what if feelings dont go away?

[sick of it]

I appreciate all the advice given in every situation on LS. However, why is everything a game? Maybe this is just frustration talking, but it seems like no contact, dont tell her how you feel, act like you dont care....are all games.

Ive been broken up for 7 months. im able to hide it better, but the feelings are strong. im still in love with her and miss her everyday. we were together for 5.5 years and we broke up for reasons not completely known to me. shes with someone else now. and has been for a few months. everytime we talk, we fight. its not me starting the argyment. clearly shes mad at me about something and i dont know what. maybe its guilt. i didnt take the break up well and let her know. i became very emotional and just sunk into the pit of life. i couldnt be happy around her even if she was trying to be nice and her last impressions of me are of me being miserable (for good cause). ive been doing no contact and i hate it. every moment im away from her shes doing something with this guy. yes, i know i cant do anything about it. "if its meant to be, it will be." i dont understand how memories and comfort of one another can be so easily thrown aside. i understand if both people are done trying. but if someone is so incredibly willing to fix everything. be pefect to them. i dont see how that doesnt deserve another chance. i never abused her or cheated. i physically wasnt there for her because we went to separate schools. i came home for her. i asked her if should come home and she asked me to. as soon as i did she broke up with me.

ive gotten off topic. ive been doing no contact. all i want to do is go to her and make her understand. why must we act like we dont care, not contact them, not let them know. itry that and im not healing. what if its real? im a romantic, i do believe in the idea of fate. if my feelings dont go away, what if she is the real thing and how do i convince her of it. i dont see how it can feel so deep to me, so real, so genuine, and so important to me and she can start a new relationship which is always superficial at first. i understand that im in the middle of emotion and cant clearly see the future, but i cant see myself stop loving her. shes still in my thoughts and dreams. and yes, maybe you dont know what you have until its gone, but do we really have to suffer for it? and for how long?

[starblitz]

I wish I knew... I hate the games that people play to make sure that somebody loves you. What happened to honestly and respect?

 

Sorry this wasn't much of a reply...

[lindya]

I appreciate all the advice given in every situation on LS. However, why is everything a game? Maybe this is just frustration talking, but it seems like no contact, dont tell her how you feel, act like you dont care....are all games.

 

When people think about not withholding contact and withholding information about how they feel in order to gain power over another person - yes, that's a game.

 

Gaining control over yourself whilst you're too upset to handle contact with that person in a rational manner isn't a game. It's just common sense.

[In Sync]

Of course she's still in your thoughts and you love her. But NC is a way to regain your dignity and become stronger. During the break-up period we think what we feel and think has some control or influence over the object of our affections...we almost become obsessed with thinking about trying to change the most painful experience imaginable..losing someone you loved. There's no getting around this period. It's not game playing. You cannot see it because you are in the eye of healing and every emotion is swirling around you. I'm slowly getting there, and I fought against NC, to my dismay..t lead to more disillusionment..and I felt more broken. Trust throughout all this pain it is not gameplaying...but just plain ole healing. Healing is a Painful experience. If you can accept that you will at least say to yourself I'm crying, I'm angry but ok I know this is just part of my getting stronger. We HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.

[CaliGuy]

If you read my post earlier in another thread, what is working for me is sitting there imagining how cold and indifferent she had become to me. Then I started wondering how I could have invested so much of my time and love into someone who wasn't giving much, if any, back.

 

Until you tell yourself "It's over and I accept that..." you are going to continue to beat yourself down with the "What if's?" These are questions you may never have answers to and over-analzying a failed relationship is probably the worst thing you can do.

 

Do get some exercise.

Do start hanging out with friends.

Do invest your time in hobbies.

Do allow yourself to acknowlege how you feel, but don't let it beat you. Just say to yourself "Yes, I am upset at losing her, but I am not going to let this rule my life."

 

At some point you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and stop feeling sorry. The longer you delay accepting the situation for what it is, the longer you deny it's over, the longer it's going to take you to heal and move on.

 

Unfortunately, that is the way it is.

[scobro]

every moment im away from her shes doing something with this guy. yes, i know i cant do anything about it.

Thats right there is nothing you can do about it.

That is what no contact is all about its not head games its an outlet for you to heal.Do you want to see these two together? all that will do is prolong your agony and stop healing altogether.The less contact the more you move forward.If you keep talking to her and seeing her you will hold on to false hope that one day she will come back. If you do even remotely want to have a chance stay away and do no contact if she is "the one" she will come back to you.

 

all i want to do is go to her and make her understand.

 

She understands and she chose to be with someone else anything you say is just going to be couter productive.Do you honestly think she will all of a sudden say to you "YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT WHAT WAS I THINKING LET ME DUMP MY NEW BOYFRIEND AND WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER".

 

itry that and im not healing.

You are beating yourself up and basing your whole self worth on your past relationship with her so you will never begin to heal until you can accept its over and will never happen.

 

what if its real?

Its real over thats whats real about it.She would not be with someone else if she thought different

 

im a romantic, i do believe in the idea of fate.

Then believe someone else better will come along.

 

what if she is the real thing and how do i convince her of it.

If it was the real thing you wouldn't need to convince the person of this would you????Its not real to her you will not convinve her, she will not change her mind you need to accept this.

 

but do we really have to suffer for it? and for how long?

Dumpees suffer greatly and for how long depends on how you spend your time dealing with it.If you sit around and analize and fantasize about her you will take much longer than if you do no contact start preparing to live your life without her and start working on becoming a better person in the process.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh and I know how you feel I was dumped by my wife 4 months ago and I was devastated.You will have good days and not so good days but I can tell you from experience no contact helped me the most because I know i would have held on to false hopes and drove myself insane if I talked to her all the time and was "friends"with her.Good luck

[sick of it]

Obviously its a bad day. Its incredible what emotions can make you say. How it can make you irrational and not think. I re-read my post and scobro, thank you for answering the way you did. It shows how contradictory what im saying is.

the acceptance comes and goes. im keeping myself from healing because i refuse to accept it. maybe i dont know how. im just so afraid of hurting forever. im so afarid of never being able to access those 5 years because it upsets me now, though they were the happiest of my life. it upsets me because i cant share them anymore.

The title of the post is really the question. What if they dont go away. what if the pain from being hurt never goes away. what if the love for her never goes away. is it possible to be in love with someone forever who wont love you anymore. thats my biggest fear. i want to stop pining. i want to stop feeling the way i do. but i dont want to stop loving her. i dont know how to differentiate. 7 months is a long time to feel the same way. top that with knowing what shes doing from conversations a few weeks ago (since then, ive cut off contact), with it being christmas, with my b-day coming up, with our ex-anniversary coming up, new years...all these important days/memories. i feel like the end is never in sight and it becomes so hopeless.

i cant wait to get the point of seeing the light like most of you. i cant wait to getting to the point of replying to someone elses problem. to being happy and confident and under control of my feelings. until then though, i dont know how to accept the way it is. all these cliches..."it is what is is", "thats the way life goes", thats the way the cookie crumbles" "sometimes life sucks", "nope, its not fair, oh well"....they just dont cut it anymore.

I know this is a negative post. im sure i sound stubborn. i know you all know its hard. its pain. i dont understand how you can stand to see someone you care about in this much pain and chose not to do anything about it. especially when you never saw it coming.

[scobro]

im keeping myself from healing because i refuse to accept it. maybe i dont know how.

 

7 months is quite a long time to feel this wayIMHO.Have you considered seeing a therapist or councellor?to help you work through this?

[In Sync]

She (I'll substitute and put He here) understands and he chose to be with someone else anything you say is just going to be couter productive.Do you honestly think he'll will all of a sudden say to you "YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT WHAT WAS I THINKING LET ME DUMP MY NEW GIRLFRIEND AND WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER".

 

 

 

ooops I remember having that thought...HEY STOP LAUGHING! It coulda happened!

[sick of it]

i saw a guy twice who didnt help me....but i was still at the point of crying about it. ive been put on a waiting list to see someone. ima student in college and dont have insurance so ive had to wait to see someone. ive been waiting for 3 months. everytime something else opens up its gotten canceled for some reason or another....doesnt help with the whole rejection issue.