ReluctantRomeo Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 While Sparticuss has a point about the pain of bad breaks, commitmentphobia - in girls as well as guys - has other roots too. I think an individualistic society has a lot to answer for. Particularly in the way children are brought up and commitment is modelled and trained by adults. Also, as human beings we each have a choice as to whether we go with the flow - and whether we allow the pain of a previous relationship to ruin the next one.
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Not even Friday and you're at it I'm hot any day of the week
Woggle Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 The ones that come with nothig but pain sure arent! And I've been trying to explain this to oxo. Quite a few are actually worth committing to. I have a name for them. I call them Mrs. Can't belme the guys who snapped them up as fast as they did either. There are a few raregems that a man would be lucky to get involved with. The men who find these women are very lucky.
FireReady Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I feel lost... I have been in the dating scene for about a year now and can't seem to find a decent guy to establish a relationship with. I have tried blind dates, internet dating sites, and what seems like everything in between. Most of the men I seem to meet are only after sex, and I am not willing to offer that casually. I am not asking for "Mr. Perfect" I just simply want to have someone to share something special with. I am not sure what I am doing wrong. I am an attractive, fit, intelligent, and caring 25 year old woman who is ready for something real and lasting. I am shy though, so I never approach men, nor ask them out first. I have been in long-term relationships before, but it seems like the closer I become to a "marriagable" age, the further away the men get. I don't want to live my life alone. Where are all the nice guys? Does anyone feel my pain? Just so you know, I was browsing the internet and on Yahoo they had this news article about how normal dating has become obsolete and at present, blind dates are the best way to go... you might want to read the article, it'll give you reason not to be discouraged.
lindya Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 As I think Shaz pointed out in Bridget Jones' diary, the whole world has gone mad for commitment phobia. Everybody wants to claim it as their own...but as usual, men are on the bandwagon pushing the women off and saying "Off vile wenches...'tis our malady alone. Always has been, always will be..." Women get hurt in relationships too, or they avoid relationships because they're afraid of losing the individuality that we've all been encouraged to embrace (good point btw RR).
Woggle Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I think women these days are not much better than men when it comes to commitment issues. I am not a commitmentphobe I am just super choosy about who I commit to.
sparticuss Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 As I think Shaz pointed out in Bridget Jones' diary, the whole world has gone mad for commitment phobia. Everybody wants to claim it as their own...but as usual, men are on the bandwagon pushing the women off and saying "Off vile wenches...'tis our malady alone. Always has been, always will be..." Women get hurt in relationships too, or they avoid relationships because they're afraid of losing the individuality that we've all been encouraged to embrace (good point btw RR). No lindia. NO they don't. That one is an old spinsters tale. Partly perpetuated by the womens trash rags although even these are starting to debunk that myth these days. It's a suicide count of one in thirteen divorced men. It's not even one in thirteen hundred divorced women. Forget about the fiteen year old girl who swallows a bottle of sleeping pills, and leaves s suicid note. Thats not a suicide attempt. Thats emotional blackmail. I'm talking about the real thing, done with a gun or a train.
lindya Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 No lindia. NO they don't. That one is an old spinsters tale. Partly perpetuated by the womens trash rags although even these are starting to debunk that myth these days. It's a suicide count of one in thirteen divorced men. It's not even one in thirteen hundred divorced women. Forget about the fiteen year old girl who swallows a bottle of sleeping pills, and leaves s suicid note. Thats not a suicide attempt. Thats emotional blackmail. I'm talking about the real thing, done with a gun or a train. Examining statistics in isolation can be misleading. To give a more balanced argument, you would do well to also examine statistics with regard to the number of people who attempt suicide - and consider the difference between methods used by men and those commonly used by women. It's true that men tend to use more violent methods - and violent methods, because of their immediacy, are more effective. Dismissing a failed suicide attempt as emotional blackmail indicates to me that this is a subject you have approached from an emotive level rather than one you've studied objectively.
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 No lindia. NO they don't. That one is an old spinsters tale. Partly perpetuated by the womens trash rags although even these are starting to debunk that myth these days. I agree with Lindya - women are just as hurt as men. To add an extra point to her argument, I would say that many men lack constructive coping mechanisms. Women are on average more emotionally intelligent - slowly talking the issue through with your friends beats drinking alone then trying to kill yourself. So differential suicide rates say nothing about relative hurt between the genders.
lindya Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I agree with Lindya - women are just as hurt as men. Thanks Romeo.
Author Xoxogirl Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 I agree with both Lindya and Romeo. Thanks guys! I can't understand how in this day and age how people can really believe that women and men are that different as to not be both hurt dramatically in the aftermath of a breakup. To say that men commit suicide more frequently then women do after a breakup may be correct statistically, but that doesn't mean the same amount of pain isn't there. Men are prone to more violent and dramatic suicide attempts as mentioned earlier. If you want to say men are hurt worse, you are then in turn saying women are stronger than their counterparts, and I highly doubt that is an argument you would like to pursue.
Author Xoxogirl Posted December 14, 2005 Author Posted December 14, 2005 Also, there are just a few "gems" found in the male species as in the female.
sparticuss Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Dismissing a failed suicide attempt as emotional blackmail indicates to me that this is a subject you have approached from an emotive level rather than one you've studied objectively. Unfortunately there are very very few individuals, or even organisations, who study suicide objectively. The most glaring example of this is how few people are even aware that suicide among mid age, recently seperated husbands is actually greater than all the other suicides put toether. My knowledge comes from two groups. The counselling group DIDs dads in distress. And the suicide studies depertment at Griffith University in Australia. The only actual suicide studies department in the country. And these organiations DO study the issue objectively.
sparticuss Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 I agree with Lindya - women are just as hurt as men. To add an extra point to her argument, I would say that many men lack constructive coping mechanisms. Women are on average more emotionally intelligent - slowly talking the issue through with your friends beats drinking alone then trying to kill yourself. So differential suicide rates say nothing about relative hurt between the genders. On the contary I would say that suicide rates are the ultimate, guide to hurt, regardless of anything. Race, gender, circumstance, sexual orientation, the lot. Women recieve more counselling, and support and that perpetuates the myth that they suffer, but in reality the destroyed life usually is the mans.
sparticuss Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 As I think Shaz pointed out in Bridget Jones' diary, the whole world has gone mad for commitment phobia. Everybody wants to claim it as their own...but as usual, men are on the bandwagon pushing the women off and saying "Off vile wenches...'tis our malady alone. Always has been, always will be..." Women get hurt in relationships too, or they avoid relationships because they're afraid of losing the individuality that we've all been encouraged to embrace (good point btw RR). Unfortunately Bridget Jones Diary was a work of fiction. And like most works of fiction there are perfect guys and perfect bar^&*s in them. Never just the bland old ordinary guys you find in real life.
lindya Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Well. I've started a new thread in the water cooler which is designed to look at the way men and women communicate with eachother. My thoughts about this are basically that women tend to deal very analytically with their emotions with the result that men often view them as over-reacting, irrational and irrelevant in the points they make. On the other hand, as you suggest, men often have greater difficulty in managing strong emotions. They seem to be more likely to get into fights, commit suicide by violent methods and - perhaps - turn to drug use. Some of this may be attributable to testosterone, but I think it's also quite likely that if men made more use of the female coping techniques they disparage, they might be less inclined to turn to these destructive coping or escape methods. Anyone who is having problems relating to others and forming meaningful, trusting relationships has two main choices. They can blame society and the opposite sex, or they can strengthen their emotional coping mechanisms so that they're better equipped to deal with any emotional dramas or conflicts that might come their way. Although, Sparticuss, you're relying on the language of objectivity here, I think it would be clear to most people that the topic in this thread is one that - for whatever reason - you have more than an objective, academic interest in. The resources you're using for your research are, for one thing, organisations that aim to represent a specific group. Whilst I don't doubt that they use professionally gathered statistical info, clearly their primary aim in presenting those statistics is to make certain points about male interests in modern society.
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Also, there are just a few "gems" found in the male species as in the female. So, to return to the original topic, what are you looking for in a guy? Do you meet a lot of guys like this? What kind of feedback are you getting from male as well as female friends as to what might be going wrong for you?
noclobber Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 piggybacking reluctnant-romeo, what exactly u look for in a man xoxogirl? like if a guy asks u out, on what basis do u decide to go out with him? i know that women do not date their guy friends however wonderful they r. so when u decide to go out with a stranger what makes you to do that? u hardly know this person... is it physical attraction? some kind of gut feelings? what exactly is that? i am curious as hell to know..
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 piggybacking reluctnant-romeo, what exactly u look for in a man xoxogirl? Join the fun, NC (great initials btw). I'm beginning to think Xoxo just wanted to vent and rant about how she's not getting the man she wants. Fair enough. To us guys it just looked like she was seeking solutions. Maybe this proves Lindy's point about the communication barrier
noclobber Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 Join the fun, NC (great initials btw). I'm beginning to think Xoxo just wanted to vent and rant about how she's not getting the man she wants. Fair enough. To us guys it just looked like she was seeking solutions. Maybe this proves Lindy's point about the communication barrier ha ha right on, right on! sometimes people just want to vent... i myself am an example. just couple of days back i posted a thread -> noclobber needs suggestions. 'cos i am getting frustrated with the dating scene...
GivenUp0083 Posted December 15, 2005 Posted December 15, 2005 I feel lost... I have been in the dating scene for about a year now and can't seem to find a decent guy to establish a relationship with. I have tried blind dates, internet dating sites, and what seems like everything in between. Most of the men I seem to meet are only after sex, and I am not willing to offer that casually. I am not asking for "Mr. Perfect" I just simply want to have someone to share something special with. I am not sure what I am doing wrong. I am an attractive, fit, intelligent, and caring 25 year old woman who is ready for something real and lasting. I am shy though, so I never approach men, nor ask them out first. I have been in long-term relationships before, but it seems like the closer I become to a "marriagable" age, the further away the men get. I don't want to live my life alone. Where are all the nice guys? Does anyone feel my pain? Well one problem that it might be is that you may come across as too desperate. You say you don't want the perfect guy......well maybe you should be looking at it that way. Not necessarily perfect, but don't settle for just a guy. Being shy may be your problem too. Unless a guy approaches you, you have no way of hinting to him that you're interested. You're gonna have to be more sociable. Think of a guy that you're attracted too....he's probably really confident and isn't afraid to talk to anyone. You gotta be like that. If there's a guy you like, you don't have to go and pour your heart out to him, just say "Hi", and if he's interested, he'll do the rest. If you catch a guy off guard and throw him a flirt, it may spark his interest. I'm only 22, but my experience has taught me that you never find someone when you're looking for them. It's always happened for me when I gave up on women.......then a week later I meet some girl and it just clicks. Try to keep a positive attitude and smile a lot. Guys are attracted to happy girls who smile, it makes them more pretty when they are in a good mood. If you're really quiet and shy and don't smile much, guys aren't going to notice you. It's good that you aren't giving the sex up right away. Maybe you can flirt or get a little physical with a guy without actually having sex to keep his interest. If you give him nothing, he's gonna think you aren't into sex even if you are in a relationship, and most guys don't want to be in a serious relationship without getting any. Maybe get a little intimate with him and act like you want to really bad, but tell him you have self control and you don't sleep around with any guy you meet. This will give him the hint that you are interested in him sexually, but not if it's not serious. Here's another thing I don't really understand about women. "Marriage age". There is no marriage age. If you're referring to what age most people are getting married at, then I also suggest that you look at the divorce rate in this country. I've done research, and if you do a little digging, you will find that if you waited until the age of 29 or older, your chances of getting divorced are cut in half. You're only 25, you've got plenty of time to get married. Your life is still changing and you are still maturing and growing as a woman, so what you want right now may not be what you want in a couple years. Don't worry so much about having a boyfriend, just have fun, try to meet as many new people as you can, and I'm sure a good guy will approach you. Here's another question you may want to ask yourself because I see this in a LOT of women. Are there any nice guy friends that have maybe tried to flirt with you or maybe has poured his heart out to you at some point but you told him it wouldn't work because you're "friends"? Well here's a little hint for ya.....those are the good guys that you are talking about. They don't act all flirty and play with your head and then just try to get sex from you. They treat you with respect and most times they try to be your friend first so they can find out who you are and what kind of girl you are. Then when they do really nice things for you, that's because they really care about you. Maybe you're just looking in the wrong places, what you want might be right there in front of you.
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