KJO314 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 My g/f of 2 year broke up with me last Saturday... We hve been long distance and I will do anything to get her back. She is a psychology master student and told me the reeason why she broke up with me was becasue she wanted time to be alone. She also said that we had "fundamental differences" in our lives. When I told her I would be doing a self-reflection on the relationship I asked her to tell me what those "fundamental differences" were. Here is what I got: Studying for finals is a pain in my rear....thanks for understanding! I think it's great that you are taking time to concentrate on doing self-reflection things. You know me....I am always one to push that sort of thing....damn psychology strikes again...As in a good answer to your question, I am honestly struggling to give you a clear-cut one. What I mean by fundamental differences are how we approach our lives. This could have to do with viewing of problems, perspectives; the lens with which we view our world were not matching. I believe people are inherently born with a temperament and are just this way. I felt that my own view of reality (which ain't perfect either) wasn't fitting with yours. I also really feel that for me, right now, this is the best thing still. I can't remember if I mentioned in my last email or not, but I wanted to say that I'd really like to stay in contact with you and be your friend. Right now, I just feel that this whole break-up thing will be easier on both of us if we didn't talk that much for a little while. I hope all is well with you, and is getting better by each passing day. What the hell is that??? What does it mean??? Is she too much into her books that it is driving her to this conclusion. Is she confused because the books are telling her one thing and she is feelign another? Or is she over anaylizing the whole situation to a point where it is just absolute madness. Please reply.... I don't want to lose my girl.. I want her back.
francis Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 hiya KJ, i'm gonna be blunt with you from the perspective of a dumpee, also a Psychology finalist... i know you want your reason and a clear explanation for the break up...but sincerely...no matter what the reason, the outcome is the same. she no longer wants to be with you, committed to you, in a relationship with you. she is obviously trying to provide you with some sort of flaky, psychologically decorated response to hide the true reality which is as simple as, 'i just want out'. 'i hope all is well and getting better with each passing day' translates to: i feel guilty and hope you are feeling less hurt so that i may feel less guilty. i'm so sorry this happened, please please just go NC now...for your own good. no girl wants to hear a man weeping desperataly down the phone, through an email, or receive annoying text messages pleading with her. dignity all the way. BE STRONG WILLED.
Art_Critic Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Sounds to me that she is being upfront and honest to you. Here is a woman that is given you clear reasons why she is breaking up with you.. She may be putting a slant on it but it is still honesty. she is saying that you guys don't mesh.. according to her and that is all it takes to make a breakup .. Sorry ..
Outcast Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 she is obviously trying to provide you with some sort of flaky, psychologically decorated response to hide the true reality which is as simple as, 'i just want out'. Not in the least. It's a little scary that a psych major doesn't understand this clear statement. But allow me to suggest that the very fact that the OP doesn't understand what she said perfectly illustrated it. Allow me to translate: What I mean by fundamental differences are how we approach our lives. "We are very different" This could have to do with viewing of problems, perspectives; the lens with which we view our world were not matching. "We think very differently" I believe people are inherently born with a temperament and are just this way. "I don't think we can overcome these changes" I felt that my own view of reality (which ain't perfect either) wasn't fitting with yours "Our attitudes and ways of thinking differ significantly" Most folks want to be with people who mostly share their attitudes, values, ideas about life. She's saying you two are much too different in these areas to make a good mesh.
francis Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 its about her feeling that they are too different, and for her, the difference is so great that she no longer wants to be in the relationship. it's not that i didnt recognise that. don't be scared outcast. It seems that she is trying to dress up and distance herself from the OP by using language he doesnt understand. She is almost patronising him, simultaneously using the method of break-up to highlight her point over how different they are. My point is that he needn't worry about what she says. His main concern is the fact that she ended it, whatever the reason, not dwell on the why/where and how, and that he needs to accept it and move on. KJ, its not the books that are making her say these things. its just her way of choosing to express herself.
Outcast Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 by using language he doesnt understand Well I'm sorry to sound mean but it's not that complicated. She wasn't talking advanced physics. I suspect they are on very different intellectual levels. She's using language that makes sense to her, not trying to talk over his head.
meltwithme Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Strange way of saying she wants out but the only thing you need to take from all of it is "I think the spark is gone, so I am too" You said it yourself, right now you will prob do anything to get her back, this is the exact reason not to stay in contact with her, if you do you will come across desperate and weak and she will run even faster. Sorry man, it's gonna suck for a while but things will turn around for you, and you will find someone again it's just a matter of when.
gfto Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Her e-mail to you is all smoke and mirrors. She simply doesn't want to be with you anymore. She isn't interested in you. One of my ex's sent me a very similar e-mail, which included that ridiculous line, "I still want us to be friends no matter what and stay in contact." They always throw that line in there. It means that she'd rather swallow some thumb tacks than spend another moment with you! I don't mean to sound too blunt about it, because I'm sure you're feeling miserably right now, but you have to accept reality and look at the bottom line. She isn't interested.
Milo Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 There is just no substitute for saying simply that you want out of a relationship in plain, layman's terms. Resorting to cribbing psycho-babble straght out of a textbook is just priceless. Ha ha ha. I would barf halfway through that e-mail. Best of all, reading it would certainly make me feel fortunate to be out of there as well. And I have a degree in psychology. A female friend of mine read her own e-mail to an ex, which used similar terminology and had a dull, lumbering tone that was indestiguishable from some crapulent self-help book at B. Dalton books. I did my best not to say anything. It was just too much. It's a point of style.
KJO314 Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 But the weird thing about this whole thing is that we do think on the same level..... She really is depressed right now.. could that have anything to do with it. What have I done wrong??? Why is this happening to me??? Why can my friends cheat on their g'fs and still be able to be with them and I haven't done anything wrong to her one bit and I can't be with the one I love. I have never hurt her in any way. Her friends still think that we will get back together. Why is thsi happening and how did I get here. I just want to move on but I don't want to give up hope for a future with her.
Outcast Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 It's not 'psychobabble' . Yeesh. It was perfectly clear.
Milo Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 It's not 'psychobabble' . Yeesh. It was perfectly clear. It's all in the ear of the beholder, isn't it? You say tomato, and I say tomahto...
newbby Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 she may have been using language that is slightly beyond him (only because he hasnt studied the subject), intentionally, because she feels bad about breaking up. this was likely because her opening line was putting some blame on him for something, not understanding. the only thing you need to know is that she is breaking up with you, it doesnt matter what way she describes it. of course it is natural for you to think, oh she is just reading some book which has altered her thinking temporarily, and she is not making sense. it is easier to think that. she is breaking up with you hon. take care.
Milo Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 the only thing you need to know is that she is breaking up with you, it doesnt matter what way she describes it. True enough. Message received and understood I would say.
AriaIncognito Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Personally, I think that the fact that she didn't put it more concisely, is a bit "beat around the bush" or "smoke and mirrors". Despite our being able to "translate" or "read between the lines" of what she said doesn't mean she was right in saying it in such a fashion. To take ones relationship, and basically textbook it, seems heartless/cold to me. Doesn't matter the intellect behind it. What it said to me was, "I dont care enough to give you a heartfelt reason, so here, here is what my textbook says". Maybe it is the way she is in real life, we don't know, but my assumption is, the OP wouldn't have thought it were from a book, had she always spoken in that fashion. My advice to you, OP, is to move on. It will suck right now. Do NC as much as you possibly can, because NC really is the only way to heal. I'm 2 weeks out of a breakup, and am doing pretty well. I fear finding someone again, we all do, but i have come to terms with the fact that our relationship ending, was the right thing. Good luck to you. Jennifer
KJO314 Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 She never used to say stuff like that until she got into grad school. That is why I am confused.. She said she didn't knw what she wanted anymore and she needed time to think about what she wanted.. Why did this happen to me. She watned us to get married in August but for the wrong reason... Why did it change so quickly
RecordProducer Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 May I ask: what do you do for a living and what are your plans for the future? It sounds to me like she is still growing intellectually and professionally and may be feeling that she is leaving you behind already. She has big plans for herself and wants someone with big plans also perhaps?
KJO314 Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 She told me she would support me in anything I did. I pondered my career choices a couple months ago and she told me that no matter what I decided she would support it. I already have a business degree and i am finishing up my education degree, however, I already teach at a high school. I teach music which we both have in common. I sing, she plays violin.
francis Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 sorry if this hurts but i suspect that she may have found someone else, someone with whom she has more in common with in terms of what is important to her and suddenly realises she would like to try dating him/her. if she sees and feels that you are too different, there isnt much you can do apart from hold your head up high, accept her decision and go on with your life without her. is may seem sudden to you, but she probably has been thinking about it for a while. leave her to it. you have a life of your own, go live it.
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Well I'm sorry to sound mean but it's not that complicated. She wasn't talking advanced physics. I suspect they are on very different intellectual levels. She's using language that makes sense to her, not trying to talk over his head. I agree. I think her mail is quite good - she thinks they're different, she still likes him, wants him to be ok and would like to stay friends, but she thinks they need a little time apart to achieve this. I didn't think it was over-intellectual, but then "different horses for different courses". I see no evidence for the conspiracy theories of Francis etc. It doesn't mean they're not true, but there's not a shred of evidence for them in the story so far. Move on, KJ.
Art_Critic Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 I think this thread verifies. ( at least to me ) That sometimes it doesn't matter how a person breaks up with another.. It doesn't ( in this case ) seem to have changed the dumpees feeling about the reason why .. or why me or the what if's. I know when our ex's smash our hearts and do it in a horrible manner we like to say " if only they had been honest to me and told me the reason why " Well.. This girl was very honest, upfront and gave all the reasons why.. and they apparently still didn't do it right.
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 . Well.. This girl was very honest, upfront and gave all the reasons why.. and they apparently still didn't do it right. Word.
francis Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 when a girl says she doesnt know what she wants anymore and she needs time when she breaks up with you, she is hiding something. it usually means she met someone else, she isnt sure how its gonna proceed so she wants to keep current bf on-side just in case it doesnt work out with new guy. that is my opinion, based on past experience.
Art_Critic Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 when a girl says she doesnt know what she wants anymore and she needs time when she breaks up with you, she is hiding something. it usually means she met someone else, she isnt sure how its gonna proceed so she wants to keep current bf on-side just in case it doesnt work out with new guy. that is my opinion, based on past experience. Agreed.. but where in her email did she say she doesn't know what she wants ? She was very clear that she doesn't want him.. and she said she wanted time to be alone.. that doesn't mean time as in a break.. Can you agree that she dumped him ? and she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with him ?.. I think you can.. Nowhere in the letter is she trying to string him along. Then the letter was on target and worked..
RecordProducer Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 I agree. If she were in love, she wouldn't have broken up. She didn't break up after some big fight or because you flirted with another girl so she can change her mind. She sounds pretty determined about the end of your relationship at this point. When differences are stated as a reason for a break-up, it's never good. It means "you're not right for me." I feel for you, but you WILL get over.
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