LondonBoy Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Hi, First please let me say thanks to everyone that posts advice here...I've been lurking for a few weeks and I've found it an absolutely fantastic resource to help me get through my girlfriend leaving me. We're both 25 and have been together for 4 years (still writing in the present tense, I'll have to stop that) and have lived with each other for the last two years as grad students at the same university. We were very happy, loving and affectionate together (or at least, that is how I perceived it), and in the back of my mind I always felt I'd spend the rest of my life with her. If there was one problem in the relationship, it was that I am a fairly tense, wound-up person and in times of stress I can lose my temper and get quite aggressive...although please let me make it clear that I would never and have never come close to hitting her (or anyone else for that matter). We were both due to finish our degrees in September of this year and start jobs - a fairly stressful time in itself. In February she and her family made a massive committment to me in making me the godfather of her nephew, which was a really sweet gesture. The following week my father died very suddenly, and obviously my focus changed, from finishing my degree and looking after my girlfriend to spending most of my time at the family home comforting my mother and younger brother, doing the "man of the house duties" as it were. I don't deny that my priorities changed, and throughout that time my girlfriend was absolutely amazingly supportive towards me. A few months ago we started our first jobs, her at a residential school about 15 miles from my family's house, where I was staying once I started to work since the commute from her flat would be almost impossible. Her job has been unbelievably demanding - well over 12 hour days, at least 6 days a week, and since September we have seen one another infrequently, when we have both been very tired and irritable. She has a new social circle at her workplace and very, very little time for outside interests like myself. The little rows have been continuing and getting worse, but somehow I have managed to sleepwalk my way through it all, not really realising the gravity of the situation. So two weekends ago we speak on the phone and, out of the blue, she suggests that we split up. After a lot of tears and attempts at persuasion from me, she wrote me a very resentful email, full of pent-up hate about the way I have apparently behaved. She gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line, and wrote that she has started to resent my temper, and the way that I never seem to prioritise her any more. It read exactly like the emails and conversations that I have seen on here, from people that have just fallen out of love with their partners (and almost seem to hate themselves for it). Two weeks on, I can accept that my behaviour has been poor, and that I should have been more focussed on my relationship, but I think it's clear that I have had other worries too. What I don't understand is how, in her mind, she can decide that the changes in her feelings are actually so deep and that she doesn't love me any more, rather than just a reaction to the stresses and strains of the last nine months. I love her desperately and want her back but I realise that this isn't looking very likely, and I have agreed not to contact her until she feels that it is right. So, in some sense, I don't know why I'm writing this, but I'd like some opinions on the best way for me to play this. In my mind, should I just let her go, or do I hold on to the hope that we can make this better? If we do split up, I think the pain of spending time with her in a non-romantic sense would be impossible to bear and so surely the best strategy would be for us to never meet again. But what do I do about the godson? Looking forward to reading any replies, possibly even from the girl herself... Londonboy
Frustrated_in_LA Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 First off, I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. So much loss in such a short time! I'm amazed you are holding up as well as your message conveys. I can't offer much advice off the bat, but I can suggest this- forget about the godson for now. Unless you feel obligated for religious or other deeply held convictions, stop thinking about him for now. In any case, his fate doesn't depend on your relationship. I am sure he has family and others to look after him in the ways a godparent might. You are not crucial to him right now. Will get back later if I can think of anything else to offer. Hugs
Yamaha Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Give her the space she needs as being needy will just drive her away faster. She actually broke up with an email? That is just the worst way to tell someone because your words can mean something different to the other party. You may not have intended them to read it that way and once out there it is hard to reel back in. Women give you the "love but not in-love" line when they really don't want to discuss the real issues and this is an adequate answer. I don't know if there is anything you can do so I would just try to realize that she is gone and not coming back. It sucks after 4 years but there are other women and maybe the next one will be more understanding. P.S. If your anger is an issue you might think about anger management classes to help you in your next relationship.
CaliGuy Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 First off, if you talk to her again, NEVER GROVEL, BEG, CRY or otherwise try to cling on to her. Do you love her? Of course. Did you have priorities, sure. I don't know that sending her an email is going to matter. In your case, I suppose I would say: "You're right, my priorities haven't been you lately, it's been my family because they needed me. It's something I had to do. I'm sorry you feel this way. I love you but if you want to go, I have no choice." Then stick to no contact. She may change her mind after a few weeks of no contact, then again, she may never change her mind. She needs time alone to think about what she wants. If you interfere or otherwise try to influence her, she will resent you for it. Focus on yourself and what improvements you can make. (anger management. It's not that hard. Take a deep breath and don't react. Give yourself some time to think before you say anything. It helps a lot) You have no control over her so you must, must let that go. There's nothing you can do directly to change her mind. If by some chance she later decides to give you another chance, you'll be better off as you've focused on healing and better understand what you did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. She has her issues too but you have to let her resolve them on her own. You may not even want to get back with her, who knows? The only chance you have is if her feelings change and that won't happen if you are in constant contact with her. Good luck.
gfto Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 sorry to hear what you're going through. As difficult as it is, once she gets rid of you, it's time to cut off contact and meet as many new women as you can. Don't hang on to hope of getting back together. A new girlfriend will make you forget about the old girlfriend quickly! You said a few interesting things. 1. the relationship was going well as YOU perceived it, and 2. she called you and broke up "out of the blue." But, I can assure you this wasn't out of the blue for her. I think women lose interest in a guy very gradually. She was probably finished with you some time ago. You didn't see it coming, because you were probably focusing only on YOUR interest in her. I've done the same thing. Every guy has. We get too subjective and ignore that gut feeling that something's wrong. But, I'm going off on a tangent here! My advice....new phone numbers!
Becoming Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 I don't know that sending her an email is going to matter. In your case, I suppose I would say: "You're right, my priorities haven't been you lately, it's been my family because they needed me. It's something I had to do. I'm sorry you feel this way. I love you but if you want to go, I have no choice." Sorry for your losses. This looks like good advice. If you want to, though, you might leave the door open for her to contact you if she changes her mind in the near future and make it clear that you will respect her decision and leave her alone, always think fondly of her, etc. She might realize it is just the stress of all the changes that can account for a lessening of love feelings. But of course real love is more than feelings of being in love. It's a commitment to love, a decision that can transcend the inevitable diminishing of desire, as you seem to understand. You deserve someone who knows that, too.
Author LondonBoy Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 Becoming, I think you've really hit the nail on the head there. But how can you tell what is a diminishing of that initial desire, and what is falling out of love? It certainly beats me... She broke up with her ex-boyfriend after three years, just as she was leaving her last university and they were to be living apart. So I always feared that this would happen when we were facing the same sort of situation. What's more, her ex-boyfriend died suddenly about two months ago, to add to this hideous mess. I'm just going to leave her to herself and we'll see if she gets in touch. I'll repost if she does. Thanks very much to everyone for their replies....you guys shouldn't underestimate the positive impact that you have on people that come here with these problems.
Becoming Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Becoming, I think you've really hit the nail on the head there. But how can you tell what is a diminishing of that initial desire, and what is falling out of love? It certainly beats me... Ah, there's a good question! It seems to me that love isn't something you fall out of like a hammock. Love is a decision, a commitment to love, more than just a feeling. Feelings come and go. Your gf decided to quit loving you. Why? Who knows? But when you find someone who'll make that commitment to love beyond just the initial rush of passion, it's good--not perfect--but good. Good enough, with work on both people's part, to last through most of the stresses life throws at us. For me, that's what marriage is--a commitment to love and work for one another's good together come what may. It's possible to have that. May you find that kind of love.
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