brubaker2004 Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I have posted here once or twice before, but I read it a lot. I always thought in my mind how MY MM was different from all of yours, how he wasn't lying to me and that he really just needed time to get his finances in order and then he would tell his W about me and move on. He told her, all right, but I got a call from her the next day. Needless to say it was a shock to me to hear that as far as she knew she was in a HAPPY marriage and that they had not been living in different bedrooms for months. She also informed me that he had still been sleeping with her the entire year he had been with me. When I confronted him about all of this he actually had the nerve to admit to still sleeping with her but still thought I should be with him because he had finally told her about us. I told him there was no way I could ever trust him, that even if everything else he had told me were true (which it is not), the fact that he lied about sleeping with her and then came over to my house and got into my bed makes me ILL. I wanted to tell her how sorry I am, that I would have never gotten involved with him if I knew she was thinking they were happy, and I can't believe I fell for all of his lies. Not just me, but my family (who he met on several occasions) and friends as well. I just hope for her sake she doesn't take him back. I am sure he is telling her enormous lies now in order to get back into his house. Bottom line is....they are ALL THE SAME. and to anyone reading this who is starting a relationship with a MM all I can say is... DON'T. you will end up alone and feeling full of guilt for the pain you have caused innocent people (he also has 2 kids who are devastated. i have a young son as well and i regret EVER having let this man into his life).
wanda1974 Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Could not have said it better myself. I was involved with a MM also, and broke it off a couple of months ago. Just last week, I hooked up with his best friend...ooops... . I've had the hots for this guy since MM introduced me to him. More my type...shaved head, is a biker (like me), and NO WIFE....ooops, did I say that outloud?????? Good luck with coping. MM ARE ALL LIARS when it comes down to it.
Author brubaker2004 Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 i am glad you found someone you have more in common with, but the fact that he is friends with the MM would cause me some hesitation. just be careful! best of luck.
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Now, I wish Mandy would read this and really LEAVE her MM dentist alone. Sadly, even if she reads it, I don't think it will really sink in...
newbby Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 hey bru, i remember you from while ago. hope you are doing ok. at least you are out of that one.
Author brubaker2004 Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 thanks, newby. i am having a lot of mixed emotions, but mostly i feel so bad for his W and children and the hurt they are going through. i also am having feelings of having wasted over a year of my life, honestly thinking he and i would have a chance at a life together. i am 34 and am so tired of dating and the thought of getting back out there at some point is something i can't even imagine (being a single mom it is so difficult to find the time/energy to even WANT to go on dates). i also am shocked at myself for having fallen for his lies. but, if i am going to heal i will have to forgive myself. easier said than done.
newbby Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 well dont give yourself a hard time. being a single mom, i am sure you are lonely and it was easy to fall for his lies.
Author brubaker2004 Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 it has taken all of my strength to not e-mail his W (i know where she works) to tell her even more of the things he told me so she can understand that he was lying to BOTH of us. but i haven't and most likely won't. i am not sure it would do any good for anybody at this point.
JayKay Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Brubaker, I wish ALL women would read your post before getting involved with MM. They ALL think their MM's are different!
newbby Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 i think its hard for you, because you feel bad for her. the question of what is better for her is hard to answer. in some ways she may feel worse thinking of you as a conniving, scheming husband stealer because then she would feel that rather than defending her to you, he took your side, if you know what i mean. on the other hand, if she knows that he was the one doing the scheming and chasing then how does that make her feel. from reading bs threads in this and other forums i think generally the bs feels better thinking of the ow as scheming and the mm as just being led by his d***. so leave it to him, he will find the best way to make her happy, i doubt that it will be the most honest way. if you are thinking that she deserves to know the truth that is another one it is difficult to answer. would a wife really WANT the whole truth. would she then have to leave him? would she then have to be a single mom and accept that her h was so desperate for another woman that he told enormous lies to get her to sleep with him? i think alot of the time the wife would rather stay married and believe the lies, deep down, maybe not even consciously. just best to leave it i think.
Author brubaker2004 Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 i agree it is best to leave it be. thanks for the kind words of support. as for her wanting to stay in a marriage where she knows there has been dishonesty, when she called me she said, "the only way i would let him stay in this marriage is if he gave me his phone and let me call you", so i guess that answers that.
veronese Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I'm sorry you have been so hurt by this man Brubaker, you sound like you're going through a lot of pain right now. Another MM conned his women, I think you may be right about them all being the same! Your concern for his wife and children touched me too. Clearly you would have been more sensible to stand back from him until he and his wife had separated and the dust had settled but I do understand how believable MM can be to both their wives and their OW. You're shocked to discover the truth about your MM, but even so are able to show empathy and remorse towards his family, who no doubt are equally horrified with him. You mentioned contacting his wife to let her know the full extent of his lies to you both so I thought you might appreciate hearing from a BW to get a different perspective. I'm sure there are some BWs who feel the way newbby described: I think generally the bs feels better thinking of the ow as scheming and the mm as just being led by his d***..... ...but I don't think we all do. newbby asks: would a wife really WANT the whole truth. would she then have to leave him? . Yes, I think some of us would And finally she says: i think alot of the time the wife would rather stay married and believe the lies, deep down, maybe not even consciously.I] Maybe some wives don't want to know the whole truth and put their heads in the sand. But a lot of us have to rely heavily on our errant husbands to fill in the details of their philandering and as a result, never know the whole picture. Our communication with the OW is usually brief and emotional and seldom very enlightening. The rest of the facts we have to work out for ourselves. Honestly Bb, I would MUCH rather know all the facts about my H's EAs. I always asked for the truth from him because I wanted to know who I was married to and then decide if I wanted to stay married to him. Us wives may look pathetic staying with our H's after their affairs, but I'm sure you realise that we also don't always hear the truth from our men. I would have welcomed hearing from the OW especially if she was remorseful and apologetic for her part in the affair. Naturally the wife will probably loathe the OW at first, maybe indefinitely, but a friendship between them is not the objective here. The wife may also be able to fill in gaps for the OW in time, the OW has been lied to too. So if you decide to contact the W maybe start off with a short, respectful note of apology, and say that you would be happy to hear back from her should she have any questions to ask you. Explain how sorry you are and that her H lied to you too. Tell her you will never have anything to do with him again. Don't expect a nice reply from her BB, it may contain only abuse. But if you do contact try to remain dignified and sensitive to her distress no matter how insulting her response. I wish my H's OW had been as nice as you. good luck veron
newbby Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 veronese, i was just exploring the question really. i wasnt assuming to know, i am sorry if it came across that way. perhaps brubaker should also put this question to the bs in infidelity. your reply was enlightening though. i did think to leave it though, unless she came to her with questions. what do you think?
sylviaguardian Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 This is an interesting question (sorry to hijack the thread BB). I am not so sure what the right answer is. I am one of those BW who would rather have heard the truth (took me 8 months to get it out) so if the MM is saying for example, that the affair was emotional when it was physical, information like this would be useful from the OW. I do believe that the majority of MWs would want to know the truth. On the other hand, at the end of the day the MM had an affair. There is no such thing as a 'nice' or 'honourable' affair so the MW has to make a decision based on that knowledge. There is no point in knowing that the MM told the OW that they sleep in separate rooms, have no sex life etc. This just adds more hurt to a devastating situation. Implicit within all affairs are lies. The MM has to present himself in the best light to both parties so we can surmise that he will have told the OW things that allow him to still appear to be a good guy even although he is cheating. So he will say things like 'We have nothing in common, staying together for the kids, no spark, MW is a nag' etc. When the sh*t hits the fan he will tell the wife 'It was just fun that got out of control, she means nothing, it was just sex etc' Knowing the exact lies he told to both parties is not going to help anyone. Just accept that he lied. End of story. By the way BB, I also wanted to say that it is nice to hear from an OW who has remorse. I spoke to the OW in my situation once and she was totally abusive and hard. And she is married herself with children. It was difficult to think that someone I felt was 50% responsible for the nightmare that my life turned into had just walked away without a second thought. In your shoes though, I think I wouldn't contact the wife. She will be extremely angry with you and perhaps it is better for you to just distance yourself and get on with your own life. Sylvia
newbby Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 i wouldnt say that was a hijack, syl. i am sorry to hear that the ow was abusive to you. just wondering whether it would really have made a difference though. i mean would have been better if she sounded like a really nice person? wouldnt that in some ways have made things worse?
sparticuss Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I just hope for her sake she doesn't take him back. I am sure he is telling her enormous lies now in order to get back into his house. Bottom line is....they are ALL THE SAME. and to anyone reading this who is starting a relationship with a MM all I can say is... DON'T. you will end up alone and feeling full of guilt for the pain you have caused innocent people (he also has 2 kids who are devastated. i have a young son as well and i regret EVER having let this man into his life). All the same! You jest of course. Change just one thing in your story. Change his lies to the truth. And in many cases they are absoloutely true. In fact , althiugh he didn' t have another woman at the time, this guys lies were my brothers reality two years ago. All the same? Nothing could be further from the truth.
newbby Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 the trouble is, that these are the reasons the ow continues believing the mm. it is very possible that it is true, and most people have heard one or other story where it is the case.
Author brubaker2004 Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 sparticuss, the HUGE difference with your brother was that he didn't have another woman. many people are in bad, unhappy marriages and they should be honest with their spouse and GET OUT. your brother should have gotten out then.
Author brubaker2004 Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 I just want to make clear that I still think that my MM was unhappy in his marriage. The lie he told me was that she felt the same way and that he had been living in a different bedroom and that they had sat down with their kids months ago to prepare them for the inevitable divorce. He lied to me about this to keep me in the relationship. At the end, he did tell her about me and that he was in love with me (which she confirmed when I spoke with her), but the devastation came for me when I heard her side and also that the kids were as shell-shocked as she was (and also the fact that he admitted he was still sleeping with her). I would have never had anything to do with the situation had I known the truth, and like I said before it is a regret I will live with forever. I have decided not to contact her. Thanks for all of your various points of view, they are greatly appreciated. For now I am going to concentrate on the healing process for me and my son.
HopeInTears Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Brubaker, I applaud you... I considered contacting the BS in my situation, but decided it was better not to. She knows you exist and how to find you, so I would believe it is best to break away for the sake of everyone involved. Exchanging the lies will only increase the amount of anger and tension. My MM lied to me so immensely, denied EVER EVEN BEING MARRIED! Then when it came out he claimed he was married for only one year and that "things were not where I hoped they would be" and that it was a bad marriage... I then found out not only were they married for 5 years, but she is his high school sweetheart... I was devestated at what he had done to me and my children - as believing he was single and becoming an active part in my life i welcomed him into my children's lives as well. The trauma affects everyone involved. Be proud of yourself and walk away... if for no other reason to show your children you are a better person...
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