Saharan Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 20 years ago I believed I was marrying my soulmate. Fast forward 20 years of cold disappointments, broken promises, lousy communication, and today I find myself hopelessly in love with another man. I already know I won't get a divorce: My husband is a wonderful father. He just falls short as a husband. Our kids are happy, I can't break their hearts like that. Yesterday this new man and I were together. Just for a couple of hours, first time. It was the nicest two hours I've had in 20 years. He thinks I'm just having fun, has no idea how much I adore him. Husband is his usual nice enough, clueless, boring self, happy as a clam. And I'm falling apart. I don't even know why I'm posting here, I really needed to unload all this. I don't think any advice will help me. I just can't stop crying. In private.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 You're not looking for advice but I can't help but give it... You say you can't divorce your husband...Because of the kids. May I ask how old they are? Have you ever told your husband how you feel? That he isn't meeting your needs and how unhappy you are? Somehow you've lost that feeling for him, if he was (probably still is) your soulmate, then why not head to a marriage counsellor and work it out? DO you love him? Your kids probably know that things aren't 100% between you two. Kids are smart, they listen, snoop and know more than parents think...Sometimes it's better to divorce. I don't know if you and your hubby fight, or are distant, talk or not talk...But don't stay together for the sake of the kids. you are missing something from the marriage, or from life. Your husband, who doesn't have a clue how you feel, deserves someone who will love him. Is it fair to him, what you're doing? Just giving you something to think about...What if the situation was reversed? How would you feel if he was cheating on you with another woman? Sorry, don't mean to come off as harsh, but maybe you need to rethink about what you're doing to not only your husband, but to your family...It's not just about him making you unhappy.
Author Saharan Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 The kids are teens. They're all under tons of school pressure right now. As far as they're concerned, dad can do no wrong. He knows exactly how I feel, I've told him often. He says he loves me. Then picks up a book, goes online, does whatever. I don't know, I'm mentally spent right now. Thinking gives me a headache. And I've been thinking of this other man all day long. God what is wrong with me, I'm such a complete jerk.
travellingman Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 You're building up the other guy in your head because you're so bored of your husband. Watch what happens to the other guy's glow after you get to know him a little better.
Author Saharan Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 You're building up the other guy in your head because you're so bored of your husband. Watch what happens to the other guy's glow after you get to know him a little better. Thanks, I needed that. It makes sense. I'm a total wreck right now and being purely reactive, no thought. I'm getting a stomach ache trying to stay llvel headed and failing obviously. The history in my marriage is lonely and sad. Its been 20 years, our twins are almost raised. (16 yr old son and daughter, fraternal twins) Highschool is a pressure cooker right now and the last thing they need is a home that falls to pieces. After college, yes, but not now, not yet.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 The kids are teens. They're all under tons of school pressure right now. As far as they're concerned, dad can do no wrong. He knows exactly how I feel, I've told him often. He says he loves me. Then picks up a book, goes online, does whatever. I don't know, I'm mentally spent right now. Thinking gives me a headache. And I've been thinking of this other man all day long. God what is wrong with me, I'm such a complete jerk. Remember, kids learn about love and respect, relationships from their parents. They see what is around them (you and your husband) and use that standard for comparison. As teens, don't you think they KNOW that you and your husband are not clicking? As for your husband, if you want this marriage to work, you have to take some responsibility and control here. SCREAM at him and tell him you're so unhappy that you're considering going outside of the marriage. My best guess is, he'll shut the computer off and come talk to you. Don't use that as an excuse or to justify going outside the marriage to cheat. People do get divorced and kids turn out to be OK. Is it fair? No...Life isnt' fair at times, but getting involved with someone else is unfair to your kids, not only your husband. What if they found out? How would you feel? After college? You mean after they graduate? That's a long time to be unhappy. This OM has your attention, the needs that aren't being met at home. Would that OM be your friend, in a sense of loving and supporting you? Being there through the bad days, rough times, sickness and illnesses? Bad moods, daily life, regular ups and downs? I bet your husband is there though, isn't he? Does he look after you when you're sick? Take over the household chores? Make you soup, hold your head over the can when you're throwing up? The OM is giving you a thrill, some wonderful feelings...That won't last, and you'll be hurt, even more than you are now. TM is right, so really think about what it is that you're doing. Maybe go see a therapist for yourself, to help you deal with the issues at hand.
Author Saharan Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 I guess last night was my mental break down. Today, I feel ten times worse. Why? Because I broke up with the other man. So there I am, having "done the right thing" to try to rectify my "mistake": A dutiful wife who strayed out of desperation and meekly goes back to her little life devoid of any fullfilment. Oh I've told my husband many times how miserable I am. But he doesn't get it, probably never will. I just feel like bashing my head against the wall, at this point, who knows? Maybe if I pass out, at least I won't feel the pain for a little while. Had I known what I know now, 20 years ago, I would never, ever, ever have gotten married. I'm not cut out for this and yet I set myself up to wind up in a position where I have no choice but to lose. Does he look after you when you're sick? Take over the household chores? Make you soup, hold your head over the can when you're throwing up? No: he's busy. I'm bitter. Desillusioned, pissed off, sad beyond comprehension and I don't see a way out for now. And this may sound like a whole lot of self pitying BS, but after 2 decades of trying everything I could to fix it, I've earned that right. It takes 2 to tango. Well, my husband isn't dancing, it's as simple as that. He has his work, 2 beautiful kids, the wife that manages to make him look good (oh yeah did I mention I clean up rather well, he just loves to act this way and that in public.) the house and the 2 cars, the Mr. is all set. Laugh of the day: if all his friends and coworkers, those who think we're such a happy couple and have it so made, really knew what a lame charade this mariage really is, they'd laugh until they peed in their pants.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Well, you are shouldering alot of pain and unhappiness now. IS it worth staying married to someone who you basically do not like or respect? Maybe it's time for you and your husband to atleast sit and talk about the choices that could be made. Putting on a show for the neighbours, friend and family is crazy. I'm sure many of them, if they know you both well enough, KNOW that your marriage isn't as good as it looks on the outside. Sorry you're having a bad day, I do think you've done the right thing by ending it with OM. Go talk to someone one on one, get this sorted out. Get some strength, some input on how to handle things in general. Don't worry what anybody else thinks or says about your marriage. It really doesn't matter, what happens behind closed doors is noones buisness but yours and your husbands. He does sound selfish and I'm not blaming you, each of you are responsible for how the marriage is - Needs not being met, bordem, less time spent together, life getting in the way and being comfortable to the point of making NO effort to be husband and wife as a couple...Who knows? Take it one day at a time.
Sami_D Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 I broke up with the other man. So there I am, having "done the right thing" to try to rectify my "mistake": A dutiful wife who strayed out of desperation and meekly goes back to her little life devoid of any fullfilment. Why have you done this? Is it what you want, or what you feel you should do? And for whose benefit..?
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