In love with 2 men - stuck

[Metermaid]

I've had an emotional affair with my ex after seeing him again after 7 years. I've been married for 5 yrs. to a wonderful man, but we've always lacked a certain emotional chemistry. I am in no way emotionally fulfilled as the way I am with my ex. In the 7 years we've been apart, he’s grown into the man I wanted him to be then. I miss him. My husband and I have gone to counseling. The relationship is redeemable, we care for eachother dearly and I do love him. But in my heart I know we will never have the intimacy I want. It's not something that’s lost because we've never really had it. However, we’ve developed a very nice life and it’s comfortable. I don’t really want “comfortable” to be the main adjective of my marriage, I want “passion” or “inspiration” of which I’m currently not getting. However, that’s exactly how I would describe the connection between my ex and I. I was raised with the value that marriage is a lifetime commitment whether you like it or not; divorce has always been a dirty word. I'm not sure if I should stay in my marriage and sacrifice this chemistry I long for, or sacrifice my marriage for a possibility of a more satisfying relationship. I am so scared of making a mistake and ruining not only my life, but 2 others as well.

[slubberdegullion]

Passion and inspiration are two dangerous concepts.

 

Do we not all want unending passion and limitless inspiration?

 

But, alas, life and relationships are not like that. Certainly, a good relationship starts like that, but before long the routines of daily existence drown them out.

 

That is as it should be.

 

I don't have any suggestions for you, but just thought I'd post this as a little food for thought.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Sounds like to me you are stuck in a rock in a hard place!! Either way someone is going to get hurt!! You need to give the ex up and try working on your marriage without ex in the equation as long as ex is still in the picture you can't be fully devoted to your h !! Marriage counseling will not work if you didn't break all ties with the ex!! You go back to marriage counseling with you h without the ex in the picture and see how things go!! Does your h know that you are still messing with the ex and if so he may hide some resentment!! You can rekindle what you had if you are willing to if not than let your h find someone that is deserving of him !! You are hurting your h now the damage is done why not let go of one and stop all the pain and torment!!!

You are having your cake and eating it too!! This isn't fair to either one ,you gotta chose no matter what someone will get hurt!!!

[newbby]

are you absolutely sure that this ex would be the relationship you are imagining it to be?

[lilmoma1973]

are you absolutely sure that this ex would be the relationship you are imagining it to be?

 

My thoughts exactly!!!

[damwinston]

I think that I was in a similar situation to you.

I was dating (and living with) a man who I loved. He was nice.

Here is how I described it:

Do you remember six flags? There was a ride called the cave. It was a great ride. It was really cold (which was great when you were so hot at six flags), it felt good, and you went every time you went to six flags. you knew that you would live through the ride and if, by some chance, the boat overturned (which would NEVER happen) you could swim to the top.

Then there is the guy who is like the Shock Wave. It may be the ride of your life.

Here is the deal - on the Shock Wave you could:

a) fall off and die;

b) fall off and break your neck;

c) fall off and land on someone else killing them;

or

d) crash at the end.

 

I do not know what you should do. I got off of the cave ride, rode the shock wave and crashed.

Personally, I need to find a different theme park.

dammy

[newbby]

i hope you didnt take what i said as a criticism, it most certainly was not. its just a question, i am interested in the answer.

[Mak]

I'm in an almost identical situation to you, and while I don't have the answers I will offer something that has worked (sort of) for me. Like you I am a Christian, and I don't believe in divorce except in the most extreme cases. I have found that it is really helpful to think about the long term picture. I've watched elderly couples walking hand in hand through the park, or playing with their grand-children in the playground. I've realised that I want that to be me. I am completely infatuated with this guy who isn't my husband, but in my head I'm aware that infatuations come and go. Plus, my husband loves me and I love him. We have a real shot at making a life together. That seems to be rarer and rarer these days. I'm not saying it's easy - the emotional turmoil I'm going through is still pretty intense - but at least I know what I should be doing. slubberdegullion is right - we can't live our lives on an endless wave of passion. Nor would we really want to - the excitement would become overwhelming...

[Metermaid]

newbby

are you absolutely sure that this ex would be the relationship you are imagining it to be?

I'm not sure, all I know is what I'm feeling right now. And because I thought my husband was the right choice for me, I'm doubting my own judgment. Only difference is that I married at 24, am now 30, and have more confidence, self worth, and self knowledge. I also know that the connection my ex and I have is very unique and rare, something I was too young to know when we were dating. I broke up with him because I wanted "more out of life"

 

damwinston

Here is the deal - on the Shock Wave you could:

a) fall off and die;

b) fall off and break your neck;

c) fall off and land on someone else killing them;

or d) crash at the end.

I'm afraid of all of the above. In therapy I've realized that at lease one of them is inevidable. Nobody will come out unscathed from this situation.

Currently, my husband is dealing with the seperation as expected. One day he's reasonable, the next very cold, the next very sad.

I've been a wreck - I can't sleep, cry all the time, panicky. For some reason, 4 a.m. is when I can find clarity in all this.

 

My husband and I moved away shortly after being married. My ex lives back in my home town with my family and friends. So thinking about being back with him also means moving, new job, new home, leaving everything I thought I wanted to get away from, etc. In the past 6 months I've gone back home and we've spent countless hours together, not physical, but couldn't leave eachothers sight. My head says stay, my heart says "you're 30, no children and are in love with this man, its now or never"

My parents have been married almost 40 years. They have fought very hard. I asked my mom the other day if it was worth it. She paused for a few seconds and then said "um, yes is was" and then realizing what a telling reaction that was, very enthusiastically said "of course! of course! I love your father very much"

I don't doubt she loves him, but when I've been married to a man for 40 years I don't want to pause and think when someone has asked me if its been worth it.

[newbby]

I asked my mom the other day if it was worth it. She paused for a few seconds and then said "um, yes is was" and then realizing what a telling reaction that was, very enthusiastically said "of course! of course! I love your father very much"

I don't doubt she loves him, but when I've been married to a man for 40 years I don't want to pause and think when someone has asked me if its been worth it.

 

i think people expect way too much of marriage and another person. if you can make 40 years with another person, i would say that was love. also she has nothing to compare it to. i would say somebody who has had bad relationships ended up a single mother with barely any money, would probably yearn for 40 years with somebody. i dont personally know of any couples who are still passionate about each other 40 years later, do you? on the other hand, now is the time to do it, and it may be that the ex is a better partner for you.

[Sami_D]

I'm not sure if I should stay in my marriage and sacrifice this chemistry I long for, or sacrifice my marriage for a possibility of a more satisfying relationship. I am so scared of making a mistake and ruining not only my life, but 2 others as well.

 

Sorry for perhaps missing the point, but who are these two others lives you are risking. One is evidently your H... but the other..? OM isn't attached too..? Or are you worried about ruining OM's life..?

 

You have no children, and you're in an unfulfilling M. If you really think that this thing with you and OM may work out, then I would go for it. What have you really got to lose..? You can't live your life worrying that you might upset people you are involved with.

[newbby]

hmm after reading sami's post and reading your post again, i have to agree. i thought you said you were in love with two men, now rereading it i see that you lack emotionally chemistry with your h and have been to counselling, all this before kids. i agree go with your heart.

[Metermaid]

Sorry for perhaps missing the point, but who are these two others lives you are risking. One is evidently your H... but the other..? OM isn't attached too..? Or are you worried about ruining OM's life..?

I meant my husbands life and my ex's life. He is not attached with anyone. Says he's never found anyone that was like me.

You have no children, and you're in an unfulfilling M. If you really think that this thing with you and OM may work out, then I would go for it. What have you really got to lose..? You can't live your life worrying that you might upset people you are involved with.

Its not a totally unfulfilling M, only emotionally. What have i got to lose? tons! What if in a few years I realize I made a mistake and wish I had my old life back. I'm so scared of that.

 

Had a long talk with husband today. He's starting to give up and not sure he wants to fight, said its too painful. I asked him to continue therapy for a bit longer. I could have fought even harder, but didn't. During the talk it was seeming that our marriage was coming to an end. But now that I'm alone and thinking about it, I'm suddenly missing him and really want to try harder. Am I just reacting to him saying he might have lost hope? Or am I finally seeing the value of holding onto marriage? I guess I'll see how I feel after a few days.

[Sami_D]

The way you're talking about staying in your M, as against future possibilities with OM, sounds to be more about fears than anything positive. And you dismiss the things you're missing in the present time as 'only' emotional needs. Emotional needs not being met is a huge problem... and all the time you're setting that against perhaps messing up other people's lives, and perhaps messing up your own.

 

I don't know whether the only real thing keeping you from leaving is fear of possible future regrets, but it really does sound like it.

[Metermaid]

I don't know whether the only real thing keeping you from leaving is fear of possible future regrets, but it really does sound like it.

I think you are mostly right. But day after day seems to bring me different feelings. 2 days ago I would have completely agreed with you. But since the last talk I had with H, which I mentioned in my last post, I've been feeling so lonely, missing my home, missing my life, and when I think of what he cannot give me my next thought is "yes, but that man is my husband". Even though I knew these feelings might be reactionary, I thought was getting somewhere. Until today....

I was at work when my phone beeped. I looked at it and saw there was a message from my ex. We haven't had contact since I saw him last. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I lost my breath, could hardly contain my emotions. He sent me a message saying he was thinking of me and wanted to send a smile my way. This very simple message has absolutely twisted everything around again. Just when I thought there might be a chance of saving my marriage, dealing with the fact that I had an EA, and dealing with the fact that I still feel in love with him; bam, he's back. I am still aware of how I was feeling about my H only a few hours ago, but now I'm reminded of how strongly my ex and I feel for eachother. I also realize that life is not simple enough to just move from one relationship to the next. That is basically what I did with my H and look where its gotten me.

I've had a pretty easy life, can't believe this is all happening. Can't believe what I'm about to do, or not do. Can't help but totally blame myself.

[Sami_D]

Well the simple answer is for you to go totally NC with OM, and make sure that there is no way he can get in contact with you. Tell him why you're doing it and ask him to respect your choice. Give yourself a defined period in which you'll try to work on your M. Really work hard on deciding what your real needs are, and give yourself time to see if you'll be happy in this present life you have.

[newbby]

some good advice from sami.

the only way to really be sure is to commit totally to one course of action.

since you are already in this situation, you may aswell commit to that, and tell om the reasons you must do this without leaving any future doors open.

[Metermaid]

thank you both. I agree I need to do this.

Even with these feelings I'm having for ex, my previous statement stands true = when I think of what my marriage and life lacks, I still think "but that man is my husband". Thats the man that I see everyday, thats the man that knows what I look like at 7am, and that my breath stinks at 7am. He knows I'm not a great cook, he knows I can be messy. He's seen me in all types of situations and still loves me.

I also know that none of the above describes how I feel about him, only how he feels about me. Regardless, I will do no contact with ex and focus on my husband and marriage.

Whats your opinion on how to deal with thoughts of ex? They're not going to disappear. I've tried pushing them away, but they're so very strong.

[newbby]

i have a friend in this situation, the difference is, they have 3 children together. she looks at the qualities in om that she desires and finds lacking in her so, and she tries to get those qualities from friends other pursuits etc. they have a good relationship, that lacks excitement, but she tries to be grateful for what she does have, the love and security etc. she realises that it is quite alot to give up on the chance that om might be 'the one'.

[sylviaguardian]

Metermaid,

 

The whole NC thing is to avoid exactly what happened there. As long as you are still in contact with your -ex, your marriage will never work.

 

On the other hand, you seem to be head over heels in love with this guy and you got married young so maybe it is right to give it a try. If you take your husband back, you will always be pining for the OM and the marriage will be a farce. Perhaps it's better to let your husband go too and have the chance of finding someone who really does want to be with him and feels as excited when he texts as you do when the OM texts you.

 

A word of caution though - you say you want passion and inspiration. I would bet that most people don't get that in a long-term relationship. I would guess that those types of feelings only come at the beginning of a relationship. You also said that you left the OM because you wanted to try different things.

 

Is it possible that you are addicted to the first throes of love, and when that dies off, you lose interest?

[Metermaid]

Perhaps it's better to let your husband go too and have the chance of finding someone who really does want to be with him and feels as excited when he texts as you do when the OM texts you.

I have admitted that sentiment to myself and agree its not fair to him to be with someone that is thinking of someone else. He also agrees with that, but also says that he doesn't want to start all over.

A word of caution though - you say you want passion and inspiration. I would bet that most people don't get that in a long-term relationship. I would guess that those types of feelings only come at the beginning of a relationship. You also said that you left the OM because you wanted to try different things. Is it possible that you are addicted to the first throes of love, and when that dies off, you lose interest?

I understand the phases relationships go through. I accept that the passion and inspiration die off, but it's important that it was there to begin with. I am realizing that my husband and I never really had those things as a basis. Not lost = never had it. When we started dating we were surrounded by friends and family telling us how great we were together, we were travelling a lot and having tons of fun. I also knew that we would be able to develop a very comfortable life. Well, we have enjoyed ourselves but as I've grown so have my values. Back then I was able to ignore the fact that we didn't have this certain chemistry, but now I can't. However, that doesn't mean that I've completely given up. I think if we both work at it, stay in therapy, and focus on us that we can get back on track. My main problem is my ex - I can't get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time. I've admitted that if I hadn't of run into him this summer, and hadn't of spent so much time with him, and hadn't of allowed myself to open old feelings - I would not be questioning leaving my husband. This has made me realize what I'm not getting out my marriage, but I would not be doing something as dramatic as leaving. The fact that my husband and I are missing something I think I can deal with. These feelings for my ex I don't know how to deal with. I'm not ready to say goodbye and move on. I know all this sounds so wrong, so telling, so selfish. Both my parents are therapists - I've been surrounded by "rationality" my whole life. And they're doing their best right now to convince me of what is right. But how do I continue focusing on my marriage, husband, and the life I have when I feel such a strong love for someone else? I've been forcing myself to look at the reality of it - we live in different states, I've only spent a few days with him in the past 7 years, we've already broken up once, and so on. Despite that, this "something" him and I have is undeniable and I cannot forget about it. Even if we lose passion and inspiration through the years, at least I know it was there to begin with.

Do I want to move, start all over, face humiliation and failure of divorce all for the chance ex and I will work out - sometimes yes, sometimes no. If I stay here do I just live my life as best I can and deal with these feelings and hope they fade? Is it already to late to patch and repair? Have I already hurt my husband so he'll never get over it? Will we always have this hanging over us?

I know I'm talking in circles, welcome to my head...

[Metermaid]

I was just reading over my last reply and want to point out that when I saw my ex this summer it was not physical, emotional yes, but not physical. I also want to ask someone, anyone, what they would do in my position. I've gotten a lot of advice, but I want to hear something more personal. If you had an ok marriage but had the choice between that or a possible relationship with someone who felt more like a "soulmate" would you do it? Or would you stay with "ok'ness" I've already realized that no matter what, I am going to have to deal with a loss - my husband, my current life, or my ex...or all of the above.

Please read my post and tell me what you would do in my position.

[whichwayisup]

Depends on how much you're willing to lose and give up for this other man. The grass isn't always greener on the otherside of the fence. In a fantasy it may feel like it is but in reality most of the time it isn't.

 

Is that man worth giving up your life as you know it? Your daily routine? Your husband, your friends, family, inlaws, neighbours? Is that other man going to be a friend to you, treat you well, be part of your life, good and bad - Not only there for the sex and passion? Will he hold your head over the toilet when you throw up? Will he stay up with you and rub your back, get your tea and crackers if you don't feel well?

 

You need time to figure things out. That intense sex and passion doesn't last forever. It's always there at the start but slowly disappears as the marriage goes on - But that love grows - Into SO much more, not just about sex, it's about making that person a huge part of your life and relying on them, needing them just as they need you.

 

I am giving you some things to think about. Make a list. I'm not joking. Write down all the good and bad things about each men. Your husband and the other man. Do not rush into any decision right now.

 

You may have to be on your own, be alone to figure out what you want. Not too sure you want to get out of a marriage and then jump into a relationship with someone else and start a new life. There will be ALOT of grieving, possible feelings of regret and alot of confusion. Take your time.

[Sami_D]

Metermaid, my first response to this was that I'd give up on my marriage. No contest. But then you said you thought you could work on your marriage and perhaps live with it. OK.

 

I am not you.

 

ME... I would leave.

 

YOU... you are wondering more than I ever would.

 

ME... I'd leave my current R and go for it with the other man. It's what I've done in the past. And I'd do it again and again if I felt I'd not found the right man yet.

 

You have no children. What is stopping you..? I just don't understand.

 

My last suggestion to you, after your post saying that you were trying with H, was that you cut off contact with OM and try to work on your M so you can be 'sure'... and yet you didn't respond to that and you're asking again for comment. I just don't know what you're looking for...?

 

More people telling you to leave, so you'll leave..? or a good process to find out absolutely that you're not making an error? No one can do anything with any guarantee of success... or any guarantee that we're doing the right thing. It's always a gamble. What do you think you will do..?