Ouch, now that's a wound.

[Neosporin]

I dont know if this is the right thread so please excuse me if it is not.

 

Hello all,

I am new to this board and found it through google.

I am fairly young in age(24) and am not married but have been with the same woman for nearly 7 years. We have had our ups and downs as does any couple. We have that split-up that seems inevitable for a month 2 years ago. I dated someone else she dated someone else but we ended up back together stronger than before. We moved in together and for the most part it was great, she does not get on my nerves nor do I or so I like to believe. We went through some rough times about 5 months ago and she apparently gave oral to a co-worker. Now granted I not once ever cheated on her but I honestly felt I pushed her to that in some way.

I don’t see it myself but am told I am an ideal boyfriend/husband. I am loving, able to do all household chores, faithful, spontaneous, etc. But I lost my job at that time and was going through a very tough time forcing her to carry the weight which she honestly is more than capable of doing. I feel that changed her view of me forcing her to do that act.

She revealed it to me with as “making-out” at first but with some intuitive prodding she admitted to oral. I am extremely forgiving and not one to say anything truly spiteful in a situation like that so we talked over it like adults and made some agreements.

Since she was drinking (she work at a bartending school, so drinking is a weekly occurrence) and it was a co-worker (who happened to supposedly be leaving the job that same day) I made her agree to either cut down the late post-work drinking altogether or continue it, but make me a part of it instead of leaving me at home with a cooked meal and a clean house waiting. I also forced her to give me every detail (not sure if this is good or bad) which she did. She followed the agreements as I would hope and we grew closer. But I still have been unable to find a job since, but instead I have virtually become a male Martha Stewart. I continued my job search why she carried both our weights on her back. I did not like this but can admit that it may have seemed to her that I was fine with being a parasite on her. Overall we seemed closer because of it. We even had a very romantic weekend in Canada-Niagara Falls on my birthday and have been speaking of marriage and children. We have been glorious to tell you the truth. Those conversations pushed me harder to become a provider as well as a homemaker. I even applied to a culinary arts school and will start next year with many goals and a strong driving force. I am more motivated now that I have ever been. But during that entire time she began doing what she agreed not to do, going out drinking late without me with her co-workers who are honestly nothing but the most irresponsible people to even associate with. She gradually began to loathe me I think in many ways. Last week on Monday we had a fight after I stood up to her and oddly had that cliché argument a housewife would have with her husband who is never home. Unfortunately she happened to be going down to Florida to train some new workers at a new school they opened. I was miserable but motivated by myself at home trying to get a job NOW even it if meant working the grill at McDonalds. On Thursday her phone was off or she was screening my calls, which honestly sent me into a mild panic but I dealt with it myself. Anyway she arrived home on Saturday afternoon, I picked her up with a bouquet of flowers at the airport to her surprise and we arrived home. It was than that she asked me to move out, I was hurt but I am a person who would never quit on a relationship when it can work so I agreed and pathetically packed a small bag and went to my mothers. It was peaceful though and I felt maybe this is what is needed, she should not have to support me for such a long time and I planned on getting my **** together as fast as possible so I could move back in as we agreed. But in the back of my mind I suspected treachery.

 

I am getting to the point sorry for the lone post but this seems to be therapy for me lol.

 

That same Saturday she went to an office holiday party and at 3am was drunk and stranded in the Manhattan. I drove from Staten Island (very long drive) to times square to pick her up and take her home, she asked me to sleep there and I complied happily. Every time we discussed the situation her answers to my questions regarding the plans got more “wrong.” Instead of reassurance I got more doubtful, I felt like a dog that is tricked into chasing a bone when the owner pump fakes. I did something ethically wrong and cracked her password and got into her email account and found an incriminating message to ANOTHER co-worker.

Apparently that Thursday she was with him and slept with him three times. She said he was the most intriguing man ever blah blah blah etc.

I called her we cried, well mostly me. Honestly I cried like I never should have cried, but despite this I don’t hate her and still love her dearly. I drove over to the apartment and we talked. I got every detail and she is definitely upset as well. Her excuse was that she saw us as broken up despite that fact that I did not seem to get that memo stating so.

We are back together and we have a lot of work to do if we ever will recapture that special love. We were a couple everyone envied for out devotion.

 

My problem is that I feel like an empty shell. What was once a confident, trusting and loving young man has turned into a somber, insecure, rage filled person. I don’t ever have thoughts of violence but I want to rip that guys head off.

That is my problem I am blaming EVERYONE else but her, even myself. I am not even sure whether she is upset about getting caught or about almost losing me. She was on her way to breaking up with me by kicking me out so am I back home because of guilt? I am so lost right now. I made her swear NEVER to go out with any of those vile co-workers again, but she showed doubt or disappointment about that instead of agreeing to it instantly. She was relieved to finally have gotten ridden of me a day ago because she is too much of a coward to break up with me and all of a sudden is willing to work on it because I cried on the phone or something.

 

There is the situation, I have much more concerns but I will mention them as I get replies to this I can’t type anymore without concern for you guys heh.

I need advice bad because nobody I know has gone through this.

 

Please help.

[Jilly10340]

Oh boy...that really sucks...

 

Well, she cheated on you once, she cheated on you twice, who's to say she's not going to do it again?

 

I know that if I truly, deeply loved a person, I would never even think of being with someone else.

 

I know 7 years is a long time, but I would find someone who wants to be with you and only you, you don't need to worry about who she's getting with.

 

Oh, and this is NOT your fault!

[JadeStar]

Cut your loses with her. She has made her choice as far as not wanting to be with you, and by her actions as far as these other guys etc. Do not be a doormat for her. I understand you're frustrated and upset, but you really don't need this kind of unhealthy relationship. I think you need to cut all contact with her, so you can begin the healing process, it will not happen overnight.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Neosporin]

I guess I have convinced myself that men cheat because we are stupid and women cheat because they are lacking something from their men. I need to erase that idea I guess.

 

Is it at all possible for something like this to happen and a relationship actually works?

 

I also have a way to contact the other man and am dieing to speak to him that a bad idea?

[JadeStar]

I guess I have convinced myself that men cheat because we are stupid and women cheat because they are lacking something from their men. I need to erase that idea I guess.

 

Is it at all possible for something like this to happen and a relationship actually works?

 

 

People cheat for different reasons. Sure some of it may come from the fact someone is lacking something for the relationship, then there are some that just simply do not care and do it for other reasons. Sounds like you were so good to her she possibly took you for granted and took advantage of your goodness towards her, but not sure on that.

 

As far as something like this happening and it working out, I guess its possible, but she would have to be willing to change. You can not change her, she has too, and has to want too. If shes not willing too, then no it wont work.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[tanbark813]

I guess I have convinced myself that men cheat because we are stupid and women cheat because they are lacking something from their men. I need to erase that idea I guess.

 

Yes you do.

 

Is it at all possible for something like this to happen and a relationship actually works?

 

No.

 

I also have a way to contact the other man and am dieing to speak to him that a bad idea?

 

Yes. I would bet good money that you will regret it afterwards if you do.

 

Man, she cheated on you twice, then kicked YOU out afterwards. She doesn't love you. Time to find your balls and then move on so you can find a faithful woman.

[Neosporin]

I suddenly felt obligated to mention that we were, have been best friends for the entire time we have known each other. It is not a typical sappy were best friends either. We really were and it was the basis for out relationship.

So this is sort of a double whammy to me, sort of like your girlfirned cheating on you with your best friends I guess.

[Kenyth]

You're wasting some of the best years of your life on this pitiful excuse for a relationship. Get out, and get on without her. You'll thank yourself for it later.

[crazy_grl]

I guess I have convinced myself that men cheat because we are stupid and women cheat because they are lacking something from their men. I need to erase that idea I guess.

 

There is no excuse for cheating whether you're male or female. If something was lacking, she should have told you, given you the chance to work on it and then gotten out of the relationship if something was still lacking.

 

If she cheated on you, something is wrong with her. It's not something you did to make her cheat. And she did it twice. Doesn't look very good for her character. Remember that.

 

Is it at all possible for something like this to happen and a relationship actually works?

 

Possible? Yes. Likely? No. Worth your time, effort plus the agony and worries over whether she'll do it again? Probably not.

 

So, yes, it's possible. But do you honestly believe it's worth it? Wouldn't you be better off without someone who inflicts this kind of pain on you?

 

I also have a way to contact the other man and am dieing to speak to him that a bad idea?

 

Probably. What reason do you have to contact him? What would you get out of it?

[reservoirdog1]

I'm sorry to say this, but I think the fact she cheated the first time, and found it so easy to do it AGAIN after seeing what pain you experienced, is that she had no respect for you.

 

In any reasonable balance sheet of life, you and she were on equal footing: she made the money, while you ensured that the domestic environment was cozy and inviting, that there was food waiting when she came home, that the home was clean, etc. You were, to use your phrase, "a male Martha Stewart." You both contributed.

 

The problem is, that doesn't jibe with reality. Try as we might, most human beings are still a prisoner of gender roles. She didn't want a male Martha Stewart. She wanted a guy who was out there every day, busting his ass in the "real world". She wanted a "man's man" -- somebody who made her feel secure and protected. And she didn't feel that way as long as she was "wearing the pants in the family."

 

The role-reversal situation CAN work. But it frequently doesn't. And when it doesn't, it's often because the woman wielding the financial power feels that something is amiss, and feels that the man should be the breadwinner.

 

None of which changes the fact that she seems to be lacking something in the conscience department. She has no respect for you now, and you'd probably be wasting your time to try to inspire some in her. Continue to pursue your dreams. If you want to be a chef, then go for it. That woman has a preconceived image of you now that will be difficult to shake. There are other women out there who DON'T have that.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Sorry to hear all that but you are asking should you trust her hell no she done it a couple of times already what makes you think it won't happen again !! i beleive people can change but i doubt she will with not knowing what she wants by contiually cheating on you should tell you she isn't for a commitment and isn't willing to be monogomous cut your losses and find someone else that is deserving of you!!! She certainly dont have any respect of you if she did she wouldn't continue to hurt you over and over again!! GOOD LUCK

[VnusMars]

The single biggest problem with your story are all your statements that somehow you "caused her to do it."

 

No you didn't.

 

No one "causes" someone else to cheat.

Sure, if the relationship is on the rocks for one reason or the other it may be an attractive alternative to a self-centered, cowardly person, but that doesn't mean it is the fault of the person being cheated on.

She has, in some way, manipulated the situation to try and make it your fault so you'll keep your mouth shut while she continues to find ways to cheat behind your back. Every time the truth has come out, she discovers a new way to keep it from you.

 

The one very big red flag here is this:

"I made her swear NEVER to go out with any of those vile co-workers again, but she showed doubt or disappointment about that instead of agreeing to it instantly."

 

Besides the fact that this statement definitely proves that you're blaming everyone BUT her...

It also shows that she has no intention of stopping. A truly remorseful, hopeful person would immediately offer to bend over backwards to accomodate their BF and do whatever it takes to make them feel safe and secure.

If she demonstrated this type of dedication to you, THEN it might be worth continuing with her. Until she says "sorry, I'm done and here's proof" then she's not worth the effort.

[Taylor23]

Neosporin:

 

This is a quick answer to a complex problem but I think you can learn from my situation. I married a person who admitidly cheated on every boyfriend (and one ex-husband) she ever had. We now have two children and I have caught her twice cheating on me. Now, however, I can't just get up and leave because I owe it to my children to try to work it out - it is tough and it sucks.

 

It might be tough to leave her now but if you get talked into getting married and having children the ramifications will increase 1,000 times - because, while I could leave and live in an apartment and generally be miserable, I can't live with the thought of my children not growing up in a home with a mother and a father.

 

As to calling the other guy - I called my OM and let loose with a rage that I did not think I had in me. This was a situation where I caught them once, didn't have a firm enough response, and they then did it again - I wasn't going to make that mistake again. That said, it did not really make me feel much better. That's a small ounce of revenge compared to what they did to us.

 

Hope that helps - hang in there.

[Neosporin]

An update and a clarification on my post above:

I tried leaving her initially when this all happened and she begged me not to go, and I love her so I agreed to stay.

I have come to realize several things since than.

Her cheating was not my fault directly but because of me we DID have some serious issues. Issues which she tried hard to mend with nothing but empty promises in return from me. I acknowledge this and can see why it pushed her to do what she did.

Regardless it was still her choice and a big mistake and in no way am I excusing that she attempted to fix our problems by cheating the first time.

 

The second time we had a massive argument before she left and she considered us completely broken up despite me not knowing this.

She was afraid to breakup with me and admits this.

 

After much crying, arguing and turmoil on both our parts we are back together and taking it day by day.

I have been (for obvious reasons) wigging out pretty often though.

I feel the typical feelings of someone who was cheated on...

I feel unattractive, unwanted, etc. but those feelings are slowly subsiding.

But what is really hammering away at me is the expected paranoia, jealousy and possessiveness.

It seems to be eating at me very hard and very fast.

I have been snooping constantly. Viewing her cell phone records, emails, and myspace account(which is how I caught her in the first place).

She still has contact with him but it is a part of her job and I can accept that. I am not stupid or delusional so I am sure that I have seen no evidence of anything out of the ordinary honestly.

Yet those damn feelings remain.

I am driving her nuts and pushing her away despite our desire to work this out.

 

She really is being patient with me, I can see that, but I know I am being extremely overbearing and she is suffering because of it. I am stressing her out now far worse than I have ever.

We are now fighting over my wigging out, which probably happens every other day, instead of the actual problems.

Today we argued again I realized that if I don’t cut this **** out I will lose her.

She is keeping me updated on her side of things and I can see I am being really hard on her.

She also found out about my snooping and that infuriated her. She claims understanding of my paranoia and is trying to be patient but I am wearing it thin.

This is no exaggeration to be quite honest as I have been laying it on pretty thick on her.

Now my wigging out has no basis though. I have accepted like I said that she has contact with the other guy but this weekend she is going back to Fort Lauderdale where this all started.

She is getting there early this Friday and will have the entire day alone to herself down there.

On Saturday her mother will be joining her though which calms me.

She is supposed to be staying on Sunday night after her mother leaves but has agreed to try her best to leave on Sunday cutting down on her nights alone down there to one. There are no grantees though. Since her ticket was free from the airlines they were unable to change the dates for her over the phone. She has to do it in person when she arrives.

This understandably makes me VERY uneasy and has been a catalyst for my behavior.

It all started down there and this will mark the second time she travels without me.

 

I suppose my questions are:

-Is there anyway to manage the jealousy effectively?

-Is it really unreasonable for me to be acting this way? It is a bit much but am I out of line?

-Despite her obvious motivations to work this out I still sense some doubt on her part should I just cut her loose?

 

I am not looking for definite end/all be/all answers. I just have nobody to talk to besides you guys.

I hope this post makes sense.

[oner]

Dude, you are being played for a fool. She's only hanging around long enough to make everything look like your fault, and it looks like her mind games are already working. She'll dump you sooner or later and probably blame it all on your newfound (and completely rational) paranoia and insecurity.

 

She isn't the least bit sorry for what she's done -- she'd already justified the whole thing before it even happened. The "I thought we were broken up that week/day/minute" excuse is such a classic serial cheaters line it made me chuckle. She's even got you believing her other bs justifications, when in reality there is no excuse. Period.

 

Get out now, explain that you just can't live with what she did, tell her she is a sad excuse for a girlfriend and that she deserves every misery coming her way in the future. Dig up anything you can think thats hurtful to say and throw it in her face. That's the only satisfaction you're going to get out of this mess, and nothing you can say will be as bad as what she did.

 

Preserve the last shred of dignity you have left, slam the door on your way out, and don't look back. Vow to yourself that you'll never let yourself be treated like that again by anybody, especially alcoholic bartenders who can't keep their legs closed, and get on with your life. You deserve and will soon find better.

 

Or, you could be her doormat until she gets tired of walking on you, and finally leaves you a complete miserable wreck feeling even worse than you do now. Your choice.

[jmargel]

An update and a clarification on my post above:

I tried leaving her initially when this all happened and she begged me not to go, and I love her so I agreed to stay.

I have come to realize several things since than.

Her cheating was not my fault directly but because of me we DID have some serious issues. Issues which she tried hard to mend with nothing but empty promises in return from me. I acknowledge this and can see why it pushed her to do what she did.

Regardless it was still her choice and a big mistake and in no way am I excusing that she attempted to fix our problems by cheating the first time.

 

The second time we had a massive argument before she left and she considered us completely broken up despite me not knowing this.

She was afraid to breakup with me and admits this.

 

After much crying, arguing and turmoil on both our parts we are back together and taking it day by day.

I have been (for obvious reasons) wigging out pretty often though.

I feel the typical feelings of someone who was cheated on...

I feel unattractive, unwanted, etc. but those feelings are slowly subsiding.

But what is really hammering away at me is the expected paranoia, jealousy and possessiveness.

It seems to be eating at me very hard and very fast.

I have been snooping constantly. Viewing her cell phone records, emails, and myspace account(which is how I caught her in the first place).

She still has contact with him but it is a part of her job and I can accept that. I am not stupid or delusional so I am sure that I have seen no evidence of anything out of the ordinary honestly.

Yet those damn feelings remain.

I am driving her nuts and pushing her away despite our desire to work this out.

 

She really is being patient with me, I can see that, but I know I am being extremely overbearing and she is suffering because of it. I am stressing her out now far worse than I have ever.

We are now fighting over my wigging out, which probably happens every other day, instead of the actual problems.

Today we argued again I realized that if I don’t cut this **** out I will lose her.

She is keeping me updated on her side of things and I can see I am being really hard on her.

She also found out about my snooping and that infuriated her. She claims understanding of my paranoia and is trying to be patient but I am wearing it thin.

This is no exaggeration to be quite honest as I have been laying it on pretty thick on her.

Now my wigging out has no basis though. I have accepted like I said that she has contact with the other guy but this weekend she is going back to Fort Lauderdale where this all started.

She is getting there early this Friday and will have the entire day alone to herself down there.

On Saturday her mother will be joining her though which calms me.

She is supposed to be staying on Sunday night after her mother leaves but has agreed to try her best to leave on Sunday cutting down on her nights alone down there to one. There are no grantees though. Since her ticket was free from the airlines they were unable to change the dates for her over the phone. She has to do it in person when she arrives.

This understandably makes me VERY uneasy and has been a catalyst for my behavior.

It all started down there and this will mark the second time she travels without me.

 

I suppose my questions are:

-Is there anyway to manage the jealousy effectively?

-Is it really unreasonable for me to be acting this way? It is a bit much but am I out of line?

-Despite her obvious motivations to work this out I still sense some doubt on her part should I just cut her loose?

 

I am not looking for definite end/all be/all answers. I just have nobody to talk to besides you guys.

I hope this post makes sense.

 

Please read the link in my signature it may help you out. Right now her cheating is just a 'topic' what you really want to fix is the issues. The issue is why she cheated and what steps can you both take to make this relationship secure. The trust is gone and is shown by your snooping. One is to expect that. Your best course right now if you two are really serious with each other is to find a licensed marriage counselor. If she is not willing to go then you know your true answer. This isn't about going to someone and cruixifying her, it's to come to terms of what happened and how to prooceed from there. Let her know that.

 

If you just deal with the topic of her & this guy & not with the issue then the topic will reappear either with him or another guy. It's upto you if you want to go through all of this with her. If you love her enough you will, just like she will with you. However if it's too much for you right now then maybe you should call it quits.

 

You have some tough decisions to make and do not let anyone on here tell you what to do. They aren't living your life. What decisions you make today and the following months will have an impact on your future. I would highly recommend the counseling for not only this situation but for yourself.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

There is a difference between someone who cheats and someone who has an affair. A cheater is just that, a cheater. They usually don't change. They cheat for any number of reasons and always turn it back on the betrayed partner as it is their fault. They create arguments as an excuse to leave. It is never their fault and are very good and making you feel as if it is your fault and you are the one that should change. An affair usually occurs because one of the basic needs are not being met. You have to make the decision to stay, or to leave, but either way, you should have counseling for yourself. Good luck!

[Weye]

Get out and don't look back! She's cheated on you twice, she'll do it again without a second thought. Otherwise, there's more hurting coming your way. Girls like this are nothing but trouble. Find a girl who you can trust and who will make you happy.

 

And in the future, don't show insecurity or ever cry in front of your woman. Girls see this as weak. It encourages them to cheat.

[crazy_grl]

And in the future, don't show insecurity or ever cry in front of your woman. Girls see this as weak. It encourages them to cheat.

 

I agreed with you until this. That's total BS. An insecure girl or one who lives by rigidly defined gender roles sees this as week. If a guy wants a gf he's not afraid to cry in front of, then he should cry if he feels like crying. Turning into a basket case all the time is another story though, and that's not appealing whether you're male or female.