starblitz Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Hi, I've been a lurker, but what happened today warrants a post. I didn't know where else to turn to. My (ex-)fiance and I, we've been together for three years now. We met as we were flatmates in University in Australia. He's Australian and I am Malaysian. We met when I was 20 and he was 18. We've been living together eversince we first met. We were very happy together for a long time, and although things got heavy fairly quickly (we got engaged 3 months after we got together), I felt that I have found my perfect match in him, and him with me. We got through many obstacles together (for example us not being in the same religion or coming from the same culture). Things stopped being so rosy in our second year together, however, things weren't so bad. We never argue and we always try to find a solution to our disagreements. We broke it off a few times and always get back together a few hours after we break up, and after every break up, he'll ask me to marry him again. However, after both of us graduated, things were very hard for me. I couldn't find a job that I loved, although I did do some odd jobs to keep money in the bank. He graduated later than I did as he changed his mind a few times on what he wanted to do in the future. I stood by his decisions. There were a few times when I decided that I would return to my home country to get more experience in working and then return to Australia while waiting for my Permenant Residency to get approved. This happened when we broke up the last time (but we got back together again), that I would return home for a year or so, also to give us a chance to find ourselves again. Things were good from before I went back til a few months while I am at home. He calls me every couple of days, and texts me a few times a day. But a couple of months after my return to my home country, I received a call from him saying that he wanted to break up again. I was devastated, as he said nothing could change his mind. After a while, I persuaded him that we go on a break instead of a full on break up, and he agreed. We don't talk to each other as often anymore after that, however, he still calls once a week and texts a few times everyday. I thought things were getting better, as I was giving him some space. A couple of weeks ago, he went for a holiday with his parents, where I know he won't be contactable. He returned today, and we had a nice long chat. After we'd put down the phone, I smsed him, saying something like, I don't want to be his 'back-up' in case he can't hook up with somebody better. Then I called him a few hours later and asked if he received it. That's when he told me that nothing is going to change and he won't get back to me. However, he said he didn't want to tell me his decision because he still enjoys talking to me and he knew that if he had told me that, that I would decide to go on NC, which he doesn't want to. Well, I guess after hearing that, I did tell him that it is inevitable that I ask for us to go on NC. He sounded sad that it had to come to this. I love him so much and I really cannot see myself without him. I know all facts are against me, but is there any way that I could win back his affection? Us being on LDR doesn't help either and he said that he doesn't want me to go back to Australia in the near future. I feel that it is unfair for me that I can't go back, at least to get my stuff. We had shared many things, had several joint bank accounts, and I have friends there. Am I being stupid? Have I been blinded by love that I cannot see all this happening? I need some advice to get me through this. I want him back so badly, but I don't think I have any chance. Will going on NC make things better?
Kengne II Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Going on NC will make things better - for YOU. NC is not about getting someone back, or winning back their affection. Yes - that does happen for some people. But that's not the main purpose and it certainly doesn't happen for everyone. NC is an opportunity for you to heal. Your ex-fiance is being selfish by wanting you to remain in his life, after he made the decision to break things off permanently - and yet failed to inform you until recently. Please leave him alone - for your sake. K.
cleo Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 i find that your bf is not mature and selfish. he doesnt love you enough and acted like a kid. for your own sake, just leave him at least for some time, so he can appreciate you even more. sometimes, people only appreciate things, when they lost it. and i think your bf is that type. give your self sometime to recover ...and make your self busy. wish u all the best gal!
Outcast Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 If you want to go back to Australia to see your friends and get your things, go. But don't hope that he'll change his mind.
Author starblitz Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 Its so much easier said than done. Thanks so much for all your advice, I have been stopping myself from picking up the phone and begging him to take me back. I'm trying to keep myself busy, not that it is hard, but I keep thinking about him nonetheless, hoping that he will change his mind and want us together again. My heart is aching and I feel like killing myself, but I know I shldn't be stupid coz I guess life goes on. I only wish it wasn't so hard.
Author starblitz Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 Argghhhh... I can't sleep... so tempted to message him and beg for him to take me back... this is so hard!!!
omegaRED Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Do not do it!!! Under no circumstances. Get a book, watch a movie, have a bite to eat, but DO NOT CALL! The first weeks are the hardest. It gets much easier afterwards. Just gather strength and fight the urge to call. It will only make you feel worse.
CaliGuy Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Its so much easier said than done. Thanks so much for all your advice, I have been stopping myself from picking up the phone and begging him to take me back. That will only serve to drive him away from you further. You need to break off contact and focus on healing. Work on your confidence and self-esteem. You don't NEED anyone in your life. They should compliment your life but not *be* your life. That's too much pressure for anyone. I'm trying to keep myself busy, not that it is hard, but I keep thinking about him nonetheless, hoping that he will change his mind and want us together again. It's hard at first. Start excercising at least 45 minutes every day. Do a cardio work out. It's been proven that exercise is good for depression (endorphins make you FEEL better). My heart is aching and I feel like killing myself, but I know I shldn't be stupid coz I guess life goes on. I only wish it wasn't so hard. If you are so depressed that you feel suicidal, please do go talk to a professional. No one on earth is worth killing yourself over. You will get through this. Time will heal your wounds but you must stick to no contact for it to work.
Author starblitz Posted December 15, 2005 Author Posted December 15, 2005 Work on your confidence and self-esteem. You don't NEED anyone in your life. They should compliment your life but not *be* your life. That's too much pressure for anyone. If you are so depressed that you feel suicidal, please do go talk to a professional. No one on earth is worth killing yourself over. I do get into bouts of depression... its something that I've pulled myself out of many a times. Unfortunately, professionals are not easy to find around here and depression is not acknowledged by a lot of people here. I think it was one of the reason why he's dumped me. Otherwise, I am a fairly confident person. Its just hard I guess because you spend every waking (outside working / class) hour with this person for three years, I guess you have to forgive me for feeling the withdrawal. I miss him terribly and the decision to come back to my homeland in the first place was a very difficult one. Although I have been home for summer holidays (usually for about two months), he's always been my rock, my support system. Which is why it is so difficult. I have to admit that I do have a flakey personality, and I look to him to acknowledge what I am doing is good/right. My my, I sound like a walking contradiction huh? I'm just scared that with this NC will abolish all chances that we might still have of this relationship. I know that it should be easier for me, as we're not even in the same country... but because the only communication we're had in this past five months of being apart is through phonecalls and text messages, I don't want him to forget about me that easily. At first, when we went on that break, it was because he said that he was 'confused', which I understand, because he is still young (at 22). However, at the first couple years of our relationship, I keep asking him if he was sure of this, on getting married to me, etc and he said that he was. I guess I understand that people change with time, but what I don't get is why does he always say that he's sure, and asking me to marry him again every other time he breaks up with me? I don't know what I'm trying to get from this reply. I guess I just want somebody to tell me, Yes, he is confused, but he'll realise that you're the best thing that has happened to him and you'll get back together again , but from the phonecall, I guess that would be an impossibilty... Final question, shld I send a Christmas present to him, and most importantly, his parents, at least (for his parents) as a gesture of thanks for all the great times I've shared with them?
Recommended Posts