In Sync Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I can only speak about this from my situation. But I am actually feeling that NC has become a blessing. Maybe I am still further from complete recovery but where I am now is Nothing like how it was after the initial period when the ex broke it off, those conflicting periods in between where I was still in contact and the final last and desperate acts of maintaining contact with him. Now after 1 and a half months, I definitely feel different. Not in the death grip of False Hope and Delusion. That was suffering. Life is not meant to go through endless agony at least that's not the quality of life I want for myself. I see now with clarity every moment of wanting to get back with him trying to contact him was like trying to get back something totally poisonous to my well being. I am also blessed because this guy is nowhere in my vicinity. He neither lives near me, works near me, we aren't in any social circles that's the same. That's a huge blessing. I can't guuarantee to myself that I may never run into him, but why on earth would I want to seek out the person who has been the core of some of the most intense emotional pain I've experience and then IMAGINE that same person will bring me COMFORT. Total Denial on my part. NC is a blessing. It's not the enemy. Use it and see just how fortunate you are to be free of all the self induced suffering you cause yourself by seeking those who you are shackled to!
CaliGuy Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Time heals all wounds and this is a good example. There is hope, if you are willing to stomach NC and stick with it. Again, it's not meant to bring them back. It's meant to help you heal as fast as possible. Congrats. I hope you heal completely soon and find someone better for you.
sick of it Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 That's a huge blessing. I can't guuarantee to myself that I may never run into him, but why on earth would I want to seek out the person who has been the core of some of the most intense emotional pain I've experience and then IMAGINE that same person will bring me COMFORT. Total Denial on my part. isnt he the core of some or greatest feelings too? why doesnt it work both ways?
scobro Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 but why on earth would I want to seek out the person who has been the core of some of the most intense emotional pain I've experience and then IMAGINE that same person will bring me COMFORT. Total Denial on my part. Great point!!!!!
CaliGuy Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 isnt he the core of some or greatest feelings too? why doesnt it work both ways? The problem is when we miss someone, we tend to idolize them, their good parts and minimize their negatives. They become lopsides towards the good side and we put them on a pedestal. I try and think about the negatives of my Ex and it really helps soothe the pain. Yes, she had somem truly great qualities and she had some really bad ones too.
Author In Sync Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 isnt he the core of some or greatest feelings too? why doesnt it work both ways? That is thinking in the past. Everyone's relationship (I'm assuming my friend started out blissfully) but hanging onto those past memories was what kept me breaking NC. He was not hanging onto the great moments when he "dumped me". So why hold on to those "prescious memories" when it comes between the choice of Me hanging on and using that as an excuse to break NC or Me washing my hands and walking away from those moments. Look at what's happeneing now. He's not here, in my life., nor does he want to be. AND so any attempt on my part to even consider breaking NC is like me going for what? More emotional distress because that's all I'm getting by not maintaining NC. If your break up is anything less than amiable and you harbour any inkling of getting back with someone who does not want to all you are doing is hurting yourself. Bottom Line. I'm also learning to not beat myself up when I get all wishy and weak because I recognize now that's not real either. Those hanging on memory lane moments is my mind playing tricks on me to break NC and resume the habit of wanting to hurt again. Because deep down we are addicted to the pain of hurt and suffering until that ugly habit dealt with too. NC is a tough little MotherF*****R, sounds easy but it's not. Yet when you do it you reap the rewards and will feel the benefits. I absolutely never thought I would be able to say this. P.S I also had some serious support from the rest of you here. That's a big +.
Natalie05 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 It's only been 1.5 months of NC? You're still way too green - just wait for many relapses to hit - they always do when you least expect it so be prepared. I'm on month 6 and still fighting thoughts about my ex. At least now they're getting further and further apart but it's taken every bit of these past 6 months to get over the breakup. Good luck - once the holidays are over it'll be easier on everyone and the road to recovery will speed up.
J dub Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 It's only been 1.5 months of NC? You're still way too green - just wait for many relapses to hit - they always do when you least expect it so be prepared. I'm on month 6 and still fighting thoughts about my ex. At least now they're getting further and further apart but it's taken every bit of these past 6 months to get over the breakup. Good luck - once the holidays are over it'll be easier on everyone and the road to recovery will speed up. Is this supposed to be supportive? In sync, you are in the acceptance stage now. you may feel a tiny bit of relapse here and there but look at how FAR you have come! That is fabulous! We tend to underestimate how strong we are and I seriously believe that we can get thru anything as long as we put our heart into it. You are going to do just fine, better than fine even. You have a very mature sense of what is going on and what you've been through which is much more than some people can say. I am so glad to hear how well you are doing
J dub Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 P.S..... It Takes 8 Weeks To Break A Habit!!! is the TRUTH
Author In Sync Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 Oh I am the first to admit 1 and half months of absolute NC is too soon to call myself fully out of the danger zone, as I stated earlier I remembered my state when I had those contacts and bending the rules recieving/sending e-mails contact. That left me just as clinging onto hope as if he had said "maybe in the future." With full blown NC, I feel different, because now there is no turning back. It's the hope that keeps you stuck. I mean (even to myself I would feel foolish calling him up and say what? How are you? (who cares) What happened to you? Why haven't you called me? All the answers I need to know are in his actions, he dumped me and disappeared. I still have reactions from thinking about him out of weakness but at this point those moments or memories, that some have referred to...aren't keeping me warm at night, or calling me up to see how I am feeling..those memories are actually getting in the way. And when they do pop up instead of me reminiscing I immediately say to myself this is just my mind clinging to wanting to feel bad. I am not going into the new year feeling as low as I did over him. He didn't want my love and I'm sort of done feeling that I can't get over him. Yet the power is in the NC, for any of you who doubt it. No bending the rules. You do feel different in your thinking. In control of yourself.
bigbrowneyes Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Thanks for this encouraging post In Sync. I'm into 3 weeks of NC. I am the one that broke it off in October with my bf because he really didn't value a monogomous relationship. Of course he called and emailed me making promises that he is incapable of keeping (this was our second try). I responded to him explaining that I didn't want him to contact me anymore and if he says he loves me he'll leave me and my boys alone. He continued to email and call but I stopped responding and reading/listening to them. Then for some unusual reason I read an email he send the day before Thanksgiving. Says it's difficult to get on with life without me but he now understands that it's over and he's moved on in another relationship. Says he misses me and life is hard without me. I don't know why I opened this email! It was like ripping a scab off a wound! He's not attempted to contact me since. Now I'm devistated once again. I just can't understand how he moved on so quickly???? I've wanted to call him but thanks to post like yours, I'm able to keep my head together. I know that NC is the best thing. I'm grateful you shared how you're feeling. It give me hope that by the first of the year maybe I'll get through one full day without crying! Thanks.
meltwithme Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I am also blessed because this guy is nowhere in my vicinity. He neither lives near me, works near me, we aren't in any social circles that's the same. That's a huge blessing. I can't guuarantee to myself that I may never run into him, but why on earth would I want to seek out the person who has been the core of some of the most intense emotional pain I've experience and then IMAGINE that same person will bring me COMFORT. Total Denial on my part. NC is a blessing. It's not the enemy. Use it and see just how fortunate you are to be free of all the self induced suffering you cause yourself by seeking those who you are shackled to! Damn this part really hit home. Thanks!
jomaxfury Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 In Sync, I went total NC since the first moment of the break up. It's been 5 month now. I feel like a whole new person. I get to spend money on myself and my car, and I am in the works of installing a turbo on my car, I would have never been able to afford it if I was with her, not because I had to spend money on her but because I enjoyed doing it with her:D Sorry for going on a tangent, but I love cars....Of course the first 2 months felt like S???T, there was this numb feeling all over my body that just wouldn't go away. I could have gone in the ring against Myke Tyson and would have not felt anything. What I am trying to say is that NC is 100% full proof if you stick by it. I know every person's situation is different but, I realized that when a person wants to let go of you. Give them what they want, because by doing so, you show the love you had for that person. Trust everyone when they say NC is for you...it is not to get your ex back. Is a time for you to better yourself and also to spoil yourself for once.. . Take care God bless 1
symbol Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Great thread In Sync! I am doing NC for the last 5 weeks. My ex dumped me 1.5 months ago. Haven't heard from him at all and I haven't made any attempts to call him either. I was really thinking that I was doing really good. Finally, starting a couple of weeks ago, I was able to focus on my research and do some productive stuff. But now, I feel like I am right at the beginning. I started thinking about him more often. You know, the good old times... But then I really don't know what I am feeling towards him. I don't know if I stilll love him. It was really good to read your thread, it gives me more power to stay with NC and try moving on. Thanks.
J dub Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Yet the power is in the NC, for any of you who doubt it. No bending the rules. This is key: There is no such thing as A-B-C's of No Contact. It is what it is, None (contact wise) and anyone who suggests otherwise is still tormenting themselves in the idea that they can get the person back.
Author In Sync Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 The reason it is so damn hard to maintain NC is because its scary. Yes, SCARY. Because the next question that you secretly have underneathe is NOW WHAT DO I DO? Breaking NC or wanting to break gives you the opportunity to secretly stay hooked into your ex's life. And thereby not look at you and your own life. Nobody wants to face the idea of starting over clean. New. How many people are afraid to start all over new, with anything, relationship, job, etc. That's the biggest fear. The unknown. So it's better to hang on to a sorry relationship than take begin anew. Remember folks, once you are out of that relationship, once the axe has been dropped, no looking back. That sour milk in the refrigerator is not going to go fresh again just because you go back and reach for it. IT'S SOUR. Get a new container. My mindset has changed, I do not let those "little moments" stay for beyond a fleeting moment. When they pop up, I kick them out. It's not resourceful and they don't help me. You must take control of doing NC it's not a pansy action. No one is going to do it for you..at the end of the day it's your willpower.
patwheel Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 This is key: There is no such thing as A-B-C's of No Contact. It is what it is, None (contact wise) and anyone who suggests otherwise is still tormenting themselves in the idea that they can get the person back. Totally true. So many of us are bending the rules, by "innocently" visiting myspace pages, or friendster, ... blah blah blah. Only to hurt yourself some more. I know I did, and regretted it immediatly. NC for more than a month and dont really count no more
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