Brianne_A9 Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 hey everyone I don't even know how to begin this, so I guess I'll start here.... I have an amazing boyfriend who is strong, loving, intelligent, insightful, and million other things...words simply do not do him justice. Unfortunately, however, he has hemophilia, which means it takes a long time for his blood to clot. Although it was difficult for me to deal with in the beginning, I realized that it was only the hemophilia that I was focusing on, and not the amazing person that he is. I have chosen to accept his condition, and I love him for who he is, and am willing to withstand the consequences. We love each other very much A few weeks ago he was in a car accident. His best friend told me about this, and I was devastated to hear that he lost a lot of blood and wouldn't stop bleeding. He kept losing consciousness and one time his heart even stopped beating for a few seconds. Now, he is slightly better, but his body is so weak. Since this has happened we have had a few conversations about our future together. A few minutes ago we were talking, and he said that he was unsure about what he wanted in life. He said that being so close to death has made him question a lot of things, and that he needs time to think things over. I should also mention that this is a long distance relationship, and that I live in Canada while he lives in North Carolina. I told him that I want to move down there to be with him, but that I have to finish my university degree first because it is much less expensive to do so up here. It is not possible for him to come to Canada very easily, due to the extent of his need for healthcare, and that he would likely get turned down if he requested to immigrate here because it may put "too much stress on the Canadian healthcare system. We have agreed to visit each other whenever time and money allows. A few minutes ago he told me he loves me and that he wants to be with me, but that he doesn't see how this could work because we are so far apart, and I still have 3 years until my degree is finished. He said he is patient, and that he can wait. He says that he wants me to date; he doesn't want me to wait for him; however, I argue that I am willing to wait and that I don't want to see anyone else. He said that he needs time to think about life, ever since he almost lost his. Both of us were crying on the phone while we talked. Eventually, he said that he needed until February to think things over (February is the expected time he will be released from hospital). I asked him if this meant that we weren't together anymore, and he said yes, all the while I could still hear the heartbreak in his voice. He said that he doesn't want me to miss out on anything, or any opportunities that I have, and that his life is always in limbo and that he could die tomorrow. He said that he doesn't know what he wants anymore, and that he just wants to be alone to think things through. He said he still wants to talk to me on the phone and keep in touch with me while he thinks about things, and that he will let me know what he wants in Feb. His parents have also just split up, as a result of infedelity on his father's part. He also found out that he has twin sisters who are 18 and live somewhere in South America; his mother gave them up when they were born. I can't even imagine how he feels right now, with everything that is going on. Of course, I am devastated that he said we are no longer together. I want to be there for him and comfort him, but I don't know how. I told him that, although it hurts, I will give him the time he needs. He said he is confused about everything, and that maybe he is just uncertain because of everything that is happening to him, and that, like I had said before, if things are meant to be, then everything will be ok with us. I don't know what to do now; I am dying inside because of what he said, even though I know he must feel even worse. I love him and I want to be with him, but I don't really know how to handle this. Any advice or encouragement is greatly appreciated
slubberdegullion Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Oh, man, this is about as difficult a case as I have ever seen. Certainly not unsolvable - everything can be fixed, provided all the parties are willing - but it's going to be a challenge. So let's break this whole scenario down into manageable bits. He's been in a car accident and may take quite some time to physically heal. Emotionally, it may take even more time, depending on how traumatic the event was and how he manages these things. He obviously still wants you in his life, hence the requests to talk on the phone on a regular basis. This is all good. To start, my suggestion would be this: Be the one thing in his life right now that is hassle-free. He doesn't need any more difficulties. So be supportive, loving, gentle and caring, but keep your expectations to a minimum. The last part is crucial because trauma can bubble forth in unsuspecting, and sometimes irrational, ways. I'll think more on this, but for now, just be supportive to him. And by all means take care of yourself, but do not get involved with deep discussions about the future, and do not let him see or hear you get emotional about your relationship. Stay in touch, and good luck to both of you.
Outcast Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Slub's advice was tops. Just one more thing - he's very likely depressed. And depressed people often to remove their burdensome selves from others' lives. So do as Slub suggests and bide your time while he heals. Don't try to talk him out of his current plan of action. Wait until he's better and then you can talk about it again.
Author Brianne_A9 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 I just wanted to say thankyou for your comments... So he talked to me today, but I am getting conflicting messages from him. He told me that the truth is is that I am in school, and he has just been accepted at the Delta Air Lines Academy in Florida. It has been his lifelong dream to become a pilot, so I am very happy for him, but at the same time I am saddened because this means that we cannot be together at the moment. He said he still wants to be with me, but says that he would let me down because he will be flying all over the world and will barely ever get to see me. He says that he wants to make it work but at the same time he doesn't, saying that a pilot's life is a lonely life. ( I joked that I could be his flight attendent and he said that then we would never get anything done lol). At the same time, however, he says that he wants to meet up with me in the summer and "see what happpens," but until then we are just friends, and that even when he is a pilot he will still want to be with me. He wants to talk to me as often as we have been during our relationship, both on the phone and on aim. He also told me that he has TWO RINGS for me (?????) One is a promise ring, and when I asked him what the other one was, he said "you know what the other one is." (again, ?????)He said that he is for real about us, and that it just can't happen right now. He kept stressing that he wanted to see me in the summer. So now I am completely confused as to what is happening. I mean I understand that we can't be together now, but why is he saying that he still wants to be with me and has rings and things like that? I just don't understand what he is trying to do.
slubberdegullion Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 So now I am completely confused as to what is happening... I just don't understand what he is trying to do. At this point, you don't have to understand it. He's got enough on his plate to worry about right now. Allow things to progress naturally, and don't worry too much about the outcome. I know it's difficult, but it's probably your best course of action right now.
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