Why cant I get her out of my mind ?

[phrekmon]

Aloha all,

 

Ok a lot of you know my story, today was day 23 since she left. I has resigned myself to the fact we will most likely never get back together, I would imagine that the OM has moved in with her and my step daughter,(they live about 3 miles from me and I see them on the road daily)

 

Anyways yesterday went great, I made a couple of trips to the landfill and cleaned up around th house, even went got my haircut. She was supposed to come by testerday at 5 PM and get the rest of her clothes ,my stepdaughter's aquairum and dvd's. well she didnt show (I drove up the street to call her on my cell to ask if she was coming) she said no and then made appt. for today at 5 pm (she called and left a message saying she'd call again to reschedule. If she would just get the rest of this stuff I can go totaly NC. Is she stalling on purpose ? or just having to much fun with the OM ? And herein lies my problem, I cannot stop thinking about her, the OM, songs on the radio, the football game today,playing video games with my stepdaughter etc...So in my head I know this is NOT how to get on with your new life (I'm surfing today and met a couple of what looked to be unattached women, We did the usual surfing howzit, these are crappy waves and then what am I thinking of/doing ? I'm looking back to the road to see if she's gonna drive by ! (Am I nuts?)in both cases the women paddled off. Now I know I can talk to people and I really do need some REAL friends right now so PLEASE tell me how to get her oughta my head. I did go out today with the idea of meeting some new people.

Thanks, Dennis

[Spurned]

Phrekmon,

 

The hard truth is, it's natural for you to be preoccupied with her and the OM. I mean, she was your freaking wife! As sad as it is, the people doing the leaving in a relationship often have something waiting for them, something that has been cultivated over months or years. So they have an emotional, physical, and psychological crutch. The people left behind are bereft of these things so I believe it's much harder for them, even if the person leaving the relationship has doubts in his or her mind.

 

Having been through the hell that you're going through, I can honestly say that 23 days is not that long. You should expect a much longer period of sadness and wondering. This is not to say that you can't try to fill your life with other things.

 

As for the wife's clothes and daughter's stuff, I wouldn't even give your wife the chance to get them. Screw her! Forget about making appointments, waiting by the phone for her to call, calling her to see if she's getting the stuff. You MUST try to push her out of your mind.

 

I suspect that you're having a lot of trouble moving on psychologically, but I tell you what, it's the only thing that REALLY gives you the chance to make this work. I don't necessarily mean bringing your wife back, but healing as fast as you can. It's painful, but you have to stop being true to your relationship. Your wife has. Face it, the old relationship is DEAD. DEAD. DEAD!!! If you ever do have anything in the future with her, you would have to start over completely. You really should have a period of absolute NO CONTACT. Disappear from her life and try to stop wondering what she's doing. It only hurts you and drives you crazy. Digest the pain and see what's left over. You have some hard truths to face and after facing them, you may see that there's a lot of shizzle out there that's much better for you. And that you have some stuff you've always wanted to improve about yourself.

 

Please, consider what I say carefully. Do not have contact with her. Force yourself to do other things. And yes, please try to get out there and hang around with people of the opposite sex. It reinvigorates your ego, allows you to have a little fun, and reaffirms that yes, there are other things in the world for you and other women who could learn to appreciate you.

 

Easy to say, tough to do. I was there; I still have painful moments. I'm still not sure exactly where my wife and I are going, but I do know now that I can never be hurt as I was before, because my life is whole without her. As I hope yours will be in time.

 

 

Good luck, I'll keep following your posts. If you ever feel the need, PM me.

[Zaira]

Send her stuff back to her so you can start getting on with getting over her. You shouldn't be there at her beck and call.

[Trimmer]

It's painful, but you have to stop being true to your relationship. Your wife has.

 

Dennis - I agree here. It's hard, and it still gives me some guilt, because I thought love would conquer all, etc. and I ended up feeling that by "moving on" I was giving up and somehow betraying exactly that which was most valuable to me. But realistically, I realized that I was standing on the corner waiting for a bus that wasn't running any more. And no matter how dedicated I was to waiting for that bus, it didn't matter - it wasn't coming.

 

Hold on, give it some time, and like we've talked about before, look for those ways it gets better a little bit at a time.

 

Is there a covered place or some other safe place outside where you can put your wife and daughter's stuff, so you can get it all out of your place (e.g. show that you're still a classy guy and not just dump them on the street) and then just call her and leave a message and say "come and get it when you can..." Then forget about it.

[dgiirl]

Phrekmon, be patient with yourself. It takes a really long time before you stop thinking about them. I'm STILL thinking about my exh, and we've been separated for 10 months now. But it's not as intense and painful as it use to be. I no longer think about him and the ow. I really dont care about that anymore. I dont even know if they're still together and could care less. I'm focusing more on myself and my own fears than what he's doing. But I still think about him. But no longer about him directly, if that makes sense. They say it takes 1-2 years to get over a divorce. My divorced friends say it takes that much for the pain to go away, and another 2 years to actually get completely over it. But that doesnt mean we're going to be in the pain that we were in for years. It just takes time to adjust. Be patient. It seems like you're doing well for the stage you are in!

[phrekmon]

Thanks for the posts.( Good food for thought)

 

I forgot to say that what she really wanted to pick up was the Christmas stuff, I have gone through and separated hers,mine and what was ours, I put hers into 2 of those big blue walmart containers and put them on the porch this AM for her to pick up whenever, The clothes, tapes, dvd etc.. I boxed/bagged up and they will get picked up Tues. morning by the Kidney Foundation (I am not moving them with me)

 

Remember I helped move all her/daughters stuff when she was telling me there was hope for us (so I was eager to help then) I'm so very pissed off at myself for being manipulated into helping her again, I made 3 trips to landfill Sat. (moved all that stuff into and out of truck by MYSELF and were talking about dresser's, couch, chairs etc.. heavy! heavy! heavy!)

 

I will not call her ! And when she calls me (and she will) I'll let her know where the stuff is and try to leave it at that.

 

When I was with her WE had dreams/goals of what the rest of our lives together would be like but for the life of me I cannot think up any dreams for ME.

Just surviving and growing stronger is about all that I can strive for right now. I guess the dreams come later.

Thanks again for the advise, Aloha Dennis

[phrekmon]

Aloha,

Well she never called today, I put the bags of clothes and boxes out on the road tonight to be picked up tomorrow just like I said I was going to do. I just threw away the last 12 years of my life, only thing left is Christmas stuff and my daughters fish tank. I mean I really do see how lopsided our marriage was. I threw away 37 pairs of shoes, sandels, boots, athletic shoes, rubber slippers

that were my wifes (mostly) and stepdaughters. I couldnt believe all I have is my work shoes and a pair of rubber slippers.

What kind of priority is this ? Boxes of crap she just had to have, all gone, worst of it is that she left her (cause she cant afford to feed) (had to have) bird for me to deal with, and he's so sad as his routine is all messed up too. And I caused it all by not saying NO ! giving her everyting that she wanted wasnt enough, I just didnt give her what she needed (which was ?) I don't know.

 

I feel terrible ! its soooooo sad. And I'm so f***ing angry !

 

I went and signed my lease for my new closet of an apartment. I'll be about a mile from work and much closer to where I normaly surf so thats cool. I still have to finish cleaning this place up to get the deposit back, oh well got nothing better to do.

 

Get this, Here I am typing away and next thing (5 minutes ago) there's 4 police cars in my drive way and 6 or so cops walking up to my door wanting to know about drug activity at the end of my drive ? WHAT THE $%^^&$ IS GOING ON!! Is all this coincidence is she playing me ? I am very confused, scared, paranoid. And please dont get me wrong I'm 6 ft 1 240 lbs. and can take care of myself. I dont do drugs dont know anyone that does, the police have never come to my house before, Again this is a small island and for 4 cars to be here is very strange (you can go days without seeing one if you dont go into town) This just keeps on getting better doesnt it ? OK nuff for now I'm rambling. Thanks for listening, Dennis

[Trimmer]

dennis: Did they want to come in and look around, or was it some kind of thing that was supposedly going on outside? Any possibility that your wife and/or the OM are involved somehow? After all, this was her residence, too, until recently, right? Did you very cooperatively offer the OM's name to them? <evil grin> And seriously, if there is any chance he is holding, maybe you want to be real careful if you do get your car back, in case there's something hidden somewhere. Don't want to feed your paranoia, but just be prudent there...

 

I think you said in an earlier post that the bird is a macaw? Damn, those guys are very social and complex, and they definitely know when things change. Hope he's doing OK - even more lame marks on her for abandoning him.

 

And your anger is OK to have - feel it, and get it out, just be safe with it, OK, Dennis? Anger was a big problem for me while I was holding it in, and was a big relief to me once I acknowledged that it was eating me up, and started letting it out.

 

Take care, man... Sleep well, and I'll try to do the same.

[phrekmon]

Trimmer,

I dont know if it was an outside thing or not, but I did know one of the police officers and offered for them to come in and look around, which he did come in look in all the rooms and then left.I didn't think about her or him being involved till after they left and I sat back down at the computer so No I didn't give them her or his name

 

I do believe this OM is no good, I think he was in jail in Las Vegas when my wife contacted him 2 years ago but I dont know for sure, like I said before he doesnt have a job that I can see,( I've seen him around town in the middle of the day, driving my car) and some of his siblings have been in trouble with the law here. I found out that he's had 2 wifes and 5 kids total 3 from his most recent marriage, and he's still married to the last one. (isn't the internet great !)

 

He could very well be dealing meth or something, and as for my wife ? well I just dont know her anymore so it is possible. But why come to my house ? She has been out of the house 24 days.

 

As far as me letting my anger get the best of me it's just not going to happen, I used to own a 9 mm (legal) but dismantled it last weekend and it went into the landfill as well, along with the 2 bullets I had left. I got rid of it so I wouldnt do something I would regret or worse, now I wish I had kept it. I also have resigned myself to never getting my car back (I'll build another, better one if I want) it just isn't important to me anymore.

 

And the bird is a Macaw and does know that Mom and daughter are not here, he is driving me crazy, squeels at me, wont come out of his cage and is acting pretty strange ( I am trying to sell him to get him into a better situation but no takers yet)

The wife called me last week when she saw the ad acting like why are you getting rid of him ? (Because he's YOUR bird !) I offered for her to take him (even bring him to her) but she said she couldnt afford to feed him, So I put him in the paper for 600.00. (less than a third of what he's worth) Plus I have to get rid of him as I cant find a place to stay that will allow him.

Again this is soooooooo very F***ING sad.

Was my whole marriage a sham ?

Was anything she told me true ?

I just want OUT and I want it NOW !!

I can't take all this Drama !!

It's just another day in paradise !!

Thanks for listening and posting, Dennis

[phrekmon]

Well she called me today, at 1st I wasn't going to answer but What the heck I can do this, anyways she asks me what I'm doing this weekend, I ask her why she's asking and she say's don't you have your company party on Oahu Friday ? I said yes but I'm not going (I am but I dont trust her)

Then she's telling me her old girlfriend (I've met her and supposedly she can't stand the OM, although they all grew up together) who lives on Oahu is here for the week. I ask her why is she calling ?

She asking when she could come by and get the rest of her stuff I told her This Sundy at 6 PM and to bring:

1. My Mom and sister's rings.

2. My portion of our photo album

3. Her cell phone

She says she will ! I can't believe !

I then tell her the only things that are left is the Christmas stuff and our daughters clothes, dvd's and fish tank. She get's all pissed asking about her clothes, the furniture etc.. I told her that she has had 2 weekends as well as all the days in between to get her stuff, she asks where did it all go ? I asked her if she listens to what I've been telling her for over 2 weeks that I was going to throw everything away this past weekend and clothes I donated this morning ? Yes Dennis I do in shi**y voice. I then used something I read here I just changed the words a little " Your confusion and indecisveness about getting your stuff is no longer relevant, I made the decision to through it out just like I've been telling you I was going to" Dead air at least 15 seconds.

She then asks How am I doing ? I tell her great, she asks about my bleeding ulcer, It's great ! no more bleeding, but how are YOU she asks, I ask why she so concerned now ? I've always been concerned OH F**k You Dennis ! Click.

At the end of the phone call I was shaking I mean shaking, but I didnt raise my voice, show any emotion other than act like I was happy.

So maybe after she gets her stuff Sunday, I can let a lawyer talk to her so I dont have to. Whatcha think ? Dennis

[Mz. Pixie]

Dennis,

 

She probably does care about you as a person, although you just can't see that right now.

 

I know I cared about my exhusband even though I couldn't be married to him anymore.

 

I'm sorry you had a bad day......

[phrekmon]

I know she probably cares, but why try and show me now ? and why call me ? She's got a new man.

Anyways she calls today to tell me one of my old customers husband had passed away and the wife was soooo lonely, I told her I new the feeling !

I then asked her not to call me unless it had something to do with OUR old finances or or my step daughter and I would see her Sunday evening for the last of her stuff. She got mad and Told me she'd stop calling.

I guess I handled it right ? when she calls me I can feel my blood pressure rise, I visibly shake (now whats up with that ?) then the memories flood in. I can now stop the crazy thinking. but it has been taking a couple of hours to get it out of me. I dont see the councellor again till Monday but I do think I'm making headway, I actualy had a customer ask me out today !! she asked me how I was loosing weight and toning up (got a great tan from surfing) was it Atkins ? she wouldnt leave it alone so I told her my wife left me 26 days ago and I was keeping busy, then she says we should go out sometime ! (I am now shocked)(this just doesnt happen!) I told her I was to busy right now maybe in a couple of months (Just a chicken). now this just caught me totaly off ( never, never has anyone ever asked me out while I"m on the job !) Anyways the whole thing made me feel pretty good about myself. Thanks as always, Dennis

[dgiirl]

Phrekmon, I think you're handling it pretty well. If you are getting angry every time you are communicating with your exw, it's time to implement NC. You dont need to make it a huge production, just start setting up some guidelines on how your exw can contact you IF she needs to. Email is a perfect solution for that. It's not instant communication, so you dont need to get into a heated debate with her, and even if she's online at the same time as you, you can take your time responding. There's been many times where I just got really angry from an email of my exh's. Nothing majorly upsetting, I was probably overreacting. But I took the time and decided to not respond for a few hours/days until the anger went away and I could think clearly.

 

As for the weight loss, it's the divorce diet Make sure you dont buy much new clothes cos in a year, it'll probably come back lol

[Ditherer]

Face it, the old relationship is DEAD. DEAD. DEAD!!! If you ever do have anything in the future with her, you would have to start over completely.

 

Thanks for those words, I love it! Brutally honestly straightforward - amongst the best most helpful words I've read on this site so far!! It really rams the point home.

 

Thanks

[phrekmon]

I've been doing good the last few day's, Went to my companys Christmas party Friday night, drank to much but didn't show my a** !

I've been getting a little depressed lately today is day 31 since she left, I'm just not keeping busy enough I guess, I'm off the sleeping pills getting abut 5 solid hours a night, lost a total of 19 lbs. I'm nervous about her coming by tonight, don't wnat to say the wrong thing, Ok she's here I'll be back

[phrekmon]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77445/