting screwed over really bad and then trying to rebound back to something familiar. Either scenario for a second chance isn’t really good and I can't think of many more. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77093/ There are a multitude of reasons for breaking up with you, such as having the following issues: Drugs/Alcohol Not showing you love them Busy scheduals Distance It's the wrong time etc... In my case, it was the wrong time and my ex just doesn't want me. I am not what she is looking for. She found a guy she liked a lot and he dumped her like a hot potato. She has issues. She doesn't communicate well, etc. The harder I tried to make it work, the worse it got. She went from liking me a lot, to liking me, to not really liking me to breaking up. Her feelings changed. That happens to people when they realize "I don't have the butterflies anymore, this person doesn't make me 'gah gah', etc." That is how my ex felt about me. Once that happened, there was little I could do to salvage the relationship. It's done and over with. The best I can do now is to pick up my heart, patch it up and try again with someone new. I'm not counting on her coming back. In fact, I know there is probably no chance of that happening. She won't forget me, she loves me (but isn't IN love with me) and nobody ever treated her better than I did (and she recognizes that.) She even said you have some (but not all I suppose) of the qualities I would want in a husband. I just don't make her 'gah gah." In the instances above, sometimes those problems are corrected and the relationship can resume, sometimes they don't. It's really a roll of the dice. However, if you read the thread I linked to, hopefully it will give you some perspective. In the end, the reason they don't want you anymore (unless they tell you to fix the problem then come back to them) doesn't matter. It's how they feel now that matters. Sometimes absense can make the heart grow fonder. But for the most part, when you're dumped the Ex moves on to someone different, not necessarily better. We should be doing the same. Working on healing ourselves and improving where we can so that when do find someone who likes us as much as we do then, we have little issues to stand in the way. There is hope because there is always someone else.
J dub Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 >So, my question is how do these people find these feelings again? I guess what I’m trying to say is I can’t see it just hitting them out of the blue. It does...or its always there but it just makes itself very known once they have an opportunity to miss you. >My feeling is that a second chance is usually the result of getting lonely and seeing how the ole backup plan works. Perhaps, to some...this might be the case. >Or getting screwed over really bad and then trying to rebound back to something familiar. Same thing pretty much, sometimes it takes a screw up for someone to realize what they had. >Either scenario for a second chance isn’t really good and I can't think of many more. Mine came back because without me around he realized how much I was a part of his life without him knowing it, ie the things I taught him how to do suddenly he notices were daily routines. Products he used were inspired by my suggestion. It smacked him pretty roughly when he tried to contact me and I refused to respond (I told myself its all or nothing and I wasnt settling for crap) because he then knew I wouldnt always just be around for him. He needed to either let go for good or work his ass off to get me back. He chose the latter. >Anyone get a second chance that’s actually working? I am, we've been back together for around 4 mos now. It has its rough times, but both of us knew where we went wrong the first time and we havent fallen back into those bad habits again. I am well aware of the odds against us but who cares, I am happy and he (seems) happy as hell so we both won. > Have you asked basically “how” their feelings came back? Yes, I grilled him like a steak about everything relating to how he just suddenly HAD to have me back. I was like, how is it that last month, you wanted to "find yourself" and now you cant take it anymore without me? What HAPPENED to trigger this? He said he never stopped loving me to begin with, but he felt trapped and the only way to fix that was to let me go. I thought of multitudes of things that must've happened: surely his "new crush" dumped him (that I know of, there was none but this is just me speculating), or perhaps he finally listened to what people were telling him about how he was happier with me around. Maybe he sized me up against tons of other girls and they just didnt make the grade...I dont know. He says, he woke up and he couldnt take another second without me there. He missed me so much, it just kept growing throughout our separation. He said, "I fell deeper and deeper in love with you each day, I dont know how it was the weirdest thing". Someone once told me that men fall in love in the space you give them. That when you smother them, they need air and need out. My only guess is I was doing just that, and finally when he let me go I had the opportunity to see first hand what I did wrong. He did as well, it gave him some time to REALLY mull over what he did and didnt want in his life. In any case, no matter how many questions I asked him I still didnt really feel satisfied and my guess is because I am not in his shoes so all I can do is try to understand, but theres a chance I never will. I wasnt the one who left and came back, he was. So only he knows what went on througout the duration of all that, and whether or not I am getting the filtered version when he explains it to me is anyone's guess. I just choose to think, well... I guess he knows what life is like without me and he didnt like it. We're human, we make mistakes. Sometimes we think we know what we are doing and then suddenly we realize its not at all what we want. They say when someone commits suicide, the last few seconds they desperately dont want to die afterall (morbid, I know...but it relates). There have been times I have started arguements and then realized I was wrong mid-way, but went with it anyway because I didnt want to admit my fault. It could be a million things that causes them to return...you'll just have to find it in your heart whether or not you can forgive them. My two cents, anyhow
Roarz Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 How long did you have to implement NC JDub? And if things ended badly in the end (tried to be friends, didnt work, got pissed, and a fight was our last words) could they still end up longing for you? And if you always implement NC and never answer calls...how would you know if they wanted you back? Wait for them to leave a message saying it? I too am confused on how a strict NC can equal a second chance, if you never give the chance to hear out their plea's.
J dub Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 >How long did you have to implement NC JDub? The day he broke up with me is the day I said, fine...you can have all or none (something to that effect) and whenever he'd send me stupid texts or whatever I would just delete them. This went on for about 5, maybe 6 weeks. >And if things ended badly in the end (tried to be friends, didnt work, got pissed, and a fight was our last words) could they still end up longing for you? Yeah I have heard of situations where it got terrible and yet they still reconciled. The key, though is to move on and understand that if they do, it'll benefit you because you'll have a much better idea of what you do and dont want. >And if you always implement NC and never answer calls...how would you know if they wanted you back? If someone wants you back, they'll let you know. If they say, hey, how are ya? Theyre just asking that: how you are. If they say they miss you, so what? that does nothing. THEY WILL let you know, in some form or another that they want you back. They'll show up on your doorstep if they have to. But I dont want to be giving you ideas like this might happen for you because they may not and you'll be waiting around for nothing. The second I moved on, he came back. Seriously. Like, to the day. But it wasnt just me SAYING I moved on, I was really, honestly past the bad side of the whole process. It's best to have the mindset that they are not coming back. Then if they do, its like an added bonus...or something like that.
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