lots of fighting...help!

[PDPullmn612]

Me and my girlfriend will have been dating for a year as of tomorrow. Obviously we love each other enough to have stayed together that long. We just have one big problem. We fight, and very often as well. It almost seems as though every night we argue about something, even stupid stuff. Neither of us can stand it, but we withstand it enough not to break up I cant even begin to be specific as to what we aregu about, because it seems like we end up arguing about a lot of stuff. I was wondering if anyone has had this problem with frequent fighting? If you have, please give me some advice as to what to do? I know one obvious thing to do is if that we cant stand it so much would be just to break up. However, im really trying to get some advice on how to deal with it without having to end it. Any input would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance!

 

 

Dave

[gfto]

Without knowing the specifics, I would say her interest in you is sinking. In the beginning, everything was probably going very well. Then, probably several months ago, the arguing started, and she gradually became less affectionate. Am I right? In the beginning, she really liked you. Now that her interest in you is waning, she's constantly arguing with you. The real question at this point is, has her interest in you sunk past the point of no return? The only way to find out is to withdraw a little bit from her. Don't ever argue with her. You will not win, and it's a waste of your time. Cut back on the phone calls. Call her only twice per week. If she starts an argument, just walk away. Don't get sucked into the argument. Don't initiate any touching. Try this for a month or two. If her interest hasn't hit that low point, then things should improve. She'll quit arguing, initiate touching, and start giggling at your dumb jokes, etc. If, on the other hand, she's still putting the smackdown on you after a month or so, then it's over. She's simply waiting until she's built up enough resentment to say, "we need to take some time out." Don't wait around for that to happen. When it's over, get out before she has a chance to tell you she needs "space," "time out," etc.

[PDPullmn612]

WOW! you are good, that is exactly what happened. At first she was very affectionate, then it started to fade. She still is affectionate at times, but usually very rarely and is only when SHE wants to be, not when i want to be. i will give it a try. thanks. Any one else have any suggestions?

 

Dave

[Walk]

Personally I think that's the wrong way to go. You say you love this girl, but pulling a game like that doesn't show much respect for her or the relationship. It would probably be the easy way out though. Might as well blame it all on the girl.

 

A lot of times arguments stem from a deeper issue. And it sounds to me as if the two of you argue but don't talk. Are you saying she's nit-picking and nagging about everything under the sun, from the way you wear your underwear to how you say good night? Or do these have a basic theme to them?

 

I know a lot of couples start arguing about the year point of their relationship. The chemical bonds that formed during the initial stages of the relationship start breaking down. Couples start to feel more in a rut, they start to question the long term potential of their partner, and where they want the relationship to go.

 

You can either work to create a stronger emotional bond by actually listening and comprimising with you SO. Or break it off now. But distancing yourself will put you on the down slide of the relationship curve even further. If you want to ensure your demise, then definitely pull away. If you want to repair your relationship, then find a new way to discuss things, to communicate, and start trying to get to the bottom of why your SO is unhappy, and how the two of you can fix it.

 

Maybe if you gave some examples of what you argue about, and who initiates the argument, then we could give you some more specific suggestions.

[Walk]

She still is affectionate at times, but usually very rarely and is only when SHE wants to be, not when i want to be.

 

Did you mean, she doesn't want to have sex with you very often, and not when you want it? Or are you talking hugging, cuddling type affection?

 

If you're arguing all the time then she's probably not going to feel very sexual, or interested in it. Especially if she feels you aren't listening, or understanding her.

[kitkat826]

Without knowing the specifics, I would say her interest in you is sinking. In the beginning, everything was probably going very well. Then, probably several months ago, the arguing started, and she gradually became less affectionate. Am I right? In the beginning, she really liked you. Now that her interest in you is waning, she's constantly arguing with you....

 

This post has validity in it, but it really doesn't take into account what the OP's role is in this situation. It assumes his girlfriend is somehow completely to blame, but I have a feeling that if his GF were to post her side of the story, you (and we) would be saying similar things about HIM.

 

PDPullmn612: has YOUR interest waned?

[gfto]

If his interest level in her was waning and he was the one starting the arguments, he wouldn't have posted his story in the first place. Why would he start arguments with her, and then ask us, "what can I do to stop the arguing?" I've seen this happen, and it has happened to me. The guy begins to notice that she doesn't giggle at him quite as frequently as she once did, and she doesn't reach for his hand as they're walking down the street anymore. She doesn't return his calls as promptly as she once did. Soon thereafter, the arguments start...once a week....twice a week.....then every day. The guy knows something is wrong, so he tries as hard as he can to be nice to her, and no matter what he does, it ends in an argument. The guy thinks he's doing something wrong, so he tries harder and harder to be nice to her, not realizing that her romantic feelings towards him have simply crashed. Yes, arguments stem from a deeper issue......the romance is dying for her! By withdrawing from her, he isn't pulling a game. Rather, he's simply refusing to argue. They're arguing EVERY DAY. How much farther down can the relationship slide? Sure, he could sit down with her and say, "honey, why are we arguing all the time? Let's try to fix this. Mostly likely, an argument will ensue. Think of it this way....when two people are crazy about each other, do they argue every day? No, they're affectionate, laughing, etc. When arguments about petty things are happening on a daily basis, then someone's romantic interest in the other person is plummeting.

[PDPullmn612]

OK, another thing to add, is that she inst all to blame for all the arguments. There have been some that i have started, and probably for some stupid reasons. But you are all right for the most part. It seems as though her romance in the relationship is dying. I'm still willing to be romantic, but if i try to be too romantic, she will get upset, she will just think that im horny and that im trying to some. I've explained to her many times that i can be romantic to a certain extent without being horny. I think sometimes she fears giving me a nice long kiss because she is afraid that i will get horny in the midst of the kiss. As far as affection goes, such as cuddling, hugging, and holding hands. She doesnt do it as often as she used to. I'm usually the one to engage the cuddling, hugging, or hand holding etc. It seems as though she never leans in for just a simple kiss any more when we are hanging out or walking down the street. She used to do these things, and they made me happy. I think when she started to stop doing them, it scared me because i feared that she s losing interest in me. Those are some more specifics to help you guys out, thanks in advance.

 

Dave

[PDPullmn612]

Anyone else have any advice?

[kitkat826]

If his interest level in her was waning and he was the one starting the arguments, he wouldn't have posted his story in the first place. Why would he start arguments with her, and then ask us, "what can I do to stop the arguing?"

 

People actually do this all of the time. Just because we are here posting on this forum doesn't mean we are all perfect girlfriends/boyfriends in an unjust world. I'm not saying that he is completely to blame in this situation, and I am not absolving her at all, I just wanted to point out that his original post talking about the situation was very non-specific to the point where it wasn't really clear who was intitiating what or where the problems where coming from:

 

We fight, and very often as well. It almost seems as though every night we argue about something, even stupid stuff. Neither of us can stand it, but we withstand it enough not to break up I cant even begin to be specific as to what we aregu about, because it seems like we end up arguing about a lot of stuff. I was wondering if anyone has had this problem with frequent fighting?

 

And from this it was deducted that everything was stemming from her and her wrong doing. Again, not that there wasn't validity in gfto's post, but that it was a very premature conclusion.

 

The OP's third post is way more descriptive, and offers insight into what is going on.

 

About his question, I also agree that playing the "distancing game" is not a good solution at this point. I think a year into anything is much to long to be playing games, and in general is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It IS very possible that no matter what he does to try to fix things, she will eventually back out. MOST relationships end like this. But if you are sincere about your intentions and feelings for someone, if you are really invested in a good, long term relatioship, then you have to give it your all and not look for petty shortcuts. Talk with her and see if you can resolve the issues at hand, as Walk said, "Try new ways of communicating and connecting". If this again doesn't resolve anything, then I would seriously consider ending the relationship.

[magda]

Well, what is the main issue that you fight about? So she picks fights, they start out about the mess in the bathroom or whatever but it ends up being a fight about _____. Money, your attitude, your friends, that girl you see too often, etc. Thats the issue you need to resolve and you need to relearn how to communicate so that you can talk about this stuff without shutting each other down.

[gfto]

Could you give us some specific examples of arguments the two of you have had? Maybe tell us one that you started, as well as one that she started. What led up to the arguments? Who said what?

 

I'm not suggesting that she is to blame or that she is doing anything wrong. I'm simply suggesting that her romantic interest/feelings toward you are swirling around the drain. That's exactly the reason that she isn't kissing you like she used to, or when she does kiss you, it just feels a little icy. If her romantic feelings for you were in the stratosphere, she would want those kisses to lead to something more! Absense makes the heart grow fonder. I think simply backing off a little bit is a valid option. I still don't see what the "game" is. But, I'll leave it at that.

[PDPullmn612]

OK, let me see.

 

OK, one time i gave one of my girlfriend's friend goldfish food so that she could have some too feed her fish with since she ran out. My girlfriend was fine with it, until she saw houw much i gave her! You know those 35mm film canisters, i gave her about half of one. My girlfreind got upset about that! We didnt argue at first, but since she was upset it led to an arguement about i dont remember what. But i know there wouldnt have been an argument if she wasnt upset about me giving her friend fish food!

 

Another thing that happanes very often, i can understand where she is coming from. But we go to school together. We are apart from each other on breaks and such. I have a decent amount of friends at home. However a few of these freinds are girls, and she gets really upset when i hang out with them. Now its not every night that i hang out with a girl at home, i have other guy friends as well that i chill out with. But i will get home for the night after hanging out with one of my friends that is a girl, and she will be so pissed off, and she will start asking me questions like "did you cheat on me?" or "are you hiding something from me?" or "i think you are hiding something from me!". This will eventually lead to an argument, but she clearly insigated the whole thing. Those are a few examples of how she would start a fight.

Let me know if you guys have any advice! thanks

 

Dave

[itwontdawnsooner]

um... fighting over goldfish food? having friends who are girls? please. not fair at all. have you ever given her reason to believe you're cheating? if she doesn't trust you, what kind of a relationship do you have there? don't walk on eggshells. that's a crap place to be.

 

she needs to learn to trust you or its just not going anywhere good. if she's not willing to mature, do you really want to be fighting every damn night? sometimes the fights may be your fault, but it usually takes two. you BOTH need to be willing to compromise and trust.

[PDPullmn612]

I've talked to her many many times about her trust in me. She says that based on past relationships that she has been hurt in she cant trsut me fully 100% right now. I have a lot of trust in her, that isnt to say that i dont get jealous from time to time based on the situations. I feel that she has no reason to believe that i am cheating on her, unless she has a reason that i dont know of. But i havnet done anything to make her doubt my faithfulness. I've also talked to her endlessly about compromising, she is just very stubborn, so she wants what she wants, when she wants it. I told her that a healthy relationship has to be about both giving and taking. Trust me i have had many talks about these problems, with no change what so ever in her attitude. Maybe it is my attitude? i dont know, but i know that i am a very compromising person, and i have compromised with her before. You know there isnt much i ask of her. But ok, lets say there is a night that i want to hang out just me and her. There have been times where we have had long talks bout not hanging out alone for some reason or another. She likes to be around lots of people most of the time, and we usually do hang out with other friends we have, etc. So sometimes i ask her to hang out alone, and she asks "why?". it seems as though she thinks i want to hang out to be sexual, when the truth is, i just wnat to be alone with her and spend sometime alone with her without other people around. If i bring it up, she wonders why i dont want anyone else around for whatever reason.

 

Another thing to add is that we havnet done anything sexual in about 3 months, not even anything. We have had talks about this and we both said that we dont want the relationship to be based on mainly the sexual aspect. But come on 3 months, isnt that a little long? I can understnad that if she is mad and that we are always fighting that she wouldnt feel very sexual, so could it just be that? i dont know anymore. I dont know if some of the fighting could be because of sexual tension (if there is such a thing?), i'm not sure. We talked about the sexual aspect of our relationship (we are both virgins so we havent done that yet, but im talking about other sexual things, everything but sex) We both agree that our relationship wont be based on sexual things, but i think ngoing 3 months without doing anything is a little extreme, would you guys say so?

 

Lend me some advice! thanks

 

Dave

[PDPullmn612]

any advice yet?

[ms_jnj]

Alright I don't know if this is advice, but I have been in a very similar situation.

 

When I started dating my ex, thing were wonderful, he appeared smart and kind and stable....like a perfect match. But after almost two years I started to realize things. That he wasn't smart, but thought he was. That he wasn't kind, but pretended to be, that he was truly...disturbed but pretended to be an upstanding guy. I caught him in lies, and I began to see that the person he pretended to be when we first started dating wasn't what he really was...and after this amount of time he was starting to let the "real" him slip out.

 

I was so disappointed. Things went exactly as you described. I loved him, and thus wanted to be with him but I felt cheated....the man I loved wasn't really the man he was. We argued a lot...especially when I stopped believing his lies. I felt so betrayed that I wasn't interested in being affectionate towards him and any efforts he made to be romantic I felt were just more lies and they made me angry. We fought because he insisted he was just trying to be romantic. We also fought because we too were both virgins, but I wanted to have sex and he did not.

 

Now I am not saying that you are any of the terrible things my ex was. But, this sounds harsh, but perhaps your girlfriend thought she was getting something different when she signed on for this relationship than what she ended up getting. Maybe she is disappointed, maybe she feels it is your fault that the relationship isn't working out to be her ideal....maybe she doesn't blame you...but the point is, that it sounds to me very much like her needs aren't being met. She loves you, but it isn't working out for her.

 

Now that I am older and wiser, I would have handled things differently than I did then...I would sit down with my partner and explain to them that my needs aren't being met and that I am disappointed with the turn the relationship has taken. I would ask that we both work on making the relationship better. I would listen to his side and find something that I should work on as well. And if he made no attempt to work at it I would leave him.

 

Perhaps you should be the one to take this step, to sit down and talk to her about working together on your relationship. Love and relationships aren't easy....and someone that isn't willing to go through the hard stuff won't make you a good partner anyway. If she isn't willing to make a real, genuine try to turn your relationship around, then you can't count on her to support you in the long run.

 

And let me tell you, being a counselor in real life, playing a game to fight a game is a DISASTER. Thus I do not agree at all with "gfto's" advice. You will hurt her and yourself if you do it that way. Bottom line is if you can't have a productive, rational conversation with your girlfriend about this, then it isn't going to work and playing games with her will just make things worse. And besides, I'm of the opinion that if you have been with this girl for a year, you obviously respect her even if you are having problems and it is not a very respectful or loving move to just stop calling her and touching her.

 

Just my two cents....or like 2 dollars, this is a long reply

[PDPullmn612]

ok, thanks alot ms_jnj, that helped alot.

 

any one else who has adivce, it would be greatly appreciated

[itwontdawnsooner]

sounds to me like she can't be satisified. if she's as insecure as you describe her, and constantly questioning you, and stubborn, etc, etc... nothing you do will satisfy her until she matures. you cant force her to do that either.

 

i agree, playing games to combat games is like throwing a grenade at a mine. if that makes sense...

 

dont make excuses for her. if she's making an effort, thats a huge positive sign, it means that she cares. if she's not making an effort, and you cant ask for anything (alone time, etc) without feeling bad. thats not a situation you want to be in.

 

even if she tends to be unreceptive in conversation, you need to talk about it. and if she ends up closing up, walk away... either she'll see the light or she won't. its not a game, its smart. you need to make things clear and not let things drag. people must put effort in.

[Walk]

PDPullmn612. I find your writing and thought process fairly ambigious, and unclear. I'm not saying your confusing, just unclear. (please don't take this as an insult, I'm stating how I read it.)

 

How does your girlfriend hear what you are saying? Does she seem to misunderstand you alot? Or are you positive she's understanding what you're saying but seems to ignore it? Are you sending her mixed signals with your words and actions?

 

For instance, in your first post I understood you were unhappy becase the two of you argue a lot. But there wasn't anything clear in why, or underlying problems, or the dynamics of the relationship. If you're attempting conversation with her with the same type of structure, she may be left feeling that you're unhappy with her, but not feeling very clear as to why. If you have to, be blunt about it. Neither of your needs are being met. This is obvious.

 

I know from past experience that I've had many, many arguments with someone because one or both of us weren't being clear. I had to stop conversations several times to define what the person meant behind something simple they may have said. And in the end found that what I thought they meant, was different from how they defined it.

 

If she's mad that you gave away too much fish food. Why? What upset her about that? These are just rhetorical questions really. But was it because it was wasting it? Or because it was given to a girl? What is making her insecure about your behavior? Are you able to answer these questions, and if so, do you feel you have a firm understanding of what upset her?

 

I think both of you need to work on your communication skills. Not that you aren't attempting to communicate, but you may need to change the way in which you communicate. All of us are very different, and we have to strive to find a common meaning for our words.

[PDPullmn612]

thanks a lot guys!

 

anymore suggestions? it would be appreciated

 

Dave

[kitkat826]

I agree that three months with no intimacy is strange and yet another sign of things not being right.

[preferwhispers]

And let me tell you, being a counselor in real life, playing a game to fight a game is a DISASTER. Thus I do not agree at all with "gfto's" advice.

 

I actually think Gfto's advice was dead-on. Some well-timed distance is not a "game." It provides both parties the opportunity to consider miss the other without actually losing them first.

 

All too often the guy senses that his girl is pulling away, and proceeds to completely smother her. This will destroy any chance you have of getting beyond your petty problems.

 

Be unavailable. BUT, don't rub her nose in it, or act icy when you are together. If you want to return to the days of yore, you have to be who you were at that time.... Remember? You were fun, you made jokes, you were not always hanging around eating peanuts directly out of the can. She didn't know everything you were doing ever moment of the day, nor did you ever discuss these details ad naseum.

 

The worst that could happen? She could not care that you have withdrawn slightly. If that happens you were screwed anyway.

 

Or..... you can sit down with her and have an awkward conversation about your disappointment. Of course, nothing will change immediately, so be prepared to have these horrid conversations more and more frequently, as you slowly come to learn everything she can't stand about you. You will feel great! Forget the fact that every interaction that you have with her will be negative. Yeah, come to think of it, that's better. Everyone wants a needy, pathetic boyfriend.