The end...

[damwinston]

As most of you know I am trying to get my money back from guy who is still involved with ex (or I guess current gf). My father has now gotten involved as I get no where. Apparently he is coming up here today to give me my money back and so that I can give him his stuff back (kind of wrecks the whole NC thing). So here is my letter to him:

 

J -

 

I’d give anything

To be with you right now

You’re all I’ve thought about since the moment we said goodbye.

I miss your smile.

I miss your laughter.

I miss holding your hand.

I miss looking into your eyes

And knowing exactly what you are thinking.

I’d give anything

To see you right now,

To hear the warmth in your voice,

When you call my name.

I’d give anything

To hold you in my arms

And whisper to you

Over and over again how very, very much

I love you.

 

I grew up as the product of a second marriage. I was hated by my siblings because my mother was supposedly the one who caused my father to leave their mother. Of course that was not the reason that my father left their mother but often fiction is better than the truth. They spent the first few years of marriage in an RV traveling the country.

 

So I grew up and was going down the same road. Eyes wide open.

 

I dated C for 6 years and loved him dearly. I wasn’t in love with him and hadn’t been for years. But it was comfortable. Our relationship was much like the ride at Six Flags called “The Cave.” It felt good, comfortable, but it was boring at times.

 

I came home only to be with my Mama. I had no ulterior motives. I didn’t know that I would even be presented with any ulterior motives and probably wouldn’t have been had it not been for my friend K.

 

My phone kept ringing. Finally I said to Kelly “Who the hell is this guy and why does he keep calling you?”

 

“Oh, that is J.”

 

But K was going over there and I know that, no matter what, K would protect me, so I went and I met J. I came home crying. I was terrified.

 

I woke up early that next morning – I had to pee. Mama told me that K and a man “who looked just like Mr. Ziffel from Green Acres” had just been there getting ice (frozen water). I guess that no matter how scared I was my curiosity was stronger than my fear because I went over there – in my pajamas. Nothing strange for me but I guess that it was and is for many people. It was Friday the 10th of June 2005.

 

I spent the day with them. I don’t know why but I did. I began to feel more comfortable and it felt like it always does when I am around K and his friends. Like the little sister who is somewhat annoying but yet also somewhat entertaining. Mr. Ziffel’s girlfriend’s birthday was the next day and we were all going out to eat to celebrate – but we missed dinnertime.

 

We ended up driving to a biker bar – literally a biker bar. Kelly was driving, I was in the front seat, and J and the Ziffels were in the back seat in my dad’s car. At the biker bar J and I got out of the car and he looked at me and said “the two of us are NOT going to fit in here.” They didn’t even let us in.

 

We did find a bar that night and we all hung out there. At this point I was in the back seat – I wanted Mrs. Ziffel to have the front seat and I think everyone wanted to keep K and me apart. After the bar we went to IHOP on the way home.

 

I think that most people would say that I had feelings for J that night – he certainly thinks so. I didn’t. At least not like that. I was curious. About him, his family, his uncle. J and I were talking daily and I thought I was finally beginning to understand. Then I really did understand.

 

He always had called me around noon – one day the phone didn’t ring until 5:00. That is when I knew that I liked him – a lot. I knew that I was in trouble.

 

I don’t want to have these feelings. I don’t want to care. But I do. I care so much that it hurts – desperately. I want to be with him like most people want oxygen. I want him to say all of the things that he used to say to me when no one else was around. I want to be back on the roller coaster that I knew that life with him would be like. I just fear another crash.

 

I have been called every name in the book because of this relationship. I have been threatened, lied about, talked about, had my heart trampled, and lost friends over this.

 

I knew on August 18, 2005, the last time that we were intimate, that things were going to change and I even told you. “You have to f**k the girl to save the kids or screw the kids and get the girl.” You made your choice. It is not my place to say whether or not that was the right decision but I will tell you this. I loved you so much back then that I was willing to wait. I was willing to help you raise your beautiful son who I care about so much.

 

But I have realized that waiting will get me nowhere. You like this game. I know that you love your children and that obviously, a part of you loves M. I don’t know what your feelings are about me but I do know that it doesn’t matter anymore.

 

You made your choice. You live in one place. I live in 4 hours away. I can’t and won’t move. I have responsibilities here. You can’t and won’t leave M. I don’t know why, as you were not and are not happy with her, but again it is not my place or my right to know anymore and maybe it never was.

 

Your friend told you that if I really loved you I would wait for you. I have waited J. I have not had sex since August 18th. I have waited. I have cried. I have screamed. And through it all I have hoped that you would come to your senses. And I just realized that you have come to your senses. You have realized that you either love M or love your children enough that you are unwilling to try and make it work with me. That is ok. I just wish that you had had the balls to tell me. I deserved that.

 

Please know that I do care for you (although I don’t know why anymore) but I realize that it doesn’t work on a one way street.

 

I respect your decision to try and work things out with M. I will not try to contact you – no matter how much I may want to. Maybe someday you will change your mind. Maybe not. Maybe I will be around. Maybe I will not. Maybe I will be married myself with 2 kids.

 

You are going to have a tough road ahead of you and I would love to help you down that road, but I can’t. If you and M are going to make it work then I am going to have to step back and let you try. And I care about you and your children enough to do that.

 

There is a quote “someday you are going to look into a mirror and see all of the things that I still love you too much to say.”

 

M hates me J but she hates you also. She is trying to trap you – again. And she will. Whether it be another pregnancy or a lawsuit (domestic violence, CPS) something will happen and she is going to make you pay. You don’t want to know it but she is the one who hurt your daughter. She is the one that put both kids back in danger by taking them to the grandparents that molested the daughter. She is the one who almost let your son get run over. Not me.

 

Then there is your cousin. You know what she is trying to do to you. You also know that I am the only person who can save you. I am your best and only witness. If called I will come and testify although I imagine that M will require you to get rid of your uncle’s property – just as she has required that you change your cell phone number and no longer speak to me.

 

I never meant to care about you J but I do – so much. I wish you and M and the kids the best. Please know that I never meant to hurt any of you. I am so very sorry it turned out like this. I had wished for a different outcome.

 

Always,

dammy

 

I guess I have to have closure before I can go NC. Now if I could just quit smoking.

[Art_Critic]

Your letter oozes desperation.

 

If you want him to run farther away then give him the letter.. If you don't

then put the letter away for now..

[damwinston]

it is time for him to be away.

so if that is what the letter does than so be it.

dammy

[Sami_D]

Well yes, your letter may well send him away for now, but it also says, 'please contact me if you feel a change of heart: I'm fully available'.

 

Don't send it. Most 'final' letters are just the same, whatever the wording. If you feel the need to send a 'final' letter... all it means is you're not over it yet. Write it, then delete/burn it. No-one it's over with needs to know the wretched way you feel in these days/weeks/months of getting over something.

[damwinston]

There will be NO coming back. This is a relationship that is definitely over.

Period. Dot end of story.

dammy

[newbby]

then why are you sending the letter?

it sounds to me full of excuses for yourself and extremely heavy. if i got a letter like that i would find it weighty and desperate and i'm a girl.

[damwinston]

not sending him a letter. he was supposed to come up here last week and i would have given it to him then. he didn't and i will not give him that letter. this is a relationship that is over and i am very glad. there will not be any second or third chances. i hope that he is back with his ex and they are doing well together.

dammy