wv_kieren Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I know I shouldn't have done it and it was wrong. I checked my MM's e-mail. He's going through a divorce so he isn't exactly "cheating" on his wife, or well I thought. When I checked his email I found out he was subscribed to 3 personals sites and talking very intimately to about 7 other girls. This all hurts so bad and I know that I'm getting what I deserve, but does it have to be so cruel?
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Obviously you don't trust him. And obviously he isn't going to tell you what he's doing either. Is he still living at home or are him and his wife apart? Also, were you the reason why they're splitting up or did you meet him while they were not together anymore? I guess that is kind of what you get for snooping. Maybe he isn't ready for another settle down relationship after the marriage breaking up. People need time alone before getting involved again. I don't think he's done this "to you" on purpose. It's his life, his privacy, and sadly, you invaded it. So, yes, the reality of it all is cruel and harsh. Sorry.
Author wv_kieren Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 Well, I trusted him until I read his e-mail. He went away for 3 days to work, and I was bored and just happened to think that if he is talking to me and separated from his wife, why wouldn't he be talking to other girls too? I know that was very wrong and I should not have done that and it was very stupid on my part. His wife and him are not living together, he is staying with his parents right now. When I met him, he was in the process of moving in with his parents. I'm not the reason for them splitting up, she cheated on him with a co-worker. Is it wrong that I still like him a lot? The more I thought about it I tried to make up excuses for him, like we aren't dating so it's not wrong, and he stopped talking to the other women a couple weeks ago, etc. We have been going out to lunch and shopping frequently the past few weeks and I really enjoy being with him. I don't think I should confront him and I will never invade his privacy again. I just really don't know what to do. I know the whole situation isn't exactly right.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 It's not wrong in the sense of dating him I guess, but it looks like he's not ready for anything serious. He's been hurt and even though he's separated, there still could be a chance of him working things out with his wife. You are going to be very hurt by him just because he isn't ready for what you're looking for. Something tells me you're not one who's going to just do a casual, no strings attached 'friendship.' Unless you can handle that, I would say, let him go. Give him space, don't call him, let him call you. I think it's wise NOT to tell him about the email situation. I'm not telling you to go for him because I think where his frame of mind is and where he is at right now isn't a good place for you to be around. Even though you have fun together. People need time after a split up, and I'm sure he's grieving still inside.
Author wv_kieren Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 You are going to be very hurt by him just because he isn't ready for what you're looking for. Something tells me you're not one who's going to just do a casual, no strings attached 'friendship.' Unless you can handle that, I would say, let him go. You're probably right W. This whole situation with him is wierd and I think I was just desprate to be with someone and at the time it didn't matter who. We started out as just friends, and you're right, I couldn't handle that. I'm not going to see him anymore and not talk to him unless he calls me. Maybe then it will be less confusing.
newbby Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 you didnt trust him until you read his email, or you would not have read his email. at least you know for sure now.
brubaker2004 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 i was talking to a guy in my office who has been married 3 times (he is now on his third and they have been together 10 years and are very, very happy) and he said that it really isn't a good idea to be involved with someone romantically until the divorce has been final for at least one year. he said that even if they are the most honest man in the world and there was no cheating in the marriage, etc... they still need space and time to get used to being single again. makes sense to me.
Author wv_kieren Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 i was talking to a guy in my office who has been married 3 times (he is now on his third and they have been together 10 years and are very, very happy) and he said that it really isn't a good idea to be involved with someone romantically until the divorce has been final for at least one year. he said that even if they are the most honest man in the world and there was no cheating in the marriage, etc... they still need space and time to get used to being single again. makes sense to me. sounds reasonable to me too, bru. I think I'm going to send him an e-mail telling him how I feel about this. If I wait to talk to him on the phone or in person it will be a few days cos he is working out of town, and I really want to get this over with. I'll say something like I think we should be just friends but if that is too difficult then we shouldn't talk and that if he can reconcile with his wife he should and that we both moved into this whole thing way too quickly, unless I should wait and tell him face to face?
brubaker2004 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 i think whichever way is the best in order to not give him an opportunity to talk you out of it. i made the mistake a few times when i "ended it" to let him "see me one more time" and it always turned into him convincing me to stay in it a little longer. even after i stopped sleeping with him. i say just try and make a clean break. it is going to be difficult but in the end you will thank yourself and respect yourself so much more. good luck.
Sami_D Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 There are a few current stories on gloryb.com about MM who are separated or divorcing and while being involved with an OW, have other OW, or are subscribed to singles sites and so on. So it isn't an unusual situation. Being involved with a M person who is ending their M doesn't automatically mean that they're going to then be involved with you. This could be read as a positive thing: that they're being sensible in not leaping from one significant R straight into another. On the other hand, it could be (from the OW point of view) that the OW was an 'exit affair' (or similar), and the MM has no interest in ever being faithful or involved with anyone fully. But kieren... it's not 'what you deserve' at all. Don't even think that way, because it's not true. What you deserve is not to be lied to, and an honest, open, loving relationship with someone who's not an emotional vampire.
Author wv_kieren Posted December 19, 2005 Author Posted December 19, 2005 Just thought I'd update ya'll on the situation... my MM went back with his wife last night.
sparticuss Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 I know I shouldn't have done it and it was wrong. I checked my MM's e-mail. He's going through a divorce so he isn't exactly "cheating" on his wife, or well I thought. When I checked his email I found out he was subscribed to 3 personals sites and talking very intimately to about 7 other girls. This all hurts so bad and I know that I'm getting what I deserve, but does it have to be so cruel? Cruel Kiren? Nothing like that at all. The poor guys' going through a divorce so he doens't know if youe' going to turn around and dump him too, the same way his wife is doing. That may well be the last thing on your mind but HE doesn't know that. So he's desperatly seeeking some company, some sort of new life, wherever he can find it. This may well be unecessary Kiren. You may well have the kind of loving committment that you are expecitng from him, and that he never found with his ex wife. But you still havent proved that to him. You will have proved it when he goes for the social sites more than the intimate ones and invites you onto the same sites.
sparticuss Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Just thought I'd update ya'll on the situation... my MM went back with his wife last night. One last attempt to plug up the Titanic! I'd give him two weeks. The marriage is over and everyone knows it but him.
Art_Critic Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 One last attempt to plug up the Titanic! I'd give him two weeks. The marriage is over and everyone knows it but him. At least he is trying to keep his marriage together..nothing wrong with that
sparticuss Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 Is he still living at home or are him and his wife apart? Also, were you the reason why they're splitting up or did you meet him while they were not together anymore? . Believe me the other woman is NEVER the real reason for the marriage break up. She often gets blamed but she has no hope of destroying a sound marriage. Even her best efforts would barely tickle it. And, if a marriage is crumbling then its over , with or without, any other woman.
sparticuss Posted December 19, 2005 Posted December 19, 2005 i was talking to a guy in my office who has been married 3 times (he is now on his third and they have been together 10 years and are very, very happy) and he said that it really isn't a good idea to be involved with someone romantically until the divorce has been final for at least one year. he said that even if they are the most honest man in the world and there was no cheating in the marriage, etc... they still need space and time to get used to being single again. makes sense to me. You were talking to a ^&*( Brubaker. Recently seperated guys are suicidal. Post divorce trauma induced suicide is the highest killer of men under 45. They need understanding, they need support, they are isolated enough as is without somebody yapping on that they need space. ( A lot of people make the mistake of assming that all they need to do is get laid. Big mistake. The chance at a little sex wont be turned down but its understanding that they need. Not sex!)
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