rick64 Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I feel a little weird posting this but I am at my wits end and feel like I am going to lose it if I don't get some help/advice. I hope this is the right forum for this. posted this on another message board web site, need all the advice I can get This will be long, so I apologize. Please feel free to skip it. First some background I am 41 years old and I met a girl online (thru Live Journal) that is 22. She was involved at the time and has 2 kids from the same man, they were never married. he cheated on her more than once. She followed him across country and eventually left him and moved back to her hometwon. We have been talking for over a year, close to a year and a half. Since May, when she moved back to California, we have become serious, exclusive to each other and dating LD. We met twice and everything was super. Great. We do have a Dom/sub, daddy/girl dynamic to our realtionship. She is very much into that and I realized I was as well. She feel completely in love with me, I was her world. It is hard for me to feel that strong over such a long distance but I still felt like she was the one I wanted to be with forever, just wasn't good at showing it or saying it. 3 months ago I "cheated" on her. I talked to another female on LJ about her being my "little girl" as well and had a phone sex session. She found out about it and was devastated. But we stayed togehter and i assured her it was a bad mistake, I got caught up in a fantasy online and made a stupid decision. Let her know she was the only one, now and forever. And I meant it. I never strayed one little bit from that point on. One point to add, when we argue about the silly things couple argue about I sometimes get mean. Bad namecalling, hurtful and abusive. It has been a problem of mine and is something I have really worked on but it still came up with her. Well, over Thanksgiving I became ill, was sick for three days then developed an unrelated problem that put me in the hospital for 4 days and had surgery. We had little contact over that time. She had family plan on Thanksgiving and I was so miserable I couldn't even sleep. So basically for 10 days we had no contact. And before that we had talked every day, usually several times a day. And emailed and IM'ed on a regular basis. When I got out of the hospital she told me she wanted "some time apart." Well, we all know what that means. She told me she felt good when I was in the hospital because she knew where I was and didn't worry what i was doing. It made her feel good. Obviously she doesn't trust me at all. Well, I was completely floored and blindsided. I knew she still hurt from my cheating but felt I had assured her enough she was the only one I ever wanted. It has been a week since she wanted this to end, we still talk. She is "confused" and doesn't think she "will ever be able to trust me again". Therefore she essentially wants to end it, but always stops just before saying that. Since then I have been a complete wreck. I feel like I have lost of piece of my soul. I can't imagine not having her in my life. I cry. I listen to sad songs all day that make me cry more. I have done absolutely ZERO at work. I can't sleep, can't eat. I am scared to death I have blown the best thing I have ever had. I have sent her daily emails and texts letting her know how wrong I was, how much I love her, how I want to make it all up to her, prove to her that she is the only girl I ever want. Sent her flowers. I have let her know how vulnerable I am right now. I want to come see her before the end of the month. One minute she says OK, the next minute she "doesn't know if it's a good idea" She is scared of being hurt again and feeling like she did the past few months. I think she felt trapped. She gave her self and trust to me comepletely and I took it for granted. I think is essential we see each other, I know it is for me. There is no way I will ever be able to end this if I don't see her and look into her eyes. I want to hold her and kiss her, I want everything to be OK. I told her I am coming to see her whether she says OK or not but I don't know how practical that is. She lives with a roommate and has 2 kids as well. What if she refuses to see me?, I'm across the country with nothing but my pride in my hand. My question is this - How can I show her that she is the ONLY girl I ever want? What can I do to start rebuilding that trust? How can I convince her that what we had was special and deserves another chance? I know the right thing to do is to take a step back, let her get some feelings together but I just can't make myself do that. I need a distraction. I asked her a silly hypothetical question, if you could take a pill that would allow you to trust me 100% would you still want this relationship? She said yes, of course. I asked because I felt there was something more she wasn't saying that is holding her back. But she tells me that the trust issue is the reason she is hesitant. I love this girl more than I ever imagined. I know now that she gave me something fragile and special and I took it for granted. I hurt her. I can't imagine going on without her. It is so true, you don't know what you got into its gone. I have always felt I had to "settle" for a female that would have me. Never thoght I could get the girl I wanted. She changed all the for me, but I was too stupid and scared to open up and accept it. I'm willing to listen to any and all observations/suggestions/critiques any of you have. Please be honest, I'll take the good and the bad. Thanks P.S. for those of you that are masochists and want more, here is link to my Live Journal http://www.livejournal.com/users/big_space
AriaIncognito Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I hate to be bluntly honest, but you said: "I never strayed one little bit from that point on." The fact that you strayed, at all, would make me move on from the relationship, had I been in her shoes. She deserves someone who is with only her. Not someone who might once in a while get their kicks doing phone sex with someone else. It's not fair to her. If you truly want to learn from this, move on, and find someone else and DON'T cheat on her. Just my 2 cents. Jennifer
Kitteney Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I asked her a silly hypothetical question, if you could take a pill that would allow you to trust me 100% would you still want this relationship? I'm curious... where in the world did this question come from and why did you ask it? what kind of answer were you hoping for?
Author rick64 Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 you're right. i have no right to expect forgiveness, what I did was wrong without a doubt. that is what's so hard to deal with. i f'ed up and it was a fatal mistake. I hate to be bluntly honest, but you said: "I never strayed one little bit from that point on." The fact that you strayed, at all, would make me move on from the relationship, had I been in her shoes. She deserves someone who is with only her. Not someone who might once in a while get their kicks doing phone sex with someone else. It's not fair to her. If you truly want to learn from this, move on, and find someone else and DON'T cheat on her. Just my 2 cents. Jennifer
Author rick64 Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 I'm curious... where in the world did this question come from and why did you ask it? what kind of answer were you hoping for? i felt like there was something else that caused this, I didn't take into account the cumulative effect. i figured if she said yes to my silly hypothetical it was mostly a question of trust, if she said no then maybe there was more to our problems. i never claimed i was sane or reasonable in dealing with this
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